So the question “what’s next” keeps popping up and is kind of getting stronger. As somehow I have lost all inspiration and passion towards the future. And today I realized that awful feeling, that tension in my upper legs has come back. And I thought I was beyond that now, but somehow it came back, today.
And yes, somehow deep down I know what’s going on. Somehow I lost the passion for life, for being me long time ago. Somehow it has been beaten out of me by ‘life’, by the dependence on other people for certain things like jobs (to get money, especially to do fun things) and love and sex. And that gives those people power.
And while writing this I realize that somehow I still feel like a victim, that I’m still in ‘victim mode’. But yesterday I read a sentence that hit me: “Abuse is NOT your fault” (How to Deal with Emotional Abuse). But on the other hand I read everywhere that my life and my happiness and such is my responsibility. And that’s where I get lost. As how can it not be my fault being abused when I’m responsible. So I’m responsible but it’s not my fault. How can that be? As to me responsibility for something implies that it’s your fault if something goes wrong. But I have the feeling most or many other people see this different.
And yes, now the famous “you have to change” comes to mind again. That’s what many people have told me most of my life so there must be some truth in it. And that’s also exactly what my partner uses to put me down, to put me in the defense. As I am unhappy and can’t get, don’t have what I want. And you can’t change the other person, so you have to change yourself. And again, if you’re unhappy it’s your own responsibility to ‘change’. Meaning it’s your fault.
At least that’s the type of reasoning I seem to get stuck in. As responsibility seems to be something different than ‘fault’ or ‘guilt‘. And I am stuck in some beliefs, beliefs that I prefer to keep as those beliefs are so deep rooted in me that I think I would become another person if I let them go. Or is it just fear?
So I guess a bit more of a useful post than the ones I’ve been recently writing. So I have some kind of start again. Thank you Lord!