Tag Archives: Passion

Setback

I feel like I’m in a bit of setback. Yes, my life has been continuously improving since my deepest down about one and a half year ago. And yes, I have learned new skills like planning and decision making and discipline. But I still don’t feel inspired, I still don’t feel passion. I’m just leading my life and everything seems to be grey. And yes, I guess I mentioned it before, it still feels that ‘life’ has beaten every (self) inspiration, every passion out of me. Too many things have happened that didn’t work out. Too many things that feel so natural to me didn’t come true, I was not able to achieve. And yes, in the end that all boils down to relationship and sex, to be with another person. As that has always been my biggest dream, that has always been the thing I wanted most. But the only problem seems to be that you need another person for that to happen. And yes, I had two relationships, or actually I am still in one, so I still have a relationship. But somehow my desire, my need seems to stand in the way to happy and fulfilling relationship for me and my partner. At least that is my perception right now. And it reminds me of the definite purpose of my mam as she wanted to have children. And her focus is on children, on her children, always. So maybe there are answers there, as I am one of those children, so I know what it is if someone has put his or her definite purpose on someone else. As my focus is on my partner, possibly in a similar way.

But no, I don’t feel like continuing this now. I have to stop, I have to do something else. It’s just too late and I don’t feel like writing a large, complicated post right now. So I’ll stop now and finish this later.

Inspiration, passion

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So the question “what’s next” keeps popping up and is kind of getting stronger. As somehow I have lost all inspiration and passion towards the future. And today I realized that awful feeling, that tension in my upper legs has come back. And I thought I was beyond that now, but somehow it came back, today.

And yes, somehow deep down I know what’s going on. Somehow I lost the passion for life, for being me long time ago. Somehow it has been beaten out of me by ‘life’, by the dependence on other people for certain things like jobs (to get money, especially to do fun things) and love and sex. And that gives those people power.

And while writing this I realize that somehow I still feel like a victim, that I’m still in ‘victim mode’. But yesterday I read a sentence that hit me: “Abuse is NOT your fault” (How to Deal with Emotional Abuse). But on the other hand I read everywhere that my life and my happiness and such is my responsibility. And that’s where I get lost. As how can it not be my fault being abused when I’m responsible. So I’m responsible but it’s not my fault. How can that be? As to me responsibility for something implies that it’s your fault if something goes wrong. But I have the feeling most or many other people see this different.

And yes, now the famous “you have to change” comes to mind again. That’s what many people have told me most of my life so there must be some truth in it. And that’s also exactly what my partner uses to put me down, to put me in the defense. As I am unhappy and can’t get, don’t have what I want. And you can’t change the other person, so you have to change yourself. And again, if you’re unhappy it’s your own responsibility to ‘change’. Meaning it’s your fault.

At least that’s the type of reasoning I seem to get stuck in. As responsibility seems to be something different than ‘fault’ or ‘guilt‘. And I am stuck in some beliefs, beliefs that I prefer to keep as those beliefs are so deep rooted in me that I think I would become another person if I let them go. Or is it just fear?

And I was looking for ways to make Inspiration for Success more inspirational again. And maybe I found a way now to add pages on responsibility and fault. Let’s do that first.

So I guess a bit more of a useful post than the ones I’ve been recently writing. So I have some kind of start again. Thank you Lord!

One year, ten years

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Today was a bit a strange day. I woke up and didn’t feel good, as usual, but this time after getting out of bed I realized that I somehow had my hay fever like symptoms again. And I thought how much that affected my life or must have affected my life. And no, I don’t think about that so much anymore, as I don’t feel like having hay fever so much anymore, but this morning it just hit me.

And I was alone, which I don’t like so much, but I’m coping better, much better with that right now, even though somewhere in the background there is that missing feeling, that feeling that ‘something is not okay’. But I’m coping and basically feel okay, feel I’m just being myself.

And I was thinking about money, the stuff you seem to need to do the things you like, like traveling or visiting friends or just buying things. And I need a lot of it right now, mainly as I am afraid that paying my debts is going to take something like ten years, if I start earning a little bit more soon. Otherwise it would take longer or I would never be able to do it. And that’s just paying my debts, no fun, no holidays, no visiting friends or buying nice stuff.

And yeah, I’m doing kind of okay, like today was just a good day as I worked a bit and kind of enjoyed that. But of course I was also thinking about my fifty first birthday tomorrow, where I have no real plans, mainly indeed because I don’t have the budget for that. And because my partner is not here, but if I had some budget i would probably do something. So my delayed fiftieth birthday as I had it in mind is probably not going to happen. And no, I chose to not let it happen on April Fools Day, at least not my way. And yes, looking back I realize I must have made a weird impression to some people. But of course they don’t know the whole story and I’m pretty sure if they knew the whole story they would understand a bit better why I behaved like I did.

So well, things are improving somehow. But I still miss the ‘wow’ feeling, the passion, the inspiration. And I came quite far since about one and a half year ago, when my whole life was in ruins, yes, I certainly came quite far. But no, I’m not inspired, not passionate and I have basically no clue where I’m going, except that I kind of set my goals in stone with my desire document. A document I didn’t feel like reading the last few days, a document I was a bit scared of the last few days.

But that’s why I gave this post a title of a favorite saying of mine: “people often overestimate what they can do in one year, but they underestimate what they can do in ten years”. So let’s stick with that.