“All the dreams that we were building, we never fulfilled them; could be better, should be better; lessons in love“. That was the song I just played. And I don’t know exactly why. I just like the song, the melody and never really thought about the text.
And while playing it, as my partner left around a week ago very angry and didn’t come back yet, I was wondering, am still wondering what it is that makes love, especially love in a love type relationship, so hard, at least to me, and obviously to my partner. But I know that I’m not the only one, as most relationships I know a bit more about, like the relationship of my parents, are not that easy and certainly mostly not ‘loving’.
And I thought a lot about what is happening with me, with me and my partner, with my relationship. And I can’t figure out what to do different to make it better, to make it a joyful, loving and powerful relationship. And yes, somehow I know I am pleasing my partner too much. But how can you please someone ‘too much’, especially if it is your partner, the person who is closest to you, the person you want to share your life with, the person you want to build a life together with, the person you have built a life together with.
And it feels like it’s all about my partner, that he is ‘wrong’. But observing him and listening to him he must feel the same way, as he always tells me I am wrong. So are we feeling and thinking the same, just blaming each other? And where are the good times, the times when we just met, the years after, the years we were building?
And they say you can only change yourself. But, and I wrote about that before I guess, ‘I have to change’ implies something like I’m not good enough. And again, that is the same I think about my partner, as I want him to change, so somehow I’m implying he’s not good enough.
But wait, that’s not true. I love my partner how he is, for who he is. Or not, as I’m not happy? And what is it exactly what I want? Yeah, well, have a relationship as I always had it in mind, like the sexual thing, the hugging and kissing and the warmth of holding each other at night. And the sex of course, like a few times a week, or per month if I’m not in the mood. And building something together, a house, a household, travel together, have holidays together. And I thought that’s also what he wanted, but looking back of course I never really asked him that. But we did those things together. And it was not all perfect, but we did. And we even started a business together. But then things started to go ‘wrong’, in business. And then the money was gone and we couldn’t move anymore. And then he withdrew from everything, blaming me for everything that went wrong.
And I guess I was to blame, I was responsible, especially when looking back, now, I realize more of that, of my mistakes and my responsibility in what went wrong. But I still don’t understand why I need to take all the blame. And I don’t understand why he stopped helping, supporting, finding ways, finding money, finding customers. Or maybe I do, knowing him, his character a bit more now.
So yes, maybe that is the answer, that I need to take charge, that I need to do ‘everything’. As he just can’t, just can’t seem to handle all of this, all that went wrong the last few years business wise, money wise. And even for me it was hard, it still is hard. But somehow I will keep moving, no matter what. And so maybe somehow he can’t.
But not easy, as I need so much his love, his sex. That would make things, make life so much easier for me (and for the both of us I think). But somehow he can’t, it seems, it must be.
And giving up, leaving? No, that’s no option. As I still believe in lifetime relationship in “until death do us part”, no matter what. As we both deserve a happy love and sex life, a happy relationship.
What about you?