Tag Archives: Relationship

Self analysis question 46

I am still very tired and not really in the mood to write anything, so I could either write a very short post like this or still continue with the self analysis questions. And I just decided on the last and today’s question is “What connection, if any, do you see between the people with whom you associate most closely, and any unhappiness you may experience?”.

And yes, the first thing that comes into my mind is that the person I associate with most closely, my partner, may be the cause of my unhappiness. And yes, I guess you would ask why I (still) allow that. And I often ask that to myself of course. And I have no real answer to that. Or actually I have a lot, but I don’t want to share that here. What I do want to share is that I am still not sure if this whole thing has anything to do with my partner (doubt?!). And I could share that it has something to do with the definite purpose I chose.

And I am thinking of other people I associate closely and I don’t really see any cause for unhappiness there, although I found that talking with my mam often upset me. But I think I am in the process of changing that.

And now I really feel tired and not really able to write anything sensible here. So I guess the best thing is to rest and sleep, even though there are some things I still want to finish before sleeping.

Self analysis: question 7

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The question for today is a tough one: “Does life seem futile and the future hopeless to you?”. Or maybe not, as somehow I appreciate life and somehow I still have hope for the future. But recently I often kind of ask my Higher Power if He would not allow me to go, let me die, as I am so tired of the life I have been living most of my life. And often I wish I had died five and a half years ago when I had a very bad motorcycle accident and indeed almost died. So does life seem futile to me and does the future seem hopeless to me, no, not really, but I am tired, very, very tired of living life in poverty and in kind of survival mode for a long, long time. And somehow I don’t have any clue how to change that, even though I keep on trying to make it work, like starting new projects or still trying to somehow revive my business.

And am I living a really poor life like having no food or something? No, not really, or certainly not, at least not compared to the majority of the people in the world I guess. But I do miss the extra’s, the holidays and being able to move around more easily, having a car. And I am tired of not having enough income, meaning I am still getting deeper into debt, even though I still have more, probably much more capital than I owe.

And I am not sure how to deal with this question further, like I could go back into my past to figure out how it all started, but I did that many times and I didn’t get a real answer from that, including not really knowing what caused my failures in career, in business.

And yes, I know that part or maybe all of my debts are related to giving in to my partner too much, until today, or actually one or two weeks ago. As I doubt I would have borrowed money if I would have been on my own. And of course that reminds me of the statement somewhere in Think and Grow Rich about choosing the wrong mate, and maybe I did that. But relationship, romantic love is or at least has been the most important thing in my life, even though also in that area I am tired as things didn’t work out as I imagined them, expected them.

So thinking about analysis the questions arise with me now if I should choose another career or another life partner. And looking at ‘reality’ I guess I should. But somehow I don’t want to, as I don’t really see a better alternative as I fear(?!) that changing career (or location) or partner wouldn’t really change anything, even though I guess another partner, someone who can give me more of what I need, might solve a lot of things, might even solve ‘everything’.

Ah, and something else that arises with me now is that I have the feeling that most of my life I have been running away from things, from bad things, from failures, from defeat. And about two years ago when I started with Think and Grow Rich I somehow decided this time I would stay, this time I would continue with the things I started. And so I did. With no real change, until now, as that is what I believe now. But somehow also something changed, somehow I have the feeling that the change, the good life (again) is very near, that if e.g. DoctorsConnect pushes through that may just be may way out of poverty, into success, into riches. And somehow I have the feeling that recently something changed in my relationship.

So let’s just wait a little longer, let’s persist a little longer.

Christmas eve

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It is Christmas Eve here, but I don’t feel like making posts about Christmas or send Christmas quotes, although the fireworks here just fifteen minutes ago made me search for a fireworks quote. I couldn’t find an inspirational though, so I decided to send something else.

Ah yes, and that brought me to forgiveness, something I still have a lot of difficulty with. But that may be related to my codependency, as I understand I need to learn to accept mistakes or something. And today I participated in a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, which at first scared me a lot as it makes me think of alcoholism as it is related to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the fears I had was ‘being sick’ as I don’t consider myself sick. And of course alcoholism scares me, as I guess it does many people, as it is no fun being an alcoholic or dealing with one. I had a friend once who was alcoholic and it was terrible to see what was going on. And I couldn’t do anything, I really felt powerless. As I found out that just throwing the alcohol away didn’t make any difference. Or even talking about it or asking my friend to throw it away, which he may have done at that moment, but I don’t remember the details.

But slowly I am starting to see the benefits of participating and indeed admitting to myself and to the group “I am Guus and I am codependent”, as that is how you are supposed to start to share. And it took me a while as ‘I am not just codependent’ and I don’t like labels, any labels, and certainly not of some weird sickness. But somehow I got there and I am starting to see the reason to start sharing like that. As somehow it is very liberating to admit something in that way because then you can start dealing with it. And of course it doesn’t mean something like “I am only co-dependent”. And as one of the group members pointed out to me, everybody has ‘something’, everybody is different and has ‘negative’ things he or she needs to find ways to deal with. And of course it is completely irrelevant if it is a sickness or not: I am very unhappy and have been so most of my life and if these meetings, these steps can help me be more happy, then why not. On the contrary.

And what kept me going and what finally made me kind of participating now are the promises that are given. And somehow something seems to have changed, not a lot, but changed. As I think this is the first time in my life that I belong somewhere, that there is a group of people that just listen to me and seem to have similar feelings and maybe experiences. So isn’t that wonderful, having a feeling of belonging, having a group of people happy listening to you and you listening to them?

Yes, those twelve steps programs seem to be really powerful, as I understand there are many of them. So if there is something you want to deal with or improve, maybe you could look for such a group. And related to the people welcome in Codependents Anonymous are just people with the intention to have better relationships, with themselves and with others. And who wouldn’t want that?

And yes, alcoholism still scares me. But if you have problems with alcohol, and deep within you you know, then you may just participate in one of the programs or groups of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I guess that would be the same experience I have now: finally some kind of a solution for a problem I can’t solve on my own.

Lessons in love

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“All the dreams that we were building, we never fulfilled them; could be better, should be better; lessons in love“. That was the song I just played. And I don’t know exactly why. I just like the song, the melody and never really thought about the text.

And while playing it, as my partner left around a week ago very angry and didn’t come back yet, I was wondering, am still wondering what it is that makes love, especially love in a love type relationship, so hard, at least to me, and obviously to my partner. But I know that I’m not the only one, as most relationships I know a bit more about, like the relationship of my parents, are not that easy and certainly mostly not ‘loving’.

And I thought a lot about what is happening with me, with me and my partner, with my relationship. And I can’t figure out what to do different to make it better, to make it a joyful, loving and powerful relationship. And yes, somehow I know I am pleasing my partner too much. But how can you please someone ‘too much’, especially if it is your partner, the person who is closest to you, the person you want to share your life with, the person you want to build a life together with, the person you have built a life together with.

And it feels like it’s all about my partner, that he is ‘wrong’. But observing him and listening to him he must feel the same way, as he always tells me I am wrong. So are we feeling and thinking the same, just blaming each other? And where are the good times, the times when we just met, the years after, the years we were building?

And they say you can only change yourself. But, and I wrote about that before I guess, ‘I have to change’ implies something like I’m not good enough. And again, that is the same I think about my partner, as I want him to change, so somehow I’m implying he’s not good enough.

But wait, that’s not true. I love my partner how he is, for who he is. Or not, as I’m not happy? And what is it exactly what I want? Yeah, well, have a relationship as I always had it in mind, like the sexual thing, the hugging and kissing and the warmth of holding each other at night. And the sex of course, like a few times a week, or per month if I’m not in the mood. And building something together, a house, a household, travel together, have holidays together. And I thought that’s also what he wanted, but looking back of course I never really asked him that. But we did those things together. And it was not all perfect, but we did. And we even started a business together. But then things started to go ‘wrong’, in business. And then the money was gone and we couldn’t move anymore. And then he withdrew from everything, blaming me for everything that went wrong.

And I guess I was to blame, I was responsible, especially when looking back, now, I realize more of that, of my mistakes and my responsibility in what went wrong. But I still don’t understand why I need to take all the blame. And I don’t understand why he stopped helping, supporting, finding ways, finding money, finding customers. Or maybe I do, knowing him, his character a bit more now.

So yes, maybe that is the answer, that I need to take charge, that I need to do ‘everything’. As he just can’t, just can’t seem to handle all of this, all that went wrong the last few years business wise, money wise. And even for me it was hard, it still is hard. But somehow I will keep moving, no matter what. And so maybe somehow he can’t.

But not easy, as I need so much his love, his sex. That would make things, make life so much easier for me (and for the both of us I think). But somehow he can’t, it seems, it must be.

And giving up, leaving? No, that’s no option. As I still believe in lifetime relationship in “until death do us part”, no matter what. As we both deserve a happy love and sex life, a happy relationship.

What about you?