Setback

I feel like I’m in a bit of setback. Yes, my life has been continuously improving since my deepest down about one and a half year ago. And yes, I have learned new skills like planning and decision making and discipline. But I still don’t feel inspired, I still don’t feel passion. I’m just leading my life and everything seems to be grey. And yes, I guess I mentioned it before, it still feels that ‘life’ has beaten every (self) inspiration, every passion out of me. Too many things have happened that didn’t work out. Too many things that feel so natural to me didn’t come true, I was not able to achieve. And yes, in the end that all boils down to relationship and sex, to be with another person. As that has always been my biggest dream, that has always been the thing I wanted most. But the only problem seems to be that you need another person for that to happen. And yes, I had two relationships, or actually I am still in one, so I still have a relationship. But somehow my desire, my need seems to stand in the way to happy and fulfilling relationship for me and my partner. At least that is my perception right now. And it reminds me of the definite purpose of my mam as she wanted to have children. And her focus is on children, on her children, always. So maybe there are answers there, as I am one of those children, so I know what it is if someone has put his or her definite purpose on someone else. As my focus is on my partner, possibly in a similar way.

But no, I don’t feel like continuing this now. I have to stop, I have to do something else. It’s just too late and I don’t feel like writing a large, complicated post right now. So I’ll stop now and finish this later.

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