So last night I had a complete breakdown, even though I was much more conscious of what was going on with me than ever before, so somehow I made a deliberate choice to stay in this state of, well, not sure what word would be applicable. Maybe something like ‘complete opposition’ or something. So I decided not to send the daily inspirational quote and not to write my posts. Which is a big thing to me, so you can imagine how I felt, how annoyed I was.
And it all started somewhere like last Saturday, when I decided not to pay the helper. As my partner, as usual, had decided to stay away longer than he planned. And as the last months I decided it is easier to deal with my partner, with our budget, by just giving all, or actually most, of the income to my partner, I had no budget left. As he had left me only budget for a few days, which was actually not even enough, especially because I had a large hospital bill last week. For which I withdrew money from the ‘floating cash’ as I call it. Actually meaning I was just plainly borrowing money, as that money is not mine, it is money in transfer to be deposited to our company.
And I am a bit hesitant writing all this, as it is very private and should not be in the open. It should be dealt with by my partner and me discussing it. But until now I, or maybe I should say we, did not find a way to deal with our budget issues, which kind of worries me, as in the end I always gave in and borrowed money again (indirectly, that is important to know, so there is no actual borrowing from ‘someone’). As of course you need to eat. And the dogs need to be fed. And the helper needs to be paid. And yes, last Monday, the medical bills needed to be paid.
Anyhow, all those details about the issues my partner and me have are not really relevant to what I wanted to write. But it may give some background on the behavior I chose yesterday. As as usual my partner made some remarks like ‘if you behave like that I better not come home’ and such. Meaning I felt like ‘here we go again’. And don’t get me wrong, I am doing much better with all of this, mainly based on the ideas of Kim Cooper. But sometimes, like the last few days, especially yesterday when my partner actually came back, I just feel like I’m back at square one. Or at least have no clue what to do to improve the situation. As no matter what I do, my partner seems to stay in this state of “it’s your fault”, including completely withdrawing from everything related to me.
So I just decided to write about it. And while doing so I at least I realize more and more that it’s not my fault, that it has nothing to do with me. As it’s just especially my partner having a terrible mood or not knowing how to deal with things. And apparently this is just his way of dealing with it. Just as I did by just going to bed last night and staying there. As no place in the house felt ‘safe’, meaning a place my partner wouldn’t find any reason to put more blame on me.
And going back to you I think my main reason for writing about this is that I have improved, a lot, to dealing with my partners bad behavior, even though sometimes, like last night, I still break down and don’t exactly know what to do, except hide. But at least this time I made a more deliberate choice, like deciding that I would not do my daily ‘inspirational things’, even though that was a big thing to me. And right now I am trying to convince myself that it’s okay to do that, that it was okay last night to put myself above my obligations to other people, as I feel I have an obligation to send my daily inspirational quote. And maybe most that I am not perfect, something I often try to be, like pushing myself to do the things I planned to do.
So please don’t be perfect, be human.