I am kind of at the end of the road as tonight I let myself talk into borrowing another significant amount which I doubt would come back in time. So I just cried up to God what is the point in letting me suffer so much financially and also with other things, like my love life and the connections with my family. I started a new life around twelve years ago or something and it started very well, with lots of promises and good things and starting a business or something. But slowly it has all fallen apart and I have no clue why, even though I guess I have my flaws. And yes, I know they say life is a learning process or learning experience or something, but I also believe life should be enjoyed. And I didn’t have any real joy for the last ten years or so, except a few short moments, short occasions like a party where I felt very happy someone celebrating it here, in The Malasag House.
And no matter what I did, no matter what I do, things still seem to fall apart, including me caving in again to a request from my partner just tonight. And the reason I did is that I just don’t know anymore, as whatever effort I do it seems to end nowhere, it seems to be futile. And it may be right as my partner is closer to me than anyone else, but it may also be wrong as maybe I ‘should’ be stronger and go my own way or something.
Or is this about going beyond failure, beyond anything you can imagine before achieving success, the thing Napoleon Hill talks about. But I started reading Think and Grow Rich from the start again and the sentence is ‘before achieving their major success’ or something and not ‘before achieving success’.
So yes, I just cried up to Heaven that I don’t get the point in more ‘learning experience’, for me meaning right now ‘more suffering’. And of course I know my situation is much, unimaginable much more better than so many people in the world, people without food and shelter, where I still own part of a very large house, so I am still ‘rich’. But that’s the worst part, as I know how good, how fun life can be, even though there are still some things I still didn’t enjoy to the fullest. But I know what it is to travel the world and have a car and just be able to move around and see the worlds and just visit friends and family when you like. And right now, and for a very long time already, I have the feeling I can’t, even though if I would just cash out some things I still could do those things, even though only for a short while.
So yes, I am tired of the suffering and I am starting to refuse to believe that it’s all ‘me’ who is the cause of it, like many of those self help sites and successful people make me, and probably also you, believe. As no matter how you follow the Principles of Success or whatever program or things ‘successful people’ have invented, if God or Infinite Intelligence or whatever you may call the Higher Being or Higher Spirit, doesn’t want it, apparently it doesn’t happen.
And no, I won’t give up. I will follow things like the Principles of Success and persist in my current quest and my current decisions. So I will ‘outwit the Devil’, but I am starting to get annoyed by the way one apparently has to do that, as I’d rather stay nice and polite and things like that than just being annoyed and angry and all those things I consider negative.
And strange, especially writing this last paragraph makes me realize how far I have gotten, how much more determined I am to achieve success than ever before and how much more self confidence I have now than I had ever in my life before.
So yes, something changed, changed since I started to read and work from Think and Grow Rich.