Self analysis, question 9

Wow, a question I dread: “Do you often feel self pity, and if so, why?”. As the first what comes into my mind is that the answer is yes, I often feel self pity. And now I am a bit stuck as I am not fully sure why, or at least I don’t have a clear picture of what to write here, what the answer is.

The first thing that comes into my mind is something that I have the feeling that I lack some ability, mainly the ability to earn, or at least the ability to earn in the way I thought I was able to earn, as a Mechanical Engineer, as someone with a Masters degree. And for most of my life I have not been able to do that, and when I did somehow the way I did it was not satisfying.

So yes, my self pity is all about expectations, of being more than average intelligent and not being able to earn a more than average income.

So it is something like being disappointed that my dreams didn’t come true. Or the dreams of my parents or something.

And while thinking further I feel also very spoiled, as I don’t feel like working 40 hours a week for someone else, for some company, no matter what job.

And what is in the back of my mind is that I am just not willing to give up some of the things I have, like the house where I live. And behind that is that I don’t see any way that I could improve my life by going somewhere else, doing something else.

So it seems behind this self pity is something that I don’t fit, that I have no clue anymore how to earn a decent living. Or even any living, as right now I am not earning anything. As I don’t have any clue anymore where to go, how to improve my life by going somewhere else. As I did all that and it didn’t work, at least not until now.

And I have the feeling there is some answer here, maybe some weakness in me or some mistake in thinking. Maybe the weakness is indeed that I am too old to work anywhere, that I am useless. And yes, that is how I feel, useless, as it seems nobody wants me for doing things, at least doing things I am good at. And recently I am feeling old, like not being able to do real physical jobs anymore, especially because of my back injury.

So yes, this question seems to touch some very basic issues that bother me, that hold me back, that stop me, as that is what I know I am doing again, stopping, because it seems nobody is listening to my ideas and nobody seems to see my effort.

And what still keeps me going is my persistence, or maybe stubbornness. But recently I have become weak and lost almost all desire for anything, for life. As it seems the world could do so easily without me, like what’s the point continuing going.

And the last few days I have been trying to revive my dreams, my desires from a long time ago, as I know I had desires and dreams. But I couldn’t get to them as they seem so bleak because of all the negative experiences I had in life, because of all the loneliness and misunderstanding.

You see, I am just tired. And in the back of my mind is even the judgement that I think I am doing more than average, or did more than average, but that that is not true. And that idea I just got from some stupid test and I doubt it is true. Yes that test really made me feel put down, as I thought I did more than average, persisted more than average, but according to the test I push through less than average.

Wow, what a mess I am writing down here. And I knew already, as the last few days, the last few weeks, I felt very down, depressed, which again creates some kind of guilt circle, as I didn’t do as much as I could.

But what’s the point if it seems that no one seems to need the stuff I am making, let alone pay for it?

And yes, I tried some Napoleon Hill stuff to get out of this mess, out of this mood, but I didn’t succeed yet.

Maybe life is sometimes just like that, but it seems in my case it lasts much longer than for other people. No, I am not honest, it does last longer than for most people. I realized that lately.

As I can’t imagine people so tired, so in need of love, so in need for a break, trying so many times without success. Yes, there must be more, but is this really the price of success?

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