Tag Archives: Failure

I can go back better prepared

Right now I am at Hanna’s Beach Resort and I want to go further north along the coast, but the weather is pretty bad, rainy and windy and I think I got my lesson about that about a weak ago in Boracay. So no, I will not push through, unless the weather really improved. And I see it just did, but it is probably still not wise to push throufg, as again, the same happened in Boracay.

Enough is enough.
This is where I decided to go back

This trip has been full of good and it seems now also full of learning experiences.

I just wanted to start writing to remember the moment.

To be finished later.

Self analysis, question 33

Ah, another question I don’t like: “Do you analyze all mistakes and failures and try to profit by them or, do you take the attitude that this is not your duty”? So it seems we are getting somewhere as I think I am facing some more things now than I did in the past, much more things.

The most important issue here I think is that I don’t admit mistakes really. Mostly I reason that in the given circumstances I did not have any other chance than deciding what I decided, which of course in a way is true. But it implies that I never make mistakes, or at least not admit I made mistakes. And the last is probably not really helpful for my progress.

So what’s a mistake? Something like ‘something wrong’.

And right now I am very, very tired, so it may not be wise to continue here now.

But no, I don’t analyze all mistakes and failures and I am certainly not trying to profit from them as I don’t admit making them…

Self analysis, question 11

For the post of today what first came into mind is that somehow I felt a lot better today. And I have no clue how that happened or how I had any influence on that and that is still very strange to me as everywhere I read you can do things to get yourself out of a rut or out of a bad mood. But in my experience you cannot, or at least I can not. At least I couldn’t the last few days and I hate phrases like ‘I can’t’ or ‘I couldn’t’, but maybe that is just a weakness in me or maybe my biggest weakness, that I can’t admit that there are things beyond my control.

But wait a minute, my mam’s ‘I can’t’ that triggers my negative feelings may be something different than my ‘I can’t’, so maybe worth investigating more. As my ‘I can’t’ mostly (always?) means something like ‘I don’t want to’ or ‘I don’t feel like it’, while my mams ‘I can’t’ mostly sounds like some kind of excuse.

Anyhow, even though my mind is more on the above, the ‘I can’t’, I don’t want to write a whole post about that and I’m not even sure why, so I’ll just continue with question eleven of the self analysis questions from Think and Grow Rich“To which do you devote most time, thinking of success, or of failure?”.

And I have been thinking about this question since yesterday and also earlier, and the first that comes into my mind that I don’t think so much about failure or success, but that I think most of my current financial situation and my problems with work and career and not so much about failure or success. Or actually I think most about how I got here and how I can get out of it. And that leads me to something like not having the faintest idea how I got here, or more like what I could have done differently to prevent my current ‘worst than I could ever imagine’ financial situation. Or how I could get out of it, what I could do differently.

So while thinking further, of course I know how I got here. And maybe I was too eager to have a relationship again, like ending up with the wrong partner. And I could have sold the house or I could still sell it. And the last would certainly solve my immediate financial problems, or what I experience as my biggest problem, the loans I have that are far beyond what I could ever imagine anyone having, especially me, being against any type of loan for living or pleasure, which is where most of the money went.

And relating the above to the question what I think about more, failure or success, I think most of the time, practically all the time, about my previous failures, the things that brought me down. And I can’t even imagine any success, although while thinking about it now of course I did achieve great successes. So let’s just write these down:

  • I graduated high school in one setting with good grades.
  • I have a Masters degree in Mechanical Engineering.
  • My first relationship lasted for twelve years, which I guess I can still call a success, even though it failed in the end.
  • I found a new partner, an Asian partner, something I always dreamed of.
  • After being fired at my first employer in a very bad way I found a new job very soon after.
  • I worked for KPMG for about four years, something most people can’t say and where I think I learned most in my career.
  • I learned myself programming, including web programming, where the last is much more difficult than the first.
  • I have been writing every day now for more than two years, including sending a daily quote to more than 100 people.
  • I have made the bed in our bedroom for more than two years now, every day.
  • I built the first version of DoctorsConnect with amazing speed.
  • I started a business, and even though it kind of failed I am still working on making it work.
  • I acquired the most beautiful house in Cagayan de Oro City, maybe even of the whole Philippines.
  • I managed to keep my second relationship going for about twelve years now. I even managed to repair it after a breakup.
  • I kept my business going after having a severe motorcycle accident, including working from the hospital from the ICU
  • And I guess I could keep on going…

Wow, so that is something, just writing down some of my successes. And I didn’t know what it would do, but it really felt good doing that, it seems to have made a shift in my mindset right now, so I can certainly recommend doing something like what I just did.

So maybe instead of keeping analyzing or wanting to analyze everything I might just start thinking about my successes, the things that went right in my life or the things I achieved.

And enough for today I guess, as the above really gives me something to think.

Self analysis, question 9

Wow, a question I dread: “Do you often feel self pity, and if so, why?”. As the first what comes into my mind is that the answer is yes, I often feel self pity. And now I am a bit stuck as I am not fully sure why, or at least I don’t have a clear picture of what to write here, what the answer is.

The first thing that comes into my mind is something that I have the feeling that I lack some ability, mainly the ability to earn, or at least the ability to earn in the way I thought I was able to earn, as a Mechanical Engineer, as someone with a Masters degree. And for most of my life I have not been able to do that, and when I did somehow the way I did it was not satisfying.

So yes, my self pity is all about expectations, of being more than average intelligent and not being able to earn a more than average income.

So it is something like being disappointed that my dreams didn’t come true. Or the dreams of my parents or something.

And while thinking further I feel also very spoiled, as I don’t feel like working 40 hours a week for someone else, for some company, no matter what job.

And what is in the back of my mind is that I am just not willing to give up some of the things I have, like the house where I live. And behind that is that I don’t see any way that I could improve my life by going somewhere else, doing something else.

So it seems behind this self pity is something that I don’t fit, that I have no clue anymore how to earn a decent living. Or even any living, as right now I am not earning anything. As I don’t have any clue anymore where to go, how to improve my life by going somewhere else. As I did all that and it didn’t work, at least not until now.

And I have the feeling there is some answer here, maybe some weakness in me or some mistake in thinking. Maybe the weakness is indeed that I am too old to work anywhere, that I am useless. And yes, that is how I feel, useless, as it seems nobody wants me for doing things, at least doing things I am good at. And recently I am feeling old, like not being able to do real physical jobs anymore, especially because of my back injury.

So yes, this question seems to touch some very basic issues that bother me, that hold me back, that stop me, as that is what I know I am doing again, stopping, because it seems nobody is listening to my ideas and nobody seems to see my effort.

And what still keeps me going is my persistence, or maybe stubbornness. But recently I have become weak and lost almost all desire for anything, for life. As it seems the world could do so easily without me, like what’s the point continuing going.

And the last few days I have been trying to revive my dreams, my desires from a long time ago, as I know I had desires and dreams. But I couldn’t get to them as they seem so bleak because of all the negative experiences I had in life, because of all the loneliness and misunderstanding.

You see, I am just tired. And in the back of my mind is even the judgement that I think I am doing more than average, or did more than average, but that that is not true. And that idea I just got from some stupid test and I doubt it is true. Yes that test really made me feel put down, as I thought I did more than average, persisted more than average, but according to the test I push through less than average.

Wow, what a mess I am writing down here. And I knew already, as the last few days, the last few weeks, I felt very down, depressed, which again creates some kind of guilt circle, as I didn’t do as much as I could.

But what’s the point if it seems that no one seems to need the stuff I am making, let alone pay for it?

And yes, I tried some Napoleon Hill stuff to get out of this mess, out of this mood, but I didn’t succeed yet.

Maybe life is sometimes just like that, but it seems in my case it lasts much longer than for other people. No, I am not honest, it does last longer than for most people. I realized that lately.

As I can’t imagine people so tired, so in need of love, so in need for a break, trying so many times without success. Yes, there must be more, but is this really the price of success?

Self analysis: question 7

The question for today is a tough one: “Does life seem futile and the future hopeless to you?”. Or maybe not, as somehow I appreciate life and somehow I still have hope for the future. But recently I often kind of ask my Higher Power if He would not allow me to go, let me die, as I am so tired of the life I have been living most of my life. And often I wish I had died five and a half years ago when I had a very bad motorcycle accident and indeed almost died. So does life seem futile to me and does the future seem hopeless to me, no, not really, but I am tired, very, very tired of living life in poverty and in kind of survival mode for a long, long time. And somehow I don’t have any clue how to change that, even though I keep on trying to make it work, like starting new projects or still trying to somehow revive my business.

And am I living a really poor life like having no food or something? No, not really, or certainly not, at least not compared to the majority of the people in the world I guess. But I do miss the extra’s, the holidays and being able to move around more easily, having a car. And I am tired of not having enough income, meaning I am still getting deeper into debt, even though I still have more, probably much more capital than I owe.

And I am not sure how to deal with this question further, like I could go back into my past to figure out how it all started, but I did that many times and I didn’t get a real answer from that, including not really knowing what caused my failures in career, in business.

And yes, I know that part or maybe all of my debts are related to giving in to my partner too much, until today, or actually one or two weeks ago. As I doubt I would have borrowed money if I would have been on my own. And of course that reminds me of the statement somewhere in Think and Grow Rich about choosing the wrong mate, and maybe I did that. But relationship, romantic love is or at least has been the most important thing in my life, even though also in that area I am tired as things didn’t work out as I imagined them, expected them.

So thinking about analysis the questions arise with me now if I should choose another career or another life partner. And looking at ‘reality’ I guess I should. But somehow I don’t want to, as I don’t really see a better alternative as I fear(?!) that changing career (or location) or partner wouldn’t really change anything, even though I guess another partner, someone who can give me more of what I need, might solve a lot of things, might even solve ‘everything’.

Ah, and something else that arises with me now is that I have the feeling that most of my life I have been running away from things, from bad things, from failures, from defeat. And about two years ago when I started with Think and Grow Rich I somehow decided this time I would stay, this time I would continue with the things I started. And so I did. With no real change, until now, as that is what I believe now. But somehow also something changed, somehow I have the feeling that the change, the good life (again) is very near, that if e.g. DoctorsConnect pushes through that may just be may way out of poverty, into success, into riches. And somehow I have the feeling that recently something changed in my relationship.

So let’s just wait a little longer, let’s persist a little longer.