Tag Archives: Doubt

Guilty

I still feel guilty,especially about my financial situation and that I can’t stop my partner from spending money we don’t have, that should go back to where it came from. But somehow it doesn’t make sense, as looking back I wouldn’t know how I should have done it differently. And I didn’t make myself, at least that’s what I believe. So how can I be guilty? Something like how can a dog be guilty or how can a stone be guilty. Or even a molecule. So somehow we humans are different from anything else, although somehow dogs, animals can feel guilty as far as I know. And thinking further, guilt seems to be something like violating rights of others. As that’s what dog-guilt is about I guess. As I presume a dog only feels guilty towards humans, when he or she does something against the rules of humans, of the higher species, the higher power.

And thinking further again, guilt seems to be something like violating the rules of the group. So in that respect it is about the survival of the group. And I guess that’s what human guilt is also all about, the guilt we are taught to feel when violating the rules.

But then were does conscience come in? Is there also something like violating your own rules? But again, thinking about dogs and stones, does that make any sense?

And going back to my financial stuff, am I still doing harm? Yes, I live in a big house and I allow my partner to overspend, spend money that I borrowed, that I am responsible for. But the consequences of leaving the house are unimaginable. And I wouldn’t really know how that would improve things, although of course if the house my debts could be paid off and I would be clean towards my debtors. And I want to stay with my partner. And I know somehow he is blackmailing me and controlling me with anger, with violence.

But the basic problem is still income, other people willing to pay me, somehow, or pay me for what I do, for work I do. And somehow there are too many of ‘me’, too many people, too much capacity to do the things other people need, other people are willing to pay for.

So while writing I keep asking myself if I indeed should sell the house, pay off my debts and live in a cheaper place and live a cheaper lifestyle. And based on the rules I grew up with, based on the law I should do that. And even my conscience agrees with it.

But still something inside of me says that I shouldn’t do that. As it doesn’t really solve anything. And while writing this I am starting to think that it would make things worse. As it would mean somehow that I would give up, would never work again, would never do anything anymore.

Recognize anything?

Lee Harvey Oswald

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I was just watching a documentary on History Channel on Lee Harvey Oswald. Or actually of course of the murder on president John F. Kennedy. And I saw some documentaries and stuff before. But the whole thing was never presented as clear and straightforward as in this one. No conspiracy theories and such, or maybe a little. But just some straightforward facts and a straightforward police investigation. And while typing something like ‘lee harvey oswald’ and ‘history (channel) kennedy’ I was laughing at myself seeing the results as of course around the date of November 22, 2013, fifty years after the assassination of John F. Kennedy many people would search for the same thing, opening the same pages, reading about the same thing. As many people may be writing right now about it, like I do.

So where does all this conspiracy stuff comes from? If I see the story as it is being presented in this documentary it’s pretty clear that Lee Harvey Oswald murdered president Kennedy, but indeed, it’s not clear why, although even there are some answers about that, as it seems to have somehow been connected to Russia.

But president Kennedy murdered by the CIA or something like that? No, I don’t believe that anymore after this documentary.

So what is this all about. Is most of the ‘news’ and ‘documentaries’ just ‘show’, just for ‘show’, just to keep us entertained? And why are the creators creating it? And why are we accepting that? I mean, to me entertainment is entertainment and information is information. Or not?

Not inspiring

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Well, that’s the start of this blog, the title ‘not inspiring’ as today I kind of lost it, at least this afternoon and evening.

It’s still weird to me how little events, or the meaning I give to little events can completely destroy my mood and my day. And I guess it’s the same for you or at least for most of you, although I’m not sure of that.

And actually nothing really happened. Just some little things that annoyed me, like not being able to take a warm shower still after we fixed the water and not really getting going with work today.

The main thing was though that i found that I found that one of my customers had a sample site made on his new company domain, which made me think he made the decision already to build a WordPress site and not use the site that I offered him. And I know he is comparing different systems and I know in the end I’m the best. But seeing this, what I later found to be a sample only, site on his domain put me further down today.

There is some reason for that though as I’m kind of waiting for him to make some decisions, also with the site I already built for him and that I kind of messed up last year. But I thought in the end I gave him a very good option, a better solution than he has now and even with very good conditions. And his new site would be built with similar, known technology with very little risk for him in my opinion. But I’m in The Philippines and it’s not easy to compete from here an as of the moment I don’t have the budget to regularly fly to The Netherlands to visit my customers.

But yes, this site is important to me, at least the site I have built before and that I put an awful lot of time and energy in to satisfy this customer. And this customer is important to me as it might just be the breakthrough to the full restart of my company.

And I thought i learned a lot, like trying to listen to customers and not pushing my products and stuff. So in this case I’m trying to lie low, but it’s starting to last an awful lot of time and yes, I could also use the money to finally deliver this site. So not easy to try to think about the customer, about where he stands, what he wants, if you have a very good product that you know suits his needs perfectly and that you are also willing to adapt further to his needs. And that product and this customer you already put an awful lot of time and energy in and again, it feels like some ‘last resort’ as as of the moment I don’t see any other opportunities for my business.

So is this deal important to me? Yes, certainly. And should I focus on the customer, yes, I guess so. But it’s not easy to keep going extra miles and miles and miles and people don’t seem to appreciate what you’re doing, seem to want something else.

And that again brought me today in my ‘it’s never enough’ feeling, like it seems it’s never enough what I’m doing to satisfy bosses or friends or family or customers or staff or maybe even you.

So what’s next? How to stay in a good mood? How to be happy when your mind is going all the way to those negative thoughts?

So sorry, also the end of my post is not inspiring. Better next time.

Leadership

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Well, I’ve read a lot about leadership recently. I guess I want to be one and I guess I can be one, but it seems to come at a price and I’m not sure if I’m willing to pay the price. Also it seems my social skills may need a lot of improvement to become a leader. And while writing this I know I want to be a leader, I know I can be a leader, so maybe still go for it.

Ah, yes, indecision and doubt. Not really working indeed.

And as we didn’t really create this page yet, you may want to check another site with a great post on Ten Great Leadership Lessons.

Desire, spirituality and persistence

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Tonight I was with a friend and we were talking about the thing I want most in life, about what I defined as my desire and definite purpose. And I am getting confused here, because I think basically the conclusion was that I should give up on my desire and move on, look for something better. Or actually while writing this that was not was actually said or meant, but maybe my interpretation.

The whole thing was basically about spirituality, something like ‘what am I doing here on this earth’. And going back, when I wrote my ‘desire document‘ as I call it, the one from the six steps like writing down your definite purpose, I was pretty sure about my desire, my definite purpose, so no matter what, I stuck to it and am still (kind of?) sticking to it. And I never, ever changed my initial statement of what I wanted, what I want in life, no matter what happened. But what if my definite purpose is wrong, spiritually? What if I’m just stubborn? What if my persistence is just ‘being stubborn’? What if I chose the wrong thing to do?

And of course this post is all about doubt, all about ‘not willing to give’ or ‘not willing to give anymore’. And about that in my case it seems to take so much time and effort and suffering to get what I really want.

But while writing I somehow feel that maybe this is what it’s all about. That in the end indeed I’ll get what I want and deserve, as long as I don’t give up, as long as I don’t declare failure. That I still declare all the bumps in the road, even though the goal kind of feels further away than anytime before as defeat, not as failure.

And it’s weird, because while writing this it still seems that this is exactly what it’s all about. Not giving up, not declaring failure, just continue, until you get what you want, no matter the doubt, no matter the bumps, no matter what.

And yes, I guess I’m still within my constraints, my ‘willing to give’, even though it doesn’t always feel good what I’m doing. So I guess it’s not time to give up, it’s time to keep thinking of my goal, of what I really want in life. Even though it feels like it’s starting to take too much time.

But now, while writing, I feel again the desire come up, as I have a very clear picture in mind of what I want and what I also wrote down. And what I really want is good, feels good, so I guess for now I’ll just hang on to it and not give up. As it’s good for everybody involved.

Time will tell, and I don’t mean that as a negative. Maybe indeed this is what success is all about: persist until you got what you want.