Tag Archives: Doubt

Disciplined or stubborn?

Lately I am asking myself more and more why I am writing here every day, yes, except on Sunday’s, as it doesn’t feel that inspiring anymore and it also feels like it doesn’t have any purpose except to kind of show to myself that I can do it, that I can be disciplined or something. Or that I am persistent. But somehow it also feels that I am just stubborn.

So what is it? Or maybe all? And yes, I guess this is the most difficult time in the ‘race’ that I started and that I somehow wanted to continue for at least two years. As two years is somehow the milestone that I consider Google considers the period when a website is really serious. But Google changed and I’m not really sure if that two year mark or something is still there. Or even existed anyhow. And then, should I write my blog, my posts, these words that don’t make any sense to anybody lately, or probably don’t make any sense to anybody lately, because of Google? Or some policy or algorithm of Google?

But yes, while writing this somehow the answer is still yes. As somehow this is what persistence is all about. Going on when you don’t feel like it anymore, going on when it doesn’t make sense anymore, going on when all the excitement is gone, going on no matter what.

And yes, I know somehow this time is different, this time is more about persistence and less about being stubborn. As somehow I have decided that this time I want to be successful, no matter what. This time I have decided that I won’t give up, won’t give up until I finally have or feel the success that I have been waiting for, struggled for all my life. And right now I’m not fully sure how that success would look like, like how I would achieve it. As I am working on many things right now. And no, somehow I also haven’t lost focus, somehow I am finishing things now, determined to finish things, finish everything, everything I have started and am starting.

So yes, the things I am writing here and in my personal blog may not make much sense recently. But sending the daily quote does and keeping my gratitude journal also. And my persistence in some other projects has brought me closer to some unimaginable goals.

So yes, let’s continue here for now. And yes, let’s celebrate how far I have gotten.

And thank you, Napoleon Hill. As somehow your book Think and Grow Rich has brought me closer to success, big success, than ever.

Courage inspiration

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I am still wondering if I, or you, are the same as the 14 year old boy who my partner and I are supporting to go to school. As he is often guided by fear, meaning he does not move or achieves the things that appear so easy to achieve by me.

But maybe the answer is already given, at least for me. As often I doubt if I should guide him in the direction I want him to go, away from poverty, partly away from Filipino culture. So yes, my doubt is related to fear, fear if I am doing the right thing, like ‘who am I to teach this boy, this young man the teachings of Napoleon Hill and such’. And things like ‘he is only a 14 year old boy, what can he handle’? And ‘am I not doing the same as my father did to me, pushing me in a direction that didn’t suit me’?

And yes, of course those are valid questions. And I guess they should be asked, I should ask them to myself. But I guess there are also no answers to those questions. As who decides what a 14 year old Filipino boy can handle?

And question that comes to me now is more like ‘what is wrong with trying to pass on my knowledge on how to live life, or how not to live life’, to the next generation? And also something like that of course we are all influenced by the people around us, by our surroundings, whether culture or people or whatever.

And right now the story that you cannot decide what are ‘good things’ or ‘bad things’ happening to someone. As over time good things may turn out to be bad things and the other way around.

And again, while writing, I realize that I did not really make a decision whether to support or guide this guy in life. And again, this means that I am easily thrown off balance if things go wrong or don’t go the way I have or had in mind.

And of course deep inside I know the answer, the answer that I should support this guy, keep supporting this guy finding his way in life, no matter what. And there is no real reason why I should not, except maybe guilt, guilt that I cannot do more cannot support more children of his age to raise above the poverty he was born in, raise above the culture to accept ‘everything’ as it comes to you and not, well fight, to escape poverty.

So yes, while writing this I guess it is time to find the courage myself to make that decision to really support him, support him the best I can. So exactly the thing I was teaching him about today, to fight fear with courage. And maybe add for myself to fight doubt with decision.

Being flexible

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It was not really easy to skip my posts and the sending of my daily quote and the update of my gratitude diary yesterday. Or maybe it was, as I just did it, especially keeping myself from sending the daily quote yesterday, which I could have relatively easily done. And behind it is still fear I think, fear of letting go of the routine of ‘planning the work and working the plan‘. But somehow I have the feeling that I am overdoing things, that I am too rigid in following my plan, my daily to-do list. And what triggered me thinking that was a remark a few weeks ago of a friend of mine, something like that he would leave me behind, let me alone if I really wanted to push through with meeting someone who skipped a meeting we had planned because he was sick. And yes, that was the first time or one of the first times that I really didn’t make my daily planning, really could not check an item on my list as ‘done’. And no, I don’t think it hurt me in my discipline really, maybe even the opposite, although I’m not fully sure. As somehow I continued making my daily plan and doing the things I planned for the day, maybe even more conscious than before. Actually it made me think a lot about being rigid or flexible and somehow it gave me more options, more choices.

And yes, somehow it still makes me scared that I am now able to indeed decide NOT to finish my daily to-do list. As I did yesterday, as I had decided to attend a funeral, meaning I left Wednesday end of the afternoon and returned today, Friday morning, as I had to travel for around eight hours to the city where the family lives,where I spent most of yesterday attending the funeral, including preparations and aftermath.

So maybe it did or does take courage NOT to do things, like not to send my daily quote yesterday and not to write my posts and not to update my gratitude diary. And yes, it still makes me feel a bit scared, as I no have given myself the option to NOT finish my daily to-do list.

But even while scared, scared of falling back to not doing things anyhow, no matter whether I planned them or not, somehow I have the feeling I gained some flexibility, lost some of my rigid thinking by indeed allowing me to be flexible, even where the cost is NOT doing the things I planned, so not working the plan.

But it made me more human, as being a human being you can’t control everything. And you certainly need to take the time to be with family, friends, to share a loss like the death of a loved one.

On the way to leadership

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Napoleon Bonaparte Strange, I am getting more and more the feeling that I am on the way to leadership. And the main reason is that in the back of my mind I often hear Napoleon Hill say “a leader must plan the work and work his plan”. And that is what I have been doing lately, also today. As today was a very strange day, as part of the day there was no electricity, kind of unexpected and longer than I thought. But I also knew I was going to finish the things on my to do list, the things I planned, and I was going to write my posts, no matter what. Although of course if the electricity wouldn’t have come back I might have decided not to finish my list, my plan.

And no, I’m not happy. As my dream, the thing I stated as my definite purpose, has not become reality yet. It somehow even feels further away than the last year or so. But I feel much stronger, much more self confident, self confidence I never felt before like this. And yes, knowing what I want, having decided what I want in life and having written that down makes life easier. As I don’t have to think anymore about what I want. As it won’t change. And somehow, no matter whether I feel closer to it or further away, that makes life much easier.

And of course I have doubts, of course I doubt. I’m still human. But whenever I doubt, I ask myself something like what else I would want. Or whether I am still willing to give what I stated in my desire document. And until now the answer has always been, no, I don’t want anything else. This is what I want. And yes, I am still willing to give what I stated I wanted to give.

And no, it’s not easy. As my desire, the thing that I want, is very, very big. And still kind of impossible. But those questions, and the answers, the answers written in my desire document, still keep me going, give me peace, give me strength.

And I started this post with something like becoming a leader. And recently I really feel like becoming a leader. As e.g. I notice how few leaders there really are. And how much leadership is needed, how many people need a leader. And I feel humble, scared sometimes. As I never had a good leader to follow, except maybe Napoleon Hill. So I guess I follow him, his ideas, the ideas he wrote down, the ideas that he states are the combination of the ideas of many leaders, many successful people.

So yes, maybe I am becoming a good follower also, meaning I may also become a good leader.

Thank you Lord!