Author Archives: Guus

I am attending meetings of Twelve Step programs and I think until now my biggest struggle is the concept of a loving Higher Power, with emphasis on the word loving. As in my experience God is not loving, in my experience God is punishing, implementing some law I have to follow. And I think I wrote about this struggle before, although I am not fully sure if it was in this site or in my Dutch blog.

Keep in mind that I make a big presumption in the above paragraphs as I somehow replace “Loving Higher Power” with “God”, where in the program “Higher Power” is not necessarily God or a god. And “God” in the program is definitely not the God from the bible, the God I grew up with and somehow still believe in. No, it is “a God of my understanding”, which indeed in my case is kind of the God I grew up with, the punishing God, the God of Law.

And interesting, while searching for an image of a loving Higher Power I ended up in the page http://ohmygodlife.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-your-higher-power/, a page dealing exactly with what I am talking about here.

Ah, and I am still so tired. Yes, from all the things I believe my Higher Power, God, wants from me. As I have to do God’s will, which is tiring for me. Yes, that is another struggle for me, doing God’s will. As God mostly seems to want something else than I want. And as I don’t like that I keep struggling, and yes, trying to do my own will. And of course I can never win that fight, as God is more powerful than I am. Or isn’t He?

It is okay to beat myself up…

I am still searching for a loving Higher Power and found this: Finding Loving Higher Power.

What struck me right now were the statements “It’s okay to beat myself up” and “It’s okay to isoloate”.

Strange, how that just gave me freedom. Same like I just drank quite a bit as I needed, wanted it, just get a bit drunk. And no, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, so no real problem, but still, of course it is, as I was and am trying to numb myself from the pain, the pain that Iwa is sick, that Iwa has tumor. So hard to accept. Where is the love here?

Sin

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“Did perpetual happiness in the Garden of Eden maybe get so boring that eating the apple was justified?” ― Chuck Palahniuk

Is this really sin?
I think this is just fun

For quite a while I wanted to write about ‘sin’, as I think the concept of sin has had a very negative influence on my life. To me ‘sin’ implies something like ‘wrong’, something like ‘I am wrong’, and I believe that is not the right way to live life by. At least it doesn’t and didn’t work for me.

And I was searching for an image related to ‘sin’ and found the one next to this text. And again, what is wrong with some group performing, making music, making fun, letting people enjoy, no matter the text of the song or the sound of the music. Nothing sinful there I think, although many people, especially people calling themselves Christian, would consider something like that kind of performance ‘sin’.

But yes, let’s first see what Wikipedia says about sin: “A sin is a morally wrong act.” (Sin on Wikipedia). So that means we go to another ‘problem’ term: moral. And amazingly I find a more positive statement on ‘moral’ than I thought: “A moral (from Latin morālis) is a message that is conveyed or a lesson to be learned from a story or event”. As to me anything related to ‘moral’ is negative, is ‘wrong’, is ‘something I did wrong’.

So my negative thinking about sin is related to religion, especially the religion I grew up with, and not related to any concept of sin. And that is related what I find on another page about sin in Wikipedia. And that states something like “sin is the act of violating God’s will by transgressing his commandments”. And yes, that sounds so familiar to me and sounds soooooo negative.

And another interesting link about sin: sin according to the Catechism of the Catholic church. Wow, not easy to write an article that is founded well. I tend to just write and give my own opinion, but recently it seems I want to do a bit more.

So what I know now is that my idea of sin as I perceived it until now is too narrow, not founded in any research or written stuff, but only based on something like “if you don’t follow the (ten) commandments, you are a sinner, and therefore you will be punished”.

Taurus

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Someone shared this in Facebook and being a Taurus I like it ☺.

Taurus

Struggle

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It seems I am still in a big struggle with life, with God. And I really don’t know what to do anymore. And yes, it is all about needs, mainly sexual needs and financial needs. And I think financial needs only represent other needs, sexual needs are the hardest for me to deal with. As to have my sexual needs fulfilled I need another person; or at least I prefer to have sex with another person, as in my memory sex with another person is so much more than masturbating and/or watching porn and such.

Lee and Guus And I did not want to write about sex or sexual needs. I wanted to write about why my life is not working. Or at least I have the feeling my life is not working. But while writing I think unfulfilled sexual needs are my main problem. And that problem seems to be impossible to solve. As my partner does not want to have sex with me. And I want to be in a monogamous relationship; I only want to have sex with him. So I feel so much trapped; I have somehow trapped myself in some kind of impossible situation by setting some rules about what I want and need.

And yes, my escape when my sexual needs are not fulfilled is internet, internet sex and things like that. And I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but sometimes I just feel drawn into it. It seems sexual urge is so strong that even(?!) I cannot resist it’s force.

And yes, I know I ‘should‘ talk about this with Lee, not write about it here. Yes, maybe this is an escape from really confronting the issue. Anyhow, let’s see where this goes. And strange I use the word should here. I am so much trying to avoid that, as it implies wrong and mostly it is easily replaced with ‘could’.

Or maybe I ‘should‘ just scream out loud here that I love him and want to be with him, no matter what. I have the feeling I never did that, at least not in the right way and in the right place or places. And who would be a better person than me to be with him, as I believe he cherishes monogamous relationship as much as I do, or maybe even more. And to me that is the most important thing in a lovers type relationship. And it is not easy finding people, especially gay people, wanting a monogamous relationship, or managing and able to maintain that. And no, I did not maintain it either. After years and years without sex and Lee being away for long times, also years, I finally decided to start dating almost two years ago. And yes, a few of those dates resulted in sleeping with someone and one even in really having sex. So I broke my own rules, I could not wait anymore. And I am still kind of breaking those rules, as I keep looking around, flirting, and using porn and sex chat and more to somehow deal with that sexual urge that seems so strong, unmanageable strong. But yes, for now I stopped the actual sex, meeting people, even though I have never really entertained that, except looking for love, a new lover.

And I guess the main reason for writing this article is that two days ago Lee kind of ‘caught me in the act’ of watching porn on the internet and having a sex chat with someone. I felt so bad as I know he hates that part of me. And I hate that part of me too, as ‘just having sex’ is so ‘not me’. But yes, somehow that internet stuff just happens to me. Like two days ago I just couldn’t sleep and I thought masturbating might make it easier for me to fall asleep.

And this post is not going the direction I want it to, so right now I am even wondering if I ‘should’ post it. But yes, sex and sexual urge, sexual need seems to still be such a taboo, that it may just be wise or right to indeed write an publish a post like this. Or isn’t it a taboo (anymore)? I know most younger people I am in contact with are much easier about it. Or maybe people were already easier with it than I am long time ago, when I was looking for sex, looking for a relationship after coming out, mainly in bars.

I am crying right now, as this issue seems to be so old, so much part of my life, and yes, having caused me soooooo much pain. I just wanted to love someone, yes, including the sexual part, the sex. Always, that never changed. And looking back on my life that never really happened. Yes, I fell in love, a lot, resulting in a relationship twice. But then in the relationship the sex died, both my partners didn’t want to have sex with me anymore after a while. And to me it is so much part of a relationship, the sex. It is the only thing that distinguishes a relationship from friendship for me. As I can do many things with friends, indeed, even sharing a house or a room or something. But I only want to have sex with my lover, my partner.

Wow, it seems this is the first time I want to write a structured article, a well written article. So maybe I will do. But that is not easy, as so many things are related to this subject, to my struggle, with life and with sex.

And yes, about a week ago I decided to change my tactic related to my way of finding some kind of way dealing with my sexual needs. I decided to try to love that part of me, that part that tries to find satisfaction on the internet, where the person I love and I want as my lover and partner is not available. And where real life sex is too dangerous to me with the risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease as I don’t like using condoms. I want to be free, feel free, expressing my sexuality. And the idea to better love myself instead of hate myself for that part comes from a tape from Louise Hay I regularly listen to, the idea that I can decide that I am okay as I am, that I am not a bad person doing things I don’t like to do or don’t want to do, and still do.

So yes, I hate that part of me satisfying my sexual needs in internet ways when my preferred way or ways are not available so much. And I am trying to love that part of me, or at least accept that part of me, but that has not proven to be easy, as my idea of how my love life is supposed to be is so specifically related to being in a monogamous relationship with one person, yes, preferably lifetime.

Ah, it seems so much is coming together in this article, in this post. My whole spiritual journey is in my mind now, but I have no clue how to share that, how to make you part of it. And yes, it seems it all starts with beliefs and family systems. And about validating those beliefs, and changing them according to our needs, according to who we are.

And yes, I will try to restructure this post and make it more readable, make it more useful to you, to my reader. Just know that for now it is just helping me to organize my thought. Yes, writing helps, maybe better in a journal, but for me it seems also important to share them in public.

Filthier than the filthiest rag

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History

I was a bit shocked when I realized what pastor Ferdie of the Great Alliance Commission Fellowship in Cagayan de Oro City actually said this morning, or what I thought he said (see update). As he said something like we humans are like “filthier than the filthiest cloth one can imagine”. And I know it is meant well, it is meant to show us the way to Jesus, but still, it is an affirmation, and when thinking about it I think it is kind of an insult to God. As I believe we are created in His Image, and calling ourselves filthier than the filthiest cloth, doesn’t that mean we also say God is filthier than the filthiest cloth? Or aren’t we saying He created us as filthy beings? Aren’t we saying He created humans as filthy beings?

Great Commission Fellowship

And this is an affirmation. And for quite a while I am trying to figure out where my negative thinking comes from. And I think it comes mainly from my upbringing, from my being raises as a Christian. And I am starting to believe more and more that my negative thinking, my thinking about a bad an punishing God (and life), comes from there, comes from the ideas I was taught when I grew up.

And when I was invited to join meetings from the Great Commission Alliance Fellowship I was happily surprised, especially with the worship gathering every Sunday, I was happily surprised that was and is quite a happy event every Sunday morning at 10 am in Cinema 3 of SM City (in Cagayan de Oro City) with modern music and modern preaching. Not the dull ceremonies with singing very old songs that didn’t make sense to me with only a church organ.

So after joining that event for the first time I decided to keep going. Mainly because I needed some more spiritual input, but also just to find new friends, to expand my social circle. And mostly I like the gathering, as mostly I am learning something. And I kind of like how pastor Ferdie mixes common sense self help type wisdom with biblical knowledge, with biblical ideas, although sometimes it is a bit too much for me.

And yes, I learned to be more myself, like joining things like singing or going to the altar when called. I learned to listen and participate as myself, not blindly following whatever is told or taught. I think that is big progress, not the least letting go of the past, letting go of this punishing God that has been with me so long, yes, that God is often or mostly still with me.

And this morning that God visited me, that negative God, that God that tells me that I am filthier than the filthiest rag. And I just don’t believe God is like that. I can’t believe that a God that I am told is a loving God, says or thinks I am dirty, that I am filth.

So also this Great Commission Fellowship has these negative teachings about human beings. And that turns me off. Yes, I know somehow I commit ‘sin’ as somehow I do things that I believe I am not supposed to do; I do things I don’t want to do; I do things that I believe are ‘wrong’. But on the other side I am just “me”, somehow I was just created this way. So why blame me for being me?

So why write this post? Well, I guess the main reason was that pastor Ferdie kind of brushed me off when I tried to share my concern about what he had said this morning. And this was not the first time he said it, but this time it just struck me as ‘wrong’. as a wrong message to people. As it may just make one feel bad. And I don’t think it is right to make people feel bad about themselves.

If God is good, aren’t we also good? And aren’t we made in His Image?

Update

Good I pushed through telling pastor Ferdie what I had understood from his sermon, as he responded that he had not said or meant that we are all filth in the eyes of God. He had meant or said that even if we were filthier than the filthiest cloth on earth God is there for us, Jesus has saved us.

And last Sunday, yesterday, I was happily surprised hearing him say things I have been writing about, like that we have been made in God’s image.