Tag Archives: Higher Power

From Punishing Higher Power to Loving Higher Power

Still searching

Supporting Higher PowerI am still struggling with things like the word love and Loving Higher Power. So I keep searching the internet to find solutions and I found this article: finding a new Higher Power.

Find below my first attempt based on the suggested exercise in the article: first describe my current view of God, then my ideal view of God.

What do I think God is right now?

Somehow I still think God is that kind of old bearded man on the pulpit of the “Grote Kerk” in Vriezenveen. It seems I can’t really get rid of that image, that picture in my mind.

So it is a man, a man of like 60 or 70 years old. And he has a long grey beard, like Khomeini. And is giving all these laws, these rules and regulations, rules and regulations that I try to follow, but often don’t manage to follow, like I was not able to keep my relationship and I was not able to keep my jobs.

And some of my own rules, like not getting in debt, not having debt, and paying all my bills. I couldn’t even keep that simple rule, as I lost most of my money and was not able to earn enough. So humiliating.

God right now is almost always disagreeing with everything I do, with everything I want, with virtually every decision I make. And he lets me know, as he lets me fail in almost everything I do, e.g. does not allow me to meet the right partner, does not allow or help me to find the right team members for DoctorsConnect, does not allow or help me find team members and friends otherwise.

It is a very dispecible God as he mostly lets bad things happen to me, gives me hope at first, but then takes things away, like with the dog training recently.

It seems he finds pleasure in making my life as miserable as possible, including giving me these dreadful feelings of anxiety and such so I can’t even work, can’t even succeed, like putting time and effort in things I still want to do, still try to do, including doing Step Work and such.

So it seems my current God of my understanding is more like the devil, not like a loving God, helping me and supporting me. Recently I am starting to wonder why He even created me, as I am doing everything wrong in His eyes anyhow.

The worst of this God is that I can’t even escape Him in death, as He will keep haunting me in eternity, in life after death. So even suicide is not an option, as He will just continue annoying me after I die. He will just laugh at me, like, see, here I am again, here I still am, you can’t escape Me.

The kind of funny thing is that He created everything, and many or most things are really beautiful in this world, in this universe, even though of course there is pain and suffering. But yes, it seems most living creatures don’t suffer as much and as long as I am. Kind of weird, as how important am I to God anyhow. Just one of those six billion people or so, so why would He care to bother me so much, give me so much pain and suffering.

Or is that indeed love, finding a way to get my attention? Well, I guess He got it now. Except I don’t know if so much negative attention is really what He wants or needs from me. Wouldn’t He rather see me happy and satisfied?

Another image of God I have right now is some kind of universal force, but a force that is kind of neutral, a force that comes from ‘energy’, from the things I now know or believe the universe is made of, like strings from string theory.

Strange that that second image of God, of Higher Power, is kind of neutral. That force would not allow me or anyone else suffer so much. It would just be neutral and support any effort to create something, like me creating DoctorsConnect and get rich; or me earning enough in some kind of way.

If I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, what would that be?

Supporting Higher PowerIf I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, that God would give me everything I want and need. Or at least He would support me in my decisions and in the things I do. As to me that is what the word love implies: giving someone everything he wants, so he would lead a happy life, would enjoy life.

And of course this God might or would just use the worldly things to help and/or support me, like putting the right people on my path to help me with DoctorsConnect, even though there might be miracles, like letting go away my mental disease of having so much emotional pain and anxiety. And yes, he might let me win the lottery or something, so I could pay my debts and such and live a happy life without being a burden to other people. He would certainly not use my mom to let me survive financially. He would have allowed and allow me to visit her every year or so, by giving me the means, the financial funds to do so.

He also wouldn’t let me wait so long for my ING internet banking code, even though that long wait seems to have helped me with keeping my ABN AMRO account or something.

That God wouldn’t have made me like feeling guilty and ashamed almost all the time to other people and towards Him. As how could I be responsible, especially to Him, about who I am and about the decisions and choices I made?

He would never put me in the embarrassing position I am in now, not even being able to buy the normal daily things from the money I earn.

And I think I am just writing too much here. To me a loving God or a loving Higher Power would just give me anything I want and need to lead a joyful and loving life, being able to enjoy life myself and help others if needed.

And He wouldn’t come with those stupid ideas that I already have enough, that I already have what I want and need.

Yes, of course I have already what I need, like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat every day. I even have more, like a computer and internet access and people around me. But is that really all I need to be happy and joyful?

And yes, looking back He may have given me what I need in the form of suffering, of being poor, of loosing everything, so I know more about life, about where other people stand, how other people live. So yes, that is certainly a good thing. But I guess it is only a good thing if He would somehow find a way to give me the things I want, like money and a car and maybe a nice house again, this time in a way with having the funds to maintain it and such.

Ah, and he would certainly not have let my mom, and my dad before, to suffer financially. Or emotionally, like not allowing me to go home, go to The Netherlands regularly, like every year.

Going back to the exercise as described:

He would sound very nice, maybe whisper to me what I need to do, could do to be successful or something. Yeah, He would whisper guidance to me all the time, so I would make the right choice all the time. He would leave no doubt of what He means, unlike the God from the church, from the bible, who just tells me to be obedient and do His Will, without giving me any clue about what that exactly means.

He would not really think anything of me I guess. He would just let me be me and be successful. He also wouldn’t need to, as I guess He would be busy enough taking care of all things in the universe, so I wouldn’t really need a lot from Him. I can just manage alone, as long as I have enough funds and such. If He would give me enough money now I am pretty sure I can manage most things myself, without needing further assistance from Him. I would just want him to see me enjoy life, see me do good, good in the sense of material stuff I would enjoy, as well as me doing good to other people, do good in the world. He would laugh in a nice way, enjoying seeing me enjoy life, enjoying seeing me travel, build businesses, helping other people be happy and joyful.

Right now He would say about me something like “Hey, see, that is Guus. He suffered so much, but I gave him money, gave him what he wanted, and see him now, see how much he enjoys and how he does good in the world. Take a sample in him, as he overcame all this suffering, didn’t kill himself even, no matter how much pain and suffering I gave him, but he endured and finally got what he wanted and is living a perfect life now, a life as how I meant life to be”.

And I am not sure how He would look like. Maybe like a younger version of me, but then more handsome, like someone I would be sexually attracted to.

Power greater than myself

Last night I kind of hit bottom as I really didn’t know anymore what to do or even why I am here. I feel so powerless and my life has become so unmanageable. I hardly do anything, especially in the morning as I just feel so weak, so powerless, so overwhelmed by that indescribable feeling. Or maybe empty indeed, the ‘hole in the soul’ type of feeling. And I keep thinking of the times where life was just normal, where I just worked, had a relationship, income, money, savings, a house, holidays, visits to friends and family. And it is all gone, it seems there is nothing but emptiness and drudgery, not even goals. So yes, I often think of just getting out, just killing myself, hanging myself. And I could (easily?) do now I guess, as two weeks ago I bought a long, pretty strong rope for one of my dog training sessions.

Power on my desk

And no, no friends to go to, or family, or whatever, as I know they also don’t have the answer. It is really up to me what to do with my life, or up to the will of my Higher Power.

And that is what I got last night, as it seems I finally kind of got to Step 2, came to believe a Power Greater than myself could restore me to sanity. As yes, I feel sick now. I never felt sick, but I really feel sick now, emotionally, spiritually sick. So last night was one of the first times I guess I really cried out loud my pain, my helplessness, my despair. It was the first time I think I really felt powerlessness as I think is meant in Step 1. And amazingly it gave room for something else, surrendering like that somehow opened a door to ‘coming to believe in a Power Greater than myself’. As I just can’t do it alone anymore, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

And I am not sure in what order things happened, but I was listening to Steps videos on YouTube, and heard a story about someone mentioning someone having a large rock in his garden as his Higher Power. And while kind of joking he replaced “Higher Power” with “rock” in the texts, and somehow that opened a door to me to a concept of a Higher Power that would work for me. As I could admit my shortcomings to a ‘rock’ or anything else, I could read my Step 4 work to a ‘rock’ or something, I could write a letter to a ‘rock’, as I realized I just needed something outside of me to address, something more powerful in some kind of way, like rocks are not easy to destroy, they are pretty stable and sound. I also remembered one day, long time ago, I tried to destroy plywood with a hammer as kind of a healing method, but I was stunned and disappointed how touch the plywood was, not easy to destroy, it would not even break. It was just tough. And believe me, I had a very big hammer.

So I started searching for some kind of Higher Power, a rock or stone or something else that is not easy to destroy, that is like iron or, indeed, rock. And I found some old piece of pipe and some small stones and also thought of the gold necklace I am wearing lately, but couldn’t really find something strong like a stone, like a rock. And the necklace is too vulnerable to me to represent the kind of Power I am looking for. So well, I took that old piece of steel water pipe with some rubber on it and put it on my desk, as that was the best I could find at that moment. And went to bed again and slept I think.

Power Greater Than Myself

So this morning I started searching for something ‘power’, like a stone or rock, or maybe the big Acacia tree in the garden, but nothing really seemed suitable. Until I saw a small stone/rock lying on a bigger rock, just on the top. And it felt just right for me, like a miracle, as how could such a small rock end up on top of this big rock. And later I realized someone could have just put it there, but that doesn’t really matter. It was just there and it caught my attention and it suits my purpose for now: something outside of myself that is ‘hard’, that is strong. And yes, I am starting to realize it doesn’t really matter what I choose as my Higher Power, as long as it suits the purpose of ‘Higher Power’. As yes, I was thinking a rock like this could be lost or broken or even pulverized or whatever. But that doesn’t matter, as I can always replace it, always find a new Higher Power, as long as I make a choice. And yes, that is what I wanted to add. It felt very important that I made a choice, that I just made ‘some choice’ for ‘some Higher Power’, right now, just for today, or this week, or this month, or this year, or yes, this lifetime, but that doesn’t seem to really matter now. The main decision to make was making a choice, which I did.

My ideal (loving) Higher Power

Struggle

I am still struggling with the idea of ‘God‘ and ‘Higher Power‘, especially related to LOVING Higher Power or Loving God. And yes, while writing, I am also struggling why in the Twelve Steps in Step 2 there is a mention of Higher Power and in Step 3 it is about God. As if God and Higher Power are the same. But maybe they are not.

Photo


Photo that appealed to me related
to Higher Power right now (found on oalifeline,
I have no rights for this photo)

I just put the photo, based on my feeling, which did not make sense to me. But later I saw the clouds, the sky behind the dog, representing The Universe, Higher Power to me. And I just realized that my dogs, including two Rottweilers, like on the photo, support me so much recently, seeming to feel what I feel, feeling so bad, and still wanting to be me, as close as possible. That is such a great feeling, such a great gift.

A (loving?) Higher Power of my understanding

I wrote below the characteristics of what a loving Higher Power would be to me, like when a Higher Power would be loving. And I realized I ended up writing my definition of a Higher Power, which I realized could be interpreted as ‘playing God’.

Then I thought further and defining ‘loving Higher Power’ or ‘love’ in my understanding would indeed be something like defining like I did. As if a loving Higher Power would not match my definition it would not be a loving Higher Power in my understanding. Then it could still be a Higher Power, but not ‘loving’.

And looking at the things I wrote I expect from a loving Higher Power implies that Higher Power would have unlimited power, be able to do ‘anything’ in my life, in the world, in The Universe. And of course that goes back to my understanding of ‘God’, the God I know from the bible, the God that is all powerful. And that God is also like the God of Islam and such.

So if a/my Higher Power is loving in my understanding and all powerful, then why does He or She not give me what I want and think I need? Well, i guess those things go back to understanding life, to the dilemma of life, the dilemma I guess we all struggle with.

Characteristics I relate to loving Higher Power

Anyhow, I was thinking I could at least write down what to me the characteristics of a Loving Higher Power would be. So here we go:

  • A loving Higher Power would give me what I want, no matter what, or would at least help me get what I want.
  • One of the things I would expect a loving Higher Power to do right now is to give me enough money to do the things I want to do, or at least enough money to provide in my current needs, provide enough money ‘to pay the bills’ so to speak.
  • I would expect a loving Higher Power also to take away my current suffering, especially that terrible feeling I mostly, or lately always, wake up with.
  • I also would expect a loving Higher Power to help me use my talents in a way, yes, that I want, like use my talents to make some decent income, or at least make sure I have enough money so I could share my talents for free. As I love to work, use my talents, yes, provided that my work is somehow appreciated, which I feel it is not right now.
  • I would also expect a loving Higher Power to give me the love life that I want, the love life I think I need and deserve, like sleeping together and yes, making love, having sex, preferably with who I consider and want to be my lifetime partner, preferably with Lee.
  • I would expect a loving Higher Power also to find a way so I could visit my mom at least one more time before she dies, or before I die, as she would love so much to see me and I would also like to see her.
  • And yeah, I would expect a loving Higher Power to help me restore The Malasag House, renovate it, make it beautiful again, hopefully with the same spirit in which Lee and me occupied it long time ago, in 2006.
  • And yeah, I would like my Higher Power to take away the burden of my loan away, just pay it, just let it go, just leave it in the past. And I am not sure how much I learned from that experience, of how that loan all came to be, but it was not only my fault, my mistake, there were also others involved in that.
  • Ah, yes, I would also want my Higher Power to help get YokYok and Arf together, so we can be a family again, together with all the dogs in one place, happy together.
  • He or She would certainly not want me to do things I don’t want to do or don’t like to do.
  • Communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.

My part

Next to thinking about what a loving Higher Power would be to me I was also thinking to add what a loving Higher Power would want from me. And what comes to mind now, maybe also what a loving Higher Power would want to give me:

  • A loving Higher Power would want me to be happy and enjoy life, enjoy all the things there are in the world, all the things there are in ‘creation’.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to be careful with everything in His creation.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to love Him or Her back: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, Is just to love and be loved in return”.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to do the things I love to do, do the things He created me for.
  • A loving Higher Power would want me to communicate often with Him or Her often.

What next?

So what is next? While writing it came to me that I can at least do my part. As by the nature, the definition of Higher Power I cannot control my/a Higher Power, whether of my understanding or not.

And then indeed, it is up to my Higher Power to do His or Her part. At least now He or She now knows more about what I would expect from a loving Higher Power, how I look at ‘love’ or ‘loving’. Maybe He or She could consider my thoughts on that.

So my part would be:

  • be happy and enjoy life;
  • be careful with anything in this/His/Her creation;
  • love Him or Her as I want or expect to be loved;
  • do the things I love to do and/or He or She created me for;
  • communicate often, show my love often, let Him or Her know I am here/there.

Sounds pretty simple, so let’s start from here.

Preliminary result

Writing this page, the above, a few days ago has had some kind of positive influence on me, as it gave me a way to focus on my part whenever I am angry or confused or whatever. Like I just found myself chatting to a friend “I hate God for …” and that brought me back to the fact that my part does say to “love my Higher Power”, not “hate my Higher Power”. It also made me realize that I can maybe only love someone or something if I can also hate him or her or it. Somehow anything also relates to its opposite, like there is no love if there is no such thing as hate.

It also helped me leave the things I expect from a loving Higher Power with my loving Higher Power, so I don’t need to ‘work so hard’ to achieve those things.

Dear Loving Higher Power

Dear Loving Higher Power,

I guess I still do have a Higher Power. Or maybe I have more than one, but most seem to not be able or willing to help me, yes, help me get what I want, and no, I don’t even talk about needs, because the subject of needs is very confusing to me.

I am writing this to you as I presume you are somewhere out there, maybe even looking for me searching for me, calling me, but until now I did not really hear you or experience you or something. Yes, sometimes I have nice experiences, like yesterday evening I really had my time with Arf, and earlier also with YokYok. And of course Iwa is there, often joining me, even sleeping with me in the bed, which of course feels nice, as touching a dog is also touching something like a warm body.

I guess what bothers me most is that I was not able to have or maintain the relationship I wanted or always dreamed of. Yes, there was Nico and we had a pretty good life. And yes, there was a lot of love between us, but you know the sexual part, the intimacy part was not really working, it was there, especially in the beginning, but not really as I wanted it, needed it.

Then finally I was so happy meeting Lee, and it felt all okay, I kind of knew it was okay: this was the person I could really share my life with, without the worries of not having sex, of not having someone to sleep with, of someone not leaving me. And look now where that brought me. Over time he started leaving me more and more, and the sex was not really growing, on the contrary, it was getting less and less and less satisfying, where I believed love life, sex, is something that would be growing, become more pleasurable and love like, instead of deteriorating and finally just coming to a full stop.

And I feel so stupid continuously writing about sex and my problems with it, as of course I know there is much more in life than sex and in the end it is not even really important. And I had and have so many things I am and could be grateful for, but that all overwhelming need for ‘having someone’, someone who is just there for me, yes, including the sleeping together and the love making.

And I am wondering now if a Higher Power would know about these things, the sexual attraction when you like someone physically, the wanting to hold, the wanting to sleep with someone, and then, yes also going into the sexual, although I like the more erotic part, the petting and such, more than the pure sexual acts, although the oral stuff can create a very nice feeling and create a lot of pleasure. I guess if you would know about it you would help me get more of that. And yes, basically I only want that with Lee, but he is not here and does not want me anymore, so I am having a hard time for a long time already, as I always believed in being monogamous, having sex, sharing sexual physical intimacy only with one person. I know that is not very practical, but it is still what I want.

So yes, I made mistakes, as when Lee was not available anymore to sleep with me or have sex with me finally I started dating. Or like in 2012 I was so devastated realizing Lee had left me that I allowed some things to happen, even though it was not really what I wanted, like the lying on the couch with, well, I forgot his name, and the massage where I got so excited. It was so strange a stranger touching me in such a loving way, like the guy who I was on the couch with. And it was so nice a masseur doing the things I always dreamed of, but never really experienced with a partner. And no, at the time I did not push through, stopped at the right moment. Thank you for that, as maybe it was indeed you who helped me with that then and helped me writing my love letter to Lee.

Then Lee came back and I was so happy, being able to hold him again, sleep with him again, even though he was not really able to give me what I so desperately needed. But I thought, believed, that over time things would improve, also because I prayed to that Very High Power who told me The Plan needed to be changed to give me what I wanted. I trusted that would happen at the time, but then Lee started leaving me more and more again, finally resulting in me deciding it was time to start dating other people, which I did.

And then there was J., which I tried to stop until the last minute, but the “I don’t have time for this” hit me so hard that after that there was nothing really stopping me anymore. And nothing much happened, but again, it was soooooooooooooo nice holding someone and being held by someone, just the warmth of another human body close to me, feeling love, or at least love type feelings. Unfortunately that even turned out different than I expected. I had been naive again somehow again. But yeah, the feeling was there.

Then there was M., basically the only one I ever really had sexual contact with besides Lee, or that is not fully true, but you know what I mean. And no, also that was not ‘all the way’, but far enough to be called sex I guess. And the first time felt so nice. I had missed that feeling, that pleasurable feeling for sooooooooooooooooo long. And then I got confused, as he left me, did not want to stay for the night. I felt so left alone again. And strangely enough a similar thing happened again, him leaving again ‘after sex’. That time was not pleasurable really, as I guess I lost the trust and also felt unsafe physically. Crazy enough somehow I got sick even at the time, even though I am pretty sure now it was not really an STD, but some kind of weird bacteria in the wrong place, causing pain and discomfort.

And yeah, then I. was there. I liked him a lot and I guess something could have come out of it, but I am not sure if I could live with him, as he has some strange quirks like some stubbornness I don’t know how to deal with. It also felt like he abused me sexually, only wanting to receive sex, pleasure, not willing or able to give, give me pleasure. So yeah, I still like him a lot and I guess we can be friends, but no, I don’t think relationship or sex would work between us.

And I am starting to feel so awkward, as it seems I had sexual experiences with so many men, even though I always pretend to be monogamous or want to be monogamous. But it seems sex and intimacy are really powerful forces, hard or impossible to contain if they cannot be expressed in the way I want it to, or maybe even need them to.

So no, I don’t think I want to write more about my sexual experiences of the last few years, as I guess it will just make me feel bad, because the only thing I really, really want is to have a monogamous relationship, yes, preferably with Lee, still with Lee. I have no real clue why actually. I considered it part of the codependency stuff, but there must be more, yes, maybe I don’t understand or don’t know about. The connection I felt when I could not leave him behind at the bus station. The connection he maybe also felt and still feels, but I am not fully sure about that.

And I want to do something else now. I think I wrote enough and if you are the Loving Higher Power that they talk about then You know all these things, then you know my biggest dream, my biggest wish in life. I just want to be with Lee and build a strong and healthy relationship with him, yes including the sex, the romance, the physical intimacy, the sexual pleasure part. But what I remember most we had were the trips going to Davao, holding hands on the way, feeling connected, feeling belonging to each other. I guess that is what I miss most.

And I have no clue what ‘loving’ means anymore, but if you are a Loving Higher Power I hope you can help make my dream come true (again).

And I don’t know You and I can’t find You (yet?), but I guess I can love You too. I presume also Higher Powers need being loved, same like human beings.

I love You,

Guus

A loving Higher Power

I am attending meetings of Twelve Step programs and I think until now my biggest struggle is the concept of a loving Higher Power, with emphasis on the word loving. As in my experience God is not loving, in my experience God is punishing, implementing some law I have to follow. And I think I wrote about this struggle before, although I am not fully sure if it was in this site or in my Dutch blog.

Loving Higher PowerKeep in mind that I make a big presumption in the above paragraphs as I somehow replace “Loving Higher Power” with “God”, where in the program “Higher Power” is not necessarily God or a god. And “God” in the program is definitely not the God from the bible, the God I grew up with and somehow still believe in. No, it is “a God of my understanding”, which indeed in my case is kind of the God I grew up with, the punishing God, the God of Law.

And interesting, while searching for an image of a loving Higher Power I ended up in the page http://ohmygodlife.com/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-your-higher-power/, a page dealing exactly with what I am talking about here.

Ah, and I am still so tired. Yes, from all the things I believe my Higher Power, God, wants from me. As I have to do God’s will, which is tiring for me. Yes, that is another struggle for me, doing God’s will. As God mostly seems to want something else than I want. And as I don’t like that I keep struggling, and yes, trying to do my own will. And of course I can never win that fight, as God is more powerful than I am. Or isn’t He?

It is okay to beat myself up…

I am still searching for a loving Higher Power and found this: Finding Loving Higher Power.

What struck me right now were the statements “It’s okay to beat myself up” and “It’s okay to isoloate”.

Strange, how that just gave me freedom. Same like I just drank quite a bit as I needed, wanted it, just get a bit drunk. And no, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic, so no real problem, but still, of course it is, as I was and am trying to numb myself from the pain, the pain that Iwa is sick, that Iwa has tumor. So hard to accept. Where is the love here?