Author Archives: Guus

Today

Today was just another day. But while writing this, I realize, that a while ago I wanted a more ‘normal’ life. So at least the working for the last days has been back to ‘normal’, as I have more work at the moment than I can finish in a few days. And of course that’s a good sign. But still, I miss the budget to just go out, meet friends, have some small holiday. And somehow I believe life is supposed to be different, with more ups than I feel I have had.

But yes, it seems I’m on the right way though, even though I’m a romantic and still longing for that love and affection that I guess everybody is longing for. That would make life so much easier, and yes, actually it did for me. And yes, that’s also what Napoleon Hill states, that every successful person has this love type thing that drives him or her.

So how come we often mess up this love type thing? I still presume most people are the same like me, just looking to hold, to be held and have erotic and sexual experiences with their partner. But somehow that appears not be as easy as it sounds. Somehow emotions are standing in the way. As I don’t see that many relationships that really thrive, that really make both partners happy. And no, I somehow don’t agree with the statement that you need to be happy first yourself and that love and sex add just additional happiness, are just bonuses. I believe that people just need love (and sex) and affection. And that if those basic needs are not met, one cannot be happy, or at least it is not very easy to be happy. Of course unless one is into high level meditation and such.

So no, I don’t have all the answers. But recently I started to look more and more at my partner and started to try to understand him, even though often I’m fully lost with how he behaves and especially how he treats me. And some friend of mine often points out that it’s all about perception. And I think I’m understand a little more of the perception of my partner. And from that point of view it’s pretty logical how he reacts, what he does. And no, I don’t fully understand how he deals with some basic human needs. But it must mean there are some things in between that are larger than that. So these things must be pretty big. And maybe hurting him more than me.

Love and sex

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I still wonder how other people think about or experience or have experienced love, intimacy and sex. And no, not the unconditional God type love, but the love between two people, the falling in love, the one related to sexual attraction. As to me the love, intimacy and sex I experienced over my life has been merely a curse, as like all humans I need both. But it seems I was never to really experience it in the way I think it could be, should be, the way I still believe exists.

And yes, I kind of blocked myself of experiencing it. As next to this love and sex thing I also believe in a lifetime relationship. And in sex with your partner only. But this combination has put me, and I guess others who believe in the same things like I do or are built the same way as I, in very difficult positions. As it makes you 100% dependent on one person for, what I read are, very basic human needs. And the weird thing is that at least with my current partner I thought he believed in the same things. And I still believe he believes in the same things. But somehow he does not want to have sex with me. And somehow he is not able to make me feel loved, caress me in the way I need. So we both suffer, as both our needs are not satisfied, are not met.

So what’s going on here? How can two people who were so much in love and were compatible enough fall so deep? And both suffer so much?

I wish I had the answer, but unfortunately I don’t have it yet. And yes, they say you can only change yourself, so that’s what I am trying to do. And I guess I did, a bit, as far as you can change yourself. And they say to just let go. But isn’t that the easy way?

There must be a way. And I still intend to find it. But I could use some help maybe.

One year, ten years

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Today was a bit a strange day. I woke up and didn’t feel good, as usual, but this time after getting out of bed I realized that I somehow had my hay fever like symptoms again. And I thought how much that affected my life or must have affected my life. And no, I don’t think about that so much anymore, as I don’t feel like having hay fever so much anymore, but this morning it just hit me.

And I was alone, which I don’t like so much, but I’m coping better, much better with that right now, even though somewhere in the background there is that missing feeling, that feeling that ‘something is not okay’. But I’m coping and basically feel okay, feel I’m just being myself.

And I was thinking about money, the stuff you seem to need to do the things you like, like traveling or visiting friends or just buying things. And I need a lot of it right now, mainly as I am afraid that paying my debts is going to take something like ten years, if I start earning a little bit more soon. Otherwise it would take longer or I would never be able to do it. And that’s just paying my debts, no fun, no holidays, no visiting friends or buying nice stuff.

And yeah, I’m doing kind of okay, like today was just a good day as I worked a bit and kind of enjoyed that. But of course I was also thinking about my fifty first birthday tomorrow, where I have no real plans, mainly indeed because I don’t have the budget for that. And because my partner is not here, but if I had some budget i would probably do something. So my delayed fiftieth birthday as I had it in mind is probably not going to happen. And no, I chose to not let it happen on April Fools Day, at least not my way. And yes, looking back I realize I must have made a weird impression to some people. But of course they don’t know the whole story and I’m pretty sure if they knew the whole story they would understand a bit better why I behaved like I did.

So well, things are improving somehow. But I still miss the ‘wow’ feeling, the passion, the inspiration. And I came quite far since about one and a half year ago, when my whole life was in ruins, yes, I certainly came quite far. But no, I’m not inspired, not passionate and I have basically no clue where I’m going, except that I kind of set my goals in stone with my desire document. A document I didn’t feel like reading the last few days, a document I was a bit scared of the last few days.

But that’s why I gave this post a title of a favorite saying of mine: “people often overestimate what they can do in one year, but they underestimate what they can do in ten years”. So let’s stick with that.

The secret?

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I’m still wondering if and how websites or web pages like this work. I mean, someone put a lot of effort in it and somehow I ended up in that page and seeing from the url (I saw) it was some kind of advertisement I think I saw in the page where I found the inspirational quote for today. But that’s not the point as I saw quite some of these things, indeed, mostly related to breakups in relationships, but also others.

And I don’t like these kind of pages as they are so obviously ‘commercial’. Like the presentation in the page I found today is obviously set up to keep your attention to the end. And several things are being used to do that, like the warning the page may be taken away any moment, which I believe of course is not true as someone or some company has put quite some effort in making the page, especially the presentation. And of course that has to come back through the sales of the items being sold in the page.

Another thing on those pages is about pricing, as the prices are virtually always very, very high. And there is always some kind of discount displayed, often mentioned as ‘temporary’, sometimes even actually with a time limit.

And yes, you get a lot, as this page of today has a lot of useful information in the presentation. While writing this post it’s still running and yes, it still gives me more information, even though I might have stopped it if I wouldn’t be writing this post.

And it’s all true and I kind of agree with it, although for me personally one thing doesn’t add up, so I can really recommend it as in the end it’s of course just about self confidence and being happy by yourself without needing someone else.

And no, I did not put any affiliate code or something in the links on this page as I still still stick to the business model of give and receive, so yes, if you like this post or the link I would be happy to receive something from you, but I want to leave it completely up to you.

And yes, I’m still kind of wondering if there pages work and if the people buying the, in my opinion quite expensive, stuff in the page, are really happy with it, meaning buying it was worth the price.

Looking forward to your experiences or opinion on this.

Almost there

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Almost there for today, although I’m very tired and have the feeling I am overdoing a bit. But I can still do it and write this post, which is the last but one thing I had planned for today. And yes, I guess I’ll make it a very short one, the same as I can short cut my last planned item for the day. But I did it, no matter what, and this time with a lot less pressure than I used to feel before. This time it feels more like a choice: I can do it and I cannot do it and both is okay.

And yes, in my mind is still the suggestion from someone else, something I read in a book or on a website, that if you can’t do the whole thing, then just start doing 1% of the thing, just to get the feel. And talk about it as if it’s already the whole thing. So that’s always kind of an escape I have if I run short in time for the things I planned to do, but I hardly ever need that escape as I became much more careful in planning.

And for those people who don’t know, I used to be, and I guess I still am, very chaotic and not so disciplined. And becoming more disciplined also came with a very simple trick: making the bed every day. That’s also something I read somewhere and someone once made kind of a negative remark on it. But for me it seemed and seems to work.

So start with little things and try to extend them slowly (if you want). And if you don’t make it, don’t beat yourself up. That’s it.