More on doubt

I was, and still am, a bit in doubt what to write here, as I had a pretty busy day ending with a few hours without electricity which is why it is pretty late right now. And my doubt is about whether I will continue with the next self analysis question or if I just write a short post ‘just to write a post’. But actually I decided already: I just want to write a short note here that at least I am alive and am still fulfilling my daily task of writing here, which has helped me to become more disciplined.

And it is strange writing about doubt here, as often when I am tired I am still in doubt whether to write a short post, even one line or something or just skip the day. And mostly I decide to write and often I write even more than I was planning to, just like now, but the doubt keeps haunting me and also confirms to me right now that I could just make a decision on that right now for future posts, for future days when it is late and/or when I am tired.

And somehow I don’t want to, somehow I can’t make that decision right now for the future, even though implicitly I already made it, as mostly I just decide to write, no matter where I am, no matter the circumstances and no matter what time it is. And I am thinking now about two weeks ago, when I was on holiday in Siargao and even a few days on a very remote island with virtually no internet access. And I did send the daily quote most of the days, but writing posts I mostly skipped as it just felt like ‘too much’.

And well, even today I was able to write quite a bit, much more than just the one line that I felt actually was appropriate for today. It does even feel likes it makes some sense, so not bad I guess. And the last ‘I guess’ of course includes doubt, which is to be avoided related to success.

Mmm, I should keep it to myself, but I don’t feel like writing right now. So how do other bloggers deal with that? I mean, if you have committed yourself to write regularly, whether it is like every day like me or once a week doesn’t matter, but what do you do when you don’t feel like it?

But then again, maybe this is just the circle I am in. As I still see the traffic to this site go down, which it has been doing for the last month or so. And that doesn’t motivate to write or do anything, unless of course you just write because you like to write, which is what I understood another blogger does. Or maybe most bloggers.

So why am I writing anyhow is of course a good question. And I guess the first answer is still that it taught me discipline. As it has only a few times that I skipped writing, which in the end of course makes me feel good, makes me feel proud. But the second answer is still also kind of that I want(ed?) to share the ideas of Napoleon Hill with the world. And that I wanted to connect ‘inspirors’ with people needing or wanting inspiration. And the last I still want. And yes, of course I still also want recognition, recognition for my efforts, including the effort of writing every day. And the last is now kind of a hindrance, as traffic going down doesn’t really feel like being recognized, even though there could be various reasons for that. And yes, I know there are ways to boost my blog, a blog like this, but I am also still very hesitant about ‘marketing’ my site in certain ways, as somehow ‘sales’ still feels bad to me.

Anyhow, I started this blog with a title related to power. And I felt very powerless tonight in a phone call with my mam, as I felt blackmailed by her and I didn’t want to give in to the emotional blackmail she used as I thought that was not healthy. In the end I still kind of did, which indeed also makes me feel a bit bad. And that’s the hard part, as who would believe that a mother would blackmail her son. And if so, who would want a son to write about it, bring it in the open. And who would be interested in it anyhow. But I think it’s an important issue, as somehow ‘good behavior’ as I have learned is not ‘good’. Yes, honor thy parents, but should you still do that if e.g. your dad abuses you sexually? And in this case, if my mam uses emotional blackmail, should I still give in to her because she is my mam and ‘mam’s don’t do things like that’?

Ah, and yes, I am still tired. And I feel like I have a good subject here, but I also feel I need sleep.

So maybe you will forgive me for not writing further, not finishing this post. And of course I forgive my mam, even though I don’t even feel she did anything wrong to me. I think she merely did it to herself.

Tag Archives: Blog

Doubt

Powerless, or something