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Doubt

I was, and still am, a bit in doubt what to write here, as I had a pretty busy day ending with a few hours without electricity which is why it is pretty late right now. And my doubt is about whether I will continue with the next self analysis question or if I just write a short post ‘just to write a post’. But actually I decided already: I just want to write a short note here that at least I am alive and am still fulfilling my daily task of writing here, which has helped me to become more disciplined.

And it is strange writing about doubt here, as often when I am tired I am still in doubt whether to write a short post, even one line or something or just skip the day. And mostly I decide to write and often I write even more than I was planning to, just like now, but the doubt keeps haunting me and also confirms to me right now that I could just make a decision on that right now for future posts, for future days when it is late and/or when I am tired.

And somehow I don’t want to, somehow I can’t make that decision right now for the future, even though implicitly I already made it, as mostly I just decide to write, no matter where I am, no matter the circumstances and no matter what time it is. And I am thinking now about two weeks ago, when I was on holiday in Siargao and even a few days on a very remote island with virtually no internet access. And I did send the daily quote most of the days, but writing posts I mostly skipped as it just felt like ‘too much’.

And well, even today I was able to write quite a bit, much more than just the one line that I felt actually was appropriate for today. It does even feel likes it makes some sense, so not bad I guess. And the last ‘I guess’ of course includes doubt, which is to be avoided related to success.

Lost day?

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I am still wondering if today was a lost day. As I didn’t do a lot of things and I was completely uninspired to do anything. And I guess it has a lot to do with the emotional blackmail from my mam yesterday, which I didn’t know how to deal with. Or actually I did, even though I kind of violated my current rules by kind of giving in doing partly what she asked.

And this is not how it is supposed to be, your mam blackmailing you instead of protecting you, even if you are of middle age. And I don’t blame her, as I am starting to realize, especially as she kind of indicated in between the lines that she wás affected with the loss of Janneke, my sister, that she is much more emotionally down than I imagined. And I am learning not to take over her emotions, as it is her grieving and her problems, but it still hit me, for various reasons. Not in the least that I now also feel I lost my mam, after my sister does not want to have any contact with me for quite some time now.

And the strange thing is that with her action, with her blackmailing me emotionally, she achieved the opposite of what she wanted. As I had planned today, or maybe tomorrow, but probably today, to do the thing she wanted me to do. And because I felt so down myself I just didn’t do it, I just didn’t feel like doing it. And I didn’t even read my (business) e-mail, probably for the same reason, as I did not want to be confronted with the things we are having these problems about.

So seeing her creating her own misery, I am wondering what I am doing creating my misery, as I think I may be much more like her than I think or want to know. So maybe it is a good thing that happened, although I was very much affected with how she must have felt, how she feels. And it seems that she feels powerless, not able to understand or do things that look so simple from my perspective.

The hard part is still that somehow we don’t communicate, somehow we can’t reach each other. And I have no clue what to do about that from my side. As I don’t want to give in to what she wants. As this is exactly the pattern I am in: giving in too much to other people. So somehow this is a good test case, as I really need to stay with my own wants and needs, and not give in to someone else’s, no matter how much pain it creates for the other person. But if it’s your mam that’s not easy, believe me.

The hard part is also that I don’t feel supported by her and this is especially hard as she always tells me ‘she’ll do anything for me’. But if I ask her something specific she mostly, or in my feeling always, no. So apparently it’s not only my dad who executed his powers over me, but also my mam.

So I always thought we had a very close and supportive and loving family, but apparently it was not. And I also realize that it were exactly my parents who told me so, or at least where I got that impression from.

And separate from this all I keep wondering how much is in my own control and how much is not. As somehow I believe the ideas of Napoleon Hill that basically state, like many ‘self help’ books and sites, that you are in control of your own life. But looking at my own life I am much less in control than I thought I was. As somehow ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or whatever power is out there, needs to approve, needs to cooperate. Otherwise nothing happens, or the opposite.

Still strange, this interaction.

Ah, yes, I also keep thinking that you guys want some advice reading a post like this or an inspirational site. But I guess that’s not me, so for that type of thing maybe better go to other sites. And who am I anyhow to give you advice? I don’t know your life and how you grew up and what you want in life and what circumstances you are in. So I guess that, same like me, you just have to figure it out yourself, in the end.

But I hope you enjoy what I am writing, even though I know not many people are reading my stuff. But maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about that, as it’s just good to write, and the more I do it, the less I indeed care what other people think. And yes, that includes you, although of course I would still like you reading my shit. And better even if it would be good for you, if you learned something from it. But if you’re just enjoying it’s also okay.

Powerless, or something

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Mmm, I should keep it to myself, but I don’t feel like writing right now. So how do other bloggers deal with that? I mean, if you have committed yourself to write regularly, whether it is like every day like me or once a week doesn’t matter, but what do you do when you don’t feel like it?

But then again, maybe this is just the circle I am in. As I still see the traffic to this site go down, which it has been doing for the last month or so. And that doesn’t motivate to write or do anything, unless of course you just write because you like to write, which is what I understood another blogger does. Or maybe most bloggers.

So why am I writing anyhow is of course a good question. And I guess the first answer is still that it taught me discipline. As it has only a few times that I skipped writing, which in the end of course makes me feel good, makes me feel proud. But the second answer is still also kind of that I want(ed?) to share the ideas of Napoleon Hill with the world. And that I wanted to connect ‘inspirors’ with people needing or wanting inspiration. And the last I still want. And yes, of course I still also want recognition, recognition for my efforts, including the effort of writing every day. And the last is now kind of a hindrance, as traffic going down doesn’t really feel like being recognized, even though there could be various reasons for that. And yes, I know there are ways to boost my blog, a blog like this, but I am also still very hesitant about ‘marketing’ my site in certain ways, as somehow ‘sales’ still feels bad to me.

Anyhow, I started this blog with a title related to power. And I felt very powerless tonight in a phone call with my mam, as I felt blackmailed by her and I didn’t want to give in to the emotional blackmail she used as I thought that was not healthy. In the end I still kind of did, which indeed also makes me feel a bit bad. And that’s the hard part, as who would believe that a mother would blackmail her son. And if so, who would want a son to write about it, bring it in the open. And who would be interested in it anyhow. But I think it’s an important issue, as somehow ‘good behavior’ as I have learned is not ‘good’. Yes, honor thy parents, but should you still do that if e.g. your dad abuses you sexually? And in this case, if my mam uses emotional blackmail, should I still give in to her because she is my mam and ‘mam’s don’t do things like that’?

Ah, and yes, I am still tired. And I feel like I have a good subject here, but I also feel I need sleep.

So maybe you will forgive me for not writing further, not finishing this post. And of course I forgive my mam, even though I don’t even feel she did anything wrong to me. I think she merely did it to herself.

Guest post

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I don’t want to continue my post from yesterday today as I just don’t feel like it. So maybe tomorrow… And no, I don’t intent to procrastinate, I just don’t feel like it.

And the main reason is that I was reading some stuff from Scott Dinsmore who started Live Your Legend. And I notice there are some similarities and some differences between him, his goals, his dreams, his thinking, his site, or actually sites and me. And I guess the main difference is that he wants to help people, from his heart. And I just want to be successful, live my own life, have fun. And yes, of course I also want to help people, but it seems not in the same way as other (successful?) people. As it seems they are doing it by heart, as a definite purpose, and I do it for my own benefit. I just want to be happy and I believe I need success for it, I need to be successful to be happy, or maybe to be free.

And right now I kind of stopped, as I don’t know how to continue. As I wanted to talk about marketing, the marketing of Inspiration for Success, marketing through guest posts. Or actually a guest post to Zen Habits. As I read that that made the site of Scott Dinsmore take off, a guest post on Zen Habits. And/or guest posts to other large and famous sites of other bloggers. And I am getting scared now as I just read in a flash searching for that page, that guest post, that Leo Babauta wrote ten guest posts a month or something when he just started, next to the stuff he wrote for his own site. As that’s not what I have in mind. I am not a writer like Scott Dinsmore or Leo Babauta wanting to write stuff to help people. If it would help people anyhow. So maybe that’s the issue here, maybe I need to define better what I want. As if I’m doing something I don’t want, I’m not passionate about, it will never work.

So let’s brainstorm:

Originally I wanted Inspiration for Success to be a site, a project, to inspire people, especially people who had or have no one inspiring them. And yes, I still want that.
Next to that I want to program, like building the plugins I needed for this site, the one for SEO and the one for sending the daily quotes.
Then I wanted traffic, mainly to know that I am doing something useful, that people read my stuff. Or use my plugins.
And yes, related to that, I want to be famous, I want people to know me, which would confirm I achieved something. This confirmation would mean I am successful, which I don’t consider myself right now.
And finally I want financial success as that would mean financial freedom and that would mean freedom to do the things I want to do in life, like traveling.

And I guess that’s about it. That’s all.

Ah, yes, I also want to just work, do work that suits me, that makes me happy and that also makes other people happy. That is even a phrase in my desire document. And that is a major thing for me, as most of my life I did the work I liked, but nobody seemed to appreciate it, at least not in the end.

So how bad do I want all of that? Well, pretty bad, as I spend most of my time on it, even more than I like as I hardly make time for pleasure and friends. But there are some major hurdles that I was never able to surpass and the main hurdle is that I can’t seem to keep people, inspire people, build a team or something. So I’m doing most of the things, the work alone, and I realize more and more that that is not effective.

But then again, it seems Leo Babauta and Scott Dinsmore and many other famous bloggers also started alone. And sometimes still do most things alone. And it seems that Leo Babauta is pretty successful in my terms as he seems to have achieved financial success with his blog, but if I read most of his posts he is still struggling with many things similar to me (and you?). Ah, yes, you may have noticed, I am pretty jealous of him. And also of the many other (successful) bloggers with many followers.

But while writing the last I may not have to be jealous, as I am not a blogger in the way they are. It is not my thing to write posts, good posts, good content to inspire people, advise them or something. Yes, my thing is writing every day, but that is more to have learned and now have a ‘good’ habit, nothing more, nothing less. And to write software, programs, maybe plugins, which is also what I did, including my stuff to handle the top inspirational sites and top motivational sites overviews. And yes, I still want to extend that with stuff to connect people, the two categories of people I have in mind: people who want to inspire other people and people who want or need inspiration from other people.

So well, the idea that comes into my mind is to just ask Scott Dinsmore and Leo Babauta if they are willing to help me with the things I want. As yes, I guess I have quite some stuff to give also, like my overview of inspirational sites and this whole site with a lot of content. So maybe I should stop focusing on the things I don’t have or am not good at, like connecting to people or working with people and things like writing guest posts.

Let’s just ask.

How do they do it

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I am still wondering how other bloggers do it, the successful bloggers, like Leo Babauta and Alden Tan. They also often write about difficulties and stuff, but somehow they seem to be able to make it into something inspiring, where I have the feeling I’m just complaining. And yes, often, at the end of a post, I try to make some kind of positive statement, but I have the feeling many others handle their pain and sorrow much better.

Like right now, my life is still not in order as there is still no money coming in. And my partner and I are fighting, yes, a silent battle, but still. And somehow part of it, maybe even the biggest part, goes back to the fact that neither of us is good in earning, in getting money in. So slowly we got from having quite a lot of money, which I had when I left The Netherlands around ten years ago, to no money and the last few years to borrowing money. And it all went so silent, in such a sneaky way, that it was too late when I realized how bad it was. And right now I don’t see any way to get out of it, except ‘working hard’, which I do with my new project, but that has been something I have done all my life and somehow that didn’t work out.

And yes, lately I have kind of stopped the outgoing money flow, even though there is still quite a lot going out every month in a hidden way, in unpaid mortgage for the house and unpaid interest for the loans. So I did improve things. But right now I am kind of on a crossroad again, as there is nothing really coming in this month, meaning soon I will probably have no option but to borrow again as I have no clue how to increase my income. As I tried ‘everything’ to ‘earn’, except moving to another place, another city, another country, and nothing has worked.

And yes, I had some recent requests, but one prospect chose for another party and another prospect I can’t reach after sending a proposal. And both cost me quite some effort and time, although not really, just one or two days. And the first I thought I ‘had’ as we had quite a good conversation on Skype. But his main reason to choose for another party was that I am working alone right now. And of course that’s a risk, but that’s also kind of a chicken/egg problem. As if I don’t have enough customers I can’t grow my company, unless I find a partner or investor of course.

And I tried Elance again, but I did not hear anything from the few proposals I put there. And yes, as indicated before I started a new project, a new venture, a new challenge. And I won’t give up and I know somewhere deep down that if I continue ‘standing up’ one day success will come. It must.

But right now I feel a bit the same as when I started this site, where I was hoping I could have talked about my success already. But for now you’ll just still have to do with my complaints and stuff. But I hope one day, when you end up in this post or another complain-type post, you will also find my success story. So you will know that if you feel like me right now, if you just continue, the success will just be there.

So until then!