Tag Archives: Emotions

My life has become unmaneagable

ChaosToday, this morning, my life had become unmanageable again. I felt fully overwhelmed and was not able to do anything. I felt completely paralyzed. And I still do, although I started moving a bit and started writing here now.

And it is still so strange, feeling completely overwhelmed, not being able to do anything, or at least not anything useful. I still believe I ought to be able to control myself and ‘start working’, start doing something useful. But I just can’t, or at least couldn’t.

But yes, did I change. Wow, I think I changed a lot. The blame has gone, or at least seems to subside. As somehow indeed what is happening to me when I feel completely overwhelmed is out of my control. So maybe right now I am starting to understand or practice Step 1 really. The hard part is still how frustrating it is knowing that I am wasting my time, that I could use my time so much better, to work, to earn or whatever. Not wallowing in this terrible state of, well, I don’t know how to call it.

So is this rock bottom now? I have no clue. But yeah, I guess this was quite some bottom as I realized somehow I am suffering from something I cannot control. And that something has taken over my life, is making my life unmanageable. As I really couldn’t do anything this morning, I didn’t see any way to get out of that state, get out of bed, get moving and do the things I actually wanted or thought I needed to do.

So am I willing to do ‘anything’ like working The Steps seriously. Or more seriously than before? And would that really be a way out of this miserable existence I feel I am in? Ah, I hate discipline so much, like ‘working the Steps every day’ or something. That is just not me. But yeah, I also learn more and more that I am just human, that I can’t be perfect. And that in the end any ‘working the Steps’ may just be good enough, in that or this moment. Like really working The Steps seems so impossible, even though looking back I made enormous progress by just doing it my way, just my limited way, mostly by just reading the, mostly Coda, materials, listening to meditation tapes, recently praying more, and ‘doing nothing’ where I wanted to control ‘everything’.

Ah, yes, the writing, the journaling, which I prefer to dp here, helps, at least I think. Even though I often feel ashamed and guilty writing here, as it is public and not anonymous. And as thoughts are supposed to be private or something. Or a journal is supposed to be private. Ah, yes, maybe there is also some pride involved in writing in public, as I still want to be rich and famous. But I am just thinking, did Melodie Beattie (own website) not also write a lot in public? And maybe here is where I pull myself down (again), as why would I not be a good writer? At least I am a writer as I wrote 99% of the text in this site. And no, I don’t earn from it, but does that make me a bad writer or no writer at all? Ah, yes, it would be so nice to do the things Melody Beattie was able to do, like paying back all her debts and such. But I am not there (yet) and right now I still have no clue if I would ever recover enough to live at least a normal life again. But as the program says, everybody’s journey is different and hers seems to have been so much easier than mine. But who knows if it really is and does it really matter? I guess what matters most is that I would feel better and be able to achieve my dreams and desires in a more normal way, instead of lying on the bed paralyzed, not able to do anything useful, or at least that is how it feels in such moments. But then again, I could have never written this post if I hadn’t been in that situation this morning, with a complete relapse in being swallowed in emotions.

And yes, I know now that “this too shall pass” is true, as I am writing this right now and I feel a lot better, at least doing ‘something’ and even planning to do some work later, if I feel like it. But not easy knowing that, believing that, when I am on my deepest down, like earlier today. Knowing it makes me feel calmer though, even in those moments, and I am more patient now just letting the time come that I can move again, like now.

And yeah, I feel a bit drunk now, but at least much more relaxed. Not sure if using alcohol for that is good or bad, but right now it helps me be more relaxed, feel more relaxed, more in control of things. On the contrary of what one may believe related to this it feels good, so can something that feels good be really bad? As what someone said to me, if it feels bad it is probably bad.

And I was looking for an image, yes, mainly for SEO purposes, about unmanageabilty, so I searched for something like ‘chaos’. Amazingly, none of the photos tagged with chaos really looked chaotic. I saw beauty in all of them, order in all of them. Maybe on purpose, as people wanting to make a ‘professional’ photo may somehow stage something like ‘chaos’. But still, even the less staged photos had something organized, something beautiful in them.

And just a few minutes ago I was thinking I can start about manageability, like how can I live my life in a more manageable way. And that brings me to the idea of ‘planning’, and something like executing that plan. But not in a forced way, as that does not work, as I know e.g. from the dog training I do.

And right now that terrible feeling is coming back. And no, it seems I still can’t control it. I also somehow know I have been writing too long, have been doing too much right now. So instead of managing my time, making a plan or something, including some rest and relaxation, I am back to compulsive behavior.

So no, still don’t know what to do right now. ‘Working the Steps’ is working again, where I just need to relax, just need to rest. So maybe just do that, no matter how hard that is for me now.

My music and depression

I always liked playing music, first listen to the radio, then creating my own music collection, first on tape, copying from the radio and then, yes, records, vinyl. And right now I have a vast collection of MP3 files, as far as I know more than 20,000.

And I always wanted to play music, but never really got started. I don’t know exactly why, as I think I have feeling for it. Right now my budget is stopping me, as I wanted to learn to play drums, but I can’t afford a drum set.

And again, I don’t really feel like writing, but I just want to write a short note, a reminder. And while writing I realize that my current depression period, my period of feeling bad and paralyzed, may be coming to an end, fortunately.

Ah, yes, I wanted to be famous, as an actor, or with music, or both. And rich. And what made me start this post was that I just read about the life of Annie Lennox in Wikipedia:

Personal life

Lennox has been married three times. Her first marriage, from 1984 to 1985, was to German Hare Krishna devotee Radha Raman.[88] From 1988 to 2000, she was married to Israeli film and record producer Uri Fruchtmann.[89] The couple have two daughters, Lola and Tali. A son, Daniel, was stillborn in 1988. On 15 September 2012, Lennox married Mitch Besser, in London in a private ceremony.

In September 2012, Lennox featured in Series 9 of the BBC’s Who Do You Think You Are?, in which she discovered that her great-great-grandmother Jessie Fraser worked, at the age of 13, at the Broadford Flax Mill in Aberdeen. Her maternal grandmother, Dora Paton, was a dairy maid at the Balmoral Royal Estate and her maternal grandfather, William Ferguson, was a gamekeeper also at Balmoral, who on one occasion danced with the then queen consort of the United Kingdom, Elizabeth Bowes-Lyon.

Both of Lennox’s parents died of cancer. Lennox is an agnostic and a feminist. In the 2010 Sunday Times Rich List of British millionaires from the world of music, Lennox was estimated to have a fortune of £30 million.

And I often feel bad, because I don’t have and had the love life I wanted and still want and I am not good in earning anymore and such. And I don’t really have money anymore. So I often look up to rich and famous people. And this one paragraph in Wikipedia made me realize the life of Annie Lennox also had and probably still has, some deep downs, like also not managing to have the relationship she always dreamed of. Quite some statements: been married three times, a stillborn son, both her parents died of cancer. And some more stuff about her working as a bar maid and such in early life and apparently not knowing what to do with her life after study.

So yeah, it seems we all have our struggles and losses and things. Can money and fame ever replace a stillborn son or broken marriages?

Inspirational anger

Quintus Horatius FlaccusI mostly or virtually always try to control my anger (or emotions in general) and my anger especially because I have a partner who gets very angry easily and being angry in return just makes things worse in my experience. So I’m trying to keep my anger inside.

But today was the second time in a few months time where my anger was received positively or at least achieved a desired effect, so never being angry or never showing anger doesn’t seem to be the right thing to do always.

And the weird thing was it happened just after I sent my quote of today.

“The one who cannot restrain their anger will wish undone, what their temper and irritation prompted them to do.” – Horace

As I had been irritated for a few days as our water system was not working properly. And my partner had not been able to arrange someone to repair it, where he had indicated before that he would find someone. And if he wouldn’t have indicated that, I might have fixed it myself, or not, but then it would have been my choice.

And one of my major important things to start the day is taking a warm shower. As I am normally affected quite a lot by a morning mood, which will normally go away after I have taken my coffee, maybe had breakfast and then shave myself and take a shower.

But for a few days that had not happened as the water pressure was very low, which by the way affected many people as we had quite some visitors celebrating Christmas here. So I got more and more irritated over the last few days and I’m quite sure it showed to people as of course people feel that. And it kind of ruined part of my Christmas celebration, part of being part of the group of people celebrating Christmas with us.

So today, finally, my partner had arranged someone to repair the water system. And around five thirty I found out the water system had still not been fixed and the person supposed to repair it was doing other work. So I was very irritated and somehow also angry and showed it, which is often not a wise thing to do in The Philippines. But after showing him the real problem and asking him if I should be the one fixing it or he, he indicated he still wanted to do it.

And to my amazement thirty minutes later the problem was fixed. And it had not even been the annoying problem I thought it was. It was just as small clogging near the water filter very close to the house. So apparently a small fix and looking back the person supposed to fix it was not aware of the real problem, namely the water pressure on the second floor, meaning there was water on the ground floor, but not on the second floor.

So what I learned in life, and from the Principles of Success, is that you need to control yourself, need to be able to control your emotions. Which I kind of did, as I did not let myself or my anger go out of control. But I was angry and I showed it. And apparently that was the right thing to do.

So controlling your emotions doesn’t mean to fully hide them, it indeed means to control them, have some kind of control, so it won’t get out of hand. But showing them certainly seems to work, at least in this case.