Tag Archives: Patience

My life has become unmaneagable

ChaosToday, this morning, my life had become unmanageable again. I felt fully overwhelmed and was not able to do anything. I felt completely paralyzed. And I still do, although I started moving a bit and started writing here now.

And it is still so strange, feeling completely overwhelmed, not being able to do anything, or at least not anything useful. I still believe I ought to be able to control myself and ‘start working’, start doing something useful. But I just can’t, or at least couldn’t.

But yes, did I change. Wow, I think I changed a lot. The blame has gone, or at least seems to subside. As somehow indeed what is happening to me when I feel completely overwhelmed is out of my control. So maybe right now I am starting to understand or practice Step 1 really. The hard part is still how frustrating it is knowing that I am wasting my time, that I could use my time so much better, to work, to earn or whatever. Not wallowing in this terrible state of, well, I don’t know how to call it.

So is this rock bottom now? I have no clue. But yeah, I guess this was quite some bottom as I realized somehow I am suffering from something I cannot control. And that something has taken over my life, is making my life unmanageable. As I really couldn’t do anything this morning, I didn’t see any way to get out of that state, get out of bed, get moving and do the things I actually wanted or thought I needed to do.

So am I willing to do ‘anything’ like working The Steps seriously. Or more seriously than before? And would that really be a way out of this miserable existence I feel I am in? Ah, I hate discipline so much, like ‘working the Steps every day’ or something. That is just not me. But yeah, I also learn more and more that I am just human, that I can’t be perfect. And that in the end any ‘working the Steps’ may just be good enough, in that or this moment. Like really working The Steps seems so impossible, even though looking back I made enormous progress by just doing it my way, just my limited way, mostly by just reading the, mostly Coda, materials, listening to meditation tapes, recently praying more, and ‘doing nothing’ where I wanted to control ‘everything’.

Ah, yes, the writing, the journaling, which I prefer to dp here, helps, at least I think. Even though I often feel ashamed and guilty writing here, as it is public and not anonymous. And as thoughts are supposed to be private or something. Or a journal is supposed to be private. Ah, yes, maybe there is also some pride involved in writing in public, as I still want to be rich and famous. But I am just thinking, did Melodie Beattie (own website) not also write a lot in public? And maybe here is where I pull myself down (again), as why would I not be a good writer? At least I am a writer as I wrote 99% of the text in this site. And no, I don’t earn from it, but does that make me a bad writer or no writer at all? Ah, yes, it would be so nice to do the things Melody Beattie was able to do, like paying back all her debts and such. But I am not there (yet) and right now I still have no clue if I would ever recover enough to live at least a normal life again. But as the program says, everybody’s journey is different and hers seems to have been so much easier than mine. But who knows if it really is and does it really matter? I guess what matters most is that I would feel better and be able to achieve my dreams and desires in a more normal way, instead of lying on the bed paralyzed, not able to do anything useful, or at least that is how it feels in such moments. But then again, I could have never written this post if I hadn’t been in that situation this morning, with a complete relapse in being swallowed in emotions.

And yes, I know now that “this too shall pass” is true, as I am writing this right now and I feel a lot better, at least doing ‘something’ and even planning to do some work later, if I feel like it. But not easy knowing that, believing that, when I am on my deepest down, like earlier today. Knowing it makes me feel calmer though, even in those moments, and I am more patient now just letting the time come that I can move again, like now.

And yeah, I feel a bit drunk now, but at least much more relaxed. Not sure if using alcohol for that is good or bad, but right now it helps me be more relaxed, feel more relaxed, more in control of things. On the contrary of what one may believe related to this it feels good, so can something that feels good be really bad? As what someone said to me, if it feels bad it is probably bad.

And I was looking for an image, yes, mainly for SEO purposes, about unmanageabilty, so I searched for something like ‘chaos’. Amazingly, none of the photos tagged with chaos really looked chaotic. I saw beauty in all of them, order in all of them. Maybe on purpose, as people wanting to make a ‘professional’ photo may somehow stage something like ‘chaos’. But still, even the less staged photos had something organized, something beautiful in them.

And just a few minutes ago I was thinking I can start about manageability, like how can I live my life in a more manageable way. And that brings me to the idea of ‘planning’, and something like executing that plan. But not in a forced way, as that does not work, as I know e.g. from the dog training I do.

And right now that terrible feeling is coming back. And no, it seems I still can’t control it. I also somehow know I have been writing too long, have been doing too much right now. So instead of managing my time, making a plan or something, including some rest and relaxation, I am back to compulsive behavior.

So no, still don’t know what to do right now. ‘Working the Steps’ is working again, where I just need to relax, just need to rest. So maybe just do that, no matter how hard that is for me now.

Tradition eleven

“Our public relation policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films.”

Today I felt like writing again and what came into mind was writing about the Coda work I am doing. But writing about Coda or my Coda Step Work here kind of violates Tradition Eleven. Or isn’t it?

I just googled “tradition eleven”  and the first document showing up is a PDF about Tradition Eleven. Reading it quickly doesn’t give a good answer whether to write about Coda here or not. I guess the answer would still be ‘not’ as this is not an anonymous blog. Actually I am even somehow promoting myself here, at least that was the original intention, as I was looking for (financial) success and wanted to use this site, this blog for it. And I still kind of do, but indeed, I have become much more careful what this site, this blog is about. It certainly didn’t work as I intended it to, as neither did I achieve personal (financial) success and neither I consider the site, the blog, the project Inspiration for Success as a success, even though the site has some traffic; but not a lot and it is not really growing.

And yes, I am starting to see, to learn what Tradition Eleven and many or all of the other Traditions are all about. In the end it is about HOW and WHY I do things, not WHAT I exactly do. Mixing purposes seems to be a very tricky thing, like helping people towards success and at the same time looking for personal (financial) gain. And my ‘no advertisement’ policy has also been very tricky related to the ‘real world’ and the real thinking of people. It is kind of grounded in false pride, in not being honest about my purpose, and of course people feel, people know that in the end.

So then, what is this site, this blog, or even this post all about? Mmm, I am not fully sure right now. Maybe ponder about that a bit more here.

I guess my original purpose was just to create a blog to make money, to earn money like many or most other blogs on the internet do. And that meant to just create content and get traffic to the site, make you come to the site. A bit hard to admit that to myself, but I guess behind all my nice ideas about helping others (toward success) the only real purpose was just to get rich myself. And of course I want others also to be successful and of course I would want to help others to be successful, but yes, the original purpose was just SEO and make money from whatever way God would give me when the site would have traffic. Ah, yes, I wanted the site to be famous and be famous through it and earn by being famous. Or impose my ideas to the world by being famous. Nothing wrong with that in the end I guess, but then I guess it would be more honest to state it like that. And maybe I did, but looking back probably not in the right way, certainly not always in the right way.

So where to go from here? I actually have no clue, except that I feel tempted to mention all my business attempts that failed and maybe be honest that I just want them to move, earn from it. And I also need it, I need business, as right now I am kind of at the end of my cash (didn’t I write that more often here?), even though I still have quite some assets. But I can’t get any cash out of my assets, at least not on short term I believe in a reasonable way.

Well, so this page seems to become about promotion, about finding people to buy my services or people to help my (business) ideas come true, so let’s just start with a list of my (failed) ventures over time:

  • Active Discovery Designs was the business I started when moving to The Philippines. I started it together with my partner and it is still kind of operational, but I am not sure how to revive it. It’s biggest asset is the Active Discovery Application Framework, a web programming framework to develop advanced web applications in a very lean and effective way. Next to the technical stuff I ventured into internet marketing with the Monthly Internet Marketing Service.
  • The Malasag House is the house I moved to together with my partner. My dream was to make it into a (high end) Bed & Breakfast where people could enjoy the view and the place like I once enjoyed a similar venue in South Africa on a holiday. That is still one of my dreams, to make the house come alive in a way I remember or intended related to my South Africa trip, or just my stay here with friends and other people visiting. Somehow it never happened and I am not fully sure why as it is a beautiful place and I think the idea is somehow valid. Maybe this post will help, although the place is pretty much deteriorated, so I feel a little embarrassed inviting (paying) guests here, even though the view is impressive and beautiful as ever.
  • As Active Discovery Designs was not doing that well I ventured in several projects which, again, all failed and cost me a lot of money. One of them was WinkedAt, a kind of anonymous social networking site, where people could connect in a private way. To me a very good idea, but somehow the initiator backed out, leaving me with a big financial loss. Not sure if that could be revived, but the idea might still work, even next to Facebook.
  • Before WinkedAt I ventured in a project consisting of a special way of looking at the sales funnel. Remainder of the project is still available as MIS Improved. Could still work and be made into a business I think, but I don’t have the means and I am not as much of a business man as I thought I was.
  • Then in 2012 I had several ideas, one of them providing The Philippines with good repair services like carpentering or plumbing services, as it is very hard to get a good carpenter or plumber here in The Philippines, no matter how many people claim to be a plumber or a carpenter. Of course that project went nowhere, as I didn’t have the right connections or the power to invest or anything.
  • My biggest project/idea I think is still DoctorsConnect. I still hope I can somehow get people interested in making this dream reality, and yes, also earn a lot of money from it. I think the market is about ready for something like that, no matter the many issues that need to be dealt with related to privacy and such. But yes, it would help the world, help everybody in the world with medical issues, and who doesn’t have medical issues at least once in their life.
  • Finally end of last year I ventured into Multi Level Marketing with SFI. At least this was something I could do alone, and use my major talent of being persistent. No real earnings yet and I prefer selling to TripleClicks clients above earning from my down line buying stuff. But yes, I believe continuing working the system will give me some, or even a substantial income, whether from ‘TripleClicks clients only’ or just from my down line.

So back to Tradition Eleven, ‘attraction rather than promotion’. Or back to honesty?

And right now I am not fully sure why I wrote this page. And if the page is about ‘promoting’ my projects or ventures, or attracting the right people to help me make them become reality. Or just finding clients or finding down line affiliates for SFI.

I guess it is up to you, reading the information on this page, if I have anything to offer that would benefit you. As I have learned I am powerless over others. I can only tell my own truth, and I guess right now that is that i am kind of desperate getting some business going and that on the other hand I think most or all of my (business) ventures and/or ideas are valid and honest ideas.

I just can’t do most things alone, except the web development and internet marketing and of course the SFI stuff. But even for the web development and internet marketing in the end I need people to make Active Discovery Designs into a real working business again.

Thanks for letting me share and reading this article.

P.S. Strange, the enormous amount of tags applying to this article. It feels I just wrote my whole life, all my desires and dreams here.

P.P.S. And progress, not perfection, even though I feel tempted to make it better, make it complete, make it perfect. But I guess this is it for now, for today.

My affirmations revised

A while ago I started writing down a list of affirmations, based on a suggestion of Louise Hay. And I made some revisions that I wanted to share here. This is my current list:

Affirmations of Guus Ellenkamp:

  1. I am a unique and precious creation with my own desires. I have the right for them to become true.
  2. I am willing to start to believe that money can and will flow to me in many different ways and that it will come in the right quantities and at the right time.
  3. Every hour of Coda Step work is bringing me more happiness and prosperity.
  4. Every day my world opens up more, which is confirmed by seeing more of the world through the view of The Malasag House.
  5. I deserve more prosperity in my life.
  6. I deserve more happiness in my life.
  7. I deserve more joy in my life.
  8. <private>.
  9. I deserve a loving https://www.inspiration-for-success.com/higher-power/.
  10. I deserve the ability to be able to memorize more.
  11. I am working around 40 hours per week in service of other people in a relaxed way, with services that suit me as a person and that make me happy to give and that make other people happy to receive.
  12. I am using the remaining time for things that give me fun and joy.
  13. I am willing to let go of superstition.
  14. I am willing to let go of the part of me that drives people away from me.
  15. There are many forces in the Universe willing to help me and helping me.

And I wanted to share that if I want to change something I don’t believe yet, can’t say yet, I just start with a very careful statement, like what I did with the second affirmation: “I am willing to start to believe…”, where I even went beyond the “I am willing” as that was still a too strong statement for me.

What I notice with these type of things, especially with my Desire Document, that after a while I can make the statement stronger, so maybe I could already change the “I am willing to start to believe…” into “I am willing to believe…” or “I am starting to believe…” for my second item. Actually this happens automatically for me, that after a while I am just starting to believe one notch, one step more of the statement.

And I noticed I didn’t like to put an item in the number thirteen position, which made me realize that somehow I am superstitious, which according to Napoleon Hill is a negative emotion. So I just made an affirmation of it related to superstition.

Just wanted to share this, if you don’t know how to start with doing affirmations or how to phrase them. What did not work for me was copying them from e.g. the affirmations Louise Hay stated in one of her tapes, but feel free to copy my list or part of my list and start from there.

I just started small, with some things I wanted to become true and could believe, could say aloud without feeling uncomfortable.

And my latest revision is just on the page My Affirmations again, so this page does not make much sense anymore, as the original is just gone.

Crashed

So the last few weeks I fully crashed, I hardly didn’t do anything anymore, despite all the nice stuff I know from Napoleon Hill and all those other ‘self help’ people and guides. And that includes sending the daily inspirational quote and writing here. And doing work. And many other things. So it seems there are limitations to what I can do, what a human being can do. And no willpower often can get me out of bed, as I am pretty sure I am suffering from depression. What kind of gets me out of it, got me out of it, was this article: get out of depression, or at least some of the suggestions, like moving a bit, walking a bit. And the main sentence that helped and helps me is “you can’t just will yourself to ‘snap out of it’, but you do have some control”. And that is fully contrary to the statement of Napoleon Hill to use willpower getting things done.

So what was the reason for crashing? Well, I guess the feeling that nothing is coming back, that nothing seems to work, no matter what I do. Like I have written a lot of stuff here in this site and it seems there is nothing coming back, no serious comments or even an e-mail every now and then, whether positive or negative. And I have been sending daily quotes for more than two years, now, every day, except Sunday. And I only got maybe five or ten e-mails from people who liked a certain quote.

And I read everywhere that success starts with giving, but it seems there are limits to that, as in the end you can’t just keep on giving without getting anything in return.

And I know that persistence in the end works, will work, but right now, and for quite a while already, I had the feeling there is not enough coming back.

And I know it is the same with other bloggers, and probably the same with many things, like writing a book, where you first have to fully finish the book and get it published before anything ‘comes back’.

Ah, end yes, I know one of my main issues is something like ‘choosing the wrong mate’. And not having a proper social structure to work from, not having enough friends or not having the right friends.

And I am working on all of that and slowly, very slowly things seem to start moving again, like just now I decided to write something here.

That is maybe the hardest part, knowing what ‘can be’ and not fully knowing how to get there, losing hope, losing everything on the way and kind of stopping, giving up.

But I guess I didn’t give up, as I am writing here again. And I decided to do a little work today. And lately I got some more friends, a better support structure.

Waiting

Today I waited a lot, for all kinds of things. Or actually I didn’t even wait so long in most cases, but it kind of felt like waiting, as waiting is quite common in The Philippines.

But it made me think as mostly I am the person who is waiting for other people, because I want or need something from them. And that often just feels unfair, as it seems there are people who other people wait for, like the person I waited quite a long time for tonight (and the situation that made me decide to write this article).

And as somehow I am not the person who people follow, the person who inspires other people, I was pondering what is really going on here, like why this person I decided to wait for doesn’t seem to have to wait for other people, or not as many times as I.

On the other side there is something like going the extra mile, as if I want something I may have to wait for someone, where other people might decide to leave (and not get what they want).

Still, I am wondering a lot how I would induce people to follow me, e.g. to help me make the DoctorsConnect project come true. As I felt left alone by most of the current team tonight. And as the leader according to Napoleon Hill that would be my mistake.