Tag Archives: Feeling

Courage

I wanted to write about a bad movie I watched tonight. About how much courage, and yes, i guess persistence it takes to have such a movie, any movie made.

But just now, just before writing this post I got a very negative “I don’t want to receive any messages anymore” from a family member. And it hurt a lot, it still hurts right now. Because yes, I just added e-mail addresses to the mailing list for my daily quote. Just to ‘get started’. And of course I know that’s not done. Of course I know that’s kind of spamming. But I thought I had to start somewhere. As I know a site like this, a project like this takes time to attract visitors, takes time for the right people to find it, takes time for people signing up for the daily quote and other things we have in mind. And I just tried to speed up the process a bit. Anyhow, it doesn’t matter what are or were my reasons to add people to the mailing list.

But what hurt me today was that the message sounded so negative. With three exclamation marks at the end. And the person sending it must know the messages come from me, from my project, as the message was in Dutch, while the site and the quotes are in English. So what hurt me was that this person has received my daily quotes for months now. And didn’t complain or asked to be unsubscribed, where at the end of the message there is a line that just indicates to reply if you don’t want the messages anymore. And if I, if we receive such a message, and we received quite some, we immediately mark the e-mail address as ‘unsubscribed’.

So yes, they often say that what a person says to you says more about the person than about you. So this person, this family member has possibly been irritated with my messages, with my behavior, with my situation for a long time or something. Or he or she has or had some issues himself or herself. Or the quote of today hit something or something like that.

But it still hurt, getting a message with such a negative tone after having sent, having received so many daily quotes and some newsletters. Especially from a family member, where I fully felt abandoned by that side of the family last year, when I didn’t know what to do or where to go anymore and considered killing myself.

So yes, I have already been deciding to leave the family behind, to let go. To let go of my mam who I tried to call every week, but who, for the last half year or year or so never called me, even after I told her a few weeks ago that I miss her calling me (not sure if someone told her about this post, but amazingly she called the day after I wrote this post). Especially as she always says her children are the most important, well, ‘things’ in her life. But it doesn’t show. And let go of my sister, who asked me to not contact her anymore, not send SMS, not call, not send e-mail, nothing. Just because I made a mistake, where the mistake was a similar one to i guess the one she made quite some time ago.

So what about the movie I saw tonight, the bad movie. And it was the move Dragon Wolf. And why was it bad? Well, it appeared to be some kind of fighting movie and I don’t like fighting movies. But my partner does, so he bought it, brought it tonight. So i decided to join watching it to create some quality time together, just sit together on the couch and watch a movie, as both of us had been doing our own things during the day and had hardly seen each other.

And just after it started it appeared to be even worse than I expected, as the actors didn’t say their lines in a natural way and the whole thing just appeared to have been written and played very ‘cheap’.

Anyhow, as I still intended to have some quality time with my partner, at least be together after having been separate for most of the day, I decided to continue watching it, even after my partner already indicated that he (also) didn’t like the movie and even considered watching something else.

But while watching this bad movie, bad script, bad acting, cheap production, etc., etc. I started to realize that any movie, even this ‘bad’ movie, has been made using the Principles of Success as described by Napoleon Hill. And that any movie, including this movie, can be considered a success just because it has been made and published. You see, I realized that also this movie started with a thought, a thought from someone who wanted to make this movie. And somehow he or she managed to create a team to make this movie, write the script, organize the making of it, creating all the stuff that is needed to make a movie, hired the actors, found a budget to produce it, etc., etc. So with knowing what i know now there must have been quite some patience, persistence, heart breaks, defeat, etc., etc. involved in the making of this movie. And it was made and produced and published.

So yes, slowly I started to realize that no matter how ‘bad’ I considered this movie to be, at least the making of it, the publishing of it could be considered as a major success. And while writing this it may even be more difficult to make a bad movie with unknown actors and inexperienced directors and production staff than it is to make a nice Hollywood type movie on a large budget with all the people and resources that would be available for such a thing.

Back to the Future I And i also realized, not only today, but for quite some time already, that e.g. the first movies of Steven Spielberg were not that good, at least not to current standards. As I happen to like the Back to the Future trilogy and looking at them now those actors are not that good. Or the whole thing was also made on a budget that was just not enough or something. Or some key people, maybe even Steven Spielberg himself, were not that experienced yet.

So yes, while watching this movie I at least admired the courage and everything else this person, or Master Mind group, had been able to achieve.

And the story I guess was not that bad after all, even though I still don’t fully understand it.

So yes, let’s applaud for all those people having the courage to do something, make something happen, even though the result is not that perfect. At least they tried and made it. And you and I sometimes don’t.

Crime pays

Leave a reply

The last few days I had quite some mood swings. I had quite some high a few days ago playing music like I used to do and going back to the time when I was a student. But today and yesterday were kind of lows.And while writing this post I am very much in doubt whether to write the things that are in my mind or not, as indeed, I am starting to believe that thoughts, words, especially when spoken, are very powerful.

But somewhere in my mind is also that I promised to myself and to you that I would achieve my success fully in the open, that I wouldn’t hold back, also the downs. And there is one thing I still don’t talk or write about as that’s too private, even though I think it’s my biggest turn off, so yes, I’m still keeping something to myself. But it’s just too private and as of the moment sharing it I think would do too much damage, so I won’t or at least I”ll wait until I feel it’s the right time.

I started this post with crime pays where I’m starting to realize that the real saying is crime doesn’t pay, but I’m starting to doubt which one is true, especially feeling myself at the deepest of the deep related to finance, financial success. As it seems there is something like balance, something like what others do to you, you are probably doing to others sooner or later. And until now I held back very much and I try not to do the bad stuff that I feel others did to me, but it’s getting harder and harder. And the reason is that some of the things that happened to me especially the last few years, especially business wise, just feel wrong. I feel that people did me wrong and that, no matter the mistakes I made myself that lead to where I stand right now, it’s too much, that I have sunk too low. It just feels wrong, it just feels unfair, too unfair.

You see, I’m kind of good person. Too good actually, accepting too much from everybody, too honest and things like that. However, I have one big flaw: my biggest flaw, mistake is that i gave in, still give in, too much to my partner. And that’s my part in the story, that’s my mistake. So that’s wrong, no matter my reasons, my excuses. And in a lighter form I also have that to other people, trying to please too much, As yes, I just want people to like me. Which they probably and obviously don’t, but that’s another story.

Anyhow, going back to the crime stuff, me being a ‘good’ person or at least considering myself a good person, I have the feeling that too many people have taken advantage of me and are taking advantage of me. And I don’t want to pay back or something in a similar way, but this causes an enormous unbalance. As e.g. financially for quite some time I have not been able to pay some things I feel like I owe people. And that’s a big thing to me. So I’m doing to other people what people have been doing to me: not paying dues. Except for me it’s mainly that I can’t, that I can’t find ways to earn or receive or get money to pay my dues. And somehow it must go back to economy, the time we’re living in right now. As I have the feeling many more people are in a similar situation and that indeed, in general money is still not flowing as it could, as it should.

But again, this creates an enormous inner conflict with me as most of the ‘self help’ stuff I’ve been reading states that you have things in your own hand. That thoughts and attitude and working hard and planning and all that kind of stuff is fully under my, your control. And in a way I indeed do believe that. But somehow something doesn’t add up. As I’m still a human being with his flaws and weaknesses and stuff. And things like economy and state of mind of the world or state of the Universe, even if you consider everything as one or something, still seem to count.

So this feeling of imbalance creates an enormous inner conflict that cries, shouts to be solved. As somehow I have the feeling there is not enough coming to me, not enough coming back. Because I try to give, but somehow it’s not enough or not in the right way. And I try to be good and not paying back bad behaviour or bad things in ways I consider bad. And I try to be happy and grateful as it’s written and stated everywhere. But inside of me something shouts wrong or not enough or ???.

So yes, having the feeling of having nothing left, which I know is subjective as I can still eat and still live in this big house, is continuously asking for attention and kind of eating me and often paralyzing me.

And I still don’t know what to do.

Anyone recognizes this? Or want to give any kind of comment? That would be greatly appreciated and maybe we find a solution, better solutions together. As I’m quite sure I’m not alone.

Flow again

Leave a reply

Very weird what is happening lately and especially today. Somehow things are starting to flow again, not that empty feeling of ‘nothing is coming back’, not that feeling that I’m only giving, that only things are going out, energy is going out, but more the opposite, that things are coming in, that energy is coming in.

And the weird thing is that i didn’t ‘do’ anything. It just somehow happened and it is kind of following some more positive stuff that started a few days, or maybe weeks ago. So if this is supposed to be an inspiring post I’m not sure what to tell you you should ‘do’, how you would be able to change your energy when you’re in some kind of downturn.

Or maybe just indeed tell you that those things don’t last forever and that you don’t have as much control as you think you have or think you should have. So that sometimes, or maybe just always, it’s better to let things be, let thing go as they are going.

And somehow I’m not saying like you shouldn’t do anything when you’re in a down mood or in a down period, even though that’s how it sounds like that (and also feels a bit to me now and before).

So very confusing and maybe it’s indeed some kind of shift in energy in the world as I read about a few days ago (and wrote about).

So today kind of started (or ended) with music. And while before I had the feeling only energy went out, and before meaning a long, very long time where I felt I had no control and just remembered something like ‘sowing seeds’ so I could reap later on, which I did, today I felt like I was receiving a lot, just receiving something like ‘energy’.

And while listening to music, somehow starting with playlists I already have and ending playing stuff from artists with ‘T’, I just started crying, thanking The Universe for sending me this music, that special thing that has been created by so many people and, indeed, performed, vocalized by musicians, artists.

And I felt how everything connects together, these old songs, written and sang a long, long time ago and now being played from just my server network. And I was thinking about all the artists who sang these songs, and probably only once for the recording. And about all the people involved in converting this song into a record or CD (or tape). And about the music industry that connected the writers and the singers and the musicians and technicians, etc., etc. And about copyright and how right now all these things are just available to me. Something like 25,000++ songs that I just keep on my hard drive and can just play whenever I want. And for most, like 99.9% or more I didn’t even pay the artists or the people involved in creating and distributing the songs. So I felt this enormous energy, this enormous power of human music history coming to me, being with me, right at that moment, an hour ago or so. And I felt the energy of the artists singing and playing at concerts, something I never attended, but I can imagine with what power musicians ‘do’ their performance.

So yes, that’s what Napoleon Hill talks about when talking about ‘giving’ and indeed, also getting the benefits in the form of the ‘big money’, even though I’m starting to realize that even for most famous artists that’s only temporary.

And yes, I felt like wanting to ‘give back’ let this energy I felt from this music coming to me and all the things around it, all those people, all those years, all that history coming towards me with enormous power. So how quick can your system fill up when you feel empty by just playing music (or using anything else) and realizing how much ‘organized effort’ is behind it. So yes, it also made me feel humble, like one human being can do so little.

So how can i give back, that’s what came to my mind. And I’m not fully sure, as I’m just a simple web developer, not a musician or something. But I guess also the musician can do so much and only for a limited amount of time (in my mind is now Céline Dion who I saw in a movie, backstage). But yes, they gave and give more than I do now, did recently, or maybe all my life. So maybe they deserve more, I’m not sure.

But yes, it’s also a flow, like if the flow is not there, as it hasn’t been there for me for a long time, you can’t do anything. And yes, if the flow is there, like I felt this evening, you can do anything, give anything, even those great performances, in whatever occupation you are.

Being grateful

Leave a reply

Recently I often use public transportation. Not really because I like it, but because our motor cycle is not always reliable and we don’t have anything else. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind so much how to move around as there is a lot of traffic in the city so whatever transportation you use doesn’t make that much difference in how much time it takes to get somewhere. But from my basic idea about my standard of living I should use a car or at least use a taxi. And not Jeepney and habal habal as is the common form of public transport in the city where I live.

Today’s trip was a bit special though, as I was visiting a friend who lives on the other side of the city, quite far from the city center and I had never used a Jeepney to get there before. But somehow that was also a challenge and kind of fun as it reminded me of doing new things and doing things on holidays, like exploring new routes. Which basically doesn’t make any sense, I mean being excited about it, as I know how the system works and Jeepneys and buses go everywhere, so objectively it’s not a big deal, not really an issue. It’s like taking a metro ride or a train ride or a bus ride to another station in your own city in more western oriented countries or big other cities.

But still, I am a foreigner and still feel a bit of a foreigner living in a holiday type country, so somehow these things are still exciting and are somehow still related to exotic holidays. And that’s what I often forget. That no matter my current circumstances I still live in a house that 99.9% of all people in the world can only dream of. A house with a view that is so special for anyone ‘foreign’ to Asia or anyone liking beautiful views over a bay or something. So yes, a real ‘holiday’ view for anyone foreign to Asian countries, foreign to tropical countries that not so many people will ever experience, especially from Europe, the United States, Canada or similar regions.

So yes, I have that every day, that beautiful view from that beautiful dream house.

And so today, lately, I also try to experience that holiday type feeling when I just ‘commute’, just take a Jeepney to the city. And it kind of works, as I indeed realize that most people only can experience this ‘thing’ in holidays, while I have it every day.

But today there was more. As indicated, it was quite a trip and I didn’t know exactly what Jeepney to take and what route would be the easiest or fastest way back. So on the way back I just hopped on the first one that went towards the city, in the direction I wanted to go. And I ended up in Carmen being pointed to a Jeepney towards Cogon, an area in the direction back home. As I had stayed a bit longer with my friend than I intended it was quite late and I was quite tired, also from the travel towards Cogon. Anyhow, in the end I just ended up in a Jeepney on the very well known route back home.

And suddenly it hit me, while I was watching the other passengers, probably on the way home after a long and hard day’s work. Suddenly it hit me how privileged I have been in my life, how excited my life has been. As most of these people, and not only these people, but most people in the world, would normally just live an ordinary life, stay in the same city or country going to school, finding a job, having a relationship and marry, or not; having children, or not. Be happy or unhappy. Have a good life or not. But mostly have just an ordinary life, nothing extraordinary.

And looking back at my life it has been an exciting life. More exciting than most people can ever imagine, more exciting and varied than virtually anybody could even imagine, even dream of. And it was suddenly on this fifteen minute Jeepney ride home that I realized how rich a life I have lived. And I am still alive and so much more can come.

I realized that I grew up in a pretty well off family. Not really rich, but something like upper middle class. So yes, that was a pretty good life, including visits to family and friends, also far away. To cities all over the country where I lived. And later holidays to various other countries. So yes, even at a pretty young age I think I have seen much more of the world than most people would ever see.

And yes, there were the fights between my parents. And it was not fun. But somehow it seems to have made me who I am. And made me see what I don’t want.

And there was the loneliness, the ‘being different’, the being gay. And it was terrible when I was in it, so terrible that there was a period where I didn’t want to live anymore, couldn’t live anymore. And somehow that period always stayed with me. And I didn’t like it. But today, somewhere on this Jeepney ride home, I saw that the downs in life are pretty much the same as the ups. That it’s about living life, experiencing life.

But next to the loneliness I mostly think of, I mostly remember, there were also the good things, the bicycle holidays to France, how many people do that. And later having my own big bike in my early twenties. And I enjoyed it, loved it, this feeling of freedom and power you have on a big bike. Still, the best feeling I can ever imagine. So yes, how many people have had that, a big bike in their early twenties.

And yes, I can go on and on and on right now, with all the good things I experienced. The holidays I spent all over the world, visiting all continents before I was forty. The trip to Japan when I was a student. My moving to Asia, living in a different country, living in a different culture, experiencing a different culture.

And yes, recently I encountered poverty, real poverty, although somehow it’s not really real as I still somehow have access to money, something many people, even many people I know, don’t have. And somehow I still have capital in the form of part ownership in our house. I have pension rights. I will probably still inherit some capital when my mam won’t be there anymore. So yes, I am experiencing the fear of having no income, having no money to eat. But still, somehow from a kind of safe position, not from a position having really nothing. And don’t get me wrong, the fear is real and what I’m experiencing the last few months, weeks is no fun, believe me. But it’s a rich experience, it’s a new experience, and therefor it’s an exciting experience.

And that’s what hit me today in this simple Jeepney ride home in between the commuters. That my life has been really exciting and that the downs are as exciting as the ups. And that there is still more to come. And that I’m able to share this feeling, this experience.

From current reality to what I want

Leave a reply

Well, the basic question is how to get from the current situation, where I am now, to where I want to go. Although while writing this it sounds like it doesn’t make any sense. As there is only ‘now’. And yes, somehow there is something ‘past’ and yes, somehow there is something ‘future’. But I am getting more and more confused about how it all comes together.

And yes, somehow there is no ‘coincidence’, somehow you can indeed define your own life. But somehow also there are ‘circumstances’ you don’t have (direct) control over. And somehow everybody is unique and has his or her own ‘characteristics’.

And again, going back to ‘inspiring’ I’m not fully sure how to continue this. Although somehow this site, this project is also something like my life story. Things to do or not to do. But that’s where it gets more tricky the more I read and think and write.

So we have something like ‘there is only now’. And we have something like ‘everything is energy’. And we have something like ‘we are all part of the same consciousness’. And there is something like ‘there is not time’, there is more something like a space-time continuum.

And we have something like ‘feelings’ and ’emotions’ and ‘physical reality’ and ‘choice’.

And related to all of this I like most the ideas of Abraham Hicks, who says something that everything in the Universe is looking for something like ‘a best place to be’, ‘this feels better than that’.

But again, the more I am thinking about these things I can’t make any direct relation to my life and how to go to a ‘better place’. Although the answer according the philosophy of Abraham Hicks is something like ‘just feel good and reality will follow’. But that has been a problem for me, especially the last few days, weeks. As I just felt lousy and I didn’t find a way to change that (yet), although while writing this I feel a little bit better. And that has been a bit like that all my life and is also kind of the cause of why I feel, or felt, like I felt.

And the story of my life seems to be that ‘everybody’ has been telling me that ‘I have to change’, or the last message ‘you won’t get anywhere until you change your ways’. So I tried to ‘change’, all my life. Often something like ‘doing what other people want’, especially my partner and my boss.

So when reading Think and Grow Rich that is exactly what you should NOT do, following advice from or listening to others. And in many other places, especially from people who appear ‘happy’ or ‘successful’ I read to NOT do things to please others. To be ‘myself’.

And there again I get lost, because being ‘myself’ seems to cause a lot of problems with others. As that means something like ‘I want this and someone else wants something else’. Although Abraham Hicks gives a solution for that, something like ‘allowing’, allowing yourself and allowing others.

And I think I made progress with the ‘allowing’ I think, although I’m still not fully sure how it works.

The main thing that keeps haunting me though is that other people seem to be much more successful and happy than I am. But of course there is no way to check if that is really true. And that’s the problem, but I guess also the main reason for this site, this blog. And the reason for this post.