Tag Archives: Reality

Setback

I knew it might not be easy begin back home after my fantastic trip all over The Philippines, but I was not prepared for the setback I am experiencing now. And I am trying to get back to the state of mind I was in during my trip and that made me so happy and fulfilled, but until now I did not succeed in that really. On the contrary, it seems I feel worse and worse every day.

And I don’t want to write a negative post here, but somehow this morning, right now, I felt like writing here, sharing my thoughts, writing, hoping that would give me some solution or some peace of mind. Or what I actually wanted was going back to that state of mind I was during my travel, like what is and was the difference between now and then.

My location right now.
My location right now

As I did’t change and the Universe did not change, the world did not change, so what changed or what is different that puts me down so much?

And no, it is not all negative, as I am very happy to have a place to feel safe, the bedroom below, a similar place as the places I had during my travel. The house and everything around feels too big though, too much to handle. And yes, the money issues I have to(?!) deal with are not gone. The money issue was one of the things I put aside during my travel, as it made no sense to bring that with me.

So is that the answer? Put aside the things I cannot change right now, like my financial situation, which is still bad in terms of income? Yes, maybe, maybe that is something to explore further. And yes, I have been praying the Serenity Prayer a lot, but it doesn’t always seem to help, doesn’t always ease my mind. Or doing Step 3, letting go, leaving everything to God and The Universe.

And yes, miracles still happen, as when I started to listen after praying this morning, lying in my bed and knowing nothing else to do but pray, suddenly my phone started to make noises about new messages and someone called and asked if I would want to see her in the city. And yesterday I saw someone next to a black Pajero, my dream car, the car that is related to my wants and desires, and I started chatting with him and had a very nice conversation. It is just there are so many things to do, so many things I want to do, so many things that need to be done. And I don’t know how to do that, where to start, or how to even plan it. It is all just so overwhelming.

And I know I did all those things before, did many more things than I do now, did a million things more than I do now. And I just don’t know how to do that anymore. And yes, I know this has something to do with my codependent “do, do, do”, the urge to keep moving, to keep doing, to keep trying to change things, to keep trying to make things perfect. And yes, the writing now helps, as I know everything is already perfect. And I can’t do it all alone, it is not my job to do ‘everything’. I can just relax and do one thing at the time, no more, no less, like writing right now. And yes, still the urge to put links and make new pages. And add a photo, the photo I just made of my current workplace, so this page would be ranked higher by Google, as Google likes photos on pages. And yes, that last sentence triggers another urge, changing the theme of this site, as I noticed it does not show properly on my cellphone, on devices with a small screen width, as probably the social media button area is too wide, not made ‘adaptive’ yet. Ah, yes, and I need to change some other stuff around pictures, around photos, as sometimes photos are too wide for small screens and go outside of the content area.

And strange, as as a web developer I used to like those things. But it seems everything has already been done, everything is being done, and the world has become so efficient that it seems I, and probably you, are not needed anymore, unless is some kind of super efficient organization.

And I still like to do those things, but in the background the thought of needing to earn, needing to be more efficient, needing to find clients, clients who seem to expect everything to be cheap and perfect. But a good website, a good adaptive design, is still very expensive, time consuming, unless you use a standard (WordPress) theme. And I like making specific things, making perfect things, making custom made things, like an artist. As yes, programming and web development is an art, not just a job.

Arf right now.
Arf right now

So what to do next, or now? I need (want?) to feed the dogs and I want to finish this post (but I don’t feel like finishing it now). And I need (want?) to go to the city to make a payment. And yes, the answer is “do the next right thing”, but right now I don’t know what the next right thing is. Or maybe the next right thing is just relaxing, stopping, let the world just be the world, not trying so hard. Maybe just take a shower or do nothing or walk Arf, walk with Arf. Another obligation by the way, as I feel guilty not walking Arf enough, not training Arf enough, as he is still on a leash, something I don’t like. But I also don’t want YokYok and Arf to fight, so for now I don’t think there is much option letting him free so he can roam around by himself.

YokYok right now.

And while writing I did a lot of things, like making the photos, uploading the photos, which was not easy, as my android did not upload the photos to Dropbox yet; and did not send the e-mails with the photos I created. I also made coffee and chatted with some people. And I fed the dogs, and moved Arf, as it just started raining. And the last is maybe an answer to what to do or not to do next, as going down with this rain does not make much sense right now.

And this post feels a bit like finished now, but I still don’t know what to do next, how the rest of my day looks like. Yes, the “one day at the time” (or even “one minute at the time” or “one second or breath at the time”) is in my mind. It still doesn’t give me peace right now though. But then, I don’t have to like everything I accept, like my current feelings, so I can try to accept. So maybe the next right thing is just to wait a little, just do nothing, just typing a little here, even though I also want, need to eat and want, need to take a shower.

Mindset

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My post from yesterday about my domain issue got a completely different turn this morning, or maybe this afternoon, as I was too scared to start my computer and open my e-mail the beginning of the day. And it confirmed that we are often ruled by our fear and not by reality. As I just found an apologetic e-mail in my mailbox that there were problems with this type of domain and that they were working on it and would solve it. And that apparently the support person I was chatting with yesterday didn’t know about this issue. So if I would just authorize the regular payment they would renew the domain with which the problem would be solved.

So I was actually very grateful for this event, as it explained a lot about my behavior and my fears and such about these type of events. And it taught me about responsibility, power, fear, guilt and more of these things. And the cost was zero, except of course my own emotional cost as I had not been as stressful as yesterday evening and this morning for a long time.

And I don’t feel like writing a lot right now, as it is pretty late and I also don’t have so much to tell, even though I learned a lot from this and would like to share more about what I learned.

So maybe think what was the main lesson. I think maybe something that we often live too much in the past, that I somehow relived and keep reliving some past event or events that turned out bad for me. And being human you tend to look for confirmation as far as I know. So I was just looking for confirmation for something bad to happen, for some bad turn. And not for reality, which was just a simple mistake that could easily be solved and probably is solved or about to be solved.

Have a nice day!

Napoleon

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I know what I am planning to write may be a bit strange and may not fit the purpose of the site, but as you may know I have been experimenting the last few days, the last week, with a ‘virtual private cabinet’ as Napoleon Hill said he created, had, for a long time. And me being me I have kind of been forcing the members of my cabinet to have their own personality as Napoleon Hill states the members of his cabinet had. And of course that didn’t really work, as forcing things mostly or never work. But tonight I had a very strange experience, as somehow indeed the members of my virtual private cabinet started to do ‘their own thing’.

Napoleon Bonaparte And one of the strangest thing was that Napoleon (Bonaparte) took the place of Gandhi. And his reason was that Gandhi was too weak a person for me, that I needed a more strong person. And Gandhi just left, I don’t know where he went and if he would be back.

And some more strange things happened. As some people were late, like Donald Trump and Napoleon Hill. Or actually everybody was late. And it all started with the remark that I was just waiting, somehow indicating that I didn’t really wanted a meeting, needed a meeting. So it was a bit chaotic, where Richard Branson as usual was very friendly and supporting.

Ah, and what probably started all this was that yesterday I started reading Napoleon‘s biography on Wikipedia. And I was amazed about what I found there, as it seems he was defeated and failed many times. And my feeling and I guess the feeling of most people is that he was very successful. But apparently he was not.

And right now I am a bit amazed with how he looks like, about the photo’s(?!) I am finding from him. As he looks completely different from the image I have of him and how he appears in the meetings, in my imagination.

So strange, to see those people, those imaginations of mine, come alive. And I still don’t know what to think of it, if it indeed is my own imagination playing tricks with me, or if there is indeed some kind of reality, some kind of connection to the real original person.

More to follow I guess. And very interesting to me, and for some of you maybe worth a try. And no, it’s not scary, at least not to me. I’m just looking for help and they are helping me. And that’s a big thing to me, as it’s not easy for me to find people, friends in real life helping me.

Crime thoughts

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We had quite an exciting night last night as the house of the friend where we stayed to be able to attend the funeral of the mother of another friend was robbed. And it was a very strange robbery where nothing seems to add up. As somehow there was too much coincidence like a large amount of money hidden in the quarters of the friend where we stayed. And another relatively large amount hidden in another place. And not too many places searched or disturbed so much except especially the room where the money was. As also some of our stuff was searched, but not really that thorough.

And of course now, my friend in panic, emotionally disturbed has all kinds of thoughts how this could have happened and who could have done it, of course including the four of us, who stayed at her house at the time.

So with my newly learned knowledge of looking at the positive side of things the first thing I tried was to calm my friend down, which of course didn’t work, as she was just robbed and was very upset. And as the hours passed I tried to search for something positive in this, for her or for any other person. And I couldn’t really find anything as there was quite a lot of money gone, some expensive and valuable equipment and worst of all of course a feeling of betrayal as it seemed the robbery had been done by someone who knew either our friend or the apartment.

What I did see over the day was that the negative thoughts of some of the people involved in this whole thing somehow seemed to make things worse, especially for themselves. And basically I was not really involved as nothing I did or didn’t do would have made any difference, so of course for me it was relatively easy to not involve myself in the whole negative thing I saw develop, although at a certain point I also got kind of angry at all those people blaming themselves and others for what had gone wrong, where to me in the end this was nothing more than some kind of burglary with or without inside knowledge, nothing more, nothing less.

And yes, interesting to somehow be more a spectator than someone participating in all the emotions and stuff going. And the most interesting thing for me was that basically everything was based on perceptions and hardly anything on ‘reality’ as until now nobody, of course except the people involved in the robbery itself, knows what had exactly happened and why and how. And despite me as indicated not being really involved, although of course I am a suspect as I was staying in the house when my friend was not there, I think with my recently learned skills of being more, well, disciplined, and more observant, more analysing what was going on and what I could learn from it, I think I did pretty well in handling this situation, where I saw almost everybody else somehow being drawn into this drama, a drama that was just created around perceptions around the actual event.

So I saw a lot of negative thoughts and feelings mainly backfiring to the people having them. Where to me in the end this was just a simple burglary where someone must have entered the house, took some stuff and then left the house. Nothing more, nothing less. But what was the worst around these feelings based on perceptions of the persons themselves or based on the perceptions of others were doing an awful lot of damage to some relationships, either developing or already existing for a long time.

So maybe the positive of all of this, at least for me, is to learn how dangerous perceptions are and how damaging actions based on those perceptions can be. And yes, I know I was not the person having been robbed and also not the person who might have made a mistake, so it is relatively easy for me to stay calm. But somehow I know that with my current knowledge and discipline and such I think I would have reacted much calmer and dealt with it much easier than the person involved.

So what stays in my thoughts related to the Principles of Success is to do things based on facts and not based on presumptions. So whatever happens, first analyse and figure out what is really going on, and then act.

From current reality to what I want

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Well, the basic question is how to get from the current situation, where I am now, to where I want to go. Although while writing this it sounds like it doesn’t make any sense. As there is only ‘now’. And yes, somehow there is something ‘past’ and yes, somehow there is something ‘future’. But I am getting more and more confused about how it all comes together.

And yes, somehow there is no ‘coincidence’, somehow you can indeed define your own life. But somehow also there are ‘circumstances’ you don’t have (direct) control over. And somehow everybody is unique and has his or her own ‘characteristics’.

And again, going back to ‘inspiring’ I’m not fully sure how to continue this. Although somehow this site, this project is also something like my life story. Things to do or not to do. But that’s where it gets more tricky the more I read and think and write.

So we have something like ‘there is only now’. And we have something like ‘everything is energy’. And we have something like ‘we are all part of the same consciousness’. And there is something like ‘there is not time’, there is more something like a space-time continuum.

And we have something like ‘feelings’ and ’emotions’ and ‘physical reality’ and ‘choice’.

And related to all of this I like most the ideas of Abraham Hicks, who says something that everything in the Universe is looking for something like ‘a best place to be’, ‘this feels better than that’.

But again, the more I am thinking about these things I can’t make any direct relation to my life and how to go to a ‘better place’. Although the answer according the philosophy of Abraham Hicks is something like ‘just feel good and reality will follow’. But that has been a problem for me, especially the last few days, weeks. As I just felt lousy and I didn’t find a way to change that (yet), although while writing this I feel a little bit better. And that has been a bit like that all my life and is also kind of the cause of why I feel, or felt, like I felt.

And the story of my life seems to be that ‘everybody’ has been telling me that ‘I have to change’, or the last message ‘you won’t get anywhere until you change your ways’. So I tried to ‘change’, all my life. Often something like ‘doing what other people want’, especially my partner and my boss.

So when reading Think and Grow Rich that is exactly what you should NOT do, following advice from or listening to others. And in many other places, especially from people who appear ‘happy’ or ‘successful’ I read to NOT do things to please others. To be ‘myself’.

And there again I get lost, because being ‘myself’ seems to cause a lot of problems with others. As that means something like ‘I want this and someone else wants something else’. Although Abraham Hicks gives a solution for that, something like ‘allowing’, allowing yourself and allowing others.

And I think I made progress with the ‘allowing’ I think, although I’m still not fully sure how it works.

The main thing that keeps haunting me though is that other people seem to be much more successful and happy than I am. But of course there is no way to check if that is really true. And that’s the problem, but I guess also the main reason for this site, this blog. And the reason for this post.