Author Archives: Guus

Sand castle Boracay

NoTonight I was discovering Boracay by just walking up the beach north towards what I thought was the end of the island. Unfortunately I was not able to continue my tour around the island, as somewhere near the northern tip the beach stops, at least during high tide. And I guess I could have continued, but there is a restaurant or something at the end that blocks the way to some kind of path along the shore, but I decided not to pass through the terrace, mainly because it was dark and also pretty quiet where I wanted to go, even though there were people there as I saw some flash lights.

But I don’t want to write about my small expedition on the island, no, I wanted to talk about some amazing thing I encountered during my trip. And the thing I encountered was a sand castle type of Boracay logo that drew my attention. And at first I could not really make something of the thing that caught my eye, as normally only small children build sand castles, even though of course many grown up people also like things like building sand castles, including me.

To be continued…

I feel like writing

Leave a reply

I feel more and more like writing ever since I left The Malasag House, my home, about a week ago. And I wrote some in the notepad of my cellphone, but that was not easy as I only have a small smartphone and my notepad only allows 1,000 characters per note, which was not enough for the blog post I was writing earlier.

And don’t get me wrong, having a small smartphone is my choice, as I mainly wanted to use it as a phone. But now, while traveling, I am learning a smartphone is much more than a phone. Amazing, maybe not to you if you already have one, use one, for a long time. But I am not as they say an early adapter, so it took me a while to see the full potential of smartphones. Or I guess not really the full potential, as I guess there is much more possible than I see or experience now.

Ah, so much I want to write. And I just started to write here straight away, as I realized WordPress has good support for writing offline, a feature I am even using right now as my internet here in Blue Bamboo Hotel in Boracay has a very unstable internet connection. But it works, and I guess this text will just be kept in the browser until I have a connection again. And they just fixed it and internet seems to be pretty fast and stable now.

Also Boracay

So how did I get here? Well, that is what I wanted to write about, about my trip until now, a trip about self discovery. And at first I didn’t know what it was all about, as basically I just ran away from home, escaping my reality there, as I did not like it, but just felt responsible for the dogs and didn’t know where to go, as all my projects seem to have failed, and I know location. Is not the issue, or maybe it is, as being here now, in Boracay, having traveled quite a distance, I feel more at ease, more comfortable, more free.

And still using my smartphone to write. And not as easy as using a computer and keyboard, but it works. Actually amazing how technology evolved. Unimaginable what an enormous amount of technology is incorporated in this small device and everything that keeps it connected to the rest of the world; amazing.

To be continued…

What if

Leave a reply

“What if it was a brand new day, the first day of my life, without any burdens of past history, no debts to be paid, no dogs to take care of”?

The last few days the above question came into my mind. And of course I can’t go back to that type of situation. Or can I?

I feel like I am standing at a crossroad, like staying here, in The Malasag House in The Philippines, or going elsewhere, start anew.

And I guess mainly my codependency makes that a hard question. As there are always the voices of others in my head, like what would “others” do, what would “others” think is the best thing to do?

And I am starting to learn that “others” can’t give me the answer. That I have to make decisions myself, that no one else can make my decisions for me.

And I hate this “I have to”, as that still brings the terrible “have to’s” from my dad, and at the same time from my God.

Do does life have “have to’s”? I am not fully sure (anymore). What if I didn’t have dogs but children? I could still go. There are many people leaving their children behind.

But it is just not me (I think), leaving the dogs behind. As I kind of feel responsible for them. But yes, I guess I could now, as I know they will survive without me, can be okay, can be happy without me. A difficult thing to write, but I know it is true. But maybe the question is if it is true for me.

Same with the house. I could leave it behind. But I invested so much in it, I made it so much “my house”. I suffered a lot by staying here.

Time to stop now, as I gave myself until 11 am to do something for myself. And it is about 11 am. Duty calls? But what duty? My self imposed duties for today? I don’t even feel like doing them, don’t feel like going out. So change my decision? Maybe. Maybe even better. But that is not according to the Principles of Success, changing decisions (fast). But I am not changing it fast, as I have been thinking about it all morning. And it just doesn’t feel good to go out, which is why I reserved until 11 am ‘for myself’.

Absurdity and suicide

Leave a reply

“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy”. This is the beginning of the book “The Myth of Sysiphus” written by Albert Camus.

And I was pointed to it by the start of another book, “The Fabric of the Cosmos” by Brian Greene. I read that book a lot, but I never realized or remembered how it started.

And I don’t feel like writing right now, but I was caught by the phrase “judging whether life is or is not worth living”. As that seems to be the main thing I am struggling with. As life is not worth living to me, at least that is what I have been thinking for a long time, but somehow I am still alive, so apparently life is worth living looking at my actions; or non-action like not having killed myself until now.

Thank You for the pain

Leave a reply

Hi, I am Guus and I am codependent.

I was reading a document called “Boundaries for Codependents“. And I recognized an awful lot of my struggle, of my behavior, or whatever, in it.

And I have been bothered by emotional pain for a long time, and the last months, years, it seemed to get stronger, seemed to get worse. And I did not understand, as I was working so hard in the program of Codependents Anonymous and, after admitting I am depressed, very depressed, even decided to look for professional help, counseling, something I abhorred after kind of having decided quite a while ago to never ever see a psychologist again.

But somehow I must have made the right decision as my counselor sent me this document yesterday, and the document made perfect sense to me.

And while reading I suddenly realized that my body was, and probably is or will, telling me something by increasing the pain level I felt or will probably still feel. As there is definitely something wrong with me, definitely something, or actually a lot, that is wrong in my life that needs to be dealt with.

And while reading the document, that is about something like distorted reactions or feelings or emotions in ‘normal’ situations, it suddenly occurred to me that this pain, this intense, terrible, emotional pain, was just a signal, my body telling me there is something wrong that needs to be dealt with. Nothing more, nothing less.

Listen

So suddenly the pain was not something I just wanted to go away. Suddenly it became a warning signal, an alarm that tried to get my attention by getting slowly stronger and stronger, until I got the message.

As the message seems to be important.

And yes, the pain still lures in the background. And I am scared of it. But the weird thing was that after I acknowledged the warning and decided to do something, like deciding to write this post, this article, the pain suddenly went away. As I just acknowledged it, instead of trying to push it away.

So yes, today I can be grateful for that pain, that slowly increasing, terror like feeling pain. As it was and is just my body telling me there was, and is, something terribly wrong. And looking back the process has been even gentle, as the pain just gradually increased, trying to get noticed, until it got the attention it needed. So the Universe is gentle, can be gentle. We just need to listen.