Tag Archives: Pain

Thank You for the pain

Hi, I am Guus and I am codependent.

I was reading a document called “Boundaries for Codependents“. And I recognized an awful lot of my struggle, of my behavior, or whatever, in it.

And I have been bothered by emotional pain for a long time, and the last months, years, it seemed to get stronger, seemed to get worse. And I did not understand, as I was working so hard in the program of Codependents Anonymous and, after admitting I am depressed, very depressed, even decided to look for professional help, counseling, something I abhorred after kind of having decided quite a while ago to never ever see a psychologist again.

But somehow I must have made the right decision as my counselor sent me this document yesterday, and the document made perfect sense to me.

And while reading I suddenly realized that my body was, and probably is or will, telling me something by increasing the pain level I felt or will probably still feel. As there is definitely something wrong with me, definitely something, or actually a lot, that is wrong in my life that needs to be dealt with.

And while reading the document, that is about something like distorted reactions or feelings or emotions in ‘normal’ situations, it suddenly occurred to me that this pain, this intense, terrible, emotional pain, was just a signal, my body telling me there is something wrong that needs to be dealt with. Nothing more, nothing less.

Listen

So suddenly the pain was not something I just wanted to go away. Suddenly it became a warning signal, an alarm that tried to get my attention by getting slowly stronger and stronger, until I got the message.

As the message seems to be important.

And yes, the pain still lures in the background. And I am scared of it. But the weird thing was that after I acknowledged the warning and decided to do something, like deciding to write this post, this article, the pain suddenly went away. As I just acknowledged it, instead of trying to push it away.

So yes, today I can be grateful for that pain, that slowly increasing, terror like feeling pain. As it was and is just my body telling me there was, and is, something terribly wrong. And looking back the process has been even gentle, as the pain just gradually increased, trying to get noticed, until it got the attention it needed. So the Universe is gentle, can be gentle. We just need to listen.

Enough is enough

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I had a pretty bad tooth ache today which made me finally give in and just put me on the couch, suffering pretty much and not knowing what to do.

But that lying on the couch made me realize that often I am just too much, do too much, try too hard like not going the extra mile but going twenty extra miles. As I just felt so bad that I couldn’t do anything anymore from a human point of view.

But no, after maybe ten minutes I still couldn’t sit still, lie down and just relax, give my body some peace so I got up again and fortunately found me a better painkiller than the paracetamol I had been using over the day (that didn’t help so much, or only for a short while).

So after that the pain went mainly away and I could do some things again, like finishing my daily planning.

But I did decide just now that I wouldn’t continue with the self analysis questions or write an decent inspiring quote here, that it was and is just time to rest.

So well, I can’t withstand the habit of writing here, but I can (and should) keep it short, even though while writing I feel a little uncomfortable as maybe I am writing posts too easily recently, and that too may be a habit. And the last may not be a good one.

But for now, enough.

Lost day?

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I am still wondering if today was a lost day. As I didn’t do a lot of things and I was completely uninspired to do anything. And I guess it has a lot to do with the emotional blackmail from my mam yesterday, which I didn’t know how to deal with. Or actually I did, even though I kind of violated my current rules by kind of giving in doing partly what she asked.

And this is not how it is supposed to be, your mam blackmailing you instead of protecting you, even if you are of middle age. And I don’t blame her, as I am starting to realize, especially as she kind of indicated in between the lines that she wás affected with the loss of Janneke, my sister, that she is much more emotionally down than I imagined. And I am learning not to take over her emotions, as it is her grieving and her problems, but it still hit me, for various reasons. Not in the least that I now also feel I lost my mam, after my sister does not want to have any contact with me for quite some time now.

And the strange thing is that with her action, with her blackmailing me emotionally, she achieved the opposite of what she wanted. As I had planned today, or maybe tomorrow, but probably today, to do the thing she wanted me to do. And because I felt so down myself I just didn’t do it, I just didn’t feel like doing it. And I didn’t even read my (business) e-mail, probably for the same reason, as I did not want to be confronted with the things we are having these problems about.

So seeing her creating her own misery, I am wondering what I am doing creating my misery, as I think I may be much more like her than I think or want to know. So maybe it is a good thing that happened, although I was very much affected with how she must have felt, how she feels. And it seems that she feels powerless, not able to understand or do things that look so simple from my perspective.

The hard part is still that somehow we don’t communicate, somehow we can’t reach each other. And I have no clue what to do about that from my side. As I don’t want to give in to what she wants. As this is exactly the pattern I am in: giving in too much to other people. So somehow this is a good test case, as I really need to stay with my own wants and needs, and not give in to someone else’s, no matter how much pain it creates for the other person. But if it’s your mam that’s not easy, believe me.

The hard part is also that I don’t feel supported by her and this is especially hard as she always tells me ‘she’ll do anything for me’. But if I ask her something specific she mostly, or in my feeling always, no. So apparently it’s not only my dad who executed his powers over me, but also my mam.

So I always thought we had a very close and supportive and loving family, but apparently it was not. And I also realize that it were exactly my parents who told me so, or at least where I got that impression from.

And separate from this all I keep wondering how much is in my own control and how much is not. As somehow I believe the ideas of Napoleon Hill that basically state, like many ‘self help’ books and sites, that you are in control of your own life. But looking at my own life I am much less in control than I thought I was. As somehow ‘God’ or ‘The Universe’ or whatever power is out there, needs to approve, needs to cooperate. Otherwise nothing happens, or the opposite.

Still strange, this interaction.

Ah, yes, I also keep thinking that you guys want some advice reading a post like this or an inspirational site. But I guess that’s not me, so for that type of thing maybe better go to other sites. And who am I anyhow to give you advice? I don’t know your life and how you grew up and what you want in life and what circumstances you are in. So I guess that, same like me, you just have to figure it out yourself, in the end.

But I hope you enjoy what I am writing, even though I know not many people are reading my stuff. But maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about that, as it’s just good to write, and the more I do it, the less I indeed care what other people think. And yes, that includes you, although of course I would still like you reading my shit. And better even if it would be good for you, if you learned something from it. But if you’re just enjoying it’s also okay.

You’re doing it wrong

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I’m not sure what’s going wrong, what I do or don’t do or whatever.

Just five minutes ago someone said to me I did it wrong. And I know he was worried. But it hurt a lot and it still hurts a lot.

And fifteen minutes earlier someone else also told me I did something wrong. And that I ‘should’ do it differently.

And is seems this has been going on all my life, that I did things ‘wrong’ and ‘should’ do things.

So what is this. Am I doing the same to others? Am I somehow evoking these things for others?

And yes, it seems this all goes back to something like self confidence, which apparently I don’t have or at least don’t show.

And I guess it’s all meant well.

But it hurts. So let’s be careful what we say to each other and how we say it. Nobody has the right to judge that what we are doing is wrong. Or tell us that we ‘should’ do something.

Am very interested if you have similar experiences or have a different opinion about this.

No way out

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There appears to be light at the end of the tunnel, but the torture, the effects of past decisions, partly decisions of hope, are still not over.

And somehow I still see no way out.

Why does life have to be like this? And why is there help for everybody, for disaster victims, for mentally ill, for physically ill, but not for people like me, or people like me in the moment, in the moment of suffering?

And no, there is no solution, because somehow I want the impossible. It seems, it feels, it’s how I think other people look at it.

And it’s just sad.

But it hurts, it hurts, and the pain, the desperation, the stress destroys even more.

So I even asked, begged for a way out. But it was not given, not given yet.