Self analysis: question 7

The question for today is a tough one: “Does life seem futile and the future hopeless to you?”. Or maybe not, as somehow I appreciate life and somehow I still have hope for the future. But recently I often kind of ask my Higher Power if He would not allow me to go, let me die, as I am so tired of the life I have been living most of my life. And often I wish I had died five and a half years ago when I had a very bad motorcycle accident and indeed almost died. So does life seem futile to me and does the future seem hopeless to me, no, not really, but I am tired, very, very tired of living life in poverty and in kind of survival mode for a long, long time. And somehow I don’t have any clue how to change that, even though I keep on trying to make it work, like starting new projects or still trying to somehow revive my business.

And am I living a really poor life like having no food or something? No, not really, or certainly not, at least not compared to the majority of the people in the world I guess. But I do miss the extra’s, the holidays and being able to move around more easily, having a car. And I am tired of not having enough income, meaning I am still getting deeper into debt, even though I still have more, probably much more capital than I owe.

And I am not sure how to deal with this question further, like I could go back into my past to figure out how it all started, but I did that many times and I didn’t get a real answer from that, including not really knowing what caused my failures in career, in business.

And yes, I know that part or maybe all of my debts are related to giving in to my partner too much, until today, or actually one or two weeks ago. As I doubt I would have borrowed money if I would have been on my own. And of course that reminds me of the statement somewhere in Think and Grow Rich about choosing the wrong mate, and maybe I did that. But relationship, romantic love is or at least has been the most important thing in my life, even though also in that area I am tired as things didn’t work out as I imagined them, expected them.

So thinking about analysis the questions arise with me now if I should choose another career or another life partner. And looking at ‘reality’ I guess I should. But somehow I don’t want to, as I don’t really see a better alternative as I fear(?!) that changing career (or location) or partner wouldn’t really change anything, even though I guess another partner, someone who can give me more of what I need, might solve a lot of things, might even solve ‘everything’.

Ah, and something else that arises with me now is that I have the feeling that most of my life I have been running away from things, from bad things, from failures, from defeat. And about two years ago when I started with Think and Grow Rich I somehow decided this time I would stay, this time I would continue with the things I started. And so I did. With no real change, until now, as that is what I believe now. But somehow also something changed, somehow I have the feeling that the change, the good life (again) is very near, that if e.g. DoctorsConnect pushes through that may just be may way out of poverty, into success, into riches. And somehow I have the feeling that recently something changed in my relationship.

So let’s just wait a little longer, let’s persist a little longer.

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