Tag Archives: Complaining

Guilty

I still feel guilty,especially about my financial situation and that I can’t stop my partner from spending money we don’t have, that should go back to where it came from. But somehow it doesn’t make sense, as looking back I wouldn’t know how I should have done it differently. And I didn’t make myself, at least that’s what I believe. So how can I be guilty? Something like how can a dog be guilty or how can a stone be guilty. Or even a molecule. So somehow we humans are different from anything else, although somehow dogs, animals can feel guilty as far as I know. And thinking further, guilt seems to be something like violating rights of others. As that’s what dog-guilt is about I guess. As I presume a dog only feels guilty towards humans, when he or she does something against the rules of humans, of the higher species, the higher power.

And thinking further again, guilt seems to be something like violating the rules of the group. So in that respect it is about the survival of the group. And I guess that’s what human guilt is also all about, the guilt we are taught to feel when violating the rules.

But then were does conscience come in? Is there also something like violating your own rules? But again, thinking about dogs and stones, does that make any sense?

And going back to my financial stuff, am I still doing harm? Yes, I live in a big house and I allow my partner to overspend, spend money that I borrowed, that I am responsible for. But the consequences of leaving the house are unimaginable. And I wouldn’t really know how that would improve things, although of course if the house my debts could be paid off and I would be clean towards my debtors. And I want to stay with my partner. And I know somehow he is blackmailing me and controlling me with anger, with violence.

But the basic problem is still income, other people willing to pay me, somehow, or pay me for what I do, for work I do. And somehow there are too many of ‘me’, too many people, too much capacity to do the things other people need, other people are willing to pay for.

So while writing I keep asking myself if I indeed should sell the house, pay off my debts and live in a cheaper place and live a cheaper lifestyle. And based on the rules I grew up with, based on the law I should do that. And even my conscience agrees with it.

But still something inside of me says that I shouldn’t do that. As it doesn’t really solve anything. And while writing this I am starting to think that it would make things worse. As it would mean somehow that I would give up, would never work again, would never do anything anymore.

Recognize anything?

Tourism and Philippine business culture

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Today I had a very nice day out to the Tinago Falls in Iligan. And on the way we stopped in the nature park in Initao, a (very small) piece of tropical rain forest on the coast where we used to go for swimming. And it turned out they had built a very interesting and impressive canopy walk in that nature park. But, as I have heard more often than I like, it was “temporary out of service”. And fortunately I was fast enough to walk up the walk bridge leading to the canopy walk and was even able to climb up the stairs that lead up to the bridges that hang high in the sky at tree top level. So there was indeed a canopy walk here, kind of unbelievable. And it was impressive. And in my opinion it has quite a lot of tourist potential. But it was out of order because the platform connecting the stairs to the bridges in the tree tops had fallen down or something.

So someone had had a very good idea and had even been able to realize the idea. But somehow it was not realized good enough. And somehow I guess there had not been enough paying tourists or local visitors to maintain this canopy walk. Or it was just not built good enough.

So when I came down to fetch a camera and made some photo’s and wanted to walk up the walking bridge leading to the stairs again I was stopped by the caretaker. Which didn’t really matter anymore as I had already seen what I wanted to see. So I came back and was not sure whether to tell him that I already had walked towards the stairs and had even climbed the stairs. Which of course probably was not safe. But as I am interested in helping The Philippines, helping e.g. building the tourist industry I asked who was the owner. And, of course(?!), it was the government. Which in my opinion means that it will be very hard to build a tourism industry. As governments in general are not good in building ‘industries’. Businessmen are good in that. So in my opinion tourism should be driven by businessmen wanting to make a profit, which in the end they can only do if they provide good service, provide things people want. And yes, governments should create the conditions, some conditions to support businesses. And maybe provide infrastructure. And yes, maybe even build the canopy walk itself and indeed be and stay the owner of things like this piece of rain forest.

But somehow in The Philippines the government is running many things that I think would be better run by business people, people looking for profit, people providing services and products in an efficient way at the right quality. And I have seen many things and even was involved in tourism related government projects. And I just see too much government involvement, like the government even running resorts and cafes and restaurants.

And somehow that doesn’t seem to work. And I keep wondering how that is in other countries, countries that are better in catering to the needs and wants of tourists and are better in also getting the money in.

So maybe really worthwhile how that is done in countries, in places that do have a flourishing tourist industry, like who is doing what there. Like what role does the private sector have and what role does the government have. And indeed,if cultural or natural tourist attractions have been damaged or ruined or destroyed if private businesses have too much power, too much control.

But I have seen better than here in The Philippines. So it can be done better and I guess I would like to do about that, for the people here, especially the poor people, and even for myself, as I still want The Malasag House also to cater to tourist needs.

So let’s see what can be done. As there are really beautiful and nice things to see and to do. Like I saw and did today.

What’s next

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So what’s next? I’ve learned a lot and somehow I progressed a lot, but still there are some things missing.

But yes, I am making progress and I’m becoming more careful. Especially more careful with people, more careful with choosing people.

As today I received an e-mail in reply to a request from me to meet a previous employee again. As I thought he might be one of the people who could be part of restarting my business. And please keep in mind the goal of my business has always been and still is to indeed support myself, but also to support Filipinos and the Philippine economy. But especially the last has proven not to be easy as it is virtually impossible to find decent staff. As it has been very easy to find graduates who were all willing to be trained, which they were and which I did. But in the end I found myself without customers, without any money to invest and without any people willing to support me, help me rebuild the business. As most of those people willing to be trained decided to look for greener pastures elsewhere after having been trained.

And yes, I made my share of mistakes and of course I am responsible for my business, not the staff, the people I hired. And yes, I guess my management skills and social skills are not the best in the world. But looking back I am starting to realize more and more that it is not only me that is the cause that my business is not flourishing, was not growing and in the end kind of stopped. And no, it was certainly not the fault of the staff I hired, the graduates who were just looking for a start and of course in the end left my very small company that was kind of surviving and in the end couldn’t really survive anymore.

But looking back, knowing what I know now I think the main reason is the culture, the Philippine culture that makes it virtually impossible to start a company that wants to do a bit more than standard stuff, a company that wants to stand out and wants to deliver advanced quality stuff and services. And you can’t do that with graduates. And you can’t do that in an environment where the good people go abroad to work. And you can’t do that in a culture where it seems people only want to work as an employee, work for money.

And yes, I know more what I want now and I am still determined to build the company that I have in mind. And yes, I know that is virtually impossible, here in Cagayan de Oro City. But yes, I know anything is possible and that persistence in the end normally pays off.

But yes, I was very disappointed with the reply I got today. As for me it was an e-mail to someone who I think might be willing and capable to help me rebuild the company, build the company I have in mind to not only serve customers, but also help Filipinos stay with their family, not going abroad. Build a company that can provide decent jobs to the people of Cagayan de Oro City. Help him earn more, have a nicer job.

And no, apparently he was not the right person to ask. As the first thing he did was demanding for solving issues with his Social Security plan. And yes, of course I know there are and have been problems with the payments to the SSS. But the reason is very simple: the company just never earned enough to fulfill many of its obligations to the government. And looking back I have never really earned anything from this company. On the contrary, I think I invested more than the company ever earned. And yes, my mistake with all my good intentions trying to build a decent company here. And yes, certainly for me, for my own income, for my own money. But also definitely for the staff, for the people in Cagayan de Oro City, in The Philippines. But they didn’t make it easy, just leaving mostly after half a year, after a year, after their being trained.

And yes, I guess this person doesn’t know all this, doesn’t know that I lost most of the money I had when I first came to The Philippines. And doesn’t know I lost a lot more, money I don’t even have a clue how to pay back. And my living in a big house and my supposedly high living standard is only a very small part of that.

And yes, I can imagine he is worried about his SSS. And of course I guess that is my problem, the problem of my company. And of course I am looking for ways to settle all my debts. But is the implicit where is my money really the first thing to mention if you are being invited for coffee or something, being invited to restart or cooperate in a business?

Control your thoughts

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I am still thinking a lot about the statement of Napoleon Hill and many others that you can control your thoughts. And in a way that’s true, but what I recently notice is that it’s not always that easy to focus your thoughts on something else if there is something in the way. As my thoughts keep coming back to the malware/spyware script that is still inserted by my Internet Service Provider that I can’t do so much about. And I’m confronted with it every time I open a site, especially if I test sites on the internet. And I don’t have much option at the moment as one internet service provider, who has served us here since 2006 can’t deliver anymore a decent internet connection. And the other has worse service and is inserting those scripts in websites that most people would call hacking. And their infrastructure is not as good as the infrastructure of the other, so I”m also constantly confronted with pages that don’t open or open slow or don’t show up properly, partly probably because they mess with the content of web pages.

So yes, I decided not to do anything about that today, but I didn’t fully manage to do that, as, what I just explained, even right now I feel confronted with it as this very page I am writing right now probably has that script inserted. And I was confronted with it the moment I opened the site, this site, to login as the design is affected by the script.

And the problem is that as far as I know I only have two options here for internet access. And yes, I’m trying to see the advantage and yes, I am trying to do some positive things around this whole issue. And looking at the richness I am still searching, the money, I am even thinking big, like starting a new Internet Service Providing company here, connecting to some foreign company or something. So yes, Think and Grow Rich and many other ideas and books have made me start think big.

But in the mean time it’s just annoying, even though I am very happy I have access to internet again from home, regardless of the inserted scripts and stuff.

But controlling my thoughts and focusing on something else, not always easy, especially as I wanted to write an inspiring post today, but I’m not fully sure if I managed.

But maybe I did if you are someone involved in the internet industry and looking for a new challenge, a location to build a new internet infrastructure. Or if you also think big, dream big and want to do something big together with me.

So please let me know, as I think we can do better, humanity can do better, The Philippines can do better and certainly Globe and Smart can do better.

Fear and courage

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The last weeks have been tiring because of my internet problems at home, in my office. And especially the message from my main internet Service Provider, Smart, hit me hard. I understood that I would either need to bear with my bad connection or look for another service provider.

And my fear is that i will never have internet access again from my home, from my office again. But of course that’s not true.

And this whole thing of a company that has served me so well for many years suddenly telling me they don’t want me anymore hit me hard as a person. And yes, I know it’s business and solving the technical problem might be expensive as it seems that the current technical solution is at it’s limit due to changes in the environment or something. But especially with internet access you don’t have so many options, especially in some locations like mine, where as far as i know Smart is basically the only, or at least the best option.

And it also hit me hard as for me it has been always very hard to find customers. So I am sometimes stunned when companies are not accepting me, not accepting all customers or just refuse to serve them, even if they could.

And i am still wondering if it’s just me and my situation and my choice to live here are causing these kind of problems. But even then, even if I were the only one, then why not just find a solution and get me back online again? I know I am ‘just’ one of the many, many customers from Smart and they could easily do without me. But the risk is they may lose me forever as a customer and e.g. writing here could do some damage to their brand, their name.

And the more I look around me I see businesses not serving their customers as well as they could, or as i think they should. And it keeps me thinking why those businesses are successful and why mine is not, especially lately, where I decided to put more focus on customer satisfaction, on really doing my best to serve my customers the best I can. But somehow the Universe doesn’t seem to make that easier, as lately, without decent internet access at home, I often had to go to the city, to an internet cafe to do or finish my work.

And it makes me think of what Napoleon Hill states “I fully realize that no wealth or position can long endure, unless built upon trugh and justice; therefore, I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit all whom it affects.”. So this must apply to Smart and the people within and the leaders of Smart. But as of the moment I’m not sure, as them leaving me behind and not solving the problems with my connection certainly doesn’t benefit me. And not solving it also doesn’t benefit them.

And next to this I have been thinking what this adversity, this heartache carries for me in equivalent or greater benefit. As a famous quote of Napoleon Hill is also “Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or a greater Benefit”. But right now I just don’t see it, even though I am starting to see that this whole exercise that started with receiving and reading Think and Grow Rich makes me look more for the opportunities and somehow makes my mindset more positive.

And I am sorry as this post is a bit chaotic. But I’m just human, just like you and me, and just very tired of this additional setback, where just as I had found some new customers, just started some new projects, I lost my normal internet access that caused me an awful lot of hassle and cost me an awful lot of time.

And I am still amazed with all those people who didn’t read Think and Grow Rich, who didn’t think about their definite purpose or goals in life, who didn’t make it specific, where I did. And they seem so much happier or more easy going than me. It seems that I’m just struggling, still struggling, like I have done most of my life. The road towards success seems so endless, so tiring, so exhausting.

But yes, I also often forget how far I have gotten. When writing my desire document the most important thing I wrote in there was impossible. And now it’s just there and only one and a half year passed. And indeed, I didn’t even really do much effort for it.

And yes, the idea of having your life, the rest of your life, to reach your goal, your definite purpose, is very comforting. The idea of just not giving up until you get there, no matter what. That’s a very powerful idea and often keeps me going.

What about you? Did you write down your goal or goals and set specific dates for them? And do you read your desire document aloud every day? Did you even think about your definite purpose in life? If not, you may want to do that, as when reading my desire document now, it has come alive and gives me structure and shows me how i can look at things like those internet troubles i have right now.

So yes, you may consider that, even though I’m not the most successful person ever yet. But somehow, no matter my complaints, I am stronger now and am still gaining strength, by just doing those things, taking time to think about those things.

So better start now.

And yes, I found the courage to get moving again today and fortunately internet seems to work good enough in the afternoon right now.