Tag Archives: Responsibility

Forgiveness and Hiroshima

In my mind is still the subject of forgiveness I was writing about yesterday. And I just saw a documentary related to the dropping of Little Boy on Hiroshima. And there was something else in my mind I think, but I can’t remember it right now. Maybe my silence when I feel powerless towards other people.

The forgiveness stayed in my mind because I understand it is related to wrong doing. And I think I can’t imagine or accept that things have been done wrong to me as I always find excuses for things, things other people do. Ah, another thing came up with me today or so, that I don’t know the difference between being responsible and being guilty. As for me being responsible means something like being guilty. So who would want to be responsible or take responsibility if it only leads to being guilty?

So it seems I am starting to realize that my dad did wrong to me. And that he was responsible, but, I realize while writing, not necessarily guilty. And the wrong he did had and still has unimaginable consequences for my life. And yes, I guess I am very angry with my dad, still, as I thought I had forgiven him. Or something like that. As the subject of my dad keeps coming back, but I guess many or most or all people have issues with their dad. Or with their mam. Or with both.

So it seems I have to accept my dad did wrong to me. As maybe that is what I don’t do, maybe I keep finding excuses for him, that he had his reasons for what he did and that his intentions were good. But maybe that’s not the point. As everybody’s intentions are good. For themselves or from their perspective. As I understand that the Hiroshima bombing was ‘right’ and saved many lives. As it prevented an invasion that would have probably cost many more lives than the lives of the people killed in the bombing.

But of course it was wrong for the people in Hiroshima, and later the people in Nagasaki. As their lives were ended or destroyed. So well, is there guilt involved? Maybe not. Is there responsibility involved? Certainly. So maybe this is a good sample to keep in mind while learning about the difference between guilt and responsibility.

And right now I’m just tired, so I’m going to stop now. But I think it was very useful writing, as I think it brought me a little closer to understanding.

Inspiration, passion

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So the question “what’s next” keeps popping up and is kind of getting stronger. As somehow I have lost all inspiration and passion towards the future. And today I realized that awful feeling, that tension in my upper legs has come back. And I thought I was beyond that now, but somehow it came back, today.

And yes, somehow deep down I know what’s going on. Somehow I lost the passion for life, for being me long time ago. Somehow it has been beaten out of me by ‘life’, by the dependence on other people for certain things like jobs (to get money, especially to do fun things) and love and sex. And that gives those people power.

And while writing this I realize that somehow I still feel like a victim, that I’m still in ‘victim mode’. But yesterday I read a sentence that hit me: “Abuse is NOT your fault” (How to Deal with Emotional Abuse). But on the other hand I read everywhere that my life and my happiness and such is my responsibility. And that’s where I get lost. As how can it not be my fault being abused when I’m responsible. So I’m responsible but it’s not my fault. How can that be? As to me responsibility for something implies that it’s your fault if something goes wrong. But I have the feeling most or many other people see this different.

And yes, now the famous “you have to change” comes to mind again. That’s what many people have told me most of my life so there must be some truth in it. And that’s also exactly what my partner uses to put me down, to put me in the defense. As I am unhappy and can’t get, don’t have what I want. And you can’t change the other person, so you have to change yourself. And again, if you’re unhappy it’s your own responsibility to ‘change’. Meaning it’s your fault.

At least that’s the type of reasoning I seem to get stuck in. As responsibility seems to be something different than ‘fault’ or ‘guilt‘. And I am stuck in some beliefs, beliefs that I prefer to keep as those beliefs are so deep rooted in me that I think I would become another person if I let them go. Or is it just fear?

And I was looking for ways to make Inspiration for Success more inspirational again. And maybe I found a way now to add pages on responsibility and fault. Let’s do that first.

So I guess a bit more of a useful post than the ones I’ve been recently writing. So I have some kind of start again. Thank you Lord!

Fear

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I am often scared to open my e-mail. Or maybe I should write I often was, as I’m not as scared anymore as before. But yesterday and today I was. As I had sent an e-mail two days ago I expected a reply to. And somehow I was scared of the reply. But I had planned for today to check my e-mail and indeed the answer was there. And the answer was not really what I expected or hoped for, as it was kind of a politically correct answer where I had hoped for a bit more. But it was also certainly not a negative answer, even though I would have liked it a bit more, well, to my liking, getting what I want.

But this whole thing made me think what it is or was that I am actually afraid of. And today’s quote of course was about fear. And it was a duplicate quote probably as it was not stored in the database, so I must have liked it before. And the quote was

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.” from Jiddu Krishnamurti.

And it made me think and it seems I am often trying to escape the fear. As I did yesterday and actually today most of the day: not opening my e-mail. Or sometimes postponing reading my e-mail. And it made me think further about what could be behind this fear, this fear of reading e-mails. And of course I thought of my father, as he,or actually his behavior, seems to be behind all this fear. And thinking of what I wrote yesterday, I see my father as a dictator, as he always made me do what he wanted, forced me to, used his power to make me do things. And yes, somehow I grew up and went my own way. But somehow my father is still there, telling me what to do, where I have no option but to follow.

And this again makes me think how important it is what a father does. Or does not do. Or says. Or does not say. As being a father makes that you have a natural power over a child, your child. And I think my father abused that. And yes, I know he meant it all well, I know even some of his reasons. So he is not to blame, even though I still blame him.

And this is where I remember discussing this father thing with a visitor last week, the thing that I still blame my father, that I still feel like a victim. And he had a nice exercise for that. And the exercise is done in groups of two. And one person is telling the story where he felt being a victim to the other person. And the other person just has to listen. And of course in most or all cases the listener will sympathize with the person telling the story. But there is a second part of the exercise. And in the second part of the exercise the person telling his story must tell the story taking responsibility. And of course then the whole story changes, the feelings change.

Although while writing this I remember thinking about that exercise that it doesn’t apply to when a father exercises power over a child. As at certain ages a child cannot take responsibility like opposing or ignoring what the father wants. So then there is a victim. And of course there are many more situations where that is the case, situations when e.g. violence is used.

And yes, then, being a victim, you can only take responsibility for how to deal with the situation or how to deal with the aftermath of the situation.

Still, no real answer yet about my victim issues. But it seems I’m getting closer to letting go of some things, some things it seems I still play the victim where it is probably better to let go and go on with my life.

What about you? Do you have anything where you still feel the victim, even when the actual thing has long passed?