The last few days I had quite some mood swings. I had quite some high a few days ago playing music like I used to do and going back to the time when I was a student. But today and yesterday were kind of lows.And while writing this post I am very much in doubt whether to write the things that are in my mind or not, as indeed, I am starting to believe that thoughts, words, especially when spoken, are very powerful.

But somewhere in my mind is also that I promised to myself and to you that I would achieve my success fully in the open, that I wouldn’t hold back, also the downs. And there is one thing I still don’t talk or write about as that’s too private, even though I think it’s my biggest turn off, so yes, I’m still keeping something to myself. But it’s just too private and as of the moment sharing it I think would do too much damage, so I won’t or at least I”ll wait until I feel it’s the right time.

I started this post with crime pays where I’m starting to realize that the real saying is crime doesn’t pay, but I’m starting to doubt which one is true, especially feeling myself at the deepest of the deep related to finance, financial success. As it seems there is something like balance, something like what others do to you, you are probably doing to others sooner or later. And until now I held back very much and I try not to do the bad stuff that I feel others did to me, but it’s getting harder and harder. And the reason is that some of the things that happened to me especially the last few years, especially business wise, just feel wrong. I feel that people did me wrong and that, no matter the mistakes I made myself that lead to where I stand right now, it’s too much, that I have sunk too low. It just feels wrong, it just feels unfair, too unfair.

You see, I’m kind of good person. Too good actually, accepting too much from everybody, too honest and things like that. However, I have one big flaw: my biggest flaw, mistake is that i gave in, still give in, too much to my partner. And that’s my part in the story, that’s my mistake. So that’s wrong, no matter my reasons, my excuses. And in a lighter form I also have that to other people, trying to please too much,  As yes, I just want people to like me. Which they probably and obviously don’t, but that’s another story.

Anyhow, going back to the crime stuff, me being a ‘good’ person or at least considering myself a good person, I have the feeling that too many people have taken advantage of me and are taking advantage of me. And I don’t want to pay back or something in a similar way, but this causes an enormous unbalance. As e.g. financially for quite some time I have not been able to pay some things I feel like I owe people. And that’s a big thing to me. So I’m doing to other people what people have been doing to me: not paying dues. Except for me it’s mainly that I can’t, that I can’t find ways to earn or receive or get money to pay my dues. And somehow it must go back to economy, the time we’re living in right now. As I have the feeling many more people are in a similar situation and that indeed, in general money is still not flowing as it could, as it should.

But again, this creates an enormous inner conflict with me as most of the ‘self help’ stuff I’ve been reading states that you have things in your own hand. That thoughts and attitude and working hard and planning and all that kind of stuff is fully under my, your control. And in a way I indeed do believe that. But somehow something doesn’t add up. As I’m still a human being with his flaws and weaknesses and stuff. And things like economy and state of mind of the world or state of the Universe, even if you consider everything as one or something, still seem to count.

So this feeling of imbalance creates an enormous inner conflict that cries, shouts to be solved. As somehow I have the feeling there is not enough coming to me, not enough coming back. Because I try to give, but somehow it’s not enough or not in the right way. And I try to be good and not paying back bad behaviour or bad things in ways I consider bad. And I try to be happy and grateful as it’s written and stated everywhere. But inside of me something shouts wrong or not enough or ???.

So yes, having the feeling of having nothing left, which I know is subjective as I can still eat and still live in this big house, is continuously asking for attention and kind of eating me and often paralyzing me.

And I still don’t know what to do.

Anyone recognizes this? Or want to give any kind of comment? That would be greatly appreciated and maybe we find a solution, better solutions together. As I’m quite sure I’m not alone.

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