Tag Archives: Support

From Punishing Higher Power to Loving Higher Power

Still searching

Supporting Higher PowerI am still struggling with things like the word love and Loving Higher Power. So I keep searching the internet to find solutions and I found this article: finding a new Higher Power.

Find below my first attempt based on the suggested exercise in the article: first describe my current view of God, then my ideal view of God.

What do I think God is right now?

Somehow I still think God is that kind of old bearded man on the pulpit of the “Grote Kerk” in Vriezenveen. It seems I can’t really get rid of that image, that picture in my mind.

So it is a man, a man of like 60 or 70 years old. And he has a long grey beard, like Khomeini. And is giving all these laws, these rules and regulations, rules and regulations that I try to follow, but often don’t manage to follow, like I was not able to keep my relationship and I was not able to keep my jobs.

And some of my own rules, like not getting in debt, not having debt, and paying all my bills. I couldn’t even keep that simple rule, as I lost most of my money and was not able to earn enough. So humiliating.

God right now is almost always disagreeing with everything I do, with everything I want, with virtually every decision I make. And he lets me know, as he lets me fail in almost everything I do, e.g. does not allow me to meet the right partner, does not allow or help me to find the right team members for DoctorsConnect, does not allow or help me find team members and friends otherwise.

It is a very dispecible God as he mostly lets bad things happen to me, gives me hope at first, but then takes things away, like with the dog training recently.

It seems he finds pleasure in making my life as miserable as possible, including giving me these dreadful feelings of anxiety and such so I can’t even work, can’t even succeed, like putting time and effort in things I still want to do, still try to do, including doing Step Work and such.

So it seems my current God of my understanding is more like the devil, not like a loving God, helping me and supporting me. Recently I am starting to wonder why He even created me, as I am doing everything wrong in His eyes anyhow.

The worst of this God is that I can’t even escape Him in death, as He will keep haunting me in eternity, in life after death. So even suicide is not an option, as He will just continue annoying me after I die. He will just laugh at me, like, see, here I am again, here I still am, you can’t escape Me.

The kind of funny thing is that He created everything, and many or most things are really beautiful in this world, in this universe, even though of course there is pain and suffering. But yes, it seems most living creatures don’t suffer as much and as long as I am. Kind of weird, as how important am I to God anyhow. Just one of those six billion people or so, so why would He care to bother me so much, give me so much pain and suffering.

Or is that indeed love, finding a way to get my attention? Well, I guess He got it now. Except I don’t know if so much negative attention is really what He wants or needs from me. Wouldn’t He rather see me happy and satisfied?

Another image of God I have right now is some kind of universal force, but a force that is kind of neutral, a force that comes from ‘energy’, from the things I now know or believe the universe is made of, like strings from string theory.

Strange that that second image of God, of Higher Power, is kind of neutral. That force would not allow me or anyone else suffer so much. It would just be neutral and support any effort to create something, like me creating DoctorsConnect and get rich; or me earning enough in some kind of way.

If I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, what would that be?

Supporting Higher PowerIf I could have anything I wanted, any God I wanted, that God would give me everything I want and need. Or at least He would support me in my decisions and in the things I do. As to me that is what the word love implies: giving someone everything he wants, so he would lead a happy life, would enjoy life.

And of course this God might or would just use the worldly things to help and/or support me, like putting the right people on my path to help me with DoctorsConnect, even though there might be miracles, like letting go away my mental disease of having so much emotional pain and anxiety. And yes, he might let me win the lottery or something, so I could pay my debts and such and live a happy life without being a burden to other people. He would certainly not use my mom to let me survive financially. He would have allowed and allow me to visit her every year or so, by giving me the means, the financial funds to do so.

He also wouldn’t let me wait so long for my ING internet banking code, even though that long wait seems to have helped me with keeping my ABN AMRO account or something.

That God wouldn’t have made me like feeling guilty and ashamed almost all the time to other people and towards Him. As how could I be responsible, especially to Him, about who I am and about the decisions and choices I made?

He would never put me in the embarrassing position I am in now, not even being able to buy the normal daily things from the money I earn.

And I think I am just writing too much here. To me a loving God or a loving Higher Power would just give me anything I want and need to lead a joyful and loving life, being able to enjoy life myself and help others if needed.

And He wouldn’t come with those stupid ideas that I already have enough, that I already have what I want and need.

Yes, of course I have already what I need, like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in and food to eat every day. I even have more, like a computer and internet access and people around me. But is that really all I need to be happy and joyful?

And yes, looking back He may have given me what I need in the form of suffering, of being poor, of loosing everything, so I know more about life, about where other people stand, how other people live. So yes, that is certainly a good thing. But I guess it is only a good thing if He would somehow find a way to give me the things I want, like money and a car and maybe a nice house again, this time in a way with having the funds to maintain it and such.

Ah, and he would certainly not have let my mom, and my dad before, to suffer financially. Or emotionally, like not allowing me to go home, go to The Netherlands regularly, like every year.

Going back to the exercise as described:

He would sound very nice, maybe whisper to me what I need to do, could do to be successful or something. Yeah, He would whisper guidance to me all the time, so I would make the right choice all the time. He would leave no doubt of what He means, unlike the God from the church, from the bible, who just tells me to be obedient and do His Will, without giving me any clue about what that exactly means.

He would not really think anything of me I guess. He would just let me be me and be successful. He also wouldn’t need to, as I guess He would be busy enough taking care of all things in the universe, so I wouldn’t really need a lot from Him. I can just manage alone, as long as I have enough funds and such. If He would give me enough money now I am pretty sure I can manage most things myself, without needing further assistance from Him. I would just want him to see me enjoy life, see me do good, good in the sense of material stuff I would enjoy, as well as me doing good to other people, do good in the world. He would laugh in a nice way, enjoying seeing me enjoy life, enjoying seeing me travel, build businesses, helping other people be happy and joyful.

Right now He would say about me something like “Hey, see, that is Guus. He suffered so much, but I gave him money, gave him what he wanted, and see him now, see how much he enjoys and how he does good in the world. Take a sample in him, as he overcame all this suffering, didn’t kill himself even, no matter how much pain and suffering I gave him, but he endured and finally got what he wanted and is living a perfect life now, a life as how I meant life to be”.

And I am not sure how He would look like. Maybe like a younger version of me, but then more handsome, like someone I would be sexually attracted to.

Crashed

So the last few weeks I fully crashed, I hardly didn’t do anything anymore, despite all the nice stuff I know from Napoleon Hill and all those other ‘self help’ people and guides. And that includes sending the daily inspirational quote and writing here. And doing work. And many other things. So it seems there are limitations to what I can do, what a human being can do. And no willpower often can get me out of bed, as I am pretty sure I am suffering from depression. What kind of gets me out of it, got me out of it, was this article: get out of depression, or at least some of the suggestions, like moving a bit, walking a bit. And the main sentence that helped and helps me is “you can’t just will yourself to ‘snap out of it’, but you do have some control”. And that is fully contrary to the statement of Napoleon Hill to use willpower getting things done.

So what was the reason for crashing? Well, I guess the feeling that nothing is coming back, that nothing seems to work, no matter what I do. Like I have written a lot of stuff here in this site and it seems there is nothing coming back, no serious comments or even an e-mail every now and then, whether positive or negative. And I have been sending daily quotes for more than two years, now, every day, except Sunday. And I only got maybe five or ten e-mails from people who liked a certain quote.

And I read everywhere that success starts with giving, but it seems there are limits to that, as in the end you can’t just keep on giving without getting anything in return.

And I know that persistence in the end works, will work, but right now, and for quite a while already, I had the feeling there is not enough coming back.

And I know it is the same with other bloggers, and probably the same with many things, like writing a book, where you first have to fully finish the book and get it published before anything ‘comes back’.

Ah, end yes, I know one of my main issues is something like ‘choosing the wrong mate’. And not having a proper social structure to work from, not having enough friends or not having the right friends.

And I am working on all of that and slowly, very slowly things seem to start moving again, like just now I decided to write something here.

That is maybe the hardest part, knowing what ‘can be’ and not fully knowing how to get there, losing hope, losing everything on the way and kind of stopping, giving up.

But I guess I didn’t give up, as I am writing here again. And I decided to do a little work today. And lately I got some more friends, a better support structure.

Christmas eve

It is Christmas Eve here, but I don’t feel like making posts about Christmas or send Christmas quotes, although the fireworks here just fifteen minutes ago made me search for a fireworks quote. I couldn’t find an inspirational though, so I decided to send something else.

Ah yes, and that brought me to forgiveness, something I still have a lot of difficulty with. But that may be related to my codependency, as I understand I need to learn to accept mistakes or something. And today I participated in a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, which at first scared me a lot as it makes me think of alcoholism as it is related to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the fears I had was ‘being sick’ as I don’t consider myself sick. And of course alcoholism scares me, as I guess it does many people, as it is no fun being an alcoholic or dealing with one. I had a friend once who was alcoholic and it was terrible to see what was going on. And I couldn’t do anything, I really felt powerless. As I found out that just throwing the alcohol away didn’t make any difference. Or even talking about it or asking my friend to throw it away, which he may have done at that moment, but I don’t remember the details.

But slowly I am starting to see the benefits of participating and indeed admitting to myself and to the group “I am Guus and I am codependent”, as that is how you are supposed to start to share. And it took me a while as ‘I am not just codependent’ and I don’t like labels, any labels, and certainly not of some weird sickness. But somehow I got there and I am starting to see the reason to start sharing like that. As somehow it is very liberating to admit something in that way because then you can start dealing with it. And of course it doesn’t mean something like “I am only co-dependent”. And as one of the group members pointed out to me, everybody has ‘something’, everybody is different and has ‘negative’ things he or she needs to find ways to deal with. And of course it is completely irrelevant if it is a sickness or not: I am very unhappy and have been so most of my life and if these meetings, these steps can help me be more happy, then why not. On the contrary.

And what kept me going and what finally made me kind of participating now are the promises that are given. And somehow something seems to have changed, not a lot, but changed. As I think this is the first time in my life that I belong somewhere, that there is a group of people that just listen to me and seem to have similar feelings and maybe experiences. So isn’t that wonderful, having a feeling of belonging, having a group of people happy listening to you and you listening to them?

Yes, those twelve steps programs seem to be really powerful, as I understand there are many of them. So if there is something you want to deal with or improve, maybe you could look for such a group. And related to the people welcome in Codependents Anonymous are just people with the intention to have better relationships, with themselves and with others. And who wouldn’t want that?

And yes, alcoholism still scares me. But if you have problems with alcohol, and deep within you you know, then you may just participate in one of the programs or groups of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I guess that would be the same experience I have now: finally some kind of a solution for a problem I can’t solve on my own.

Improve my blogging, my writing

Recently I have been thinking a lot how to improve my writing, improve this site. As I think my posts are not really that inspiring. And I still compare myself to other bloggers I follow, like Alden Tan, Leo Babauta and Marc and Angel. And I consider them better than me.

But while opening their sites to add the links I realized that Inspiration for Success is different. As Marc and Angel write about practical tips for productive living. And Alden Tan writes about personal development. And Leo Babauta somehow stands for something like ‘simple living’. So at least my focus is different. My focus is ‘success‘. And I wanted Inspiration for Success to be different, inspirational. As most ‘success sites’ are about hard work and motivation and such. And I don’t believe in those things. As they didn’t work for me. As I worked hard and was very motivated. But that didn’t help me keep my job, my income. And yes, it did bring me quite some money. As when I was working hard I earned quite a bit. But it didn’t last, so I know there must be more than just ‘hard work’ and ‘motivation’ and ‘persistence (read stubbornness)’.

And then again, starting a new life in The Philippines, I started working hard, was very motivated, very persistent also. And it brought me a little, but not for long, not anything lasting.

So there must be more, next to all those things I read about ‘success’ and ‘motivation’ and ‘hard work’ and such. As it didn’t work for me.

And then I found ‘Napoleon Hill’. And the word ‘inspiration’. And recently I found something like ‘getting a break’. And yes, all those things, these more recent things, have given me a lot of insight in ‘succes’. And yes, I have gotten a lot of confidence now, self confidence. I am more myself, so to speak. And a few days ago, on October 19, 2014, I realized that those things are unimaginable more important than ‘money’, than financial success. But still, I don’t consider myself successful still. As there is still not enough money coming in to support myself, let alone support others or pay my debts or even the interest on my debts.

So how to go from here, how to apply all that knowledge I have now. How to ‘monetize’ everything I know, about success. And now, I don’t mean financial success anymore, even though I believe more and more that needs to be part of it, at least for me, as I always wanted to be rich, yes, in money, and I still want t be. But that’s me, not you. For you success may mean something completely different. And yes, also for me there is more, there is one more thing more important than money. But I still need money to achieve that, to nurture that, so money is still important.

Well, enough for today, even though this post is not finished yet. But it gives food for thought, food to nurture the seeds that I planted. So let’s wee what I can do tomorrow to go back to my goals and dreams, in my life and in this site. As I am quite sure I have the tools now to make both successful. And yes, somewhere hidden in this site, similar to what Napoleon Hill states in Think and Grow Rich, also lie the seeds for your success, for the things you want in life. So yes, you may want to keep reading everything in this site. And the sites and pages it points to. As I am quite sure there is a lot of knowledge hidden in this site that will help you on your road to success, on your road in life.

Customer service Globe Philippines

For quite some time I have been communicating with Globe about some web pages that are cut off somewhere in the middle when using our Tattoo@home connection. And with ‘quite some time’ I mean something like half a year or so, which I think is quite long for an outstanding support request for a company like Globe.

And I didn’t really want to write about it, but today I got another request through Twitter for:

  • Account owner’s name.
  • Account number.
  • Birth date.
  • Mother’s maiden name.
  • Complete billing address.

And those details I provided a long time ago on a similar request through e-mail, even though some things don’t really make sense to me as it is a company account, and I don’t see how my mother’s maiden name is related to that company and I also don’t know if they mean the birth date of our company or my own birth date. But also then, I don’t see what my birth date has to do with the company account that is experiencing the issue of cut off web pages.

So apparently Globe has problems with their customer support, as it seems the support staff can’t find the records of the issue I reported, even though I provided the different ticket numbers related to my concern.

Anyhow, I guess the whole thing has to do with the malware insertion they do, so I guess nobody wants to touch it, not even the account manager I know personally.

But yes, recently I am using anything, positive or negative experiences, to my own benefit. So Globe, be careful, as I think in the end you won’t make it with this kind of customer support.