Tag Archives: Happiness

Things are coming to me

This morning

Well, after my writings of yesterday I got some things coming to me. Like this letter to you. And I know all these things, I see all these things. But not always easy if you feel like being abused or someone being angry with you for no reason.

I did not plan to write right now, but I don’t want to forget this moment, so I’ll start today’s post just with this.

This evening

So today wasn’t such a a bad day after all, even though my start was not that fast, as usual. As next to the e-mail I got I also saw that someone shared a very old link from this site, meaning that at least something somewhere starts to happen, based on all the things I wrote here.

So yes, it’s just the little things you do that you may not even aware of that can create happiness for other people. Like just sharing a link or sending a simple e-mail or SMS.

Crying inside

Inside I’m still crying. Maybe even more now. As I know life is not supposed to be like this and despite everything I have learned I still feel very unhappy. And somehow I believe life is fair. But I know in my case somehow it’s not. And I’m trying to look at the good things and keep my gratitude diary. And tried to listen to people and tried to give first and tried and tried again. But inside I’m still crying as I really don’t understand that things that in my experience should be so simple apparently are not. Things like just working and having an income. Things like having a partner and do and share things together. Things like just having sex, or preferably making love with your partner, if he is just nearby, or lying next to you at night.

And i am wondering where did I get those thoughts, about fairness or what is supposed to be, what is supposed to be fun or create happiness?

So maybe I should stop looking at success and inspiration and trying to give (things that I don’t have) and believing in the good and believing in fairness and believing in peace and love. And pushing and being perfect and writing every day even though I have nothing to write.

Maybe I should first cry, just follow my feeling. As things are very wrong.

Avoiding confrontation

Love will find a wayI am very tense as somehow I avoid confrontation about what is going on here in the house. And yes, I am fighting some kind of guerrilla war as I guess at least part of the guests feels there is something going on that’s not right.

But my goal was that everybody should be happy and I am not happy and I am certainly part of everybody. And I have been asking myself what would make me happy and I couldn’t find the answer to that. And of course I tried to go back to the teachings of Abraham Hicks that say something that no matter what I should search for something that makes me happy. But yes, he also said that sometimes you can’t go to a happy place as you are too far from that place, too far from happiness.

And yes, I feel guilty, guilty of spoiling the party with my behavior. But how let the people know how hurt I am with what is going on, how this all came into being. A lot of people have been invited in my house without my approval. And some of them I don’t even want here. This is all organized without my participation. And yes, of course I have been informed. And somehow I was asked if I was okay with it. And basically I am, but it would all be so much nicer if we would have organized it together. And if the people would just contribute in the cost, as I was so happy the last few months finally enough money came in to at least pay the daily expenses. And now more than half our monthly budget goes to a large party where most of the participants have a larger income than we. Meaning we at least we can’t start paying our debts, but probably our borrowings go up again.

So yes, while writing this, why would I be happy. Well certainly not with the party, or actually how it was organized and how it is being paid for. A party I am basically no part of, as I was not even invited, a party where I just feel like being part of the furniture, nothing more, nothing less.

So what would make me happy? Well, not sure, as I wouldn’t want to force people to fund a party they were just invited for. And I wouldn’t want people to leave, as, no matter whether I like each of them or not. As each of them has his or her place. And I wouldn’t want them just to pay for it or something.

So what would I want?

What would you do?

And no, I don’t think this is not an inspiring post. But I guess I’m just in ‘that place’. Meaning far from inspiration.

Humble

Just half an hour ago or so I saw an e-mail sent earlier today from someone within the Smart/PLDT organization who has been asked to address the concerns mentioned in my letter of February 28, 2014 to the CEO and President of Smart, Mr. Napoleon L. Nazareno. And this made me happy, as the tone of the e-mail was such that my concerns are being taken very seriously. And it confirmed to me the leadership of Mr. Nazareno, as to my feeling he has put the right person at the right level in the organization to address my concerns.

It also confirms that most likely the recent actions taken by the local engineers of Smart are related to my letter. And it confirms that Smart is concerned about the things I have been complaining and writing about, contrary to what i, what we, often feel when dealing with large organizations like this. And yes, I still have some feeling of let’s see where this goes, let’s see if they really want to improve things for everybody, but my first impression of this e-mail today is very good.

And even though I am happy, I also feel humble, as especially the engineers did so much to make it all work and they are still following up if they can do something, as the speed I experience is quite low, lower than before. And yes, I still suspect something in the Smart/PLDT infrastructure is somehow limiting the speed, but I am also not 100% sure what’s going on on my side, as I have quite some computers connected and am running IPv6 tunnels that could generate traffic I am not aware of.

And I also feel humble as I don’t know how to run an organization like Smart and keep everything working and keep so many customers happy. And I know my connection is technically OK now and I am also pretty sure there is not something like a Fair Usage Policy volume limitation implemented.

And the last brings me to the fact that I am very much pro Fair Usage Policy in the sense of sharing bandwidth, especially right now as I have the feeling internet traffic is kind of exploding. And I also know that there are other technical limits that may very well affect internet connectivity and might have put Internet Service Providers off guard. Things like number of connections, as these must have exploded during the last year or the last few years with what I see Google and Facebook implement in web pages.

And related to The Philippines in my experience it is very difficult to find proper staff, technically as well as in management positions or in non-standard customer service positions. So one of my guesses is that large companies like Smart and Globe have difficulty to get and keep their technical infrastructure in order as well as their customer support, especially in cases like mine. As in my case with Smart as well as Globe I still believe all kinds of problems came together where no one took or could take charge as it just doesn’t fit the organization and/or the Philippine culture.

And that is exactly why I have been writing my letters and kept pushing and will continue to try to find ways to improve things in The Philippines, for the Philippines. As it is a nice tropical country where i think families should live together and be able to serve each other and the world business wise with a decent standard of living. just from home and not in some far away country in some kind of low level job because of the higher pay.

Wouldn’t that be nice, The Philippines in the top 10 with all kinds of things, like e.g. best internet infrastructure in the world? Why go abroad if you can make it all happen here use and develop your skills and experience here. And enjoy the company of your family, see your children grow up here, at home?

Planning and discipline

Implementing the Principles of Success or at least working on planning and discipline seem to start to pay off as even today, when I started kind of late and had the feeling I had planned too much for the day I still managed to do everything I planned,even though, again, I ended very late. Like right now it’s almost 2 am, so actually time to relax and sleep.

And maybe the most important thing I am doing the last few days is NOT doing things. Like I was very much affected with what Globe and Smart, my Internet Service Providers and the two biggest. and in many areas basically only, Internet Service Providers in The Philippines are doing. And it kind of ruled my life, like everywhere. When doing work, when doing private things on the internet,when reading my IFS e-mails, when reading and writing in Facebook.

And it still kind of does, as right now I am too scared to open my IFS e-mail and I am too scared to open my Facebook account. As I know I am easily carried away with this stuff, unorganized writing and complaining. So yes, I am not opening it from fear, but maybe even more to make sure I won’t be carried away with it and ending up being very emotional about it.

So I am planning my actions more about it. And other actions. And I started to plan further in the future. Like the last one and a half year I have kind of been living from day to day, planning from day to day, too scared or whatever to look in the future, towards the future. But yes, I organized my days through the segment intending and daily to-do lists. And a few weeks ago, somehow in a kind of natural way, I started to look further ahead. Plan things a few days away. And actually it is starting to work out fine, as now I just plan things, things I like and things I don’t like. Like I didn’t feel like writing my second letter to Mr. Cu of Globe and Mr. Nazareno of Smart. But I planned some things around it, like creating a draft a week ago or so and an updated draft two days ago and today I had planned something like to finish it. And I just did, even though I didn’t feel like it anymore.

So yes, I need to plan reading my IFS e-mail and my Facebook. But not NOW, just tomorrow or Sunday or Monday. And I am more careful what to plan, what to write on my to-do list for a day. And how to write it, like often I write also things like ‘maybe do this’ or ‘if it fits my schedule’. So I won’t pressure myself into ‘impossible’ plannings. And yes, sometimes I just skip things, don’t do things I planned. But not so often anymore. And it’s a good feeling.

So yes, I’m on the way, on a better way.