Tag Archives: Happy

Happy and tired

Strange how my mood goes behind the facts as the last few days went quite okay, but often I still feel very stressed, especially in the morning.

And today I was happy as I was able to extend the visa of a friend of mine, even beyond the official procedures. So this probably does mean I have some standing in the immigration office, something that is very important in The Philippines.

And I was also happy that one of my computers that was broken was fixed with some minor repair instead of replacing the mother board plus probably the memory and processor as it is an outdated mother board.

And I am still happy that Ulla is still alive and is doing pretty well.

And tonight I had a nice evening with a meeting and some social talk afterwards.

So yes, things are pretty okay. I hope the feeling will follow soon.

Happy and grateful

Strange to start this post with the title Happy and grateful as it is very rare that I feel happy and/or grateful and one of our dogs is still with the vet as she is very sick and may not even survive her illness. But part of my happiness is related to the dog being sick and me spending quite some time this afternoon with her as I am very affected with these kind of things and it is very hard for me to put my mind to something else if something emotional is going on in my life, like a dog who has been with us for around ten years and who is very sick.

So sitting with Ulla this afternoon for quite a long time made me feel a bit stupid, as who is going to spend so much time with just a sick dog who is taken care of very well by the vet and the staff at the vet. But it gave me quite some time to contemplate about that and I realized that it is just part of me being affected so much with something like this and having difficulty to put my mind somewhere else. So I was just doing the right thing, as I had some time in my planning left and didn’t want to go home and didn’t have anywhere else to go, so what would be the best place to be? Well, with the sick dog of course, so I could also check how she was doing. And I was thinking about Napoleon Hill and the ideas of being affected by opinions of others and I was indeed realizing that my main concern was the opinion of the vet, presuming she was thinking that this crazy stupid emotional foreigner was so crazy spending hours with his dog.

And I realized that I just presumed she was thinking that and I may be pretty wrong with that. So it may have just been my own thoughts putting this negative idea in my mind, even possibly putting something fully wrong in my mind. And the next thing I realized that I and only I can and could decide how to spend my time best. And that I was just there for all the right reasons as I didn’t want to go home anymore and might as well spend my time with the dog as anywhere else. So I was there for all the right reasons, no matter what anybody else would think. It was fully logical, even if other people probably wouldn’t understand. As they didn’t know my reasoning and my planning and the way I am built.

So yes, I was kind of happy having learned to being not so much affected by the opinions by others anymore, even though of course I still had the feeling a bit of feeling stupid. So yes, there is some gratefulness there also, as this realization made me feel grateful.

The thing that really made me grateful though was an e-mail I just received, an e-mail giving me a way out of a very important issue, giving me a gentle way out of a very large mistake I made quite some time ago, a mistake that was bothering me a lot as the consequences didn’t seem to go away, consequences that could have a large effect on my life.

And I felt especially grateful that somehow things seem to turn around, that somehow slowly good is coming to me where I had so many bad years.

Self analysis, question 15

The question of today is a hard one for me as most of my life I have not been happy, actually quite down. And maybe that is the more sad as my main keywords are “Joyful, loving and powerful”, meaning I didn’t encounter or gave a lot of joy.

So today’s question is “Are you sometimes ‘in the clouds’ and at other times in the depths of despondency?”. And I know the feeling and I guess it kind of applies to me, but somewhere, somehow I ‘lost it’ in life and from that moment on it seems my whole life was about negativity, about unhappiness. And yes, there have been a few times where I was really happy, where I really enjoyed life, really had hope, really was ‘building’, but most of my life I have felt very gloomy, like living within a dark cloud of unpleasant things, of ‘unpleasancy’.

And something comes up in my mind right now what a friend of mine recently told me, that she remembered me as gloomy. And that was in my childhood, when I was six or so. So my negativity, my gloom must be very old, must go back to my early childhood, baby time even. And I don’t remember so much of that anymore, except some stories that have been told to me. So it is very hard to figure out what is reality and if it was really my own experience or if it relates to things I am told, even though recently some of the ‘real’ memories come back to me, like the time I was hiding under the bed when I was staying with someone who took care of my as my parents were not there. As far as I know that was during the time my mam was in the hospital because of giving birth to one of my sisters.

And I know I can still do that, hiding, still even do that. And I always considered that bad behavior, but is it really?

And today in my Dutch post I was contemplating if things were changing (for the good), and somehow they are, even though it is not really visible in reality yet. As I am starting to take my feelings seriously and with that my wants and needs, where until now most of my life was about others, pleasing others. And even tonight I did that, thinking what the other would think as I declined a meeting. And the more I think about that the stranger it seems to even consider that you know what the other would feel or think. And putting the others wishes above your own wishes, the others wants above your own wants, the others needs above your own needs. But that’s what I seem to do most of the time, still.

And I was raised as a Christian so I know the Ten Commandments, including “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself”. But somehow the world seems to have made something out of it like “you shall love your neighbor more than yourself”, as everywhere I look and read people say and write to first focus on others (and not on yourself?), including Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich. But the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t add up and ‘pleasing others’ certainly didn’t work for me, at least not until now. And I know more people who are doubting the concept of first thinking about others (and then about yourself).

So where am I going with this now? Did it answer the question? No. But I think what I wrote above gives me some more insight on what is going on in my life and where I am going (and where I want to go).

So let’s change direction (more), as until now it didn’t work.

Happy day

Today was kind of a happy day as I first visited a customer and had an unexpected interested audience and even got a free lunch. And yes, the last means I’m still in The Philippines, where somehow food is something you always share with people.

And after I visited a friend of whom I don’t really know if he is really a friend, but we had a nice conversation and I hope we both enjoyed. And at least I did. And I hope I was able to lift him up a bit as he didn’t really appear happy to me.

And then after I was just tired and I am still just tired, but it was and is the right kind of tiredness. So for today I’ll just leave it to this, as I feel like I really deserve some rest, some time off.