Tag Archives: Unhappy

Flexible discipline and habit

I am still struggling with going the extra mile and discipline and habit as right now I am tired (again) and don’t really feel like writing a post here and certainly not the next self analysis post.

And yes, I am seeing and feeling the power of habit as I am writing here now. And I am still making the bed every day, even though sometimes, very sometimes, just before I go to bed. But I do it.

And I also feel the habit of doing my little exercise in the morning, even though recently I was not able to do the sets of twenty as is basically my goal, but mostly sets of five that I mostly try to increase over the days.

So yes, these habits have brought me something and they are very powerful. But I am starting to realize I also seem to have developed the habit of being unhappy (instead of happy) and I have no clue how to change that, as all these self help ‘tricks’ don’t seem to help.

And yes, somehow I still don’t feel like I am able to control my thoughts, maybe the most important thing to do in life, maybe the most important message from Think and Grow Rich, from Napoleon Hill.

And I feel like I (still) lost all my desire and recently I lost almost all my sex drive, even though the last always was one of my wishes. But now I have it it’s no fun, as indeed I believe that sex is the major driver of human action, and I am also kind of experiencing that right now, as without my sex drive everything seems so dull, so useless, so aimless.

Ah, and I got back to my daily planning, and it is working, as it gives me some direction for every day and helps me finish things and makes me feel somehow kind of satisfied when I notice that I have all the things that I planned for a day.

So yes, I know all the tricks and even apply many or most or all of them, even keeping a daily gratitude diary.

But no, I am still not living, there is still something missing and I have no clue what, or how to get it, even though I feel it must be there.

So no, not a positive post today, although writing this down, making this analysis, could be the start of finding a solution, the solution. The solution how to live and enjoy life.


Ah, one good thing, as while finishing this post Ulla came to me, the dog that is still alive because,. next to other things, I decided to bring her to the vet, do everything I could to make her survive. And her coming to me just now gave me a very good feeling, even made me kind of feel happy.

Self analysis, question 15

The question of today is a hard one for me as most of my life I have not been happy, actually quite down. And maybe that is the more sad as my main keywords are “Joyful, loving and powerful”, meaning I didn’t encounter or gave a lot of joy.

So today’s question is “Are you sometimes ‘in the clouds’ and at other times in the depths of despondency?”. And I know the feeling and I guess it kind of applies to me, but somewhere, somehow I ‘lost it’ in life and from that moment on it seems my whole life was about negativity, about unhappiness. And yes, there have been a few times where I was really happy, where I really enjoyed life, really had hope, really was ‘building’, but most of my life I have felt very gloomy, like living within a dark cloud of unpleasant things, of ‘unpleasancy’.

And something comes up in my mind right now what a friend of mine recently told me, that she remembered me as gloomy. And that was in my childhood, when I was six or so. So my negativity, my gloom must be very old, must go back to my early childhood, baby time even. And I don’t remember so much of that anymore, except some stories that have been told to me. So it is very hard to figure out what is reality and if it was really my own experience or if it relates to things I am told, even though recently some of the ‘real’ memories come back to me, like the time I was hiding under the bed when I was staying with someone who took care of my as my parents were not there. As far as I know that was during the time my mam was in the hospital because of giving birth to one of my sisters.

And I know I can still do that, hiding, still even do that. And I always considered that bad behavior, but is it really?

And today in my Dutch post I was contemplating if things were changing (for the good), and somehow they are, even though it is not really visible in reality yet. As I am starting to take my feelings seriously and with that my wants and needs, where until now most of my life was about others, pleasing others. And even tonight I did that, thinking what the other would think as I declined a meeting. And the more I think about that the stranger it seems to even consider that you know what the other would feel or think. And putting the others wishes above your own wishes, the others wants above your own wants, the others needs above your own needs. But that’s what I seem to do most of the time, still.

And I was raised as a Christian so I know the Ten Commandments, including “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself”. But somehow the world seems to have made something out of it like “you shall love your neighbor more than yourself”, as everywhere I look and read people say and write to first focus on others (and not on yourself?), including Napoleon Hill in Think and Grow Rich. But the more I think about it, the more it doesn’t add up and ‘pleasing others’ certainly didn’t work for me, at least not until now. And I know more people who are doubting the concept of first thinking about others (and then about yourself).

So where am I going with this now? Did it answer the question? No. But I think what I wrote above gives me some more insight on what is going on in my life and where I am going (and where I want to go).

So let’s change direction (more), as until now it didn’t work.

Tired and confused

I am tired as I was out most of the day and found only little time for myself. And now this post is the last thing of the day and I don’t really feel like writing it as, again, I’m tired and just want to go to bed and sleep.

And I just got annoyed as I got a reply to a personal e-mail with kind of the message how co-dependent I am and pointing to the page co-dependency. And I recognize most of the stuff and to most of the questions my answer is ‘yes’. So  I must be pretty codependent. But it makes me angry, as who is to decide that my behavior is not okay? Do I need to be ‘average’ and does averageness make one happy or more happy?

And yes, I know I am unhappy, very unhappy, very unsatisfied with my life. But what would be this program or advice be different from any other?

So again and again I am reading I am doing things wrong, which translates to me as that it’s all my fault and that I should ‘change’, whatever ‘they’ want me to do. And yes, I read everywhere that my intentions are good, so what should I do? Go for bad intentions? And you think I don’t consider that? You think I don’t know how to get what I want by threatening people or something (‘they’ call it setting limits, but to me it’s just threatening people, using power). Or just go and steal stuff I want and need? Yeah, of course I would find ways to get what I want, of course I know ways.

But until now I still prefer to go for the ‘good’, do the things that feel right to me, even if it hurts me.

Christmas eve

It is Christmas Eve here, but I don’t feel like making posts about Christmas or send Christmas quotes, although the fireworks here just fifteen minutes ago made me search for a fireworks quote. I couldn’t find an inspirational though, so I decided to send something else.

Ah yes, and that brought me to forgiveness, something I still have a lot of difficulty with. But that may be related to my codependency, as I understand I need to learn to accept mistakes or something. And today I participated in a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, which at first scared me a lot as it makes me think of alcoholism as it is related to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the fears I had was ‘being sick’ as I don’t consider myself sick. And of course alcoholism scares me, as I guess it does many people, as it is no fun being an alcoholic or dealing with one. I had a friend once who was alcoholic and it was terrible to see what was going on. And I couldn’t do anything, I really felt powerless. As I found out that just throwing the alcohol away didn’t make any difference. Or even talking about it or asking my friend to throw it away, which he may have done at that moment, but I don’t remember the details.

But slowly I am starting to see the benefits of participating and indeed admitting to myself and to the group “I am Guus and I am codependent”, as that is how you are supposed to start to share. And it took me a while as ‘I am not just codependent’ and I don’t like labels, any labels, and certainly not of some weird sickness. But somehow I got there and I am starting to see the reason to start sharing like that. As somehow it is very liberating to admit something in that way because then you can start dealing with it. And of course it doesn’t mean something like “I am only co-dependent”. And as one of the group members pointed out to me, everybody has ‘something’, everybody is different and has ‘negative’ things he or she needs to find ways to deal with. And of course it is completely irrelevant if it is a sickness or not: I am very unhappy and have been so most of my life and if these meetings, these steps can help me be more happy, then why not. On the contrary.

And what kept me going and what finally made me kind of participating now are the promises that are given. And somehow something seems to have changed, not a lot, but changed. As I think this is the first time in my life that I belong somewhere, that there is a group of people that just listen to me and seem to have similar feelings and maybe experiences. So isn’t that wonderful, having a feeling of belonging, having a group of people happy listening to you and you listening to them?

Yes, those twelve steps programs seem to be really powerful, as I understand there are many of them. So if there is something you want to deal with or improve, maybe you could look for such a group. And related to the people welcome in Codependents Anonymous are just people with the intention to have better relationships, with themselves and with others. And who wouldn’t want that?

And yes, alcoholism still scares me. But if you have problems with alcohol, and deep within you you know, then you may just participate in one of the programs or groups of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I guess that would be the same experience I have now: finally some kind of a solution for a problem I can’t solve on my own.

Writing inspiring

My mind is still with a recent post of Leo Babauta. And about how Alden Tan writes. And Marc and Angel. And many more famous bloggers. As they all seem to write in a way I recognize, and obviously many people recognize. And as they seem to have a large audience. And yes, their stuff is often, mostly, inspirational. And I believe my stuff is mostly not. And I don’t have a lot of followers, hardly any, I guess.

And yes, I realize most of them started quite a while ago, when it was much easier to get a blog started. As there weren’t so many yet. And yes, I know they have a different focus, mostly spend a lot of time on their blogs, their sites, where for me it’s just a sideline. And yes, they want to be writers, where I don’t think I want to be, although of course with my everyday writing I am.

So I am often wondering how ‘they’ can convert their bad experiences, their mishaps, their ‘what life throws at them’ in some kind of positive message. As I have difficulty with that. As I often just don’t feel good. So it doesn’t feel good to only tell half my story, just the nice stuff. And until now I didn’t find any real solution to be more happy, to do better. So it seems I just end up in complaining how bad life is or how bad I feel. And indeed, I guess that’s not very inspiring to read.

So yes, I also often wonder how ‘they’ have felt when their traffic went down, when things didn’t seem to move. And what they did, like if they were able to write about that, about how bad they felt.

And then again, I am starting to ask myself how real all those positive stories, those positive quotes are. And if it is really true if you can ‘get there’ with determination or hard work. Or something else. And I am starting to realize that it is all much more personal than what you just find on the internet. As I know in my case that ‘hard work’ didn’t work, until now, even though I also did some test where I found that my feeling about working hard does not match ‘reality’. And I am starting to believe that indeed if God or Infinite Intelligence or your Higher Power, or whatever name you have for that which is bigger than us, does not cooperate, does not want something for you, you can do whatever you want, follow all the advice of all people in the world, whether successful or not, but it won’t happen.

So maybe indeed, before you do anything, first pray, or meditate, find calmness. But yes, that is indeed, also, what I find everywhere, in all advice. So maybe that’s the common thing, maybe that’s the common start.