Before now

For the last one and a half year or so I have been kind of living from day to day, something like living one day at the time. And I never fully understood what that meant, never really did that before, but yes, it is a way to get through anything. And yes, I had my happy moments, maybe even happier than ever before, but somehow it’s not satisfying, this ‘day-by-day’ living thing. Somehow a human being, or at least me and I guess most or many other people, wants to look forward, achieve something ‘in the future’. And that’s what I remember, what I want back, ‘my good life’, the life I had before when everything was still ‘normal’, when I grew up in kind of a normal family, when I studied and finished my study, when I found a job, when I traveled and saw the world, and even when I moved here, to The Philippines, to this beautiful house.

So somehow I’m not living ‘day-by-day’, but also living in the past. As I want those things back. As I remember the good things. And yes, there were the good things, especially the travel, the money that made it possible, the partner I was with, the house I lived in, so basiclally my ‘normal life’ with work, evenings, weekends and holidays.

Past

And yes, there were downs, very deep downs, but somehow not so long downs, although I’m starting to doubt that while I’m writing this. I grew up very lonely, partly because it’s my character, but also partly because I’m gay and neither was able to find partners nor role models until I was like in my twenties. And during my study I ended up with a psychologist and was about to kill myself as I felt so unhappy with everything. It also took me quite a while to find a job after I finished study, so that period was also not very smooth. And then I found my first job and things started to go better, as then I also found my first partner. And that’s also the time I remember, the time I miss. But the weird thing is that indeed that time was ok for me, but there were still very important things not really OK. As my partner and me had some big issue that I still can’t fully understand. And most of the time I had problems at work and was scared losing my job, which also actually happened a few times.

So then, about ten years ago I had a deep down, the deepest of my life ever I think, although I’m not fully sure now. I lost my partner, lost my job and couldn’t afford my house anymore, so also lost my house. And yes, when my partner left me, I again considered committing suicide, like I did when I was in my early twenties.

But somehow when I lost my job for the first time, in a very bad way, I was able to find a new job, against all odds. And even quite quickly. And yes, it had everything to do with persistence and desire, with the Principles of Success as Napoleon Hill describes them.

And after losing my first partner, after my first partner left me, I found a new partner very quickly in a similar manner I had found a new job after losing my first job.

Next past

And then weird things began to happen. As the start of my second relationship was very good, even though looking back it may have been way too soon. And the start of our business was also very good. And moving to The Malasag House felt also very good, although it was kind of risky, but it was exciting.

And then slowly the whole thing started falling apart, and I still don’t fully get why, although maybe it’s indeed about my learning process in this life, the “The Other and I” thing. But still, I’m not happy about it and it took away my joy, the fun in my life.

And then about one and a half year ago, the middle of 2012, my second partner left me and my whole life fell apart in a similar way as ten years before. And again I didn’t want to live anymore, wanted to commit suicide, felt fully alone in a strange country without family, without friend, without a job, basically without and income, so nothing to live for anymore and nowhere to go. And yes, this was the deepest, the lowest point in my life, not the first time when my partner left, when my life fell apart. No, the second time was much worse, as I had lost all hope, all courage, just lived from day to day.

Future

And then something changed. And that was also basically the start of Inspiration for Success, of this website. And of my current life, a new life, a somehow different life. And I’m not there yet, just read my posts, that are often based on the problems, the practical problems I encounter, like money and earning. But yes, while writing this I realize something has changed. And it has indeed to do with desire, with a decision, with a purpose, even though I often don’t see and feel it anymore. And yes, somehow it is based in the Principles of Success of Napoleon Hill. But there is more, although what’s in my mind now is also there and it’s called Infinite Intelligence. And it’s something also like ‘letting it happen’, ‘letting it be’. Don’t know how to explain that right now.

Now

And writing this post is starting to become strange, empowering to myself. As I see how far I have come since the events that started around one and a half year ago. And I still feel down, and I’m not there yet. But somehow now, while writing this, I’m starting to feel stronger. And yes, the last weeks, the last months things started to improve, basically without my conscious effort.

And I’m a bit in doubt what to tell you know, as some things are very private. But I want you to know that the whole thing started with a decision, a decision to achieve the impossible, a decision founded in a very deep desire. But it also started with someone giving me a book, the book Think and Grow Rich. And it started with following my feelings, following my Inner Being, somehow.

And just now, right now, I’m starting to believe again that I’m very close, very close to what I really want, very close to real happiness, the happiness that I and everybody else so much longs for and deserves.

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