Author Archives: Guus

It was an honour

“Thank you for telling me the thuth” makes the HAL 9000 computer in the movie 2010 to continue the countdown, saving the humans on a space mission, but being himself destroyed. And I guess behind that is something like being intelligent, being human like, having consciousness means that you can also sacrifice yourself for the greater good, whatever that may be.

And I am still struggling sacrificing a lot for my partners wants and needs. As I feel many of those things go against me, go against to what I want. And no, it’s not just wanting to be with him or something. Or being scared he will leave me. It’s much more complicated than that, although one thing behind it is that I don’t know how to deal with his anger, which I think is the main thing that makes me give in so often. Or just his capability of destroying things, things that I would like to keep, mostly as I, as we can’t afford to replace and often things we need.

So I am thinking a lot what to do. As reason doesn’t seem to arrive, at least not my reason as he is always ‘right’, at least logically. Telling about my feelings also doesn’t seem to arrive, as he doesn’t seem to realize how his actions, his wants, his needs hurt me, make it very difficult or impossible to do the things I want, prioritize my things.

And as I don’t want to retaliate and as I want to acknowledge his needs and wants I mostly give in, although often it is also to keep the peace. And virtually always my needs are not met and my wants are not being catered to.

And they often say it’s all about communication. And maybe about self confidence. But the last I am starting to develop, and the first my not be my strongest point, but with my partner I seem to be at my worst.

So well, I still have a lifetime to find a way to make us both happy. And I’m sure we’ll get there. But as of the moment I still don’t know how to make that happen. As I am certainly not happy, so my goal of us both being happy is not achieved yet.

But yes, I still believe the truth will set us free and love will prevail. As is trying to do the right thing and trying to somehow communicate what is going on on my side.

Recognize anything?

Guilt again

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Strange, how I feel guilty again, guilty that I couldn’t support my partner with his party as he wants or needs to be supported. Guilty that I can’t support him right now, after the party is over. Guilty that I have been talking to people about how the party was funded, that I think the budget is way, way above what we can afford. And yes, guilty that I ‘always talk (or think) about money’.

But thinking about balance, balance between give and receive I still have the idea something is wrong, something is out of balance. As I tried not to complain about the things I was not happy about. But it did take energy. And yes, I enjoyed the party, enjoyed talking to all people who were here and the people who joined the trip yesterday to Iligan. And yes, I enjoyed the trip yesterday.

But looking back, what did I actually receive. And maybe a related question, what did I actually give?

And I want so much to support my partner, be everything he wants me to be, give him everything he wants and needs. But I still don’t know how, as some of the things I just don’t have, just don’t know how to give him. And how can you give what you don’t have?

One year inspiration for success

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Wow,, one year Inspiration for Success. As what I found a few days ago was that my first post was made on April 4, 2014. So tomorrow it is really the birthday of Inspiration for Success and today, right now it is New Years Eve. Or actually it is already the birthday as it is already past midnight.

What a journey has this been the last one and a half year ago or so. I started with my partner leaving and a book given to me. And my personal blog on http://guus.themalasaghouse.com/, later http://op-weg.inspiration-for-success/. And from that personal blog came Inspiration for Success, this site. And somehow I did manage to change my thinking, something I was never able to all my life before.

And no, the site is not yet successful as how I would call it a successful site. And I didn’t really set a date for it :). But from that deepest down in my life I made quite some journey and somehow I feel better than ever, even though my personal situation is certainly not satisfying and not what I want and need. But it is clearer to me than ever before what I want. And I am more determined than ever to indeed achieve what I want. And I am more certain that I can indeed achieve what I want (in life).

And I keep repeating myself, as my self confidence grew mainly through my desire document, by applying the Principles of Success as researched and described by Napoleon Hill in his book Think and Grow Rich. And this evening was even a good sample of feeling a growing self confidence. As I am able more and more to show others some of the things I learned over the last one and a half year. Things about setting goals, not changing them and keeping going, no matter what. And yes, I believe more and more that that way of thinking can have only two possible outcomes: achieving your goal or dying. And in general the first is much more likely than the second (happening before the first). As most of us would still be pretty sure to have at least ten years to live and it is unimaginable what one can achieve in ten years time. As also in my mind is the saying of Tony Robbins, that you often overestimate what you can do in one year, but underestimate what you can do in ten years time.

So yes, set your goal, write it down, believe, make a plan or don’t and start reading aloud your desire document. And yes, start reading Think and Grow Rich, use it as a workbook. And indeed, just continue doing those things, no matter how weird they feel or no matter whether they give you a feeling at all.

Ah, I can’t explain, but indeed, say something similar to what Napoleon Hill said, that somewhere in his book or other books or this site, you will find the answers that will point you in the right direction, will give you what you want. And yes, also Jesus Christ said the same, something like keep looking and you will find.

So keep looking.

Enough

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I’ve had enough, or at least almost enough. And it is getting harder and harder to control myself, to not burst out in anger or something. As last week people cleaning and cleaning and cleaning had already a big attack on my state of being. And yesterday was kind of okay. But today it just feels like it has been enough, that I sacrificed enough. And still so many people who I want to keep happy, here in The Malasag House, so yes, i’ll try to keep my temper down and suppress my feelings, my emotions a bit longer. But it’s getting harder and harder and i feel like I have nowhere to go, as my home is still with people none of whom I invited, even though about half of them I like.

And yes, I liked the party last night and I was especially happy that I think everybody was happy, including me. But the whole thing has taken its toll and its getting harder and harder to control myself. And yes, I like people here in my house. But not so many at the same time and not for days and days and days.

Not always easy to support your partner.

But yes, looking back I think I did a great job so I think I can be proud of myself.

I am planning better now…

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“I am planning better now and am finding the right way of taking action in a relaxed way”.

In the end I will not share my desire document, but what is stated above statement is part of it. And again, the moment I wrote it, it was something impossible to me. And while writing this, this post, I am starting to realize that it is becoming part of me, has become part of me. So again, creating a desire document and reading it aloud regularly, in the beginning, or irregularly, like today, is something unimaginably powerful.

As today I was at the end of everything as my goal was that everybody, especially me, would be happy today, tonight. And I had no clue how to reach that. So even when the party tonight really started I was kind of desperate, as my own happiness was nowhere to be seen, even though I had talked to some people about what was bothering me. But somehow I didn’t feel good about it as I was scared that it would turn people off, would spoil their experience, their happiness tonight. Still, I was so full of what was going on and I didn’t like that I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. And I guess in the end that turned out to be the good thing, especially as I guess I talked to the right people who appeared to be understanding.

Still, somewhere tonight, just before the beginning of the party I still didn’t feel alright and wanted to withdraw, run away. And somehow I ended up in the bedroom and went back to things like goals. And of course my goals are in my desire document and my desire document has become kind of the guideline of my life. So even though I didn’t feel anything like ‘desire document’ I decided to still read it, even though I didn’t really feel it.

And just like mostly, or virtually always, or always in this type of situation my desire document gives me some kind of direction, some kind of peace, some kind of goal. So also tonight.

As even though I didn’t really feel the stuff that is written in it, it always give me something to hold on, there are always parts of it that I can feel and relate to.

And every time I read it, power is added to it. And power is added to me. Somehow it boosts my self confidence, always, no matter how bad the situation is. And I think one of the most powerful things of a desire document is not changing it, no matter how bad things get. As I see it slowly become reality and slowly all the ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’ don’t seem to belong there anymore.