Today was a bit a strange day. I woke up and didn’t feel good, as usual, but this time after getting out of bed I realized that I somehow had my hay fever like symptoms again. And I thought how much that affected my life or must have affected my life. And no, I don’t think about that so much anymore, as I don’t feel like having hay fever so much anymore, but this morning it just hit me.

And I was alone, which I don’t like so much, but I’m coping better, much better with that right now, even though somewhere in the background there is that missing feeling, that feeling that ‘something is not okay’. But I’m coping and basically feel okay, feel I’m just being myself.

And I was thinking about money, the stuff you seem to need to do the things you like, like traveling or visiting friends or just buying things. And I need a lot of it right now, mainly as I am afraid that paying my debts is going to take something like ten years, if I start earning a little bit more soon. Otherwise it would take longer or I would never be able to do it. And that’s just paying my debts, no fun, no holidays, no visiting friends or buying nice stuff.

And yeah, I’m doing kind of okay, like today was just a good day as I worked a bit and kind of enjoyed that. But of course I was also thinking about my fifty first birthday tomorrow, where I have no real plans, mainly indeed because I don’t have the budget for that. And because my partner is not here, but if I had some budget i would probably do something. So my delayed fiftieth birthday as I had it in mind is probably not going to happen. And no, I chose to not let it happen on April Fools Day, at least not my way. And yes, looking back I realize I must have made a weird impression to some people. But of course they don’t know the whole story and I’m pretty sure if they knew the whole story they would understand a bit better why I behaved like I did.

So well, things are improving somehow. But I still miss the ‘wow’ feeling, the passion, the inspiration. And I came quite far since about one and a half year ago, when my whole life was in ruins, yes, I certainly came quite far. But no, I’m not inspired, not passionate and I have basically no clue where I’m going, except that I kind of set my goals in stone with my desire document. A document I didn’t feel like reading the last few days, a document I was a bit scared of the last few days.

But that’s why I gave this post a title of a favorite saying of mine: “people often overestimate what they can do in one year, but they underestimate what they can do in ten years”. So let’s stick with that.

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