Tag Archives: The Other and I

Evasive?

I often use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. So I want to learn better use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with confrontations. That was something presented to me today and it seems to fit me, seems to fit my behavior. But something else I was confronted with was that I often act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them. So I am looking to act in ways that encourage loving and healthy responses from others.

So just now I was confronted with a situation where I didn’t know what to do, how to behave. As I felt provoked by someone close to me, so finally I decided just to leave, but while reading the above it might have been evasive communication. But ‘confrontation’ in this type of situation with this person mostly just ends in anger, so I didn’t and don’t know what to do, even though I think that I might have done a little bit better than in the past.

And I still don’t know what I am doing or not doing that seem to make other people, well, not sure what to day. Do I make them feel insecure or something? But maybe I am just going too fast, as I just started learning about these things where people like me or with my type of behavior are being helped and supported by doing better.

So yes, let’s just relax and start with step one.

Strange

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it was strange, one or two hours ago, when my mam called and told me Janneke, one of my two sisters, died. And it was strange especially as I received a text last night from my other sister Suzan,asking me to call her as soon as possible. And I am re-reading it now, and indeed, there is urgency in it, but it arrived fully wrong with me. As if one of my sisters is dying I would expect someone to call me and not send me a text to call them.

So this afternoon I got a call from my mam telling me that my sister was not only severely ill, but even died last night. And again the request to call her back right now, implying that I should use Skype to call her on my sisters phone, right now, right after. And again, I was hesitant, as I was about to go out and someone was waiting for me, so calling back straight away would be quite a hassle for me. Partly because my computer was not yet on and partly my current opinion about these things is that there is nothing really urgent about. Someone died and that’s it and it’s a common thing. And yes, I guess I may sound a bit weird with this kind of statement, but when my father died five years ago I did everything I was supposed to do and I am still suffering from it, as I borrowed money for the ticket which was the start of my borrowing, something I could never imagine doing before. But as I had no money at the time and as I presumed I was to go I just did what I thought I was supposed to do and bought tickets for my partner and me with borrowed money.

And yes, getting older made me also more relaxed with things like death. As people just die and there is nothing much special about it, even though of course it is a significant event. So yes, of course I am considering going to the funeral or something. But just doing it ‘because I am supposed to do it, because society expects it’, I am not sure if that’s the right way. Especially as that first borrowing for my dads funeral was the start of the deep financial shit I am in right now. And don’t get me wrong, it was not the reason, just the start. And there were very good reasons for all those decisions I made afterwards, especially the first one or two years after. But finally reality caught up with me and I didn’t know what to do anymore as I saw no way out anymore.

So am I acting strange? I guess so, as the more I think about it many people avoid me after a while, leave me behind. So there must be something in what my partner said last night, that I have some autism type behavior when I didn’t want to entertain him anymore as I felt provoked by his questions and statements about me. As in my experience if he is in a mood like that anything I say just makes it worse, so I better keep quiet, even though of course that also doesn’t solve anything and also makes him more and more annoyed. But I guess it is still better to just keep quiet as at least then I don’t give him any new ammunition for further complaints and accusations about what I am doing wrong.

So strange, feeling relatively quiet, relatively relaxed after the message my sister just died, even though after I arrived home after a short errand it suddenly hit me and I started to cry. And yes, there is more, but that is too private for me to share herein public. But maybe I should share I also felt relieved, as this event of my sister dying might solve some things within our family, things that should have been solved a long time ago, but where I didn’t know how to do that.

And it is strange, as last night I was talking with some people and we talked about something like changing the other person. And I said I think I can’t change my partner, but actually I meant I don’t want to change my partner. And also related to the problems my sister and I have, my mam often tells me I can’t change my sister.

But the question is if I shouldn’t try if I think there is something wrong with the other person. But that raises another question: who decides what is wrong and do I have the right to change another person. Or is the opposite true: am I obliged to point out ‘wrongs’ in the other person.

And right now of course I am thinking what ‘wrong’ and what is ‘right’? And I don’t know the answer, but it is an interesting question to keep in mind.

So yes, looking forward to your comments on this.

What was inspiring today?

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I had a very bad mood today. And it started yesterday, or maybe even a few days ago. And normally I know ways to get out of that, to find some kind of happiness, but this time that didn’t work very well, until now.

And as this site is about inspiration, is about inspiring people, inspiring people for success, I thought the title “What was inspiring today?” a nice way to start, a way to somehow put my focus somewhere else, away from my bad mood, my bad feeling. But while writing this I feel the tension in my legs, a tension I dread very much, as that was a tension I felt for a long, long time in my previous relationship, when I knew there was something wrong, very very wrong, but didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to explain that to my partner, talk to my partner.

So yes, I see I am back with my bad mood, with the thing that is bothering me, really bothering me. So I know it is ‘relationship’.

So where to go from here? Am I writing for myself, somehow analyzing my problems, trying to find a solution through my writing? Or should I write for you, write something inspiring? As that is what you are supposed to come here for, for inspiration, for inspirational posts. And that is what is supposed to help, help make one happy, doing something for someone else, ‘giving’ to other people, helping other people. But until now ‘giving’ did not really make me happy, although I know things like smiling at someone else, to someone else, in 99% of the cases rewards you with a smile in return, indeed making one happy. But ‘giving’ to my partner has never made me happy and I hardly ever feel I am getting something in return. And don’t get me wrong, I know ‘giving’ doesn’t work like getting (something in return) for oneself.

And also helping people often doesn’t seem to work, as mostly it seems people don’t want my help, even though it is given by heart.

So often I ask myself if I am really ‘giving’, if I am really helping. Maybe the word ‘give’ means something else to me than to (most) other people. And maybe ‘helping’ something else than what I think it is.

And these kind of things have been bothering me for a long, long time. As I have the feeling I ‘give’ more than I see other people give. And I am very much into helping other people. And I read everywhere that you ‘reap what you sow’.

So if the last is true then I have sown very, very bad seeds all my life. As I feel like I am reaping just misery, lack and things like that. And people are not willing to help me, even if I ask them straight away. And people often want, expect, things from me I don’t have, like money.

And yes, I know I somehow make a mistake there, trying to give things I don’t have. And maybe not being clear enough about my needs; or asking the wrong people. And of course I am wondering if other people feel the same about me, that I don’t give them what they need, help them in a way they need. As if life is about balance, something like that must be the case.

So what was inspiring today? For me, I don’t know. I didn’t really feel inspired, I just had a bad mood and of course that reflected in everything that happened, in everything I did. As indeed I believe that is how the Universe works, that is how the Law of Attraction works.

And what was inspiring for you today? And would you be willing to share that? And would you be willing to let me know what I can ‘give’, what you would want to expect from me? And what help you would need from me? So my ‘giving’ and willingness to help would get some better results.

Control your emotions

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Control your emotions and separate business from private. That is what is said so easily and something also I read about leadership. So today I was put to the test and I failed miserably, failed even that much that I am still trembling and am missing the last night out with friends on a short holiday in Siargao.

So yes, thinking about weaknesses I better analyze what happened just about an hour ago again, as somehow I was drawn into something I know is kind of killing for me. And the setup is something I am talking to someone about something, maybe some private stuff or culture or emotions and somehow my partner bugs in and finds someone who will support him in what he is saying, something like he is right and I am wrong. So I feel attacked and I feel being a minority, which upsets me very much and somehow puts me on the defense or something. And I did quite well tonight up to a certain point keeping my mouth shut about certain things I consider private, something between my partner and me. And while writing I realize this is very weird, as normally I don’t mind so much talking about anything, but I know my partner prefers to keep some things between us.

So yes, of course I was the one opening up about something I never told anybody about, as I consider it private and I don’t want anybody to know, especially because of my partner. So in front of my partner I was making the mistake (again), not him, even though I feel kind of ‘set up’ into this kind of situation, this kind of conversation where I don’t feel comfortable with the people around, people supporting my partner, making me feel attacked. So when something like this happens, I feel even worse towards my partner than before, as it was me who made ‘the’ mistake, making him even more right about the negative things he is saying about me, the things he wants the support for from the people around, as he always wants to be ‘right’ and I am ‘always’ wrong.

So again, where I had a very nice conversation with one of our friends, or actually a friend of him, somehow he bugs in with his best friend and turns the conversation to something where those two people are supposed to support him in his being ‘right’ and me in my ‘being wrong’. And where to me most of those things are just ‘opinion’, to him it is about ‘me not understanding people’ me not reacting properly to social situations. And yes, those people often confirm that these things are ‘me being me’, so that’s not my problem. What is my problem is that mostly (‘always’) those people seem to confirm that I am the one socially not ‘correct’, meaning I am doing something ‘wrong’, meaning I am wrong.

So after my big mistake I decided to leave the conversation, even though the group was breaking up anyhow, because we were supposed to go out, have a beer or so, have our last night out. So nothing really happened, except that I was so upset and felt so bad that our ‘secret’ was out, that I decided that I didn’t want to join anymore. Which of course made me feel even worse, as this of course meant I was breaking the group again, meaning my partner was confirmed again about my social skills. And next that the not joining made me feel bad because it confirms my social inability, it also means I am missing out on a night out, even the last night out the group is together. A night I was kind of scared of, as it might become too late to my liking, but also a night that kind of came up naturally to just go out together and have fun together.

And yes, while writing this, I know it is all written too negative and that it’s not all as bad I feel and that it is not bad people knowing about what I consider one of our major problems. It may even be good. But the time and place and how it came together are just fully wrong, and one of the people present is the last person I want to talk to about this.

So what is there to learn and what is the real problem? Maybe something to think about. The main thing I think is that it is something repeating that gives my partner more power and that makes me feel bad and makes me feel bad in the eyes of other people.

So how can I prevent this in the future, as somehow I am drawn into situations like this and I don’t like the outcome.

Know thyself

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I am more and more amazed with myself, as it seems I am having more and more self confidence and seem to know myself much better than before. And strange, to put the label ‘visionary’ on yourself, as to me visionaries are very important successful people and I am not, or at least not yet. And also you don’t put positive labels like ‘visionary’ on yourself as ‘doing normal, then you do good enough’ as the Dutch say (and I am Dutch and grew up like that).

But I am more and more confirmed that indeed I am a visionary, like today a friend even confirmed that. And before I always wanted to be a manager, as I thought that was a leader, and as I thought as I know now, that is what I was supposed to be as that is how I feel and felt. But people didn’t see me as a manager and as I know now I am not a manager, at least not a good one. And I am not sure I am a leader, but I guess in the end at least the term visionary fits and knowing that makes me feel much more comfortable as now I don’t ‘have to’ be a manager or a leader. I can just be myself.

So what my partner always said and apparently saw is that indeed I didn’t know myself well enough. And everything around me seems to confirm that my new role, my new title fits me better than anything before. As somehow people are starting to listen to me, are starting to take me seriously. And the strange thing is that my ideas are more crazy than ever, even more crazy than I could ever imagine. But somehow it fits, somehow I am, I have to be this crazy guy with these crazy ideas. And I am not ashamed of that anymore and I understand more why people have difficulty understanding and following these things. As they are just built differently, built to be a manager, or maybe a worker or a leader. And not a visionary, not the crazy guy.

And yes, all of this makes me much happier. And it shows.