Tag Archives: Help

Self analysis, question 53

Today’s question, “When others offer you free, unsolicited advice, do you accept it without question, or analyze their motive?, is something that is often in my mind. And right now I am thinking of some advice, or actually help, that someone offered me yesterday. And it was not fully unsolicited, but I didn’t like the advice as it was not an answer to the help I asked for.

So yes, often, or maybe always, advice or opinions given are probably more in the interest of the person giving the advice or help than the one asking for it or needing it.

And I guess I am more vulnerable to advice and opinion than I think, so I will think more about the reasons behind advice or opinions given.

Christmas eve

It is Christmas Eve here, but I don’t feel like making posts about Christmas or send Christmas quotes, although the fireworks here just fifteen minutes ago made me search for a fireworks quote. I couldn’t find an inspirational though, so I decided to send something else.

Ah yes, and that brought me to forgiveness, something I still have a lot of difficulty with. But that may be related to my codependency, as I understand I need to learn to accept mistakes or something. And today I participated in a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, which at first scared me a lot as it makes me think of alcoholism as it is related to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the fears I had was ‘being sick’ as I don’t consider myself sick. And of course alcoholism scares me, as I guess it does many people, as it is no fun being an alcoholic or dealing with one. I had a friend once who was alcoholic and it was terrible to see what was going on. And I couldn’t do anything, I really felt powerless. As I found out that just throwing the alcohol away didn’t make any difference. Or even talking about it or asking my friend to throw it away, which he may have done at that moment, but I don’t remember the details.

But slowly I am starting to see the benefits of participating and indeed admitting to myself and to the group “I am Guus and I am codependent”, as that is how you are supposed to start to share. And it took me a while as ‘I am not just codependent’ and I don’t like labels, any labels, and certainly not of some weird sickness. But somehow I got there and I am starting to see the reason to start sharing like that. As somehow it is very liberating to admit something in that way because then you can start dealing with it. And of course it doesn’t mean something like “I am only co-dependent”. And as one of the group members pointed out to me, everybody has ‘something’, everybody is different and has ‘negative’ things he or she needs to find ways to deal with. And of course it is completely irrelevant if it is a sickness or not: I am very unhappy and have been so most of my life and if these meetings, these steps can help me be more happy, then why not. On the contrary.

And what kept me going and what finally made me kind of participating now are the promises that are given. And somehow something seems to have changed, not a lot, but changed. As I think this is the first time in my life that I belong somewhere, that there is a group of people that just listen to me and seem to have similar feelings and maybe experiences. So isn’t that wonderful, having a feeling of belonging, having a group of people happy listening to you and you listening to them?

Yes, those twelve steps programs seem to be really powerful, as I understand there are many of them. So if there is something you want to deal with or improve, maybe you could look for such a group. And related to the people welcome in Codependents Anonymous are just people with the intention to have better relationships, with themselves and with others. And who wouldn’t want that?

And yes, alcoholism still scares me. But if you have problems with alcohol, and deep within you you know, then you may just participate in one of the programs or groups of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I guess that would be the same experience I have now: finally some kind of a solution for a problem I can’t solve on my own.

What was inspiring today?

I had a very bad mood today. And it started yesterday, or maybe even a few days ago. And normally I know ways to get out of that, to find some kind of happiness, but this time that didn’t work very well, until now.

And as this site is about inspiration, is about inspiring people, inspiring people for success, I thought the title “What was inspiring today?” a nice way to start, a way to somehow put my focus somewhere else, away from my bad mood, my bad feeling. But while writing this I feel the tension in my legs, a tension I dread very much, as that was a tension I felt for a long, long time in my previous relationship, when I knew there was something wrong, very very wrong, but didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to explain that to my partner, talk to my partner.

So yes, I see I am back with my bad mood, with the thing that is bothering me, really bothering me. So I know it is ‘relationship’.

So where to go from here? Am I writing for myself, somehow analyzing my problems, trying to find a solution through my writing? Or should I write for you, write something inspiring? As that is what you are supposed to come here for, for inspiration, for inspirational posts. And that is what is supposed to help, help make one happy, doing something for someone else, ‘giving’ to other people, helping other people. But until now ‘giving’ did not really make me happy, although I know things like smiling at someone else, to someone else, in 99% of the cases rewards you with a smile in return, indeed making one happy. But ‘giving’ to my partner has never made me happy and I hardly ever feel I am getting something in return. And don’t get me wrong, I know ‘giving’ doesn’t work like getting (something in return) for oneself.

And also helping people often doesn’t seem to work, as mostly it seems people don’t want my help, even though it is given by heart.

So often I ask myself if I am really ‘giving’, if I am really helping. Maybe the word ‘give’ means something else to me than to (most) other people. And maybe ‘helping’ something else than what I think it is.

And these kind of things have been bothering me for a long, long time. As I have the feeling I ‘give’ more than I see other people give. And I am very much into helping other people. And I read everywhere that you ‘reap what you sow’.

So if the last is true then I have sown very, very bad seeds all my life. As I feel like I am reaping just misery, lack and things like that. And people are not willing to help me, even if I ask them straight away. And people often want, expect, things from me I don’t have, like money.

And yes, I know I somehow make a mistake there, trying to give things I don’t have. And maybe not being clear enough about my needs; or asking the wrong people. And of course I am wondering if other people feel the same about me, that I don’t give them what they need, help them in a way they need. As if life is about balance, something like that must be the case.

So what was inspiring today? For me, I don’t know. I didn’t really feel inspired, I just had a bad mood and of course that reflected in everything that happened, in everything I did. As indeed I believe that is how the Universe works, that is how the Law of Attraction works.

And what was inspiring for you today? And would you be willing to share that? And would you be willing to let me know what I can ‘give’, what you would want to expect from me? And what help you would need from me? So my ‘giving’ and willingness to help would get some better results.