Tag Archives: Emotion

Change

I was very down today, and it started earlier this week when I gave in to my partner to invest again in some business venture of him, meaning we again have virtually nothing left, not even to pay our daily needs, while I just got going to stick with spending the money that is coming in. But the last decision was also kind of impossible to stick to anyhow as I decided to pay my health insurance and as basically not much money came in this month as a few customer projects have been delayed.

And somehow I see myself doing things over and over again, things that don’t seem to work. So I feel very tense and feel guilty about that, especially towards my partner, as I have the feeling he just wants me to be happy. But who doesn’t want to be happy?

And yes, some things are fun, like the progress of my new large crazy project, where I get some replies and there seem to be people supporting the idea. And my partner seems to be moving back to me, even though, again, there is money involved, money going to him, from me.

And today there was actually good news, as the damage related to a hard disk that broke down in one of my main computers was kind of limited, even though I can’t use a major database and I probably lost quite some movies.

So no real reason to feel so bad, except, yes, no money again. And actually that affects me a lot, as we can’t do shopping as usual, I can’t go out and indeed, we still don’t have a car or a new motorcycle, so it’s a bit of a hassle to go out, visit friends and such, even though as of the moment a friends car is available as she left it with my partner as she doesn’t need it right now.

Ah, yes, and nothing of the tricks I know, especially from Abraham Hicks, seems to work, like finding something to be happy about, finding something to be grateful about. But maybe indeed stick also with the idea that sometimes you are just limited in the areas of feeling range. Sometimes you are just stuck in an area where there is no real happiness, no real relaxation. Just tension and less tension. So maybe just look for the ‘less tension’.

Ah, and I didn’t even write the post I wanted to write. As I just wanted to write that I also need to change something with how to deal with Inspiration for Success, with this website. As I don’t feel I’m inspiring. And I’m certainly not inspired.

Breakdown

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Earlier tonight I had a complete breakdown as I found out that one of the hard disks on one of my main servers had disappeared, meaning it is probably broken. And that added to some problems that I experienced earlier with one of my servers using that same computer. And there is also another problem on my other main server with a disk, but as we don’t have so much budget I was not able to replace that yet. So yes, somehow I had in mind already to build a new server, but as I am working alone right now and everything is mostly working and most things are in duplicate I decided to take the risk and not push too hard on it.

But tonight I found that I could not use my main development environment, especially related to the Active Discovery Application Framework and that is kind of inconvenient, especially as my backup server also did not work, which I did not know before, even though I know my other main server is not as stable as I would like to.

So I was in a pretty bad mood and my partner had invited visitors for dinner. And I decided to join, but did not manage to put my (business) problems aside at that moment, so I felt pretty bad, or actually worse as I was not able to socialize as I wanted to.

So no matter all the stuff I know and have learned about emotions and looking for the positive and everything I just felt bad and felt guilty about it.

Ah, and on top of that I was confronted with the idea of joining a friend tomorrow to Zamboanga, a trip I really like, but today, tonight the timing just felt completely wrong. And there was something else, as my partner just made up with me, but he leaving for Zamboanga and I staying home (again) also didn’t add to a good mood.

So what is this thing of humans, that they just want to feel good and be happy and feel guilty if they just feel bad? What’s wrong with feeling bad anyhow, it’s just a feeling, isn’t it?

Anyhow, I did quite some things, like putting a paper in my ‘blockages’ box with the problem I encountered with the computer, looking for quotes about breakdown, still sharing my feelings with the group even though I know my partner hates me for that and more of those things.

So yes, just waiting and letting it (my bad mood) pass and just go back to my computer again and finishing my things made me also realize that most things are still working and that the problem right now is not as bad as i thought it was.

So relax.

P.S. Ah, and the strange thing was that I had a very good meeting this afternoon related to my big project. So I ‘should’ have felt good.

Before The Matrix

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Bound movie As far as I knew The Matrix was the first movie produced by the Wachowski Brothers, but I just found out that they made a movie before the Matrix Trilogy, the movie Bound. So when I found out of course I decided to download it, as The Matrix Trilogy is one of my most favorite movie experiences I have ever experienced, if not the best or at least most interesting movie experience ever. And every time I watch part of it I see something new. Like a few days ago, when I accidentally saw it on TV I realized that Smith says somewhere in the first Matrix movie that if Zion is destroyed he is going to be deleted. And I never realized that. And it is even the most basic foundations of the movie, programs being deleted, like humans going to die. And I never realized it also applied to Smith, so this gives a whole new dimension to the story for me. And believe me, I think I know the movies well and know many of the kind of hidden details and stories and philosophies and whatever, so seeing something new after seeing those movies so many times is exciting.

So I just watched it and it is a good movie with a very interesting plot. And the start reminded me a bit of The Matrix as the music sounds familiar, so probably they used the same composer.

And I thought I had nothing inspiring to share today, but it seems I still have, as my new discoveries, the discovery about Smith not being needed anymore if Zion is destroyed and this first movie of Wachowski Brothers is quite exciting to me.

And yes, I admire the Wachowski Brothers more and more, even now, as I have no clue how they pulled off something like The Matrix with so many angles from so many disciplines in life.

Starship Enterprise

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Starship Enterprise I was watching, kind of accidentally, an episode of the documentary Ancient Aliens. And just zapping a bit around I also ended up with one of the newer Star Trek movies. And of course that made me think about humanity, about being human. And what being human means. And also of course I was and am wondering when humans or humanity are really going to look for the stars as depicted in Star Trek and many other science fiction movies and books. As I guess in the end everybody will agree that humans somehow, some time, will leave earth and go explore the universe. And actually it is a bit strange to me that we don’t put more effort into that. As it seems that after we went to the moon in the nineteen sixties and nineteen seventies, nothing really happened anymore, nothing really beyond ‘the ordinary’, beyond more of the same.

And maybe I am wrong. Maybe there are people doing things beyond the ordinary, beyond improving existing stuff. But I don’t think so.

And yes, I think I wrote about this before. That humanity seems to have stopped really innovating, have stopped doing really exciting things, things really ‘out of the box’.

So yes where are the leaders giving us new ‘impossible’ goals, like John F. Kennedy and other politicians of the time did? And why aren’t we looking for them, choosing them?

Or do we really want just to play games, have the latest model TV or iPhone or car?

Where are the dreams? Where are the real human dreams, where are the real human dreamers?

Yes, yes, yes!

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This morning felt like ‘yes, yes, yes’ as I received two e-mails, e-mails indicating that I had reached two people I had been trying to connect to for quite a while right now. And the feeling reminded me of one of the teachings of Abraham Hicks, that you will know when something really arrives, when you are really living your dream or something. And it is a bit strange, as those e-mails were not that important and nothing really happened, nothing really changed. But they gave me this enormous feeling of fulfillment and I actually have no clue why, but somehow the Universe must have answered my prayers or is answering my prayers, makes all those things I and many others started come true.

And tonight another e-mail, with kind of a negative tone like ‘it cannot be done’, but also this e-mail made me very happy as it was a very serious e-mail with a lot of information and it made me feel like someone cared, someone else also wants to make something happen. And this last e-mail reminded me again that you can convert negativity in something positive, that failures and defeat can be stepping stones to success and fulfillment.

So yes, today was a great day. Thank you, Lord!