Tag Archives: Emotion

Today

Today was just another day. But while writing this, I realize, that a while ago I wanted a more ‘normal’ life. So at least the working for the last days has been back to ‘normal’, as I have more work at the moment than I can finish in a few days. And of course that’s a good sign. But still, I miss the budget to just go out, meet friends, have some small holiday. And somehow I believe life is supposed to be different, with more ups than I feel I have had.

But yes, it seems I’m on the right way though, even though I’m a romantic and still longing for that love and affection that I guess everybody is longing for. That would make life so much easier, and yes, actually it did for me. And yes, that’s also what Napoleon Hill states, that every successful person has this love type thing that drives him or her.

So how come we often mess up this love type thing? I still presume most people are the same like me, just looking to hold, to be held and have erotic and sexual experiences with their partner. But somehow that appears not be as easy as it sounds. Somehow emotions are standing in the way. As I don’t see that many relationships that really thrive, that really make both partners happy. And no, I somehow don’t agree with the statement that you need to be happy first yourself and that love and sex add just additional happiness, are just bonuses. I believe that people just need love (and sex) and affection. And that if those basic needs are not met, one cannot be happy, or at least it is not very easy to be happy. Of course unless one is into high level meditation and such.

So no, I don’t have all the answers. But recently I started to look more and more at my partner and started to try to understand him, even though often I’m fully lost with how he behaves and especially how he treats me. And some friend of mine often points out that it’s all about perception. And I think I’m understand a little more of the perception of my partner. And from that point of view it’s pretty logical how he reacts, what he does. And no, I don’t fully understand how he deals with some basic human needs. But it must mean there are some things in between that are larger than that. So these things must be pretty big. And maybe hurting him more than me.

Sad

Just sad.

Mamma Mia!

Mamma Mia!

Mamma Mia!Strange, everything starts with a thought. Or not, as in this case it was a CD that we played in the car of a friend that we used last week to go for a day trip to Iligan. So my thought came from something I heard, from something someone else had. So the CD was a soundtrack of the movie Mamma Mia!, or as far as I remember not the real soundtrack, but at least the songs from the movie. And this made me also play the songs from this movie on my computer as I downloaded it quite some time ago. And next to this I also decided to download the movie as I really like it and like to see it in high quality. So yesterday or so the download was finished, so tonight I decided to watch the movie. And right from the start it caused a lot of memories and emotions boil up. The first thing I noticed was that the music was of high quality, the ‘5.1 thing’ or something. So I decided to move the back speakers on the couch as I wanted to enjoy the full experience of the music, of the technical quality of the music. And the quality of the movie on the screen and the quality of the music made me realize that over the last decades somehow technology has progressed a lot. And that it is kind of a miracle that I can watch a movie on a TV with a resolution of 1920×1080 pixels in high quality sound with six speakers, six music channels. And I downloaded this movie for free over the internet, it is stored on the hard disk of a server somewhere in our office and it is streamed over the network in our house to the TV. And also the music I played earlier this week and that I am playing right now is stored on the hard disk of a computer and I think I also downloaded for free.

Memories

And this music means a lot to me, as my ex-partner was an ABBA fan and seeing this movie brings back a lot of memories from the trips we made together, especially to Berlin, when we played CD’s on the way in the car. And I remember those days as a very good time, as the time I enjoyed life the most, which was probably true when we first met, the first few years, the years that seem to bring back all those good memories. And the movie kind has the same subject, where Donna kind of goes back to ‘the good time’, which of course was also not  really a good time, in perspective. And I did like ABBA before as before I met Nico I also owned LP’s from them. And so many emotions came up watching this movie and even right now, as I’m still crying. One thing that came up, next to the holiday memories, was that Nico once said that most of the songs of ABBA are about lost love, about love that is over. And I never realized that before he said that, and after being confronted with that I was never able to listen to the music I did before. And the song mostly related to that is Our Last Summer, which at that time was just one of my favorite songs, somehow even ‘our’ ABBA song, the ABBA song I related to our relationship. And it is still one of my favorite songs, especially the version from the ABBA Teens and now also the version from Mamma Mia!. And somehow it is still related to my previous relationship in a positive way, as we were supposed to grow old together. But we didn’t, still weird.

Musical

Wow, and so many things in my head now. I just want to keep on writing, tell my story, tell everything that is in my head right now. Like that I really admire how someone was able to use those ABBA songs to make a musical out of it, where those songs fit so perfectly that you would almost believe they were written for it. But of course it must be the other way around and what amazes me most is that many songs are being used in a way different from their original meaning, their original context. And I always thought the musical was written by Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson but today I saw in the trailer that it was written by Catherine Johnson,

Growing (old?)

ABBAAnd it’s so weird to hear all those songs now, that were part of my growing up, my years as a teenager and a student, and later in the years of my first relationship. And weird that that is now so long ago and that things like ABBA mostly are only there for a relatively short number of years, where it was a big thing. And looking back a big thing for me as a teenager, as a student, where now I guess most younger people wouldn’t really know what ABBA is or was. And realizing now that the generation before me had other artists, other music they grew up with. Or not only music, but also other things. And that scares me sometimes, that I just prefer to use Windows XP on a standard computer with a 4:3 screen and don’t like to use a tablet or a mobile phone as a computer or to access things on the internet. And that goes even further, as I don’t like the recent structures for websites as these structures are more focused on mobile use with a relatively small touch screen and less for a computer with a mouse with a normal screen. So yes, somehow I’m starting to feel old, that there are things I’m just used to and comfortable with, where the younger generation seems to prefer other things. And no, not old in the sense of outdated or something or not willing to adapt to newer technology or something. Just old in the sense of being used to certain things and preferring not to change as the stuff I grew up with just suits me well and the newer stuff just does not suit me so well. But somehow weird, realizing to be of middle age and that there is a generation after me, that there are generations after me. And at the same time realizing that there were generations before me.

Amazing

And I know I am often complaining about things not working, especially recently my internet. But being an engineer and knowing a bit about statistics it is amazing where we have arrived as humanity, e.g. being able to produce a TV with 1920×1080 pixels where all those more than 2 million(!) pixels, screen areas are just working, for years, without ever one of them failing. And that’s only part of the story, because that same TV has quite some chips and cables and whatever is needed to produce an image on the screen and to produce sound we can hear, in the case of the movie I was watching tonight even six channel music. And a lot of software, developed by many, many people over many, many years.

And the strange thing of our time is that especially the digital stuff is practically for free, as it can easily be copied, not only from computer to computer, but also over the internet. And copying is already as old as I am, as when I was a teenager I copied music from the radio or borrowed LP’s or CD’s to cassette tapes. And computer programs from floppy disk to floppy disk. Or later from CD to CD. And right now from DVD to DVD.

And another strange thing is that many products are also very cheap, like you can’t imagine how anyone can earn from it (anymore). Which I guess is also true, as we produce very many things with machines and in places were labor is cheap.

Distribution

And related to that I was, and the last year(s) often am, thinking how all these things can be produced while at the same moment paying the people who make or do all those things a decent salary. And this is a subject I wrote about more and will write about more. As being a software developer I am also confronted with cheap labor as software can be developed anywhere in the world now, even though the same thing has been going on for decades or maybe even hundreds of years: growing international competition. And having grown up in an industrialized, Western country I was on the good side of all this. But now living in a so called developing country I also see the other side of ‘Western efficiency’. And looking at the world as a whole, at the world economy, I start to believe more and more that we need some kind of different model to distribute the wealth, to distribute everything that is available in the world, either being products, digital stuff or services. Although the last appears to be the easiest, although with my experience with large companies delivering service type products the efficiency model doesn’t seem to work so well.

And looking at my download of the movie Mamma Mia! or other movies, do I feel guilty? No, not really, especially as I guess it may be very hard to buy that movie locally in the same quality, although that is something worth checking. And in the end I guess I even prefer movies in digital format as they don’t take up space but just reside somewhere on a (very small) hard disk.

But yes, somehow this creates, must create a problem for the movie industry. And my main worry is that if the movie industry can’t earn enough, there won’t be new movies of high quality anymore. But somehow famous actors seem to be still very rich and also movie studios seem to do well.

But somehow I believe we need some other model, as the giving side as the receiving side both seem to suffer. No, maybe not on the highest level with the most famous, large companies. But on the middle and lower levels.

Let’s find a way!

So let’s find a way, as we are close to a time humanity has always striven for: having goods and services without having to work for it. And technically we can, so why not organize it in a way everybody can benefit from it?

Unreasonable and angry

My partner was just very angry and unreasonable and fortunately I was able to stay calm, even though I gave in in the end to something he wanted, even though I did not agree. And I always give in as I don’t know any other way (yet).

So I found myself kind of frustrated and also with some kind of withheld, even though slowly I see that this is just what he believes, his view how the world should be, like me supporting and serving him in everything. And I know in general I do much more than he does. And mostly I don’t mind as that’s how he feels (and I feel). But no, not easy if you feel there is so little coming back, that many of my needs are not being met.

But yes, I’m learning how to deal with things better. And my recent actions around planning, learning to plan, sticking to my daily plans, just doing the things I planned for today and not doing the things I planned for tomorrow or next week, help me. So yes, applying the principles of success like sticking to decisions and making a planning and writing things down and trying to listen to Infinite Intelligence, my inner voice, are slowly helping me to be more happy. As I guess in the end that’s what it’s all about.

So while sending my daily quote I played some music I liked. And I realized that this music, this kind of violent, aggressive music has been made by people who are ‘in flow’. So I saw the drummer and the singer and the mixer in my mind doing their thing, creating this beautiful thing they call music that I can play right here, just touching some buttons and dials. And I tried to suck in the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger of my partner an hour or so ago. And at  first I tried to let it flow,flow out again, but it made me even feel more empty. But then I realized I was just empty and that it was OK to just let it in, suck it in, filling up the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger and unreasonable demands of my partner. So apparently taking in anger takes energy, an enormous amount of energy.

And yes, I know that just giving anger in return, getting angry at the other person, especially with my partner, just will make things worse, like fighting fire with fire, which in general is not a good idea, although of course sometimes it can be an option.

So then, while resting a bit from work, I tried to find some diversion and thought I might just check quotes related to ‘deal with anger’. So I ended up in Google seeing something like:

“The first key to leadership was self-control, particularly the mastery of pride, which was something more difficult, he explained, to subdue than a wild lion and anger, which was more difficult to defeat than the greatest wrestler. He warned them that “if you can’t swallow your pride, you can’t lead”.” ― Jack Weatherford.

And it appealed to me so I went to quotes about anger management and found the quote I sent today:

“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Laozi.

And of course the ‘never angry’ is unreasonable, as humans are humans. And I guess I still have a lot of pride. But it seems I’m on the right way, becoming a better human being, maybe able to lead others to a better world and more happiness.

But it’s not always easy.

So what do you want to be? A leader or a follower?

Inspirational anger

Quintus Horatius FlaccusI mostly or virtually always try to control my anger (or emotions in general) and my anger especially because I have a partner who gets very angry easily and being angry in return just makes things worse in my experience. So I’m trying to keep my anger inside.

But today was the second time in a few months time where my anger was received positively or at least achieved a desired effect, so never being angry or never showing anger doesn’t seem to be the right thing to do always.

And the weird thing was it happened just after I sent my quote of today.

“The one who cannot restrain their anger will wish undone, what their temper and irritation prompted them to do.” – Horace

As I had been irritated for a few days as our water system was not working properly. And my partner had not been able to arrange someone to repair it, where he had indicated before that he would find someone. And if he wouldn’t have indicated that, I might have fixed it myself, or not, but then it would have been my choice.

And one of my major important things to start the day is taking a warm shower. As I am normally affected quite a lot by a morning mood, which will normally go away after I have taken my coffee, maybe had breakfast and then shave myself and take a shower.

But for a few days that had not happened as the water pressure was very low, which by the way affected many people as we had quite some visitors celebrating Christmas here. So I got more and more irritated over the last few days and I’m quite sure it showed to people as of course people feel that. And it kind of ruined part of my Christmas celebration, part of being part of the group of people celebrating Christmas with us.

So today, finally, my partner had arranged someone to repair the water system. And around five thirty I found out the water system had still not been fixed and the person supposed to repair it was doing other work. So I was very irritated and somehow also angry and showed it, which is often not a wise thing to do in The Philippines. But after showing him the real problem and asking him if I should be the one fixing it or he, he indicated he still wanted to do it.

And to my amazement thirty minutes later the problem was fixed. And it had not even been the annoying problem I thought it was. It was just as small clogging near the water filter very close to the house. So apparently a small fix and looking back the person supposed to fix it was not aware of the real problem, namely the water pressure on the second floor, meaning there was water on the ground floor, but not on the second floor.

So what I learned in life, and from the Principles of Success, is that you need to control yourself, need to be able to control your emotions. Which I kind of did, as I did not let myself or my anger go out of control. But I was angry and I showed it. And apparently that was the right thing to do.

So controlling your emotions doesn’t mean to fully hide them, it indeed means to control them, have some kind of control, so it won’t get out of hand. But showing them certainly seems to work, at least in this case.