I got this today or yesterday in my e-mail from one of the other inspirational type sites I signed up for:

And at least eight or nine apply to me, so based on this and what I know of similar lists is that I am richer than most people.

And I got an e-mail to me that made me think about rich and poor and way of thinking about rich and poor. As this e-mail related to someone who has a very good position in the government and probably never lost his job and always earned or had enough money to eat, to live.

So I saw myself sitting together with him, feeling very much lower than him. And my story fully not arriving, as this is probably a person that has just grown up, went to school, went to university, found a job and probably always just worked or had a husband or wife that also worked. And I have been there, so I know how it feels, I know how it is, even though most of the time in that situation I felt scared, scared of losing my job and indeed the money and security going with that in The Netherlands and I guess many other countries.

And I’m not trying to underestimate the problems this person probably also has. But me, especially the last one and a half years or so, feeling like having lost everything, not knowing what to do, at certain times no access to money that I could call my own, and yes, still in a privileged position, in practice probably still having a lot of capital as my part in our house.

But, looking back at my life and especially where I stand now, or at least until a few days ago, I’m confused. As I grew up very privileged. And was able to  obtain a Masters degree in University in The Netherlands, which I guess is quite something. And indeed, something not many people have.

And I grew up as the son of a tax inspector, someone very serious about law and such. And very honest. So I was very serious about law and such. And very honest. Looking back even too honest.

And now, looking at myself I’m confused. Because somehow I don’t care anymore. Somehow I can steal or will avoid the law and such and do my own thing, take care of myself first, in a very bad way, at least compared to how I grew up, to what I was taught, to what I believed.

And it’s probably my character, my personality, my communication skills or whatever that brought me into situations that finally fully brought me down. Even though, while writing this, I don’t like what I see, I don’t like what I did, don’t like how I feel about some things now. And somehow I want to get out, I want to do better, want to go back to those old beliefs where life was so simple, where right and wrong were so simple, where budgeting and living within your means were so simple. Just right and wrong.

And yes, I want this post to be inspiring, I want this post to give hope to people in a similar situation like me. But somehow I don’t know anymore and many of those self help sites and tips and teachings and instructions and guidelines I’m not sure if they apply to everybody in all situations in all locations in the world.

As I never understood why those people in need, those people dying from hunger in areas where there was no food, stayed in those areas. Same as I didn’t understand people living in earthquake zones and such.

And now I find myself in a house that’s way above my budget, with debts that are far beyond my imagination (to how I thought let’s say fifteen years ago) in an area where there are probably no suitable jobs for me and in an earthquake zone.

And yes, it’s my own ‘choice’. And I could choose to move, towards a place with ‘jobs’. And I could choose to sell the house.

And don’t get me wrong, I want this post to be inspiring. And yes, I want to solve all those ‘bad’ things, those things that are bad like ‘living above your means’. Or ‘not working hard enough’.

But here my age, my life experience and the time I still have to live starts to become an issue. As a reasonable period to pay off my debts would be something like ten years. Provided I have enough income. But this ‘reasonable’ would mean I wouldn’t ‘live’, I would just live to pay my debts and have nothing left to have some fun. And that’s weird if you’re fifty, having had a quite good life when having a good job, having had quite a good life still having money from a previous life and still trying to have a good life when everything was gone.

So basically my ‘reasonable choice’ would be to cut my expenses, try to find a job or something to earn a little or a lot more than my debt service and interest payments and live my life like that for ten or twenty years. And then I would be somewhere between sixty and seventy.

Doesn’t sound appealing, although you could still live a good life when being sixty or seventy and enjoy life for another ten or twenty years after having paid your debts. And yes, it would morally probably feel good.

And I didn’t make any decision yet, but somehow the above scenario doesn’t sound right. It doesn’t sound like ‘fun’, it doesn’t sound like ‘living’. And I still believe also life should be ‘lived’, not ‘survived’.

And this whole story reminds me of the lost son,the story in the bible. And the good son didn’t understand why the father was so happy that the bad son was back. But i’m starting to understand. And I’m starting to believe that people should have a new chance, start clean, whether financially or criminal.

So how would we do that?

Or is there still something else?

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