Tag Archives: Codependency

Laguna

Wow, a hell of a trip yesterday. But finally I do what I want, no matter what other people think or say. And it feels great. Or at least I am learning to do that, be more myself, do what is best for me, not focusing on what other want or I think what others want.

And that is very hard for me to do, being a codependent, as I see more and more how I am outward focused, not inward. Very strange to experience, realize, that the first thing I do when I am about to make a decision is scanning the environment about what other people would think, adapt to them or what I think they want me to do. So indeed, the human mind is a weird, wonderful thing, but if it is programmed the wrong way, or let’s say a not so convenient way, strange things happen, and nobody is happy.

So what did I do? Well, I traveled all the way from Laoag to Laguna in kind of one trip, with only one stop, or actually two. And the day before I did my day trip to Pagudpud, just seeing what I wanted to see. And I guess nobody would really want to travel like I do, in this very high paced way, but I like it, I love it, and I saw what I wanted to see, did what I wanted to do. And maybe the most crazy thing was passing by Baguio, in the middle of the night, just making a very short stop at the bus station, to change vehicle, from van to bus. And the reason to pass by Baguio was also weird, but it was my decision, even though it was kind of related to what other people think, as I wanted to be able to say I had been to Baguio. And as I had not passed by Baguio this trip I decided to just pass by Baguio on the way back, making quite some detour costing me quite some hours, probably even six or eight, which is quite a lot, especially in the middle of the night with nothing much to see.

And it is strange how things come to me, how the Universe is responding to me, helping me lately. And yes, it is all about me, I am the one who changed, not the Universe. It appears I am more open to listen to signals, hints, given to me in all kinds of ways. And I am asking more things, trusting people more, learning to trust. And that is a big thing to me, as it seems I never really trusted anybody, saw everybody as my enemy, which of course in general is not the case, or maybe never.

Arrival with van in Banaue.
Arrival in Banaue

The great thing during my travel from Laoag to Laguna was that I arrived in Banaue around 1 pm and found that the next option to continue to Baguio was at 5.30 pm. And at first I was annoyed, as I just wanted to continue as I wanted to reach Manila somewhere in the evening, but then I realized the Universe gave me the option to explore Banaue for a few hours, something that exactly matches what I like to do, how I like to explore a place like Banaue. So I roamed around for a few hours, saw everything I wanted to see, had lunch, and finally returned to the van and waited there for a while, having some nice conversations with the driver, some passengers and some other people around. So I got more than I expected, and even more later, as I realized I did not need to, want to go to Manila anymore, as there was nothing there for me that day. So I just continued to my next stop, my next destination, a friend in Laguna, where I arrived around ten in the morning, a perfect time to arrive, having skipped an overnight stay in Manila, saving me a lot of hassle and the cost for an overnight stay.

Banaue.
Banaue

And I feel like writing more now, but also this will be an unfinished post for now, as I want to do something else.

To be continued…

Self analysis, question 28

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Am I really different?

Today I was in a meeting from Coda and it made me realize that I may need that type of support more than I want to know. And that it may take more effort than I want or think to get out of this mess I am in. And I keep wondering if I am that different, if most other people indeed have a more balanced life than I have, as most people I know I guess presume I have a pretty good life living in a big house and such. And I guess I am happy living in a big house and still having some of the good things of life like having decent food including snacks and junk food and a nice TV and such. But the price has been high, especially the last few years as I hardly earned anything and neither did my partner, so we got into more and more debt which makes me feeling more and more uncomfortable, especially as my partner keeps throwing out money by the hundreds of thousands of pesos, this time to invest in a new project, a project he really believes in, so again I allowed him, as this time it may be different.

So why am I doing it? Well, I basically have no clue, except that it makes me very uncomfortable, for a long, long time already. But as I have less and less confidence in my own earning power I kind of gave up and this time I kind of threw to him that I don’t know anymore and that I hoped he could take over and do better than me.

What about privacy?

And I shouldn’t be writing about this as it is pretty private and mostly my partner will get unimaginably angry and blame me for sharing things like this to others. And in a way he is right as I also prefer to keep this type of stuff within the relationship. But as I don’t feel supported by my partner and as I am the one who borrowed, or more recently basically stole the money, I have no clue where to go, no one to talk to about these things, no place to go where I could find some kind of comfort.

Blame the other

And somehow I keep blaming my partner, but I also know I am responsible for my own actions, but I just can’t seem to help what is happening, what I am doing, that I keep giving in, even though I believe it is wrong. And I guess that is exactly the codependent pattern I have been reading about for quite a while now.

And again, I keep wondering how other people deal with these kinds of situations. I keep asking myself why I am so much more different, so much more wrong than ‘others’. How did I learn this type of behavior and maybe more important, how do I get out of it? As it (still) feels like something that is out of my control, which maybe is true, if I can believe the things being said about codependency.

But the above is not what I wanted to write about, although the idea of Higher Power as introduced in Twelve Step Programs seems pretty similar to the idea of Infinite Intelligence of Napoleon Hill.

Self analysis

Enough about my personal struggle I guess, but somehow all these programs and stuff including the self analysis questions of Napoleon Hill seem to be related. And aren’t we all looking for the same thing or the same things in the end, like what am I doing here and where will I go and how can I be happy?

So let’s move to today’s question: “Do you make deliberate use of autosuggestion to make your mind positive?”. And I guess the answer is that I don’t do that enough, at least not recently. As recently I have been overwhelmed again by all my fears and trying to fix everything by working hard, by ‘doing’, even though e.g. today I found a bit more peace and decided to NOT finish my daily planning and go back to my feeling, do the things that felt good (and not do the things that didn’t feel good). And it gave me some peace, even though I felt a bit, or even a lot, guilty that I didn’t push through with the discipline and habits I have been so proud of recently, or at least the end of 2014 and the beginning of 2015.

The unseen

This whole exercise does make me see that it may be much more important to pay more attention to and put more time into things like meditation, read autosuggestion. And indeed go back to ‘God’ or ‘Life Force’ or Infinite Intelligence, as somehow the answers may lie there and not in my (own) strength or willpower or discipline or whatever.

As without Gods will, and please read God like any Higher Power that feels good to you, somehow things don’t work, won’t succeed.

So what do You want me to do?

Tired and confused

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I am tired as I was out most of the day and found only little time for myself. And now this post is the last thing of the day and I don’t really feel like writing it as, again, I’m tired and just want to go to bed and sleep.

And I just got annoyed as I got a reply to a personal e-mail with kind of the message how co-dependent I am and pointing to the page co-dependency. And I recognize most of the stuff and to most of the questions my answer is ‘yes’. So I must be pretty codependent. But it makes me angry, as who is to decide that my behavior is not okay? Do I need to be ‘average’ and does averageness make one happy or more happy?

And yes, I know I am unhappy, very unhappy, very unsatisfied with my life. But what would be this program or advice be different from any other?

So again and again I am reading I am doing things wrong, which translates to me as that it’s all my fault and that I should ‘change’, whatever ‘they’ want me to do. And yes, I read everywhere that my intentions are good, so what should I do? Go for bad intentions? And you think I don’t consider that? You think I don’t know how to get what I want by threatening people or something (‘they’ call it setting limits, but to me it’s just threatening people, using power). Or just go and steal stuff I want and need? Yeah, of course I would find ways to get what I want, of course I know ways.

But until now I still prefer to go for the ‘good’, do the things that feel right to me, even if it hurts me.

Saying no

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The more I learn about codependency the more I realize I need to do something. And it seems nobody can do it for me. And they say it’s not easy. And it isn’t, as it indeed seems other people don’t see or realize what is going on, it seems I am indeed acting ‘weird’. As today I said ‘no’ to someone and he kept going on with what I felt like he was just annoying me. And yes, I know I have spoiled this person with always giving in. And he has a very strong will and he is very sociable and it seems I’m not. And the strange thing is it seems he can get away with anything. And I feel I can’t, or maybe don’t want to.

So how we teach each other things in a gentle way, without breaking things, without blackmail. And it is so easy to say to cooperate, negotiate or compromise, but how do you do that when the other person appears to be completely unreasonable?

Anyhow, I am starting to learn that ‘no’ is indeed a complete sentence. And that I don’t need to have excuses of feel guilty when saying now, when I just don’t want something. But it’s not easy.

So I just want to share the following ‘quote’ I found when searching for my daily inspirational quote for today:

“No is a complete sentence and so often we forget that.

When we don’t want to do something we can simply smile and say no.

We don’t have to explain ourselves, we can just say “No”.

Early on my journey I found developing the ability to say no expanded my ability to say yes and really mean it.

My early attempts at saying no were often far from graceful but with practice even my no came from a place of love.

Love yourself enough to be able to say yes or no.”

Susan Gregg

Christmas eve

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It is Christmas Eve here, but I don’t feel like making posts about Christmas or send Christmas quotes, although the fireworks here just fifteen minutes ago made me search for a fireworks quote. I couldn’t find an inspirational though, so I decided to send something else.

Ah yes, and that brought me to forgiveness, something I still have a lot of difficulty with. But that may be related to my codependency, as I understand I need to learn to accept mistakes or something. And today I participated in a meeting of Codependents Anonymous, which at first scared me a lot as it makes me think of alcoholism as it is related to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one of the fears I had was ‘being sick’ as I don’t consider myself sick. And of course alcoholism scares me, as I guess it does many people, as it is no fun being an alcoholic or dealing with one. I had a friend once who was alcoholic and it was terrible to see what was going on. And I couldn’t do anything, I really felt powerless. As I found out that just throwing the alcohol away didn’t make any difference. Or even talking about it or asking my friend to throw it away, which he may have done at that moment, but I don’t remember the details.

But slowly I am starting to see the benefits of participating and indeed admitting to myself and to the group “I am Guus and I am codependent”, as that is how you are supposed to start to share. And it took me a while as ‘I am not just codependent’ and I don’t like labels, any labels, and certainly not of some weird sickness. But somehow I got there and I am starting to see the reason to start sharing like that. As somehow it is very liberating to admit something in that way because then you can start dealing with it. And of course it doesn’t mean something like “I am only co-dependent”. And as one of the group members pointed out to me, everybody has ‘something’, everybody is different and has ‘negative’ things he or she needs to find ways to deal with. And of course it is completely irrelevant if it is a sickness or not: I am very unhappy and have been so most of my life and if these meetings, these steps can help me be more happy, then why not. On the contrary.

And what kept me going and what finally made me kind of participating now are the promises that are given. And somehow something seems to have changed, not a lot, but changed. As I think this is the first time in my life that I belong somewhere, that there is a group of people that just listen to me and seem to have similar feelings and maybe experiences. So isn’t that wonderful, having a feeling of belonging, having a group of people happy listening to you and you listening to them?

Yes, those twelve steps programs seem to be really powerful, as I understand there are many of them. So if there is something you want to deal with or improve, maybe you could look for such a group. And related to the people welcome in Codependents Anonymous are just people with the intention to have better relationships, with themselves and with others. And who wouldn’t want that?

And yes, alcoholism still scares me. But if you have problems with alcohol, and deep within you you know, then you may just participate in one of the programs or groups of Alcoholics Anonymous. As I guess that would be the same experience I have now: finally some kind of a solution for a problem I can’t solve on my own.