Tag Archives: Life

Birthday

I didn’t know what to write today. And I didn’t really feel like writing also, as I’m tired and a bit out of inspiration. And I just finished watching the movie Inception, a movie I really like, just to watch, but also because of it’s kind of deep background, as most good movies have. And it’s about virtual and reality, things we don’t really know how it fits together. As somehow of course reality, the reality we all experience, doesn’t exist. So again, I wanted to write about the famous and not so famous, but still somehow known actors, about ‘success‘.

So before writing my post for today I was thinking about what quote to send today. And while doing that I ended up in Facebook, and of course saw the things that a good friend of mine wrote about her son, writing that it is her son’s birthday today, or actually that it was her son’s birthday today. And she posted a part of a poem he wrote. And I didn’t know he was a poet, but I thought it was a beautiful poem. So I decided to use a part of that poem as my daily quote, just because I thought it was a nice thing to share, but also to honor him. And I was a bit scared as I didn’t ask for permission to do that. But I also didn’t want to ask, as that didn’t feel good. So I decided to send the quote and also publish it in our Facebook page as I often do. And to share that post with my friend, so she would know. And fortunately she liked it, so I guess with taking the risk I did the right thing.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. I wanted to write about the strangeness of life, where it seems that in our deepest downs or in death or in suffering we achieve the greatest things. As e.g. this whole site, the project Inspiration for Success started with one of the deepest downs in my life. And I’m not sure if it adds a lot of value already to people, but I do know some people like, or maybe appreciate, the quotes I send daily. And right now, the sharing of these parts of the poem of Andrei Brian Ramos, started with most probably a lot of pain that my friend must be feeling today, not having her son around anymore. And the fact that he is not with us anymore put more attention than usual to his poem.

So strange, how life works. As in the end we all live on in some kind of way, even after we die. In the end we all contribute something to ‘life’, in the end indeed life is something continuous, something we are all part of, something forever, something infinite.

So yes, let’s celebrate life, as we are here, as we experience it, as we contribute, while we contribute. And let’s celebrate all life before us, that made life as it is now. And let’s celebrate our contribution to life, no matter what it is or how big or how small it appears. As it’s all ‘life’.

What a miracle, what a wonder.

Lessons in love

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“All the dreams that we were building, we never fulfilled them; could be better, should be better; lessons in love“. That was the song I just played. And I don’t know exactly why. I just like the song, the melody and never really thought about the text.

And while playing it, as my partner left around a week ago very angry and didn’t come back yet, I was wondering, am still wondering what it is that makes love, especially love in a love type relationship, so hard, at least to me, and obviously to my partner. But I know that I’m not the only one, as most relationships I know a bit more about, like the relationship of my parents, are not that easy and certainly mostly not ‘loving’.

And I thought a lot about what is happening with me, with me and my partner, with my relationship. And I can’t figure out what to do different to make it better, to make it a joyful, loving and powerful relationship. And yes, somehow I know I am pleasing my partner too much. But how can you please someone ‘too much’, especially if it is your partner, the person who is closest to you, the person you want to share your life with, the person you want to build a life together with, the person you have built a life together with.

And it feels like it’s all about my partner, that he is ‘wrong’. But observing him and listening to him he must feel the same way, as he always tells me I am wrong. So are we feeling and thinking the same, just blaming each other? And where are the good times, the times when we just met, the years after, the years we were building?

And they say you can only change yourself. But, and I wrote about that before I guess, ‘I have to change’ implies something like I’m not good enough. And again, that is the same I think about my partner, as I want him to change, so somehow I’m implying he’s not good enough.

But wait, that’s not true. I love my partner how he is, for who he is. Or not, as I’m not happy? And what is it exactly what I want? Yeah, well, have a relationship as I always had it in mind, like the sexual thing, the hugging and kissing and the warmth of holding each other at night. And the sex of course, like a few times a week, or per month if I’m not in the mood. And building something together, a house, a household, travel together, have holidays together. And I thought that’s also what he wanted, but looking back of course I never really asked him that. But we did those things together. And it was not all perfect, but we did. And we even started a business together. But then things started to go ‘wrong’, in business. And then the money was gone and we couldn’t move anymore. And then he withdrew from everything, blaming me for everything that went wrong.

And I guess I was to blame, I was responsible, especially when looking back, now, I realize more of that, of my mistakes and my responsibility in what went wrong. But I still don’t understand why I need to take all the blame. And I don’t understand why he stopped helping, supporting, finding ways, finding money, finding customers. Or maybe I do, knowing him, his character a bit more now.

So yes, maybe that is the answer, that I need to take charge, that I need to do ‘everything’. As he just can’t, just can’t seem to handle all of this, all that went wrong the last few years business wise, money wise. And even for me it was hard, it still is hard. But somehow I will keep moving, no matter what. And so maybe somehow he can’t.

But not easy, as I need so much his love, his sex. That would make things, make life so much easier for me (and for the both of us I think). But somehow he can’t, it seems, it must be.

And giving up, leaving? No, that’s no option. As I still believe in lifetime relationship in “until death do us part”, no matter what. As we both deserve a happy love and sex life, a happy relationship.

What about you?

The train driver

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So there is this train moving with incredible speed and power. And it is carrying a lot of passengers. And all or most of the passengers are very happy on this trip as it is kind of a holiday trip they were invited on. However, the driver of the train is not really happy, even though the trip is actually part of one of his biggest dreams. And seeing all those happy people in the train of course he doesn’t want to spoil their fun, especially this type of thing is basically the reason why he is on the train. And how much he would like to be happy and be part of the fun. But until now he didn’t find a way to tell the passengers of the train that he had to pay for the maintenance of the train and the fuel for the trip. And that how much he would like to enjoy joining the fun his train still is being needed for other trips, other passengers. And that this trip is a big burden for him. As even though he is the owner of the train and very happy and proud to have it, the last few years he didn’t have enough passengers to even pay the mortgage to the bank, let alone the fuel for this trip or the maintenance of the train.

And the passengers were just invited for this trip. And some are poor and wouldn’t be able to pay for the trip. But others are rich and could easily pay for the fuel and maybe even a little for the maintenance of the train.

So how would this train driver tell the passengers how much he would love to just invite them, just pay the fuel and the maintenance of the train. And of course just let them enjoy the train. But sometimes life just doesn’t work like that, sometimes fuel and maintenance just have to be paid.

And no, he just didn’t find a way yet how to deal with this. And he also doesn’t want to hurt anybody or spoil the fun. But inside he is just hurting. As what is happening seems to be unfair. And that is not easy to hide. But most of the passengers just don’t know, can’t know. And they probably feel something is wrong. And that indeed will spoil part of the fun. But how would the train driver let them know what is going on? Especially as this is just all that he wants?

So he feels trapped, trapped between bad choices. As keeping quiet and pretending will hurt, will spoil the fun. As feeling hurt and showing happiness at the same time is virtually impossible. And opening up will hurt in a different way.

So what would the train driver do? Any suggestions where everybody, literally everybody will be happy, happy on this trip that is created to enjoy, have fun?

Anticlimax

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I had a big issue with the website of one of my customers as due to some bugs in the website code there were a lot of copies of the images in that website taking up quite a lot of disk space. And as I regularly download backups of everything I host in data centers this was, in combination with my internet problems, quite a problem for me.

As this was quite a large job and needed to be done with care it took me a while to start with it, but about one or two weeks ago I found time to start with it. But as the problem was a bit complicated I was not able to finish it in one working segment. So I planned another and another, not pushing myself too much as, again, it was a job to be done with care as a mistake might cost me a lot of time to solve. As one of the risks was that the photo’s would be gone, meaning I would have to upload them from a backup in the office to the hosting server. And that would take a lot of time, as for these type of things internet speed is pretty slow.

Anyhow, today I was kind of committed to finish this project, but it took me still quite some time to get all the bugs out of this small program to delete some stuff that was not needed anymore. Ah, and it was about thousands of photo’s, so not something you would do manually and also quite complicated to check.

So after finally running my last tests on my local system I decided to upload, do one test run (without making changes) and after that looked okay run the final program and solve the problem.

And I was amazed, as the test run was very fast, like a hundred or a thousand times faster than my test runs. It was like a few seconds. And the final run I expected to be slower as it involved quite some data,but no, that was also fast, like a few seconds.

And it really felt like an anticlimax. As I had spend hours, days to create this program. And it just ran for a few seconds and that was the end of it. And to be honest I felt disappointed. Somehow I still expected problems to be solved after running the program or still having problems with the data not properly converted or deleted.

But no, in a few seconds, imagine even over the internet, the program had done its job and the project was finished and the problem was solved. And I didn’t feel satisfied or proud or happy; no, actually I felt dissatisfied and disappointed. And I still feel like that.

So what weird mechanism is working here? I should(?!) feel satisfied and happy and proud as I had solved a major problem that had haunted me for months. And yes, looking back I know I spent the time and the effort to make the program do what it was supposed to do. So I have all reason to be satisfied. And apparently all my testing paid off, as the bugs came out while testing, not in the final run, as it should.

But I had expected some kind of ‘booooom’. Or at least the program running for a few minutes. And I think the last was the major thing, that the final run was just so fast. And then it was over. And the program is never to be ran again. And that’s what I spent hours and days on.

And I know somehow this is very common when achieving success by working for it. Like I often read that ‘success’, that winning in sports for example, is in the training, in the preparation. Not in the game itself, the game that is also often only hours or maybe even parts of an hour.

But still weird, this feeling I had today. And I also still don’t know what to learn from it,even though there are quotes in my mind like the journey is more important than the goal. And I also know from riding a bicycle climbing mountains in the end it’s about the climb, not about the going down. As also there the climb is hours and hours, and the going down is often less than an hour.

But seconds versus hours and days? That’s still weird.

Something goals and definite purpose

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Well, that’s one of the assignments I gave myself today, something about goals and definite purpose. And I’m not fully sure why, although of course I do. As somehow my direction is not clear at the moment. Or maybe it’s more that there are some things I don’t know how to do, how to get. Or maybe better use the word receive instead of get.

And I guess one of my main issues is that I still believe that you get things, whether money or something else, that you have to work for it, do things for it, in a kind of negative way, in a way that you wouldn’t like to do it. So why would that be? And yes, it’s something most people believe, it’s something most people, or maybe even all people, in the world of today grew up with. And it’s one of the things that is contrary to the teachings of Abraham Hicks.

Ah, and there is another reason I wanted to do ‘something goals and definite purpose‘ as I notice more and more that many or most people don’t know what they want. And that I have the feeling most people don’t care about the things I want, the things I’m concerned about. Like I am very concerned about poverty and many things ‘wrong’ in The Philippines. And somehow Filipino’s themselves don’t seem to care, don’t seem to want to do something about it. And I can’t figure out why as at the same time I have the feeling people here do want ‘more’ and ‘right’ and ‘better’.

So is it just communication, my social skills? Maybe, as many people have told me my communication skills are not so good, all my life. But I’m starting to doubt that.

Or don’t people just want to do the effort to bring change, make things better? Or they don’t know how to support me, don’t know what I need? Or they just don’t know what I want, don’t understand me?

So while writing this maybe my short therm goal should be to figure out why people are not concerned about the things I am concerned about, want to change, want to change.

So if you can tell me more about that, please let me know. As I believe life can be better, especially in The Philippines, especially in a material way, material in the sense of improving quality of life in general.