Tag Archives: Receiving

Unreasonable and angry

My partner was just very angry and unreasonable and fortunately I was able to stay calm, even though I gave in in the end to something he wanted, even though I did not agree. And I always give in as I don’t know any other way (yet).

So I found myself kind of frustrated and also with some kind of withheld, even though slowly I see that this is just what he believes, his view how the world should be, like me supporting and serving him in everything. And I know in general I do much more than he does. And mostly I don’t mind as that’s how he feels (and I feel). But no, not easy if you feel there is so little coming back, that many of my needs are not being met.

But yes, I’m learning how to deal with things better. And my recent actions around planning, learning to plan, sticking to my daily plans, just doing the things I planned for today and not doing the things I planned for tomorrow or next week, help me. So yes, applying the principles of success like sticking to decisions and making a planning and writing things down and trying to listen to Infinite Intelligence, my inner voice, are slowly helping me to be more happy. As I guess in the end that’s what it’s all about.

So while sending my daily quote I played some music I liked. And I realized that this music, this kind of violent, aggressive music has been made by people who are ‘in flow’. So I saw the drummer and the singer and the mixer in my mind doing their thing, creating this beautiful thing they call music that I can play right here, just touching some buttons and dials. And I tried to suck in the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger of my partner an hour or so ago. And at first I tried to let it flow,flow out again, but it made me even feel more empty. But then I realized I was just empty and that it was OK to just let it in, suck it in, filling up the energy that had gone out while taking in the anger and unreasonable demands of my partner. So apparently taking in anger takes energy, an enormous amount of energy.

And yes, I know that just giving anger in return, getting angry at the other person, especially with my partner, just will make things worse, like fighting fire with fire, which in general is not a good idea, although of course sometimes it can be an option.

So then, while resting a bit from work, I tried to find some diversion and thought I might just check quotes related to ‘deal with anger’. So I ended up in Google seeing something like:

“The first key to leadership was self-control, particularly the mastery of pride, which was something more difficult, he explained, to subdue than a wild lion and anger, which was more difficult to defeat than the greatest wrestler. He warned them that “if you can’t swallow your pride, you can’t lead”.” ― Jack Weatherford.

And it appealed to me so I went to quotes about anger management and found the quote I sent today:

“The best fighter is never angry.” ― Laozi.

And of course the ‘never angry’ is unreasonable, as humans are humans. And I guess I still have a lot of pride. But it seems I’m on the right way, becoming a better human being, maybe able to lead others to a better world and more happiness.

But it’s not always easy.

So what do you want to be? A leader or a follower?

Iwa

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Be careful with what you hate or don’t want:

Iwa

You may get it.

Sweet isn’t she?

Music

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Recently I started playing music again, mainly because for a year or so now we have a sound system again after the other sound system broke down. And everything I use it I think of that I/we can’t actually afford it and that buying a 3D TV again was kind of stupid, but still, I enjoy the TV and the sound system a lot, or actually the sound system as I always liked to play music, loud music.

And recently I often play music from my student years, but also from the nineties, which I consider actually my best time as then I traveled the world and we went long weekends to Berlin and Paris and such. And somehow that was a good time, even though also then I had problems, especially during my student time I had big problems. And in my relationship, when I traveled the world, there was also some deep underlying problem that finally caused the relationship to collapse.

And playing the music brought back memories, together with just enjoying the music and some new insights like how much ‘organized effort’ is behind just one recording, behind one CD, behind a tour of a band. And how different times are now, how different I am now. And somehow I miss that time, as things were much clearer, rules were much clearer, life was much clearer. In the eighties and nineties I still had just my dreams on times getting better, getting better jobs, getting more money, things improving over time. And that was also my perception of life, that if you just did your best, if your intentions were (are?) good, that everything was just OK, everything would just be OK.

And right now I don’t know anymore. I don’t really know anymore what’s right and wrong. I don’t really know anymore what I’m supposed to do from a worldly point of view. As ‘work’ and ‘money’ or ‘wealth’ were supposed to be just a part of life, were just things you didn’t really think about, even though I had some bad experiences with work. But at that time my ideas didn’t really changed. I believed that if you just pushed through and just did your best, in terms of this site if you just followed the Principles of Success, everything would be OK, at least in the material world. But it isn’t it wasn’t. Somehow the rules changed. Somehow life is different now than at that time. And I still can’t figure out what and how and what I’m supposed to do or even could do to get those things back that I enjoyed and kind of dreamed about, still dream about.

And I have the feeling I’m complaining again as many people seem to experience with me. But that’s not my point. I’m just trying to find my way in life, just as you are trying to find your way in life and life doesn’t suit me, doesn’t fit me, as probably it doesn’t suit you, doesn’t fit you, although of the last of course I can’t be sure. As many people still somehow seem to fit in and don’t struggle as much as i do. But I’m not sure.

And my partner is always complaining that I’m talking about ‘me’. And other people also do. And what I’m reading in most articles and self help books and quotes is that you first need to focus on others, first help others. And that seems to work as most of the people writing that stuff seem to be successful, at least more successful than I am. But it just doesn’t feel right, as to me it mostly feels there is not enough coming back to me, that I’m giving and giving and giving and there is not enough coming back. That the balance is gone. So maybe indeed follow what some people in the same range of articles and blogs and quotes say, that you should also take care of yourself. Or think of what the bible state, love the other the same as you love yourself. It does not state love the other more than yourself or take care of the other more than you take care of yourself. And that’s what I often do, at least that’s how it feels to me. That I do more for others than I do for myself. And that I do more for others than they do for me, where I somehow deep inside believe there should be balance.

But while writing this I also think again about what was in my head when I started to write this article. And that was that when listening to my music tonight I realized that in that simple playing of music an awful lot of stuff is going back to me, is given to me. The effort of the writer or writers who wrote the song. The effort of the band or the singer to sing the song and play the music. The whole history of TV making, CD making, computer making, internet and whatever else is involved in playing this music from my hard disk. That all is available to me, is coming to me, coming back to me.

And that’s awesome. And at such a moment I want to give back. But then it seems nobody wants what I have to give, what I can give. And then I’m kind of back to square one in my thinking, in my guilt not being able to afford all those things. But on the other hand, it’s just there and somehow it’s given to me, no matter how and what. So better enjoy it.

Clarity

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Nice, having one of the team members visiting, for two reasons. The first because I just enjoy philosophizing a bit in general and of course about Inspiration for Success, about what I want to achieve, in life, for the world. And second because this was the time to ask him why he and the other team members don’t spend any time on the project anymore, at least not any visible effort. And part of the answer was because the project doesn’t pay now, there is no financial return as of the moment. And that amazed me a bit as I though I never promised any quick return and certainly no money as I thought each of the team members knows or could have know I don’t have money to invest, at least not for this project, even though it may be even the most important project in my life as of the moment.

And on my question why he has not fulfilled his promises, like writing monthly a certain amount of content, the answer was basically the same: I am not being paid for this, so this has low priority. And this answer amazed me a bit as to me a promise is a promise, while to him apparently a business promise (with contract and payment and such) is a promise and a non-business promise is, well, I don’t know, but something that can be broken relatively easy. And this surprised me, as to me a promise is a promise, whether business or private. And I don’t make so much difference between business and private.

And somewhere during the conversation we came to talk about some business problem I have, which has some similarities with the team issues in Inspiration for Success as I don’t understand why the customer doesn’t make a decision, while in my opinion he is putting his business in danger by having a kind of undefined situation with his website, basically meaning I could cut him off any moment if I want to, which would put him in a very difficult position as his business is, at least in my opinion, in a large part dependent on his website. But somehow he doesn’t seem to realize, where e.g. my team doesn’t seem to realize that my commitment on receiving one million dollar for each of the team members on or before October 19, 2014 was and still is a very serious statement and commitment, which in my opinion was also my ‘giving’ part of the business deal for their effort for Inspiration for Success, especially for their activities, their promises for contributing regularly to the website.

And suggestion of my team member today related to my issue with this customer was just to make a clear statement and ask him to make a decision as I am fully lost what this customer wants from me while I have the feeling I gave him everything and more and have the best solution for him, while at the moment his is even shopping around for other solutions, which business wise does not make any sense to me for all kinds of reasons (and I think I know what I’m talking about here). But maybe my team member was right, maybe it is just not clear to him where he stands. Maybe I was and am not clear enough.

And the same may apply to my team, to my team members. Maybe I was not clear enough about my statement about the one million dollar each, where today I heard they probably didn’t believe it. And yes, I can imagine they don’t believe it, but my statement was very serious and my related desire document was also very serious, even though the last few weeks, months I didn’t read it aloud anymore. But yes, today’s conversation made clear I need to take these things seriously again myself. And be more clear what I want and what I stand for.

So also question to you: are you clear and do you know what you stand for? And do other people know?

Listening and understanding

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My partner keeps hammering on me that I don’t understand, that I lack understanding. And he keeps telling me that I’m wrong, that I’m doing it wrong and that I need to change. And that the whole problem is ‘me’, something like me being me.

So what to do, what to do next. Lately I have been ‘allowing’ him to be him more according to the teachings of Abraham Hicks. So I’m not complaining so much anymore about things he does and things he wants. But deep inside I keep hearing this little voice telling me “yes, but what about me?”. As somehow it seems and feels like that I’m allowing my partner a lot more than myself. And it drains me, it drains my energy. But also according to Abraham Hicks it is indeed me who has to change, or at least I read something like “…it’s not her…”.

And somehow all of this goes back to beliefs, to my beliefs, like “you reap what you sow” and “who does well, will meet well” and things like that. And maybe the beliefs “you can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself” and “if you want to change the world start with yourself”.

All very wise and nice sayings, but I can’t do so much with them, at least they were somehow not confirmed in my life, or maybe they were, but not in a way I like and I don’t know what to do to change it, to change my life. But again, I hear Abraham Hicks say that you should be happy here and now, not somewhere else.

But my inner voice keeps telling me that I cannot be that bad a person in the sense that I don’t believe I sowed that bad things related to what I’m reaping now. And yes, I always have an excuse to tell myself that that’s negative thinking. So who to believe, my inner voice (the little voice?) or the reasoning? And it seems I am treating other people very bad, as basically everybody leaves me behind. Something like it seems I don’t listen to other people. But should I be punished so bad for that? I don’t believe it.

And I turned myself inside out to please other people, to make them happy. But it didn’t work out as nobody seems to be pleasing me (and yes, I know they say you shouldn’t do things to please other people).

So what’s going on here? Deep inside I know I’m not a bad person, actually I’m a good person, although especially recently I discovered I also have my bad sides, sides that I didn’t know existed. But should I keep turning myself inside out to please other people, to ‘allow’ them? I’m willing to, but somehow I also believe there needs to be balance, giving and receiving should be in balance. And again, my inner voice says I’m not receiving enough. And yes, deep inside I know I’m not really allowing that.

So what to do, to restore the balance? Any ideas? Recognize something?