Tag Archives: Words

Worried

CaterpillarTomorrow I am planning to go to a funeral and that got my worried about how to deal with my posts and stuff. And that feels a bit strange, how I am obsessed with not missing one day with posting and such, like if I miss one day that would be the end of the world. And that makes me think how obsessed I am with these kind of things, that I am not so flexible, something people often said about me. And right now I am a bit torn, as everything I have learned about ‘success’ also points to persistence and do what other people don’t. And I have the feeling I am doing all those things, learning all those things, especially ‘plan the work and work the plan’. And discipline of course.

But somehow I have the feeling I am overdoing, that I am doing it in a very strict, inhumane way. And that that way of doing, thinking, may exactly be my problem (in life). That I would need a little more flexibility.

Anyhow, that’s not really what I wanted to write about. What I wanted to write about is about the caterpillar and how that image came in this post, as the caterpillar image is what I started this post with. And it is a good sample of how things come into being, how thoughts work, how events work, how things are connected. As I started today with ‘funeral’, which made me look for a ‘life and death inspirational quote’. And then I found the quote “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.” from Richard Bach. And that made me search for ‘caterpillar’ as I wanted to put an image of a caterpillar.

CaterpillarAnd the results of that search amazed me, as the first results were all related to the Caterpillar brand, the manufacturer of heavy machinery. And then of course the thought came to me how commercialized the internet is, as ‘commerce’ is one of my personal struggles. And then the thought came to me how the two are connected, the animal and the brand, as I’m quite sure the company Caterpillar was named after the animal, especially as their logo is similar to the colors of the animal. So that’s how a human being can start with funeral and end with animals, machinery, the connections between them and logo’s and images.

Amazing, isn’t it?

Self love

Strange, I just got an e-mail from Marc and Angel hack life and while searching for the link I find it’s kind of a copy of 7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough.

And then I ended up here: http://journeyofasoulsearcher.blogspot.com/

So a lot to read, but not here right now.

Add New Post

Mmm, no clue what to write about today. I already wrote about my post office experience in my Dutch post and also found a quote related to post office, so not sure if I should continue here about post office. Or maybe just call it quits as I am still a bit sick, hardly slept the last few nights because of that, because of my coughing and I think I did enough for today. And of course I finished everything I planned for the day as usual lately.

Maybe just emphasize the humanification I am looking to bring (back) in the world. Let’s make the world more human again and let policies and procedures serve humans, not the other way around.

Suicide

Strange, how little I know the people around me. And strange, how little the people the people around me know me. As I guess not many people would relate me to suicide thoughts, although I’m quite sure some people know. And what hit me today, and what also made me think for quite a while was the paragraph I found on a site about suicide:

Make no mistake. Suicide will have a devastating effect on those around you, and the effects will stay with them the rest of their lives. If in your mind you belittle this impact (as I did), you are fooling yourself. And to test it, just ask someone close to you how they’d feel if you got knocked over by a bus.

And somehow I know this, as that kind of stopped me from killing myself when I was in my early twenties. But what I never fully realized was the “for the rest of their lives”. Or maybe I did. As I remember being so low, feeling so bad, that even knowing how much other people would suffer, especially my mam, didn’t compensate for how I felt, how bad I felt. And no, I am quite sure nobody wants to kill himself or herself. For me it was the (emotional) pain I was feeling that was too much, unbearable. And I tried and tried and tried. Everything. But it didn’t go away. Although in the end it did, otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now, writing this.

And I read on http://lostallhope.com that the major cause for suicide is loneliness, so I am not alone in my suicide thinking right now, while feeling very alone, even lonely at the moment. And the strange thing is that things have been improving lately. Things have improved as I got some attention for my projects, even beyond my wildest dream. And my partner came back last year. But yes, him leaving again two weeks ago in anger, while I am doing everything, everything to make it work, to be happy myself, try to make him happy, try to support him and help him, love him, whatever, hit me hard, harder than I wanted to admit. And I was able to deal with it for about two weeks, but a few days ago it just hit me and I felt kind of devastated. As it seems all so unfair. And no, in the end it has nothing to do with the relationship, at least not directly with this relationship. It has all to do with everything in my life that seems to have gone wrong, with only a few, relatively short periods of ‘normal life’. It has everything to do with that it seems that I just can’t be myself, the joyful, loving and powerful Guus that I am.

And I read similar things in http://lostallhope.com and I may continue reading there a bit more, more about the loneliness stuff and the being yourself. And yes, it appears to be a good site to go to if you are thinking about suicide, whether you are really planning to kill yourself or not. So yes, I could write a bit more about my experiences when thinking about killing myself and maybe I will, but not now.

And I was hesitant writing this post, as I may hurt people, which of course I don’t want, especially as a friend of mine was reminded of the death of her son yesterday. But maybe that is also exactly what makes me, make us feel lonely. Not sharing our real feelings, our real thoughts. And my real thoughts are about loneliness, about being alone right now. And my real feelings are feeling lonely, and before writing this, useless.

But what really made me write this post is that I realized that if people don’t know about my suicide thoughts, I probably also don’t know about suicide thoughts of people I know. And I know quite a bit about suicide thoughts, as I had them several times in my life. And was indeed a few times also very close to indeed killing myself.

So if you are down or are thinking about suicide, please let me know, whether you know me or not. And no, I won’t judge you or even stop you or try to stop you. As having been there I know that sometimes the pain of living can be larger than the instinct we all have to live. And I know the instinct to live is gigantic, meaning that the pain must be bigger than that to even consider committing suicide.

But maybe you can just e-mail me, so we both can be a little less lonely. You can reach me at guus@inspiration-for-success.com.

Setback

I feel like I’m in a bit of setback. Yes, my life has been continuously improving since my deepest down about one and a half year ago. And yes, I have learned new skills like planning and decision making and discipline. But I still don’t feel inspired, I still don’t feel passion. I’m just leading my life and everything seems to be grey. And yes, I guess I mentioned it before, it still feels that ‘life’ has beaten every (self) inspiration, every passion out of me. Too many things have happened that didn’t work out. Too many things that feel so natural to me didn’t come true, I was not able to achieve. And yes, in the end that all boils down to relationship and sex, to be with another person. As that has always been my biggest dream, that has always been the thing I wanted most. But the only problem seems to be that you need another person for that to happen. And yes, I had two relationships, or actually I am still in one, so I still have a relationship. But somehow my desire, my need seems to stand in the way to happy and fulfilling relationship for me and my partner. At least that is my perception right now. And it reminds me of the definite purpose of my mam as she wanted to have children. And her focus is on children, on her children, always. So maybe there are answers there, as I am one of those children, so I know what it is if someone has put his or her definite purpose on someone else. As my focus is on my partner, possibly in a similar way.

But no, I don’t feel like continuing this now. I have to stop, I have to do something else. It’s just too late and I don’t feel like writing a large, complicated post right now. So I’ll stop now and finish this later.