Tag Archives: Feeling

Suicide

Strange, how little I know the people around me. And strange, how little the people the people around me know me. As I guess not many people would relate me to suicide thoughts, although I’m quite sure some people know. And what hit me today, and what also made me think for quite a while was the paragraph I found on a site about suicide:

Make no mistake. Suicide will have a devastating effect on those around you, and the effects will stay with them the rest of their lives. If in your mind you belittle this impact (as I did), you are fooling yourself. And to test it, just ask someone close to you how they’d feel if you got knocked over by a bus.

And somehow I know this, as that kind of stopped me from killing myself when I was in my early twenties. But what I never fully realized was the “for the rest of their lives”. Or maybe I did. As I remember being so low, feeling so bad, that even knowing how much other people would suffer, especially my mam, didn’t compensate for how I felt, how bad I felt. And no, I am quite sure nobody wants to kill himself or herself. For me it was the (emotional) pain I was feeling that was too much, unbearable. And I tried and tried and tried. Everything. But it didn’t go away. Although in the end it did, otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now, writing this.

And I read on http://lostallhope.com that the major cause for suicide is loneliness, so I am not alone in my suicide thinking right now, while feeling very alone, even lonely at the moment. And the strange thing is that things have been improving lately. Things have improved as I got some attention for my projects, even beyond my wildest dream. And my partner came back last year. But yes, him leaving again two weeks ago in anger, while I am doing everything, everything to make it work, to be happy myself, try to make him happy, try to support him and help him, love him, whatever, hit me hard, harder than I wanted to admit. And I was able to deal with it for about two weeks, but a few days ago it just hit me and I felt kind of devastated. As it seems all so unfair. And no, in the end it has nothing to do with the relationship, at least not directly with this relationship. It has all to do with everything in my life that seems to have gone wrong, with only a few, relatively short periods of ‘normal life’. It has everything to do with that it seems that I just can’t be myself, the joyful, loving and powerful Guus that I am.

And I read similar things in http://lostallhope.com and I may continue reading there a bit more, more about the loneliness stuff and the being yourself. And yes, it appears to be a good site to go to if you are thinking about suicide, whether you are really planning to kill yourself or not. So yes, I could write a bit more about my experiences when thinking about killing myself and maybe I will, but not now.

And I was hesitant writing this post, as I may hurt people, which of course I don’t want, especially as a friend of mine was reminded of the death of her son yesterday. But maybe that is also exactly what makes me, make us feel lonely. Not sharing our real feelings, our real thoughts. And my real thoughts are about loneliness, about being alone right now. And my real feelings are feeling lonely, and before writing this, useless.

But what really made me write this post is that I realized that if people don’t know about my suicide thoughts, I probably also don’t know about suicide thoughts of people I know. And I know quite a bit about suicide thoughts, as I had them several times in my life. And was indeed a few times also very close to indeed killing myself.

So if you are down or are thinking about suicide, please let me know, whether you know me or not. And no, I won’t judge you or even stop you or try to stop you. As having been there I know that sometimes the pain of living can be larger than the instinct we all have to live. And I know the instinct to live is gigantic, meaning that the pain must be bigger than that to even consider committing suicide.

But maybe you can just e-mail me, so we both can be a little less lonely. You can reach me at guus@inspiration-for-success.com.

Crying inside

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Inside I’m still crying. Maybe even more now. As I know life is not supposed to be like this and despite everything I have learned I still feel very unhappy. And somehow I believe life is fair. But I know in my case somehow it’s not. And I’m trying to look at the good things and keep my gratitude diary. And tried to listen to people and tried to give first and tried and tried again. But inside I’m still crying as I really don’t understand that things that in my experience should be so simple apparently are not. Things like just working and having an income. Things like having a partner and do and share things together. Things like just having sex, or preferably making love with your partner, if he is just nearby, or lying next to you at night.

And i am wondering where did I get those thoughts, about fairness or what is supposed to be, what is supposed to be fun or create happiness?

So maybe I should stop looking at success and inspiration and trying to give (things that I don’t have) and believing in the good and believing in fairness and believing in peace and love. And pushing and being perfect and writing every day even though I have nothing to write.

Maybe I should first cry, just follow my feeling. As things are very wrong.

Fear

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I am often scared to open my e-mail. Or maybe I should write I often was, as I’m not as scared anymore as before. But yesterday and today I was. As I had sent an e-mail two days ago I expected a reply to. And somehow I was scared of the reply. But I had planned for today to check my e-mail and indeed the answer was there. And the answer was not really what I expected or hoped for, as it was kind of a politically correct answer where I had hoped for a bit more. But it was also certainly not a negative answer, even though I would have liked it a bit more, well, to my liking, getting what I want.

But this whole thing made me think what it is or was that I am actually afraid of. And today’s quote of course was about fear. And it was a duplicate quote probably as it was not stored in the database, so I must have liked it before. And the quote was

“What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.” from Jiddu Krishnamurti.

And it made me think and it seems I am often trying to escape the fear. As I did yesterday and actually today most of the day: not opening my e-mail. Or sometimes postponing reading my e-mail. And it made me think further about what could be behind this fear, this fear of reading e-mails. And of course I thought of my father, as he,or actually his behavior, seems to be behind all this fear. And thinking of what I wrote yesterday, I see my father as a dictator, as he always made me do what he wanted, forced me to, used his power to make me do things. And yes, somehow I grew up and went my own way. But somehow my father is still there, telling me what to do, where I have no option but to follow.

And this again makes me think how important it is what a father does. Or does not do. Or says. Or does not say. As being a father makes that you have a natural power over a child, your child. And I think my father abused that. And yes, I know he meant it all well, I know even some of his reasons. So he is not to blame, even though I still blame him.

And this is where I remember discussing this father thing with a visitor last week, the thing that I still blame my father, that I still feel like a victim. And he had a nice exercise for that. And the exercise is done in groups of two. And one person is telling the story where he felt being a victim to the other person. And the other person just has to listen. And of course in most or all cases the listener will sympathize with the person telling the story. But there is a second part of the exercise. And in the second part of the exercise the person telling his story must tell the story taking responsibility. And of course then the whole story changes, the feelings change.

Although while writing this I remember thinking about that exercise that it doesn’t apply to when a father exercises power over a child. As at certain ages a child cannot take responsibility like opposing or ignoring what the father wants. So then there is a victim. And of course there are many more situations where that is the case, situations when e.g. violence is used.

And yes, then, being a victim, you can only take responsibility for how to deal with the situation or how to deal with the aftermath of the situation.

Still, no real answer yet about my victim issues. But it seems I’m getting closer to letting go of some things, some things it seems I still play the victim where it is probably better to let go and go on with my life.

What about you? Do you have anything where you still feel the victim, even when the actual thing has long passed?

Avoiding confrontation

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Love will find a way I am very tense as somehow I avoid confrontation about what is going on here in the house. And yes, I am fighting some kind of guerrilla war as I guess at least part of the guests feels there is something going on that’s not right.

But my goal was that everybody should be happy and I am not happy and I am certainly part of everybody. And I have been asking myself what would make me happy and I couldn’t find the answer to that. And of course I tried to go back to the teachings of Abraham Hicks that say something that no matter what I should search for something that makes me happy. But yes, he also said that sometimes you can’t go to a happy place as you are too far from that place, too far from happiness.

And yes, I feel guilty, guilty of spoiling the party with my behavior. But how let the people know how hurt I am with what is going on, how this all came into being. A lot of people have been invited in my house without my approval. And some of them I don’t even want here. This is all organized without my participation. And yes, of course I have been informed. And somehow I was asked if I was okay with it. And basically I am, but it would all be so much nicer if we would have organized it together. And if the people would just contribute in the cost, as I was so happy the last few months finally enough money came in to at least pay the daily expenses. And now more than half our monthly budget goes to a large party where most of the participants have a larger income than we. Meaning we at least we can’t start paying our debts, but probably our borrowings go up again.

So yes, while writing this, why would I be happy. Well certainly not with the party, or actually how it was organized and how it is being paid for. A party I am basically no part of, as I was not even invited, a party where I just feel like being part of the furniture, nothing more, nothing less.

So what would make me happy? Well, not sure, as I wouldn’t want to force people to fund a party they were just invited for. And I wouldn’t want people to leave, as, no matter whether I like each of them or not. As each of them has his or her place. And I wouldn’t want them just to pay for it or something.

So what would I want?

What would you do?

And no, I don’t think this is not an inspiring post. But I guess I’m just in ‘that place’. Meaning far from inspiration.

Sad

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Just sad.