Tag Archives: Happiness

Self analysis, question 8

I was a bit sick today and I still am, but somehow I decided to write and today’s question “Do you like your occupation? If not, why?” seems to be an applicable question. As most of my life I have liked the jobs I was in, but most of my life also the people I worked for didn’t seem to like the things I was doing.

This seems not to be a right answer to the question as it is kind of a yes and kind of a no. And I guess the final answer would be no, as of course I like to be appreciated for what I do, especially as most of my life I put my heart in my occupation.

And something changed also recently, as I don’t really like what I am doing at the moment, even though I like the work, but I don’t have a clear agreement about payment for my latest job which makes me postpone a lot of things. So right now I feel like being in some kind of a circle where I kind of create my own misery, as my postponing certainly won’t help to make my customer satisfied.

So well, maybe in this case some willpower would come in handy, even though the last few days I have been reading about the Law of Attraction again, which seems to say quite the opposite.

Confusing, but good to see this question today, as it will possibly help me get out of this mess.

Self analysis: question 1

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Recently I have been overwhelmed by the most dangerous ‘ghost of fear’, the fear of poverty and in analogy of what I have done in my Dutch site related to codependency I want to answers the self analysis questions from Napoleon Hill as stated in the chapter The Six Ghosts of Fear. And today is a good day to start, as this morning, and the last few mornings and days, I woke up pretty tense, so tense that I could hardly get started doing anything the beginning of the day.

So the first question “Do you complain often of “feeling bad”, and if so, what is the cause?” may be very applicable to my current state and what I am doing in this post and probably am doing in this site. As somehow I started this post with complaining about feeling tense. And feeling tense is inclusive of feeling bad. And looking back at the site I think many of my posts include complaints and probably complaints related to feeling bad.

So yes, it seems I often complain about feeling bad. And as far as I know that is also the reason that many friends don’t want to deal with me anymore, avoid me. And of course I don’t like that and of course that makes me feel bad. So I may be in some kind of circle, feeling bad and with that also creating circumstances that make me feel bad or worse.

So what is the reason behind my feeling bad, what is the cause? And I never found a real answer to that, even though I have read this question quite a few times and also did some effort a while ago to really answer those questions honestly, working on them honestly.

The first thing that comes up with me right now though is that I don’t feel appreciated, that the cause of my feeling bad is that I don’t feel appreciated, or more specifically that my efforts are not being appreciated. And even more specifically that my efforts are not being appreciated by others, especially customers, or before ‘bosses’. And, together with what I have been doing, reading, researching lately, this may indeed be the root cause of my unhappiness, my complaining, that I don’t feel appreciated by others.

And maybe, while writing, the main reason behind that is that I don’t appreciate myself, that I don’t appreciate my efforts or the results of my efforts or just myself. And maybe this first analysis question just points me again to something I found quite a while ago in Think and Grow Rich, that the main cause of failure is lack of self confidence. And that the main ingredient for achieving success is self confidence. And right now I want to add that the main ingredient for success may even just be self acceptance, or more positively stated, self appreciation. As maybe it is true that if you can’t appreciate yourself, how can someone else appreciate you?

So maybe work on that, start with that, looking more at who I am and what I am doing here and appreciating that, just that, appreciating myself.

Skipped

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Yeah, yesterday I skipped. Not only my daily post here, but also the sending of the daily quote and the update of my Dutch blog. And that doesn’t happen very often, or stated more honest, very rarely. And I never expected it to happen yesterday, as I was not that busy and kind of took the afternoon and evening off after handling and sending a document that had caused me an awful lot of stress. And not only the document, but the whole situation related to it. So I was also kind of emotionally tired, if not exhausted.

So I ended up with a friend in a bar, where when I was about to leave, go home, my friend asked me if I wanted to join him to go to some other places. And basically as I wanted to please him, but also as it kind of felt good, I decided to join him. And at the same moment deciding that I would skip my daily tasks, my daily habit related to Inspiration for Success. I kind of gave in, gave up, and somehow I think that is good, as I think often I try to be too perfect, which probably also annoys or offends other people.

So I decided to join him and the first venue he chose was Pulse, the local disco. And it had been a long time since I had been in a disco and the music was way too loud for a serious conversation, but the doing nothing and listening to the music and looking around and again, mainly doing nothing, felt kind of good. And my friend was kind of drunk and also did kind of nothing, so I guess it was okay for the both of us, kind of good for the both of us.

And just as I wanted to suggest to go home, or at least find a way to leave without offending my friend, he decided to pay the bill preparing to leave. So I was kind of relieved I didn’t have to take the initiative and offend him, only to find out that after leaving the venue he kind of forced me to join to another venue, a piano bar. And at first I was kind of annoyed, but after entering the venue I was kind of happily surprised as I never expected Cagayan de Oro City to have a piano bar. And according to my friend it had been there longer than I have lived here, so I was really surprised, as I thought I knew most businesses and things like this in the city where I have lived now for more than ten years.

So my evening turned out into a pleasant surprise, especially the visit to the piano bar, which I enjoyed very much, listening to the music, drinking a bit and having a snack. And I guess still talking with my friend, as he had woken up and was much more alive than in Pulse.

So yeah, a pretty bad day turned out to end pretty good, pretty happy.

What a day

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Wow, what a day was today. And I have no clue why it feels different as I didn’t do so much different things than I usually do. But I did finish the start of the software that enables the management and display of the (evaluation) of inspirational sites and motivational sites. And that was something I had looked forward to for quite a while, as especially the page top inspirational sites has become quite a chaos that I think is not of much use to readers unless they are willing to spend a little time to read through the rubbish and find the more interesting stuff. But the basis stands and I am very happy with that.

And yes, next to that there may be a little hope that finally my personal life, my life will improve, even though I am a little skeptical with that. Anyhow, the reason is that since two months or so I am participating in a group of Codependents Anonymous and this is the first time in my life I see a glimmer of hope to turn my life around for the good. As it seems I’m not the only one feeling like I feel and doing things that don’t work and it seems a twelve step program may be the solution for the change I have been longing for for so long.

And no, I certainly don’t want to create the impression that twelve step programs have anything to do with achieving success or inspiring people, but if you have the same feeling like me, a feeling I have had for a very, very long time, that you have done everything and nothing seems to work, then you may want to look into something like that. But only then, and not if you are just stuck in a ‘normal’ way.

So well, yes, it seems my start of 2015 is good and that is a feeling I have not had in a very long time. And it feels good.

Gratitude diary

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Yes, I am keeping a gratitude diary. Or at least every day I add a few lines to a page in my Dutch blog. But mostly I don’t feel happy, or grateful. So I kind of force myself to write some items in that page. And yes, somehow spending some time every day on that page makes me focus on something like being grateful or happy about at least some things during the day. But it’s not a real gratitude diary as mostly I don’t feel it, mostly I don’t feel grateful.

And it was someone who wrote me an e-mail letter a few weeks who pointed this out to me as she asked something like whether I really felt grateful about the things I write in that page. And I realize mostly I don’t. And that made me think. And of course it stuck in my thoughts for various reasons.

And the last few days things get more clear. As somehow my codependent behavior may be the cause that I feel so unhappy, that I can’t really be grateful, can’t really make a real gratitude diary. As I realize more and more that I am more concerned with the feelings and behavior of others than of that of myself, that I often don’t even know what I feel. And yes, of course I know I feel tense. But that seems about the only things I feel, tense or unhappy. Or both.

The strange thing I am reading though about codependency is that being codependent means that you have difficulty being alone. Which I don’t have. And I consider myself pretty autonomous with my own ideas and such. But I do have problems maintaining healthy relationships as it seems, mostly after a while, people are abandoning or avoiding me.

Anyhow, it seems at least I am slowly getting some sense of what’s going on. And that’s a start for being grateful, happy and satisfying personal relationships.