Tag Archives: Life

Emotional Intelligence

Wow, my aunt created something by mentioning I could use some more emotional intelligence. As while reading about emotional intelligence on the Dutch Wikipedia I ended up in the site ‘eqi‘ that has a wealth about, well humans, human needs. And what happens when human needs are not met.

And suddenly, while reading about respect, I realized that my needs had not been taken into account when I grew up, that my dad ruled with fear, not with respect. And that this is probably the cause why my life went as it went, is what it is. As I only know fear, not respect.

And don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with my dad, as he just did what he could, did what he thought was best, I guess, or actually I am sure, even more. But it was not enough, not for me, not for my needs.

And right now I feel very relaxed, even though while writing this sentence the fear jumps up again, as it seems I am just scared to be relaxed, to be me. Just scared that I count, that my feelings and needs and wants count. And not my dads, yes, what, also needs and feelings and wants?

So an hour or so ago I was overwhelmed with fatigue, so overwhelmed that I felt the need to lie down, and I did. But it felt good as it seems I got answers, maybe the most important answer in my life so far, that it may be all about respect, not fear.

And I was thinking about my dad, how he had become like he did. And I always wonder if it was because he served in the military at a very young age, something he didn’t want, something he was forced to do. And something I know also had a big influence on his life, his career, as he often mentioned those few years just put him behind, just made he felt always behind his colleagues who had not had that three year break. And right now I am thinking if I inherited that thinking from him, as I also always felt behind in my career, not sure knowing why, except that I had quite some difficulties in my youth when I grew up, partially or mainly because I am gay.

And it is strange, thinking about my dad, as if he were as strong, as stubborn as I am, it may indeed have been very true that he was broken by the military discipline (Dutch word ‘tucht’). Or maybe he was broken additionally by losing his wife at a pretty young age, together with the child she was bearing. And I guess there was no psychological help at the time, no internet where you can find all those things, thoughts about things like grieving and fear and respect. Or maybe it also started earlier for him, when he had to take care of his semi-brother, the son of a brother and sister of his, at least that is waht I know, even though I don’t know the full story about that. But I know my dad was being teased about it at school, by his classmates or something.

And yes, while thinking, those things made him also believe he ‘had to’ do all kinds of things, the phrase I am most haunted by, ‘have to’. He even took care of his semi-brother when he was old as apparently people closer to uncle Gerard, like his real father or mother or their children, didn’t seem to care. Or just didn’t know they could have done it.

So maybe there are parallels with me also there, as I felt obliged to be the responsible person for my sister, who was mentally handicapped. And that has put me in great trouble now, even though of course I made the mistakes there myself. And that feels so unfair, as I felt obliged, and did take the responsibility, only to find out that now I am in trouble and blamed for all kinds of things, things that would have never happened if I hadn’t felt obliged.

So yeah, this reading about fear and respect and realizing that this all comes from the family I grew up in, made me think about my dad, about his life, how it had all come to be. So it feels like my heart opens right now, seeing the life of my dad, asking myself how he dealt with all those things, impossible things to deal with. And I guess if he were still alive I would have liked to know more about that, how he became what he became, but maybe he wouldn’t know, maybe he had locked his feelings also away, same like me.

And while writing the last I realize he told me about that, that there were things he had locked away, things he didn’t want to touch, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to know. What a pity he probably was never able to deal with those things and live a happy, free life.

And he always looked so controlled, and always said he was happy. But I never believed him, and neither did my mam, as she also always said something like ‘he says he is happy’. And I know my mam was kind of jealous of that, that my dad was ‘happy’.

And maybe he was, maybe he did find a way to deal with all the bad stuff that had happened to him in his life. But the more I think about this now, the more I don’t believe that, the more I believe that he must have been very unhappy, just coping with life, similar to what I seem to have been doing most of my life.

So I guess I will ask him, later today, in my mind. And maybe this time he will open up, as it felt that he never really opened up to me. Maybe those were just the things that stood between him and me, the things he couldn’t talk about, the things he had hidden away, or found some other way to deal with.

So I guess I have to thank my aunt for her e-mail, for being blunt and honest with me, in her own way. And I am still not sure what is really going on inside her, as recently she appeared in the way my mam often describes her, ‘nuchter’ (down to earth), same as she described my dad. And it seems I also lost her, as she indicated she doesn’t want to communicate anymore. And I am always in doubt with her, as she always says I should not write here, and in my Dutch blog, especially my Dutch blog, in public. But I also know she reads at least the stuff in my Dutch blog, very regularly. And that always makes me smile, especially as I know I don’t have so many readers there, but I know I have, or had, a loyal reader. And the strange thing is she may even be the person that helps me continue writing, especially my Dutch blog. As I know I have at least one reader and yes, writing in public is also a way for me to tell people things, so sometimes I try to tell her things, just like now. That somehow I appreciate her, even though I understand her less and less recently. And that she is still helping me, even much, much more than before, when she was the only one who I felt understood what was going on here.

So no, I don’t want to offend her. I am just looking for ways to tell her I appreciate her being there for me, even though she may not fully understand what I mean and that I think it is really genuine. And is it love, no not really. I don’t know exactly what it is. But I am just thankful for everything she has done and is doing for me, even if she is not communicating.

And I guess I am not good at these things, just talk too much, like now. So let this be it.

Higher Power

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I was not aware that the phrase Higher Power was so connected to twelve steps programs, but while searching for it, those were the things that came up. Weird, as to me Higher Power could mean anything from any religion, like God or Allah or maybe even Buddha, although the last does not present himself as God or something.

And I am also still searching what it means for me, as in the end the first thing I think of when thinking of higher is God, the God I grew up with, the God from the bible in a bit a modified form. But I understand that in the Twelve Steps Programs Higher Power could mean anything, including something like the group you are in.

Or maybe I do know how I see Higher Power, something like the consciousness that developed somehow by the ‘something’ that somehow came into existence as what we now call the Universe. And humans are somehow the next level, the expression of consciousness. And that thought is a bit scary, as that implies there is nothing more than ‘I’, than Guus Ellenkamp, finding his purpose in this ‘something’ that somehow came into existence. As he is just the expression of the questions like the ‘why’ and ‘what for’. And there are no answers to that, except that you indeed would have to find your own purpose ‘the’ purpose, of everything, where there is none. As something just somehow came into being and got ‘aware’.

Mmm, tough stuff, but I guess that is what I believe in the end, even though I don’t fully get how things like time fit into that. But a very interesting concept and it gives an explanation why we, or maybe just I, am looking for a purpose and created something like ‘others’ to not be alone.

Tired, tired,tired

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I am very tired, but contrary to my normal tiredness I feel really good as I was somehow pretty busy and achieved many things. And this was not because of persistence, but just because somehow God or Infinite Intelligence was in favor of me or anything that was happening.

So one drawback: I don’t feel like writing anymore. But I do feel good and am happy to share that!

Headache

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I am a bit lost and confused and annoyed as DoctorsConnect is not really being used yet and as I am a bit sick, even have a headache. And my stomach is also still complaining as it lately often does, with a feeling of too much acidity.

And I was just lying down a bit and still thinking about forgiving and what James Altucher wrote about choosing to do the wrong thing, something I read yesterday or a few days ago. And the last came from my Dutch post of today, where I wrote that I choose to stick with wanting a lifetime monogamous relationship with my current partner, where I more and more believe that it is not wise or not practical to combine your sex life with a life partner. But it’s just what I want, even though I now believe it is wrong wanting that. But I decided that long time ago and I just want to make that work.

And related to forgiveness I realized that I don’t believe in ‘wrong’, meaning somehow that I don’t accept my dad, who I think hurt me most, did most wrong to me of all people I know and have known, doing something wrong. And that I don’t believe I am doing something wrong myself. Or did anything wrong in the past.

And while writing this post I got completely lost in some other things, like working on the pages Top Inspirational Sites and Law of Attraction. And I also noticed something changed, today, or maybe the last few days. And I don’t know what it is, but it seems something outside of me. And somehow ‘it’ decides whether I can move or not, should move or not. As when I am down like I was the last few weeks, or at least much more down than I usual am, it seems that no matter what I do, it just doesn’t change. And somehow, some time, whenever I have this feeling of desperation when nothing seems to move, things start moving again. And I still don’t know what it is and if I can influence it. Apparently not, even though I also experienced that your mindset can change your experience.

And yes, I realize I’m writing a chaotic post right now, as next to ‘forgiveness‘ and ‘wrong’ I now added things like Infinite Intelligence and mindset.

So maybe for now just stop and let all of this sink in. And continue tomorrow or something, but I know my posts, my blog is kind of impulsive. And yes, I can add another subject now, as I am wondering if I would be able to find an audience, build a community, around the stuff I am writing, the stuff I am writing my way.

Inspiration from death

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I am a bit in a mixed mood today as it is the day one of my sisters is being buried and I decided I cannot attend. Main reason is budget, but somehow I also don’t want to attend as I don’t really see the reason to take on a 24 hour journey to attend a half day ceremony or so. And I guess I would have made an exception if my mam had asked me to come, but she didn’t. Ah, and also being fifty one years old life and death, especially death, is not that a big issue anymore, as people just die and I even almost died myself around five years ago. And most people who died were relatively old, like my grandparents and my dad, the people closest to me who died. And my sister was a special child with also body problems, so somehow it was already a miracle that she lived for almost fifty years.

The death of my sister made me thing yesterday though, as it brought me back to my youth, my very young years, about which my parents said I was very close with Janneke, my sister. So I was looking for a photo I remember of her and me, but I couldn’t find it. But I kept thinking about ‘life’, how we as people, as human beings are being born, live, and then die. So I thought about my sister, about what she had given to the world, as somehow people with disabilities appear so, well useless, not contributing. On the contrary, they take a lot of care, like my sister was in an institution for mentally handicapped people, so there are a lot of people needed an available to care for her. And yes, they need to be paid. And in The Netherlands that is all arranged by the government, and my sister even got an allowance from the social security department in The Netherlands. And then today I got an e-mail with the content, the preparation for the church and funeral ceremonies. And the staff who had taken care of Janneke all had made some kind of poem. And then I remembered the below photo they had sent me earlier, from the internal memo about Janneke’s death. And especially that photo reminded me of how she was, with such an enormous, I don’t know how to say in English properly, happiness. Like how she could shine, as you may see in below photo.

Janneke

And then I read the poems that the staff had made. And they all mentioned how much Janneke had given, and not, as one would expect, how much she had ‘taken’, consumed, used. And no, I am not really the type of person who thinks like that. I am more the material and career guy, even though I have big dreams and talk and write (and do) about valuing humans more, valuing humans above organizations and material things.

So yes, when thinking about those things, reading the poems, seeing the joy in the photo and remembering how Janneke was, I just know that a human is just very special, even if he or she is born without the ability to contribute to the material and such.