Tag Archives: Progress

I messed up

I messed up lately with practically everything, especially with Inspiration for Success. I didn’t even send the daily quotes which I mostly manage to do, even if I am away. And I never expected this to happen, as I thought I had learned what was discipline and habit. But apparently I haven’t.

Not sure what is next, but at least I am writing again here.

Self analysis, question 52

Today I still didn’t feel good, but somehow I realized I made some progress as I found a sponsor for my twelve steps program of Coda and somehow I started participating in the meeting again today after quite some time of just listening and not saying anything.

And the progress is related to that I am starting to realize that codependency is a terrible thing, that it is causing enormous damage, not only for me, but also for my environment. And right now, while writing, I am starting to realize that it is not my fault that I am codependent, that it is not (all?) my fault what has happened in my life, what is happening in my life.

Yes, strange that codependency is so little known where I presume it is omnipresent and that many people suffer from it, either directly or indirectly. And believe me, the damage is enormous, more than I could ever imagine. But they say there is a cure, so it is time to start working more seriously on dealing with it, even though I may never be cured, like an alcoholic always will be an alcoholic. And that is hard to deal with, but somehow today I felt hope again.

But I didn’t want to write about codependency. I just wanted to continue with the self analysis questions and today’s question is “What is your greatest worry? Why do you tolerate it?.

And of course I have seen this question before, and answered it. But right now I am not sure what is my greatest worry. I guess right now my greatest worry is to get old and have nobody to take care of me. As right now my partner is not here and that has been for quite a while already and that makes me realize how important family is, no matter how you define family. As when you are old you need people who take care of you, at least I guess most people who get old in the end can’t take care of themselves anymore like cooking or shopping or washing or dressing.

So why do I tolerate it? Well, I’m not sure if I ‘tolerate’ it, but recently I have been thinking a lot about what to do and where to go if my relationship doesn’t work out. And I can’t really decide on that until now. Somehow I just want to ‘run away’, but of course that doesn’t work. You always bring yourself with you. And that also made me decide the last few years to just stay here, in Malasag, as running away doesn’t solve anything.

And that brings me to my second worry: no money. And that is a very serious worry as for quite some time I have not been able to earn money or acquire it in other ways, even though until today I was always able to eat and pay my daily needs, or actually more, as I don’t really live a very poor lifestyle.

So why do I tolerate that? Well, I don’t really tolerate it, but I just don’t know any solution to solve my ‘money problem’. But while writing I realize I am not as worried about it as I was before, even though my cash and/or incoming funds would only last me for one or two months, and that is not a lot.

And If feel a bit like writing bullshit above, but this is just what came into my mind. So I guess this is my self analysis for today.

And yes, still looking forward to comments or other thoughts, but somehow that didn’t really happen a lot yet, except from some friend(s).

Discouraged

I am a bit discouraged and that also meant that the last few days, when I was out of town and it was difficult to access the internet I didn’t write my daily posts here. And I experience that I am becoming more and more relaxed with my daily posts here, even though I did some good work with the self analysis questions, but still.

And I know what is behind my discouragement and that is actually very simple: my activities here, with this site don’t seem to give any real return, at least not to me. Or maybe stated better, the site and the idea didn’t take off as I expected it to.

So what to do? Something needs to change, but what. Do I need to change my plan? At least that is what Napoleon Hill suggests: if something doesn’t work it means your plan is not sound, so create a new plan and set sail again to the thing you want. But that brings me to some difficult decision as I am not sure what I want anymore with this site, with this project.

And no, this site is not my definite purpose. Or is it? Maybe it is related still.

But anyhow, very frustrating there are no comments and no team and I have no clue if anyone appreciates what I am doing, even though I know many people like the daily quotes.

But I also have my needs and they are not being met.

So what to do?

Happy and tired

Strange how my mood goes behind the facts as the last few days went quite okay, but often I still feel very stressed, especially in the morning.

And today I was happy as I was able to extend the visa of a friend of mine, even beyond the official procedures. So this probably does mean I have some standing in the immigration office, something that is very important in The Philippines.

And I was also happy that one of my computers that was broken was fixed with some minor repair instead of replacing the mother board plus probably the memory and processor as it is an outdated mother board.

And I am still happy that Ulla is still alive and is doing pretty well.

And tonight I had a nice evening with a meeting and some social talk afterwards.

So yes, things are pretty okay. I hope the feeling will follow soon.

The power of habit

Ulla in recovery.Yesterday I skipped writing here and sending an inspirational quote, and with good reason I believe, as I was pretty tired and next to that ended up in the emergency room of a hospital because I had an asthma attack in the middle of the night and came home pretty late and pretty much affected by that.

And today I promised myself the rest of the day off after getting more clarity on the situation of our sick dog Ulla, something I was pretty much affected by most of the week.

But for quite a while I realize that I have developed a pretty strong habit of writing here every day and that no matter that I got a bit more flexible, to say it in a nice way, with it, it is pretty hard to skip as I have a pretty strong urge to do it, no matter how late or no matter how busy or tired I am.

So also today only a short post, but it is a post and I also sent the first batch of the daily inspirational quote and will send the second batch later also.

So yes, there is something to developing habits. They are hard to break (whether positive or negative, but I believe my daily writing here is a positive).