Tag Archives: Sharing

Fear

Well, it seems the subject of today is fear, as I heard someone telling she was very scared, which made me decide to send a quote about fear today. Then I realized I was scared to start this post, as I didn’t know what to write. So of course that lead me to write something about fear.

So what is this fear about writing a post? Well, I guess about finding something inspiring to write, something that is useful to others. As in the end somehow that is what my writing, and I guess the writing of anybody else, is about. And behind that is the fear that I am not good enough, as my posts are often me complaining about something or just diary type quotes, which, according to ‘professional’ bloggers or other people are ‘not good enough’ as blog posts.

And blog posts need to have at least 2,000 words and be mixed with pictures and such and have good structure so they are ‘good’ reading material for readers. And of course they need to have some ‘message’ to the reader, some advice or something. And I often try to put something like that at the end of the post, but it is not the main thing in my mind writing. As I just write whatever comes into my mind. And my posts I think in general are something like 500 words or something. And often I start with some kind of subject and end up writing about something completely different, which I then ‘correct’ by putting a different ‘title tag’ as addition to WordPress title of the blog item.

So this is all ‘wrong’ and it reflect in the traffic to this website, also my blog. Ah, and I don’t follow the rules of building a community, so that is also ‘wrong’. As I think I don’t have a community, although I know some people who know me read my Dutch blog whom I could consider my ‘community’.

So all of this makes me think, as I know most bloggers started like me, just started something, just started writing. And also didn’t have any audience except maybe their mother or some other family member or family members or some friend or friends. So I guess I’m not doing that bad. I’m not that far off from what other bloggers do or how most or all successful bloggers started.

And no, I also think I wrote about that yesterday or the day before, my main goal with this blog is not to live from it, although it would be nice to also have some financial return from it. But the main reason for the financial return is even that it would make it more easy to do more for this blog as I wouldn’t worry so much about what to live from or what to spend my time on, as if I had more money coming in I could spend, or actually would spend more time on this site, this blog. I would even hire people to write for it, as much of the content about the Principles of Success and related pages are about subjects that other people could easily write, probably, or even surely better than I.

So while evaluating all this maybe I should, or better could, think a bit more how to make this work, how to make Inspiration for Success as I have it in mind. And one of the first ideas was to connect people who want to inspire other people connect to people who need (more) inspiration. And for that I need to build some more functionality in the site and the site would need to be more known, otherwise people wouldn’t know about it and wouldn’t be able to find each other.

So well, let’s plan a bit better, as that is a subject that is high on my priority list, as my daily planning recently ended up in blank pages, which doesn’t mean I’m not doing anything, on the contrary, but it means I kind of lost a rudder, I kind of lost direction.

Well, not a bad post after all I guess, as I started with the negative emotion of fear and I end being inspired a little more to get my planning a bit more in order.

Finally on the way?

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Am I finally on the way to success, to more happiness, or maybe just to happiness?

And I don’t know how to make this into an inspiring post, but I am discovering more and more that I am codependent. And a phone call with my mam tonight confirms some very dysfunctional stuff in our family, as she acts like she is fully helpless and ‘cannot do anything’, which is not true, as she did sign some very important papers as ‘she had no other option’. And the strange thing to me is still that she says she ‘does everything’ for her children, especially me, but when I want or need something from her ‘she cannot do it’.

Anyhow, I don’t want to talk about my mam, but it seems there is a lot of codependent behavior in my family, where probably I and my sister are the ‘target’ of my mams codependency. And somehow my dad was also a ‘target’, as I saw my mam do everything for him, instead of setting healthy boundaries. And my dad must have been part of the system that kept it all going also, ‘needing my mam’.

So I found myself in this weird discussion with my mam where I tried to settle some stuff related to the death of my sister last week. As my mam, my other sister and I are the heirs of my sister and responsible of arranging the legal stuff. And to me it is relatively simple to settle the inheritance of my sister as she was a special child living in a mental institution. This means she only has a few thing like a closet, a bed, clothes, some toys, etc and some money on the bank. And most of the financial stuff I know as I used to be her curator, being responsible for all the legal stuff.

The strange thing however was that I was no part of any arranging of her funeral as my mam ‘had to follow the undertaker’ and ‘there was no time to involve me’ as I live far away in The Philippines. So I tried to involve myself by asking if the undertaker could call me to set up a video connection as I was not able and willing to go to The Netherlands and with current technology it shouldn’t be that difficult to be present through some video conferencing system. Even the common Skype would do perfect for that purpose and only requires internet and a laptop or something. But no, nobody called me, even though there were two days available to arrange something like that. And as far as I know undertakers always work under time pressure, so my request or anything ‘there is no time’ doesn’t make any sense to me.

Anyhow, when Thursday afternoon and evening Philippine time, which is the Dutch morning and beginning of the afternoon nothing had happened, I knew nothing would be arranged anymore, as the funeral was Friday morning Dutch time. So I decided to just make my own plans and let the funeral be, even though it hurt a little, but not that much.

And right now I find myself in the same situation. As my mam somehow has instructed a notary public to deal with things like payment of the funeral and other bills. Which to me she does not even have the right to, at least not on behalf of the heirs, but that’s not the point. So I had this discussion with her yesterday, that Suzan, my other sister, she and I could just arrange the stuff ourselves and that I am even willing to do most of the work. And as she got very upset yesterday because ‘bills have to be paid’ and ‘maybe there is not enough money’ to pay for the funeral, I decided to not push through yesterday with deciding who is going to do what.

But today I got the feeling to call her again, especially as I found out that my mams notary had been sending e-mails to third parties about legal stuff they don’t have the right to as far as I know. And again, they fully bypassed me, where I expected a phone call or e-mail from them to check with me how I thought things should be handled. And maybe also because I know all the details about Janneke’s finance. I mean, it’s easiest to check those things with me, as I have the overview.

But no, nothing, not even after I sent them an e-mail that I felt a bit bypassed, being the brother and one of the heirs.

So I called again. And ended up in the same discussion, my mam kind of blaming me that she can’t sleep because of, well, it seems money problems, where as far as I know Janneke has enough capital. So contrary to my mam I am more worried about inheritance tax that needs to be paid than about not enough money available for the funeral or stone repair as she is buried in a family grave. So while I was trying to get an answer how my mam, Suzan and I would like to have all these legal things arranged, my mam had only one solution: the notary public who is going to pay the bills. And in my opinion he can’t do that, as he would need the permission of all three of us to do that. But for my mam there is only one way: the notary is going to do this as ‘there is no other way’.

So I am trying to learn from this, like if my mam is also codependent and if I am a bit like my mam, do I behave the same in similar or other situations? And if so, how can I change that, so a ‘normal’ negotiation would be possible?

And another thing I am trying to learn is how to deal with this person who has only one solution in mind and doesn’t want to budge. As I also want something, and that is just a decision on how we are going to do all this. And yes, maybe there is a similarity, as I also want that ‘now, now, now’, where there is no real time pressure.

Ah, but one thing I think I learned, and that is not giving in to the sad stories of my mam. The ‘I can’t do it, I can’t do anything’ thing. As that is just not true, that is just victim behavior. And indeed, I am not responsible for my mams feelings as she chooses this behavior (which is not easy, as I know she is really worried and does not sleep).

So for now I decided just to lie low and do nothing, but somehow that feels like passive aggressive behavior. And this means I still have something to learn, similar to find a way to communicate with my sister, who at the moment only wants to communicate through WhatsApp, something I don’t use and yes, installed on one of our computers giving in to my sister.

Strange

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it was strange, one or two hours ago, when my mam called and told me Janneke, one of my two sisters, died. And it was strange especially as I received a text last night from my other sister Suzan,asking me to call her as soon as possible. And I am re-reading it now, and indeed, there is urgency in it, but it arrived fully wrong with me. As if one of my sisters is dying I would expect someone to call me and not send me a text to call them.

So this afternoon I got a call from my mam telling me that my sister was not only severely ill, but even died last night. And again the request to call her back right now, implying that I should use Skype to call her on my sisters phone, right now, right after. And again, I was hesitant, as I was about to go out and someone was waiting for me, so calling back straight away would be quite a hassle for me. Partly because my computer was not yet on and partly my current opinion about these things is that there is nothing really urgent about. Someone died and that’s it and it’s a common thing. And yes, I guess I may sound a bit weird with this kind of statement, but when my father died five years ago I did everything I was supposed to do and I am still suffering from it, as I borrowed money for the ticket which was the start of my borrowing, something I could never imagine doing before. But as I had no money at the time and as I presumed I was to go I just did what I thought I was supposed to do and bought tickets for my partner and me with borrowed money.

And yes, getting older made me also more relaxed with things like death. As people just die and there is nothing much special about it, even though of course it is a significant event. So yes, of course I am considering going to the funeral or something. But just doing it ‘because I am supposed to do it, because society expects it’, I am not sure if that’s the right way. Especially as that first borrowing for my dads funeral was the start of the deep financial shit I am in right now. And don’t get me wrong, it was not the reason, just the start. And there were very good reasons for all those decisions I made afterwards, especially the first one or two years after. But finally reality caught up with me and I didn’t know what to do anymore as I saw no way out anymore.

So am I acting strange? I guess so, as the more I think about it many people avoid me after a while, leave me behind. So there must be something in what my partner said last night, that I have some autism type behavior when I didn’t want to entertain him anymore as I felt provoked by his questions and statements about me. As in my experience if he is in a mood like that anything I say just makes it worse, so I better keep quiet, even though of course that also doesn’t solve anything and also makes him more and more annoyed. But I guess it is still better to just keep quiet as at least then I don’t give him any new ammunition for further complaints and accusations about what I am doing wrong.

So strange, feeling relatively quiet, relatively relaxed after the message my sister just died, even though after I arrived home after a short errand it suddenly hit me and I started to cry. And yes, there is more, but that is too private for me to share herein public. But maybe I should share I also felt relieved, as this event of my sister dying might solve some things within our family, things that should have been solved a long time ago, but where I didn’t know how to do that.

And it is strange, as last night I was talking with some people and we talked about something like changing the other person. And I said I think I can’t change my partner, but actually I meant I don’t want to change my partner. And also related to the problems my sister and I have, my mam often tells me I can’t change my sister.

But the question is if I shouldn’t try if I think there is something wrong with the other person. But that raises another question: who decides what is wrong and do I have the right to change another person. Or is the opposite true: am I obliged to point out ‘wrongs’ in the other person.

And right now of course I am thinking what ‘wrong’ and what is ‘right’? And I don’t know the answer, but it is an interesting question to keep in mind.

So yes, looking forward to your comments on this.

Communism

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Yeah, I guess my ideas are pretty communist. And I am not sure if I always have been. But yes, for a long time I have been annoyed with people mixing communism with the political systems in the Soviet Union or China. As to me they have and had nothing to do with the pure idea of communism of doing what you like doing and receiving what you want or need. And I never got how people mixed those totalitarian systems with ‘the state’ controlling everything with communism. As those systems like in Soviet Union and China were about control, where in my idea communism is about freedom.

And who would not want to live in a communist system where you just do the things you like to do and are provided with the things you need and want. But well, while thinking about it, maybe the people who want or need power wouldn’t like it. Or would they? Like is wanting power, wanting to control things, other people really a need or want of some people?

So do I want power? Well, I’m not sure, maybe. A good sample may be what happened earlier today. As one of our female dogs is in heat and of course the young male dog wants to mate, which is kind of funny and sad, as the female dog is a Mini Pinscher and the male dog is a Rottweiler. This of course creates technically a problem, as the Rottweiler is way too large to mate with the Mini Pinscher. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about that of course the male Rottweiler is continuously chasing the Mini Pinscher, which is kind of annoying as sometimes they just sit near my desk, which caused them caught up in the wires of my speakers making my speakers fall on the ground. And of course sometimes I just get tired of all this, and especially when the speakers fell on the floor I got really angry. And yes, at that moment I wanted to control the dogs (exercise power), which I did.

So how would this work in a communist system? Would one still feel violated and want to exercise power in that case, even if one is not power hungry, needy or ‘wanty’?

Not sure, looking forward to your comments.