Tag Archives: Thoughts

What is wrong with me?

Most of my life I have been searching for what is wrong with me. And I never really found the answer. So maybe this answers something:

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Let our scars fall in love.”

Galway Kinnell

And while looking at this, it may just be what I am looking for, it may just be what people call love. What about you?

Mamma Mia!

Mamma Mia!

Mamma Mia!Strange, everything starts with a thought. Or not, as in this case it was a CD that we played in the car of a friend that we used last week to go for a day trip to Iligan. So my thought came from something I heard, from something someone else had. So the CD was a soundtrack of the movie Mamma Mia!, or as far as I remember not the real soundtrack, but at least the songs from the movie. And this made me also play the songs from this movie on my computer as I downloaded it quite some time ago. And next to this I also decided to download the movie as I really like it and like to see it in high quality. So yesterday or so the download was finished, so tonight I decided to watch the movie. And right from the start it caused a lot of memories and emotions boil up. The first thing I noticed was that the music was of high quality, the ‘5.1 thing’ or something. So I decided to move the back speakers on the couch as I wanted to enjoy the full experience of the music, of the technical quality of the music. And the quality of the movie on the screen and the quality of the music made me realize that over the last decades somehow technology has progressed a lot. And that it is kind of a miracle that I can watch a movie on a TV with a resolution of 1920×1080 pixels in high quality sound with six speakers, six music channels. And I downloaded this movie for free over the internet, it is stored on the hard disk of a server somewhere in our office and it is streamed over the network in our house to the TV. And also the music I played earlier this week and that I am playing right now is stored on the hard disk of a computer and I think I also downloaded for free.

Memories

And this music means a lot to me, as my ex-partner was an ABBA fan and seeing this movie brings back a lot of memories from the trips we made together, especially to Berlin, when we played CD’s on the way in the car. And I remember those days as a very good time, as the time I enjoyed life the most, which was probably true when we first met, the first few years, the years that seem to bring back all those good memories. And the movie kind has the same subject, where Donna kind of goes back to ‘the good time’, which of course was also not  really a good time, in perspective. And I did like ABBA before as before I met Nico I also owned LP’s from them. And so many emotions came up watching this movie and even right now, as I’m still crying. One thing that came up, next to the holiday memories, was that Nico once said that most of the songs of ABBA are about lost love, about love that is over. And I never realized that before he said that, and after being confronted with that I was never able to listen to the music I did before. And the song mostly related to that is Our Last Summer, which at that time was just one of my favorite songs, somehow even ‘our’ ABBA song, the ABBA song I related to our relationship. And it is still one of my favorite songs, especially the version from the ABBA Teens and now also the version from Mamma Mia!. And somehow it is still related to my previous relationship in a positive way, as we were supposed to grow old together. But we didn’t, still weird.

Musical

Wow, and so many things in my head now. I just want to keep on writing, tell my story, tell everything that is in my head right now. Like that I really admire how someone was able to use those ABBA songs to make a musical out of it, where those songs fit so perfectly that you would almost believe they were written for it. But of course it must be the other way around and what amazes me most is that many songs are being used in a way different from their original meaning, their original context. And I always thought the musical was written by Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson but today I saw in the trailer that it was written by Catherine Johnson,

Growing (old?)

ABBAAnd it’s so weird to hear all those songs now, that were part of my growing up, my years as a teenager and a student, and later in the years of my first relationship. And weird that that is now so long ago and that things like ABBA mostly are only there for a relatively short number of years, where it was a big thing. And looking back a big thing for me as a teenager, as a student, where now I guess most younger people wouldn’t really know what ABBA is or was. And realizing now that the generation before me had other artists, other music they grew up with. Or not only music, but also other things. And that scares me sometimes, that I just prefer to use Windows XP on a standard computer with a 4:3 screen and don’t like to use a tablet or a mobile phone as a computer or to access things on the internet. And that goes even further, as I don’t like the recent structures for websites as these structures are more focused on mobile use with a relatively small touch screen and less for a computer with a mouse with a normal screen. So yes, somehow I’m starting to feel old, that there are things I’m just used to and comfortable with, where the younger generation seems to prefer other things. And no, not old in the sense of outdated or something or not willing to adapt to newer technology or something. Just old in the sense of being used to certain things and preferring not to change as the stuff I grew up with just suits me well and the newer stuff just does not suit me so well. But somehow weird, realizing to be of middle age and that there is a generation after me, that there are generations after me. And at the same time realizing that there were generations before me.

Amazing

And I know I am often complaining about things not working, especially recently my internet. But being an engineer and knowing a bit about statistics it is amazing where we have arrived as humanity, e.g. being able to produce a TV with 1920×1080 pixels where all those more than 2 million(!) pixels, screen areas are just working, for years, without ever one of them failing. And that’s only part of the story, because that same TV has quite some chips and cables and whatever is needed to produce an image on the screen and to produce sound we can hear, in the case of the movie I was watching tonight even six channel music. And a lot of software, developed by many, many people over many, many years.

And the strange thing of our time is that especially the digital stuff is practically for free, as it can easily be copied, not only from computer to computer, but also over the internet. And copying is already as old as I am, as when I was a teenager I copied music from the radio or borrowed LP’s or CD’s to cassette tapes. And computer programs from floppy disk to floppy disk. Or later from CD to CD. And right now from DVD to DVD.

And another strange thing is that many products are also very cheap, like you can’t imagine how anyone can earn from it (anymore). Which I guess is also true, as we produce very many things with machines and in places were labor is cheap.

Distribution

And related to that I was, and the last year(s) often am, thinking how all these things can be produced while at the same moment paying the people who make or do all those things a decent salary. And this is a subject I wrote about more and will write about more. As being a software developer I am also confronted with cheap labor as software can be developed anywhere in the world now, even though the same thing has been going on for decades or maybe even hundreds of years: growing international competition. And having grown up in an industrialized, Western country I was on the good side of all this. But now living in a so called developing country I also see the other side of ‘Western efficiency’. And looking at the world as a whole, at the world economy, I start to believe more and more that we need some kind of different model to distribute the wealth, to distribute everything that is available in the world, either being products, digital stuff or services. Although the last appears to be the easiest, although with my experience with large companies delivering service type products the efficiency model doesn’t seem to work so well.

And looking at my download of the movie Mamma Mia! or other movies, do I feel guilty? No, not really, especially as I guess it may be very hard to buy that movie locally in the same quality, although that is something worth checking. And in the end I guess I even prefer movies in digital format as they don’t take up space but just reside somewhere on a (very small) hard disk.

But yes, somehow this creates, must create a problem for the movie industry. And my main worry is that if the movie industry can’t earn enough, there won’t be new movies of high quality anymore. But somehow famous actors seem to be still very rich and also movie studios seem to do well.

But somehow I believe we need some other model, as the giving side as the receiving side both seem to suffer. No, maybe not on the highest level with the most famous, large companies. But on the middle and lower levels.

Let’s find a way!

So let’s find a way, as we are close to a time humanity has always striven for: having goods and services without having to work for it. And technically we can, so why not organize it in a way everybody can benefit from it?

Control your thoughts

I am still thinking a lot about the statement of Napoleon Hill and many others that you can control your thoughts. And in a way that’s true, but what I recently notice is that it’s not always that easy to focus your thoughts on something else if there is something in the way. As my thoughts keep coming back to the malware/spyware script that is still inserted by my Internet Service Provider that I can’t do so much about. And I’m confronted with it every time I open a site, especially if I test sites on the internet. And I don’t have much option at the moment as one internet service provider, who has served us here since 2006 can’t deliver anymore a decent internet connection. And the other has worse service and is inserting those scripts in websites that most people would call hacking. And their infrastructure is not as good as the infrastructure of the other, so I”m also constantly confronted with pages that don’t open or open slow or don’t show up properly, partly probably because they mess with the content of web pages.

So yes, I decided not to do anything about that today, but I didn’t fully manage to do that, as, what I just explained, even right now I feel confronted with it as this very page I am writing right now probably has that script inserted. And I was confronted with it the moment I opened the site, this site, to login as the design is affected by the script.

And the problem is that as far as I know I only have two options here for internet access. And yes, I’m trying to see the advantage and yes, I am trying to do some positive things around this whole issue. And looking at the richness I am still searching, the money, I am even thinking big, like starting a new Internet Service Providing company here, connecting to some foreign company or something. So yes, Think and Grow Rich and many other ideas and books have made me start think big.

But in the mean time it’s just annoying, even though I am very happy I have access to internet again from home, regardless of the inserted scripts and stuff.

But controlling my thoughts and focusing on something else, not always easy, especially as I wanted to write an inspiring post today, but I’m not fully sure if I managed.

But maybe I did if you are someone involved in the internet industry and looking for a new challenge, a location to build a new internet infrastructure. Or if you also think big, dream big and want to do something big together with me.

So please let me know, as I think we can do better, humanity can do better, The Philippines can do better and certainly Globe and Smart can do better.

No clue

I have no clue what to write about right now. I am still kind of bothered with all this internet stuff, even though I decided to NOT work on that today, but do something tomorrow with it, about it. But not easy as even while I was checking this page and writing right now I see that is messed up by the Globe malware/spyware. And yes, that’s what I learned, that sticking to decisions is quite helpful, even though it’s not always easy. As it makes life kind of simpler. And I learned some discipline, like finishing all the tasks I put to myself every day. And mostly I do, even though every now and then it’s just too much and I allow myself to stop, to rest.

And that still seems to be one of my weaknesses, that I’m just planning too much on one day. And/or just continue going, even though maybe I should stop, say stop to myself. But that’s still kind of a dilemma to me, as I still kind of presume that successful people are busy. And yes, mostly they are. But I also am, even though I often allow myself to do ‘nothing’.

But yes, I also agree with what I read somewhere, that successful people often don’t work so hard. That they somehow manage to get things done without too much effort. And that must be like putting other people to work or something. But somehow that’s not it.

So yes, still some secret there, something I still don’t get. As I am persistent, if not just very stubborn, can work hard and often do more than I see other people do and somehow it doesn’t seem to work.

So what about you? Are you successful? So what’s your secret? Or are you not and still kind of struggling like me?

Please let me know your thoughts.

Empty screen

Still not easy what I am trying to do here, with Inspiration for Success. I want to inspire people, but don’t feel inspiration myself. And I want to change the world, but don’t know how to get the audience.

So right now I’m not sure what to do with Inspiration for Success, with this website. Somehow I’m still committed to my goals, creating a website to inspire people who need inspiration and create a big change in the world so people can enjoy more of what humanity has to offer in goods and services. But I have no clue how to continue and I’m just tired doing it alone. And I tried to build a team to create leverage, but somehow they were and are too busy to contribute to the project with real content, with real action. And yes, somehow they wanted money, wanted return straight away, which as of the moment I don’t know how to realize. And they didn’t believe in my million dollar type of goals. So somehow they also didn’t get the point of aiming big, as in my opinion there is enough small and mediocre.

So yes, time for evaluation and planning. But the last apparently is not my strength. And that’s also what I needed my team, my Master Mind for. And that appears to be maybe my biggest weakness, inspire other people or motivate them to do things.

So what now?

And yes, still looking forward to your comments, any comments. As that would inspire me and would also give me some more idea of what direction to go, even though the direction is already clear to me.