Tag Archives: Understanding

Self analysis, question 6

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Until now the question “Do you suffer frequently with indigestion? If so, what is the cause” completely didn’t make sense to me, including other references to the word indigestion in Think and Grow Rich as I never had any problems going to the toilet or something, like not being able to digest.

Just now I decided to check what indigestion really means and to my amazement it includes or is mainly related to stomach problems. And the last few months I had quite severe stomach problems, like a burning feeling, even so bad that it affects my sleep, my falling to sleep.

So yes, recently I suffer from indigestion, even a lot. So this question suddenly seems to be related to me, while before I couldn’t relate it in any way to me.

And what I the cause? I have no clue, but I guess it has something to do with some kind of viral or bacterial infection that had gone away after visiting a doctor and taking medicines, but that has come back somewhere during the last week or so, even though the burning feeling has been present for a while now.

So well, something to think about. And maybe something I should have checked after reading Wikipedia.

Self analysis: question 3

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Question 3 in the self analysis questions is “Do you frequently make mistakes in your work, and if so, why?” is a question I never really understood as I didn’t believe I made so many mistakes, but recently I noticed that while programming I often use some kind of trial and error message and while starting this post right now I realize I made lots of mistakes, big mistakes, otherwise my business would be thriving right now and not technically bankrupt.

So maybe there is some more to this question than I initially thought, maybe especially thinking of the small programming mistakes I make, at least for now. The large business mistakes I think I need to think a bit more about before writing about them or analyzing them properly.

And the programming mistakes are just related to that that seems to be the fastest way to develop websites, web applications, programs, at least with PHP, the scripting language I use. And it is strange, mentioning PHP, or even using it, as it is kind of the worst programming languages in existence. Or actually it is not even a programming language, it is some kind of script interpreter where ‘anything is allowed’, the worst way of programming in existence, contrary to more formal and real languages like Pascal (the language I learned first) and Java, a more recent, very strict, programming language.

So how I use it is kind of write or change one or a few lines of code, then see if it works and then repeat the process. And apparently that is the fastest way, at least for me, to develop code, to develop the stuff I am making the things I am good at. But with this question in mind and with the idea that I was taught to do something right the first time my method of developing software, my working method appears to be a bit strange. As most code I write has many errors the first time, which I just solve by testing the result and solving the errors.

And thinking further my way of programming is also very weird, as normally one makes some kind of design, preferably written down and discussed with the customer, where I just see the thing I want to build, am building in my head, through my imagination, at least the structure, and then just build it. And recently I read a book about cognitive science and when reading that book I realize I build software, websites, web applications as an expert, as I can’t tell you or anyone else how I do it, I just do it, I just ‘see’ in my head how it is supposed to be and then I build it.

So why do I make so many little mistakes, and also bigger mistakes, sometimes kind of fatal (programming) mistakes that sometimes show up much later, where fatal means that customers or website users would see them.

Well, I guess the why is that I believe that it is the fastest way of building the stuff I make. Or the most efficient. Or the cheapest. As I can type fast and program fast and with that fast pace it is often the fastest way to accept errors and correct them after testing, after checking if it works or not.

But anyhow, the question made me think about the enormous amount of typing and small programming mistakes I make. And that is okay, as it works for me. But right now the question is triggering another question: if I also make so many mistakes in other areas of my life and if that would also be acceptable or the fastest way.

So that is something to think about further, analyze further. But not now.

Thanks for reading and of course comments are very welcome as usual.

Self analysis: question 1

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Recently I have been overwhelmed by the most dangerous ‘ghost of fear’, the fear of poverty and in analogy of what I have done in my Dutch site related to codependency I want to answers the self analysis questions from Napoleon Hill as stated in the chapter The Six Ghosts of Fear. And today is a good day to start, as this morning, and the last few mornings and days, I woke up pretty tense, so tense that I could hardly get started doing anything the beginning of the day.

So the first question “Do you complain often of “feeling bad”, and if so, what is the cause?” may be very applicable to my current state and what I am doing in this post and probably am doing in this site. As somehow I started this post with complaining about feeling tense. And feeling tense is inclusive of feeling bad. And looking back at the site I think many of my posts include complaints and probably complaints related to feeling bad.

So yes, it seems I often complain about feeling bad. And as far as I know that is also the reason that many friends don’t want to deal with me anymore, avoid me. And of course I don’t like that and of course that makes me feel bad. So I may be in some kind of circle, feeling bad and with that also creating circumstances that make me feel bad or worse.

So what is the reason behind my feeling bad, what is the cause? And I never found a real answer to that, even though I have read this question quite a few times and also did some effort a while ago to really answer those questions honestly, working on them honestly.

The first thing that comes up with me right now though is that I don’t feel appreciated, that the cause of my feeling bad is that I don’t feel appreciated, or more specifically that my efforts are not being appreciated. And even more specifically that my efforts are not being appreciated by others, especially customers, or before ‘bosses’. And, together with what I have been doing, reading, researching lately, this may indeed be the root cause of my unhappiness, my complaining, that I don’t feel appreciated by others.

And maybe, while writing, the main reason behind that is that I don’t appreciate myself, that I don’t appreciate my efforts or the results of my efforts or just myself. And maybe this first analysis question just points me again to something I found quite a while ago in Think and Grow Rich, that the main cause of failure is lack of self confidence. And that the main ingredient for achieving success is self confidence. And right now I want to add that the main ingredient for success may even just be self acceptance, or more positively stated, self appreciation. As maybe it is true that if you can’t appreciate yourself, how can someone else appreciate you?

So maybe work on that, start with that, looking more at who I am and what I am doing here and appreciating that, just that, appreciating myself.

(Mis)understanding

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I got myself again into something I completely don’t understand. Or maybe I understand, but I have no clue how to get out of it.

So I got myself this job on oDesk a few days ago. And I was amazed as, and I think I wrote about that before, I don’t have good experience with sites like that. And the start was kind of weird, as I just wanted to do something, something simple, so I applied for a job that mentioned, among other things, The Philippines. And I put an, in my opinion, low rate, as to just build ‘something’ on oDesk, as it helps to build e.g. a reputation with good feedback.

And to my amazement shortly after I got an e-mail and found myself having an interview with a customer, someone who wanted my services. And it was a bit a weird conversation, as he was looking for someone for longer term. But the hourly rate was a big issue for him, and also for me. But anyhow, I needed the money, and somehow he was interested and needed some work done, so we decided on some small test, where I put somewhere in the comments of oDesk something like ‘test project to get to know each other’.

And while this all was happening I found myself working on a mini-project already, which was about some, according to me, non-issue in programming. So I found myself spending like two hours figuring out what the client wanted, where in the end the real issue was a ‘one minute’ program change that I had also kind of done in the first minute. And to my amazement the customer was very happy, where I felt very awkward, as in my feeling we just spend two hours on a ‘non-issue’. But somehow it made me very happy, as I know this is exactly the thing I often makes mistakes with, don’t understand. How other people can be happy with something that is ‘nothing’ for me.

And I need to think now what happened after, but yes, it came back, as it was late in the evening for me (and somewhere afternoon for him) and he wanted something else done, so we agreed I would continue with another project the next morning. So he we discussed what he wanted to be done and we agreed I would work on it the next morning.

So the next morning I was very happy to have work and first opened my e-mail to see if there were further instructions, which there weren’t. So the next morning, yesterday, I just started to work, only to find out shortly after that there was indeed an e-mail indicating that the work already had been started by someone else, so that my services were not needed. Of course this made me very disappointed, as I could really use the work and also just liked having a paid job again, since quite some time. Anyhow, there was nothing I could do, so I just stopped the work and went on with other things, including helping a friend in the afternoon with preparing for hanging speakers and paintings on the wall, as she just has a new house. And after a meeting about my current own project DoctorsConnect and a meeting with another client.

And to my amazement I received a phone call from my oDesk client around six pm indicating that there was work available and if I would be able and willing to work. So again, as I could really use the money, I indicated I expected to be home about four hours later and could work for him.

And the four hours became something like six hours, but around midnight I turned on my computer and was ready to work. And the first assignment was to make final changes to the stuff that another, the other, oDesk employee apparently had made. And I didn’t fully get it, as it appeared the page was almost finished, as letting someone else make changes in a design and html code didn’t make any sense to me, as working on someone else’s code is often very time consuming, which in this case it really was, as the other person had used quite a weird way to create that page, a way that I guess most web developers wouldn’t understand straight away. But as my client was very happy with the other employee, as he had been very happy with my earlier work and as, for me, it was a cheap, hourly contract, I decided just to follow, to do what was asked without complaining or giving any advice or whatever. Just do the best I could within the limits that were given. And of course reporting very faithful my activities in the oDesk tool for hourly jobs, as I just felt a ‘stupid’ worker being hired for programming and html skills. Especially I didn’t want to comment on the other person’s work, as my client appeared very, very happy with him, even though I thought his solution was very bad. But the client had indicated that he didn’t mind about code quality, as long as it looked as he wanted. So again, no reason for me to complain, as especially this kind of situation, maintaining very bad code from another person, where I didn’t even have access to part of it, can make even the simplest change very time consuming.

So I started making the requested changes, only to find out that also the instructions for the changes were giving in a way that took me quite some checking and reading and re-checking to try to figure out what my client exactly wanted. And of course I was very tired, which I indicated to the client, including a remark that this meant that things would take more time than usual. And which he agreed with, as he made clear he really wanted it done right now.

So I decided to give up even my daily posts and the sending of my daily quote and my hours of sleep, where you may know that not doing my daily tasks related to Inspiration for Success is a big thing for me. But I need the money and I was very happy that God had sent me this job and I wanted to satisfy the customer and show that I was really determined to make it work, so I decided to keep working until my client appeared offline and didn’t respond anymore and my colleague indicated he was going to sleep. And as I got more and more sleepy and the instructions were less clear than I thought they were I decided also it was enough around four am, I think it may even have been four thirty am.

And then the whole thing also kind of didn’t make sense anymore, as what was the use continuing working on something nobody would see or use before the next afternoon, this afternoon, as my client is located in Europe. And I was just tired and I guess mainly because of that lost and confused, so the whole thing didn’t make sense, as it hadn’t done anyhow, as even when I began the whole thing it could have never been finished anyhow, unless I would have worked without sleep until noon or this afternoon today. So I also still didn’t understand the client, as I could have done the whole thing last Friday, or I could have done it today, fully rested and much more efficient. But, as I had decided to follow the client and as he also didn’t respond anymore I didn’t see any reason not to go to sleep, also as continuing didn’t make any sense anyhow, as the assignment was not clear enough.

So this morning I woke up very late and very stressed. And I felt very bad, as last night I basically hadn’t delivered anything, but, as I was working on an hourly contract and the client had asked me to spend the time, I didn’t feel I had done anything wrong.

Anyhow, after a while I decided to go to work and during my break I had decided to continue with another assignment the client had given me. An assignment I could do fully on my own, creating clean code as I am used to, also presuming I could do that much faster. And of course showing to the client that my way of creating stuff is good and more efficient. One of the reasons I wanted the job, also to challenge myself, testing if I am really that good.

And it took me more time than expected to create the basic thing, but as usual I just pushed through, even though the client also seemed to be a bit impatient. And I thought I kept the client updated of what I was doing, including samples of the work, and I presumed that the oDesk time tracking system was my ‘safety’ for the worked hours, only to find out that the client became more and more impatient and seemed to be more and more unhappy with what I had been doing.

So after finishing my initial draft of the second assignment, which I was very satisfied with, things started to feel more and more wrong. And the main issue seemed to be the assignment from last night, the work I did because the client had asked me to, even though it didn’t make much sense to me. My ‘following orders’, following the client, trying to satisfy the client on an hourly contract. Where I thought I had indicated that I was tired and that things probably would take longer. And where I had to deal with bad code of which the client had indicated he didn’t care about that. And where I had sacrificed my nightly hours, where I basically wanted to relax and sleep as I had had a very busy day.

So the situation got from bad to worse, where the client demanded me to refund the time from last night, the time that had cost me so much, even before, as I felt very pressured to go home when I was still in the city. And he demanded me to finish both assignments in one and a half hour, something I didn’t feel comfortable about anymore, as it was not clear to me anymore what he exactly wanted, especially related to the first assignment. And the whole thing had made me careful about the second assignment, as if he wanted  multiple iterations for that page it might take hours, regardless how efficient I would be with the code, something I believe I am. So finishing an unclear assignment being tired, my Saturday coming to an end and the client not even willing to cooperate anymore giving feedback, where I became unsure of being paid anyhow for anything. No, that didn’t feel good, especially when the client started demanding a decision from me, choices between ‘bad’, ‘worse’ or ‘very bad’. Like finishing all the work, which would certainly take hours, meaning my weekend would probably be fully gone. A client not willing to cooperate like giving proper feedback, or things like refunding hours, like half the time I spent for the whole assignment where I already agreed on a rate I consider very low.

So it became later and later, also as I needed time to think and relax, and the client started pushing and pushing more, finally even calling me on my mobile, which I felt really offended about, as it is still my Saturday evening which I consider private. Or actually I consider all my time mine, as we didn’t make any agreements on which times to work. He only indicated 20 hours in the contract. So it appeared that I was actually working on a project basis and not on an hourly basis.

So after the phone call I found that he had called me on Skype. And it seems he felt offended I was not replying. But I was just away and I might have just replied when I would have been at my computer.

And keep in mind that this all happened on a Saturday, the latest part even Saturday evening. Where the client had indicated he didn’t want to pay me anymore, so I had also stopped the time registration. And he had indicated all my work was bad. And finally it seemed he wanted me to deliver the bad work. Which was basically available to him online. But he didn’t want to pay me (anymore).

So yes, I felt and feel lost. And yes, while writing the above I also realize a bit more how this must be for my client. But I think I also offered him fair solutions. And to me we are just not finalized with our negotiation. And yes, I understand he is under time pressure. But if he wants my time, especially in the weekend and especially in this situation, I think it is just fair to pay me. Keep in mind I didn’t commit my time. As to me 20 hours per week would normally be working days, unless agreed otherwise. But he also didn’t want to give ma a planning. And if my work is so bad, then why does he want it? Why doesn’t he just hire someone else.

Anyhow, I guess you get the point, or not. And you may think the main reason for writing this post and publishing it here is to just vent my feelings and explain how ‘right’ I am. And I guess of course that is part of it. But the main reason to start writing here about this is that the client appears to be Sunil Tulsiani. And his Private Investment Club. So apparently  this is about someone who is very successful, very rich. Or at least pretends to be.

So that made me think something like if this is the way to become rich, to be rich, to be successful, complaining about five hours of work at USD 10.00 per hour, so USD 50.00, where I on receive USD 9.00 per hour, so USD 45.00, I don’t fully get it.

And yes, of course I understand that becoming rich is also, or may be, about being careful with USD 50.00. And that he wants ‘results’. And that it needs to be perfect. But I don’t understand why someone like Sunil Tulsiani, a millionaire, would make such a fuzz about USD 50.00 where to me there is just a misunderstanding between parties, where the supplier may have made a mistake or mistakes, but where I believe the client also has made mistakes.

So well, I was already starting to doubt all those ‘success sites’. And all those people claiming to be millionaires. And I am starting to doubt more now, about all those stories, all those millionaires. So should I believe Sunil Tulsiani? Would you?

Emotional Intelligence

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Wow, my aunt created something by mentioning I could use some more emotional intelligence. As while reading about emotional intelligence on the Dutch Wikipedia I ended up in the site ‘eqi‘ that has a wealth about, well humans, human needs. And what happens when human needs are not met.

And suddenly, while reading about respect, I realized that my needs had not been taken into account when I grew up, that my dad ruled with fear, not with respect. And that this is probably the cause why my life went as it went, is what it is. As I only know fear, not respect.

And don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with my dad, as he just did what he could, did what he thought was best, I guess, or actually I am sure, even more. But it was not enough, not for me, not for my needs.

And right now I feel very relaxed, even though while writing this sentence the fear jumps up again, as it seems I am just scared to be relaxed, to be me. Just scared that I count, that my feelings and needs and wants count. And not my dads, yes, what, also needs and feelings and wants?

So an hour or so ago I was overwhelmed with fatigue, so overwhelmed that I felt the need to lie down, and I did. But it felt good as it seems I got answers, maybe the most important answer in my life so far, that it may be all about respect, not fear.

And I was thinking about my dad, how he had become like he did. And I always wonder if it was because he served in the military at a very young age, something he didn’t want, something he was forced to do. And something I know also had a big influence on his life, his career, as he often mentioned those few years just put him behind, just made he felt always behind his colleagues who had not had that three year break. And right now I am thinking if I inherited that thinking from him, as I also always felt behind in my career, not sure knowing why, except that I had quite some difficulties in my youth when I grew up, partially or mainly because I am gay.

And it is strange, thinking about my dad, as if he were as strong, as stubborn as I am, it may indeed have been very true that he was broken by the military discipline (Dutch word ‘tucht’). Or maybe he was broken additionally by losing his wife at a pretty young age, together with the child she was bearing. And I guess there was no psychological help at the time, no internet where you can find all those things, thoughts about things like grieving and fear and respect. Or maybe it also started earlier for him, when he had to take care of his semi-brother, the son of a brother and sister of his, at least that is waht I know, even though I don’t know the full story about that. But I know my dad was being teased about it at school, by his classmates or something.

And yes, while thinking, those things made him also believe he ‘had to’ do all kinds of things, the phrase I am most haunted by, ‘have to’. He even took care of his semi-brother when he was old as apparently people closer to uncle Gerard, like his real father or mother or their children, didn’t seem to care. Or just didn’t know they could have done it.

So maybe there are parallels with me also there, as I felt obliged to be the responsible person for my sister, who was mentally handicapped. And that has put me in great trouble now, even though of course I made the mistakes there myself. And that feels so unfair, as I felt obliged, and did take the responsibility, only to find out that now I am in trouble and blamed for all kinds of things, things that would have never happened if I hadn’t felt obliged.

So yeah, this reading about fear and respect and realizing that this all comes from the family I grew up in, made me think about my dad, about his life, how it had all come to be. So it feels like my heart opens right now, seeing the life of my dad, asking myself how he dealt with all those things, impossible things to deal with. And I guess if he were still alive I would have liked to know more about that, how he became what he became, but maybe he wouldn’t know, maybe he had locked his feelings also away, same like me.

And while writing the last I realize he told me about that, that there were things he had locked away, things he didn’t want to touch, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to know. What a pity he probably was never able to deal with those things and live a happy, free life.

And he always looked so controlled, and always said he was happy. But I never believed him, and neither did my mam, as she also always said something like ‘he says he is happy’. And I know my mam was kind of jealous of that, that my dad was ‘happy’.

And maybe he was, maybe he did find a way to deal with all the bad stuff that had happened to him in his life. But the more I think about this now, the more I don’t believe that, the more I believe that he must have been very unhappy, just coping with life, similar to what I seem to have been doing most of my life.

So I guess I will ask him, later today, in my mind. And maybe this time he will open up, as it felt that he never really opened up to me. Maybe those were just the things that stood between him and me, the things he couldn’t talk about, the things he had hidden away, or found some other way to deal with.

So I guess I have to thank my aunt for her e-mail, for being blunt and honest with me, in her own way. And I am still not sure what is really going on inside her, as recently she appeared in the way my mam often describes her, ‘nuchter’ (down to earth), same as she described my dad. And it seems I also lost her, as she indicated she doesn’t want to communicate anymore. And I am always in doubt with her, as she always says I should not write here, and in my Dutch blog, especially my Dutch blog, in public. But I also know she reads at least the stuff in my Dutch blog, very regularly. And that always makes me smile, especially as I know I don’t have so many readers there, but I know I have, or had, a loyal reader. And the strange thing is she may even be the person that helps me continue writing, especially my Dutch blog. As I know I have at least one reader and yes, writing in public is also a way for me to tell people things, so sometimes I try to tell her things, just like now. That somehow I appreciate her, even though I understand her less and less recently. And that she is still helping me, even much, much more than before, when she was the only one who I felt understood what was going on here.

So no, I don’t want to offend her. I am just looking for ways to tell her I appreciate her being there for me, even though she may not fully understand what I mean and that I think it is really genuine. And is it love, no not really. I don’t know exactly what it is. But I am just thankful for everything she has done and is doing for me, even if she is not communicating.

And I guess I am not good at these things, just talk too much, like now. So let this be it.