Tag Archives: Sex

Love is blind?

I am more and more amazed with the power of sex; or of romantic love; or love; or whatever one may call it. Or is it something else?

I find myself more and more in an impossible situation, or not really impossible, but a situation I could have never imagined before, when I was a child. It seems that many things I was told about life when I was a child were a lie, or at least not true. And yes, I guess my parents and other teachers didn’t know better. They could not have taught me things they did not know. And how could they have known?

And I guess many things they did not really teach me. Many things I believed came from my own imagination. Or from what I read or knew or heard of.

And no, I don’t like where I stand now. And yes, it seems I still blame it on my past, on others, on God, on whatever. Or yes, on the person I love, the person I love most. And it is not true a human being can just ‘move on’. As I have a big loan to pay and I have no clue how I would do that; or even agree to the new, very fair, agreement that is in the making. How can I make commitments on things I don’t know, on things I can’t control?

Yes, I believed in love, and somehow I guess I still do. But it seems indeed love is blind, stupid. How can that be, as to me love is still sweet and nice and pleasant and a good thing. But no, it appears not to be, at least not the romantic love I believed in.

So what is this thing I used to call love? Just lust, just sex, just sexual need, just instinct? And why is it so bad, why did it have such a bad outcome for me, at least the last few years and as of this moment? And how would I make up? And how would I control my sexual urges, my sexual needs? Just suppress them? But that just seems to create more unmanageability. Or indeed, try to remove them through castration or something? Yes, that is how far I have come now, even somehow considering something like that, although not really seriously, as that seems to only kind of sure way to take away sexual feelings.

But then what, what is the world, what is life without romantic love? To me a day without romantic love, yes without making love or something, a day without sleeping together, yes, preferably with my lover and partner, something I don’t have and somehow don’t want anymore? What is a day without that?

Or is it still all about the emptiness, the spiritual emptiness I am trying to fill and that cannot be filled without believing in some kind of loving God or loving Higher Power? Or about loving myself, but isn’t that the same thing? I often wonder if it would not be hard for (a) God to love Himself, as He would also need to live with the consequences of his choices, like the suffering that is probably the result of giving man ‘free will’.

Monogamy impossible?

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No more sponsor

Secret photo of Guus. I just kind of decided to let go of my sponsor. And that was kind of a hard decision, and affects me right now a lot, as I feel like sharing, complaining, or whatever. And yes, I still need some kind of advice, as I feel like being fully being back to square one, fully have fallen back to my old, bad behaviors. I almost ended up having a one night stand a few days ago and I hate that so much, don’t really believe in that. I believe in having a relationship with one partner, one lover, yes, a monogamous relationship. But that is so hard if that partner, that person is not there.

And I am not sure how to continue now, as I don’t really want to go into human sexual needs or something, as, yes, somehow that feels like appropriate writing about. And this site is supposed to be about success, and certainly not about my unfulfilled sexual needs. But yeah, somehow my unfulfilled sexual needs play a big part in me being unsuccessful, in me being so unhappy. Like I notice the last few weeks, months, I am moving into unwanted sexual behavior, in what I believe in unhealthy sexual behavior. But yes, where will I go if I don’t see any healthy way of dealing with sexual feelings, with sexual needs. And I know sometimes it drives me crazy, when I don’t have sex for a long time, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes even years, then in the end I just feel, well, sometimes ‘jumpy’, sometimes just bad, sometimes just unfulfilled, well, whatever. And yes, I try to suppress that, try to ignore it, try to do something else sometimes. But yes, sometimes nothing seems to work to deal with that, sometimes that feeling just needs to come out, becomes overwhelming. Like the last few days, weeks, I notice I hardly do anything anymore, hardly anything comes out of my hands, as I feel so along, so useless, like nobody wants me, or at least wants me in the way I want it, in the way I like it, in the way I feel I need it.

Two people and trust needed

And the hard thing with sex is, at least for me, in the end you need two people for it, two people being physically together. And that is hard to arrange in my experience, if you want a monogamous intimate relationship with one person. And in my case even harder to arrange, as I even want to want it with one specific person, the person I have been with for many, many years, but who says he doesn’t want me anymore. But he is still here, came back, lives in the same house as I live. So how can I believe him, that he is only here ‘because he is part owner of the house’.

And yes, I also understand how hard it is for him to believe me, to trust me, also sexually, as I have not been fully faithful to him over the years, no matter whether I believed I was single, that he had left me. And even now I am not faithful to him, as my escape, my coping mechanism to handle my sexual feelings, my sexual needs, is internet sex, like chatting and exchanging photos. Sometimes even having video chat, although I am trying to avoid that.

So how can I gain the trust back of that person, of the person I love, the person I want to be with, the person I want to have a relationship with, the person I want to be my lover and partner when I can’t even trust myself, can’t wait for him to be ready for that again, connecting to other guys, having sex chat, things like that.

But yeah, as far as I know sexual feelings can be pretty strong, at least they are for me, so they are very hard to ignore; and very hard to suppress. So yeah, how to deal with that and at the same time be faithful, to myself and to him?

Sexuality normal?

And slowly I am hearing more and more people say it is normal to have those feelings and do things like that. That most or all people do things like that, watching porn, having sexual chats, exchanging sexual photos, and yes, even having one night stands, just having sex.

But I still don’t like that, don’t want that. But not easy, staying sane and not doing any of that. And I didn’t find a better way yet, waiting for my partner to be with me again, my biggest dream in life.

My biggest dream in life.

My biggest dream in life: Lee and me being lovers again.

Sleeping around?

And thinking about what I wrote before you may think I have been sleeping around like crazy, but that is not the case. More of the opposite, actually more of the extreme opposite. And don’t get me wrong, nothing wrong with that. If you are adult of even teenager and you like having sex, no matter if you are in a relationship and you are alone, please go ahead. And if you are in a relationship and you and your partner are okay or enjoy having sex with other people, please go ahead. Before I considered that bad behavior, as I believed that sex only belonged in relationship, in committed relationship. But over time I changed my mind about that, especially after realizing what happened between Nico, my ex-partner, and me. As what at first couldn’t believe proved to be true: relationships can exist, even if there is sex with other people. I now even believe that it may be more healthy than a monogamous relationship or more healthy than having no sex at all when you are not in a relationship.

So what actually happened?

I feel pretty sure if it is wise to share what I just wrote below here. But somehow I feel the need to share it, maybe just to defend myself that I am not as bad as I think I am. And yeah, if you can’t deal with some very personal stuff of mine, maybe just stop reading here.

So what actually happened related to not being monogamous with Lee? Would I write that here? I tried to tell him, as I think it was not that bad at the time, although the more I think about my sex life, the more guilt I feel. As it seems I made big mistakes, unforgivable mistakes. But then, it seems sex is a very powerful force. And for most of my life my sexual needs were not met. So how can I blame myself so much for making mistakes in that area? Like the last eight months I had no sex, not with anybody. Yes, I had my internet encounters, but no sexual physical contact. And I miss that so much. I thought it was part of ‘normal life’, but apparently it isn’t. At least not for me.

Then, during my trip last year, I had three sexual encounters. Sounds like a lot to me, taking into account that I want to be monogamous, want to be strictly monogamous. But then again, the last time I had sex before was half a year before. And that was kind of a mistake, even though it could have lead to a relationship; at least that I was kind of hoping, thinking. But it didn’t. So another mistake.

And before that it was about half a year earlier or so? I don’t even remember the date, even though I can figure that out. That was the first time I allowed someone in the master bedroom, a big thing for me. And again, nothing really happened, but yes I was with someone, slept with someone. And was it sexual, well, yes and no I guess.

Before that I remember I met two people I had sexual encounters with. With one, the first, it was a big thing. I had decided to start dating, as Lee had been gone for so long, was mostly in Siargao. So I met someone and we set a date. And finally I decided to bring him home. And finally I decided we would sleep together. And just before that, I texted Lee, as I didn’t really want it, as I really wanted to be with him, stay with him, only have sex with him. So I sent him a very emotional ‘love text’. And the reply stunned me. And then the answer stunned me. And then there was indeed nothing that stopped me to continue what I was doing. And again, nothing really happened, but yes, the encounter was sexual. And I remember how good it felt to hold someone; and to be held by someone. That warm feeling of closeness. That felt soooooo good.

And then, of course I fell in love, as I easily fall in love. But then, also kind of course, it appeared not to be mutual. So another lost cause. Pattern repeating?

And around that time I was connecting to someone else also. And he came to the house. And I just wanted to hug, to hold. And that was the only time there was real sex involved. And no, again, not all the way, but yes, real sex. And after that he just left, not even wanting to stay to sleep with me. And sleeping together is the most important thing, not just having sex. The worse thing was that it happened twice, in a similar way. Me not really wanting it, but yes, allowing it. And again, the first time the feeling was so great. It had been soooooo long since I had some kind of real sex.

Before that, between 2012 and 2015 Lee and I came together again somehow, but not really. And that meant practically no sex, no love making, at least not satisfying to me. And yes, that all goes back to communication as far as I know now. And yes, I was so happy he was back, but I didn’t know how to connect to him in the right way. And I guess that is why he left me behind so much, sexually, intimately. But then, I guess we have never really been good at that. And I guess I am not the only one in that situation.

And 2012 was crazy, as Lee really had left me. I really felt we had broken up. And I was devastated. And yes, with my frustration about not having sex for many, many years, I started dating. Well, not really dating I guess, but just looking for some kind of comfort, any comfort. And strange, reading 2012, as that is five years ago now. A pretty long time. And since then nothing really changed, at least not in sexual matters, even though the last one or two years I made an awful lot of progress after joining Coda.

So what happened in 2012? Well, actually it was crazy, but I guess I can be a bit easy on myself as I was really devastated my second relationship had ended, at least so I believed. So I was about to kill myself and nothing really mattered anymore. Basically three things happened. The first was that I kind of started ‘something’ with some guy I met through a friend. And that ‘through a friend’ made me trust him. How wrong was I, as later on I found out they were not really close friends or something. And that guy, I don’t even remember his name, was nice to me, touched me in a nice way, in a way I never really experienced before. So one day I found myself lying together with him on the couch. And yes, the feeling was great, how he touched me, caressed me. Neither Nico, nor Lee had ever really done that. Nor any of the other guys I had been dating. It had always been about ‘relationship’ or merely ‘sex’, not that feeling of mutual caressing. And please don’t get me wrong, as I considered I had a good relationship with Nico as well as with Lee. So well, I found myself lying on the couch with that guy. And the next day or a few days after again. And the weird thing was that exactly that event made me turn around, made me realize I only wanted Lee, and nobody else. So I decided to write a love letter to him, and yes, I did a lot of effort on that. As I only wanted, and still want, him, Lee.

The kind of funny or sad thing was that the moment Lee received my love letter, he also somehow found out that I had been ‘loving, loving’ with some guy on the couch here. He later told me that that had made him very confused, that he didn’t know what to believe, which of course I understand. But believe me, the only thing I want and wanted is being together with Lee again, no matter what I do or what you see or how strange I may behave.

Mmm, I need to stop now, as I still don’t know if it is wise to share this here. But then again, as I have learned in Coda, it is not up to me to decide what other people think.

Struggle

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It seems I am still in a big struggle with life, with God. And I really don’t know what to do anymore. And yes, it is all about needs, mainly sexual needs and financial needs. And I think financial needs only represent other needs, sexual needs are the hardest for me to deal with. As to have my sexual needs fulfilled I need another person; or at least I prefer to have sex with another person, as in my memory sex with another person is so much more than masturbating and/or watching porn and such.

Lee and Guus And I did not want to write about sex or sexual needs. I wanted to write about why my life is not working. Or at least I have the feeling my life is not working. But while writing I think unfulfilled sexual needs are my main problem. And that problem seems to be impossible to solve. As my partner does not want to have sex with me. And I want to be in a monogamous relationship; I only want to have sex with him. So I feel so much trapped; I have somehow trapped myself in some kind of impossible situation by setting some rules about what I want and need.

And yes, my escape when my sexual needs are not fulfilled is internet, internet sex and things like that. And I don’t like it, I don’t want it, but sometimes I just feel drawn into it. It seems sexual urge is so strong that even(?!) I cannot resist it’s force.

And yes, I know I ‘should‘ talk about this with Lee, not write about it here. Yes, maybe this is an escape from really confronting the issue. Anyhow, let’s see where this goes. And strange I use the word should here. I am so much trying to avoid that, as it implies wrong and mostly it is easily replaced with ‘could’.

Or maybe I ‘should‘ just scream out loud here that I love him and want to be with him, no matter what. I have the feeling I never did that, at least not in the right way and in the right place or places. And who would be a better person than me to be with him, as I believe he cherishes monogamous relationship as much as I do, or maybe even more. And to me that is the most important thing in a lovers type relationship. And it is not easy finding people, especially gay people, wanting a monogamous relationship, or managing and able to maintain that. And no, I did not maintain it either. After years and years without sex and Lee being away for long times, also years, I finally decided to start dating almost two years ago. And yes, a few of those dates resulted in sleeping with someone and one even in really having sex. So I broke my own rules, I could not wait anymore. And I am still kind of breaking those rules, as I keep looking around, flirting, and using porn and sex chat and more to somehow deal with that sexual urge that seems so strong, unmanageable strong. But yes, for now I stopped the actual sex, meeting people, even though I have never really entertained that, except looking for love, a new lover.

And I guess the main reason for writing this article is that two days ago Lee kind of ‘caught me in the act’ of watching porn on the internet and having a sex chat with someone. I felt so bad as I know he hates that part of me. And I hate that part of me too, as ‘just having sex’ is so ‘not me’. But yes, somehow that internet stuff just happens to me. Like two days ago I just couldn’t sleep and I thought masturbating might make it easier for me to fall asleep.

And this post is not going the direction I want it to, so right now I am even wondering if I ‘should’ post it. But yes, sex and sexual urge, sexual need seems to still be such a taboo, that it may just be wise or right to indeed write an publish a post like this. Or isn’t it a taboo (anymore)? I know most younger people I am in contact with are much easier about it. Or maybe people were already easier with it than I am long time ago, when I was looking for sex, looking for a relationship after coming out, mainly in bars.

I am crying right now, as this issue seems to be so old, so much part of my life, and yes, having caused me soooooo much pain. I just wanted to love someone, yes, including the sexual part, the sex. Always, that never changed. And looking back on my life that never really happened. Yes, I fell in love, a lot, resulting in a relationship twice. But then in the relationship the sex died, both my partners didn’t want to have sex with me anymore after a while. And to me it is so much part of a relationship, the sex. It is the only thing that distinguishes a relationship from friendship for me. As I can do many things with friends, indeed, even sharing a house or a room or something. But I only want to have sex with my lover, my partner.

Wow, it seems this is the first time I want to write a structured article, a well written article. So maybe I will do. But that is not easy, as so many things are related to this subject, to my struggle, with life and with sex.

And yes, about a week ago I decided to change my tactic related to my way of finding some kind of way dealing with my sexual needs. I decided to try to love that part of me, that part that tries to find satisfaction on the internet, where the person I love and I want as my lover and partner is not available. And where real life sex is too dangerous to me with the risk of catching a sexually transmitted disease as I don’t like using condoms. I want to be free, feel free, expressing my sexuality. And the idea to better love myself instead of hate myself for that part comes from a tape from Louise Hay I regularly listen to, the idea that I can decide that I am okay as I am, that I am not a bad person doing things I don’t like to do or don’t want to do, and still do.

So yes, I hate that part of me satisfying my sexual needs in internet ways when my preferred way or ways are not available so much. And I am trying to love that part of me, or at least accept that part of me, but that has not proven to be easy, as my idea of how my love life is supposed to be is so specifically related to being in a monogamous relationship with one person, yes, preferably lifetime.

Ah, it seems so much is coming together in this article, in this post. My whole spiritual journey is in my mind now, but I have no clue how to share that, how to make you part of it. And yes, it seems it all starts with beliefs and family systems. And about validating those beliefs, and changing them according to our needs, according to who we are.

And yes, I will try to restructure this post and make it more readable, make it more useful to you, to my reader. Just know that for now it is just helping me to organize my thought. Yes, writing helps, maybe better in a journal, but for me it seems also important to share them in public.

Flexible discipline and habit

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I am still struggling with going the extra mile and discipline and habit as right now I am tired (again) and don’t really feel like writing a post here and certainly not the next self analysis post.

And yes, I am seeing and feeling the power of habit as I am writing here now. And I am still making the bed every day, even though sometimes, very sometimes, just before I go to bed. But I do it.

And I also feel the habit of doing my little exercise in the morning, even though recently I was not able to do the sets of twenty as is basically my goal, but mostly sets of five that I mostly try to increase over the days.

So yes, these habits have brought me something and they are very powerful. But I am starting to realize I also seem to have developed the habit of being unhappy (instead of happy) and I have no clue how to change that, as all these self help ‘tricks’ don’t seem to help.

And yes, somehow I still don’t feel like I am able to control my thoughts, maybe the most important thing to do in life, maybe the most important message from Think and Grow Rich, from Napoleon Hill.

And I feel like I (still) lost all my desire and recently I lost almost all my sex drive, even though the last always was one of my wishes. But now I have it it’s no fun, as indeed I believe that sex is the major driver of human action, and I am also kind of experiencing that right now, as without my sex drive everything seems so dull, so useless, so aimless.

Ah, and I got back to my daily planning, and it is working, as it gives me some direction for every day and helps me finish things and makes me feel somehow kind of satisfied when I notice that I have all the things that I planned for a day.

So yes, I know all the tricks and even apply many or most or all of them, even keeping a daily gratitude diary.

But no, I am still not living, there is still something missing and I have no clue what, or how to get it, even though I feel it must be there.

So no, not a positive post today, although writing this down, making this analysis, could be the start of finding a solution, the solution. The solution how to live and enjoy life.

Ah, one good thing, as while finishing this post Ulla came to me, the dog that is still alive because,. next to other things, I decided to bring her to the vet, do everything I could to make her survive. And her coming to me just now gave me a very good feeling, even made me kind of feel happy.

Viagra and Cialis

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Well, I felt a bit embarrassed. Or actually a lot. As I found that this site, an inspirational site and all supposed to be about ‘positive’ and ‘good’ things, was infected with a lot of spam content. And being a web developer and thinking I know a bit what I am doing of course that was very embarrassing. As it seemed to have been going on for quite a while and I didn’t notice it. Ah, yes, I noticed it a few weeks ago, that some posts had been changed by one of the other team members and containing some spam type content. So I just wrote him an e-mail asking him to check his computer and change his password. But only a few days ago I found how much the damage was and how long it had been going on. For month, and some things were even older, like a year ago.

So I started cleaning up, thinking it were only the recent posts being affected. But no, it seemed something like more than half or maybe even something like 80% of 90% of the posts had been affected with this, well, I would call it malware. And the posts were relatively easy to find, as most of them had the words ‘viagra‘ and/or ‘cialis‘ in them, even though I am not fully sure if I found all posts that had been affected.

And while working on removing this, from my point of view, unwanted stuff, of course I kept thinking. And one of the strongest thoughts around these kind of things is and was the thought of Abraham Hicks about ‘allowing others’. As even though I felt very offended by this, partly because it just affects this site in search and seriousness, I also realized that the people who put this, who wrote the programs and stuff to insert this, had put quite some effort, quite some time, meaning also quite some desire to make this happen. And of course I felt offended as I had to put quite some time removing stuff that someone put in MY site that I believe does not belong there, or at least I believe should not be there.

And next to this I was asking myself who is paying those people to somehow ‘advertise’ all the stuff that these insertions were all about. And yes, I also do link building like that for customers, writing articles about their products only to be able to put a link and try to ‘rank up’ the site of my customer. So yes, my customers pay me for things like that also, even though I think I am doing it in a more subtle, a more appropriate way. But while thinking I also thought the difference is not that big. As my ‘articles’ are basically also ‘spam content’ on the internet. And no, I don’t put content secretly, like the spammers did in this site. But still.

And another thing I was thinking about was how people who don’t know so much about these things, bloggers just using WordPress as a ‘blogging tool’ and trusting everything is ok, would deal with something like this. As they probably wouldn’t even be able to cut the inserted code out. Or may not even notice it. And apparently Google also didn’t even notice it, as I didn’t get any messages in the Google Webmaster Tools about this site being infected with spam content. So apparently Google ignores this type of content, as it is also not really visible in posts.

But the last thing I was thinking about was about Viagra and Cialis itself. About the apparent attraction those products have. And about the enormous ‘anonymous’ demand for these drugs that must be behind this. And of course that brought me also to my own sexual problems, problems that seem related to indeed the biggest human need I know, the need for sex. But no, I never needed Viagra and Cialis for sexual fulfillment or to increase ‘something’ that many people obviously need or want. But yes, sex is still my biggest driver, and with that my biggest problem, as it is a highly unfulfilled need affecting my life a lot as it is not in the way and the level I want it.

So well, a lot of thoughts, and at least inspiration for this article. But no, I don’t really get how we came here as humanity, inserting this kind of stuff in other peoples website and most probably even being paid for it. While the service I am trying to give, the services I am giving, apparently are not so much in demand.

But that’s another story.